The Difference Between Passive-Aggressive and Just Plain Aggressive

Recently, a commenter has been trolling my sweetie Dirt‘s blog, seemingly for the sole purpose of making condescending and/or argumentative comments.

When I said something directly to this individual, she responded by saying I was “passive-aggressive” (here is a small sampling of our interaction, you can see the whole thing at the link):

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Not only is it annoying that this individual thinks that I am the passive-aggressive one, but, more importantly, it is incorrect.

Responding directly is not passive-aggressive…no, I was just plain aggressive:Image 1

Heads-up: When you troll my wife’s (or my) blog and, instead of trying to have an actual discussion of the topic, you decide instead to make snarky, rude, hostile, argumentative, hetsplaining, homophobic, and/or petty comments, don’t be surprised when I (or Dirt) get aggressive. NOT passive-aggressive….no, just plain aggressive.

I’m not going to indirectly communicate with such a person, I am going to tell that person very directly what I think (AKA I behave as a Lesbian).  And, in this particular case, I believe that this person is intentionally being a dick, so I responded in the same tone as the commenter.

I used to try to reason with rude people like that; I used to remain polite…but no more. If someone wants to have an honest, polite conversation, fine…but if the sole goal seems to be to insult either Dirt or me, then the gloves are off.

If you’re going to accuse me of something, at least get it right. Was I being condescending to this person in my replies?  For sure. Was I rude? Oh, heck yeah. But was I passive-aggressive? Nope. It pays to learn the difference.

The Sad Truth About The Depths of Homophobia

Yesterday, my sweetie Dirt published a post about the pervasive hatred of homosexuals. Please read her post, here, first.

As Dirt mentioned in her post, we recently watched the 1996 film Twilight of the Golds. I had never seen it before, and although I am (sort of) glad I saw it, because it was so illuminating, I have to admit that part of me wishes that I hadn’t seen it because it is still haunting me days later.

To give a brief overview of the film, the storyline focuses on a family: parents and 2 adult children. One sibling is female, heterosexual, and married, while the other (David) is male, gay, and in a long-term relationship.

Early on, it becomes obvious that the parents have a problem with the gay son: his partner has NEVER been included in family get-togethers, and, in one particularly horrifying scene, when the sister takes a bite of food from her brother, the mother snaps at her to not eat after him.

At this point in the movie, I was already angry: why was David still even in contact with these homophobes?

But, as it turns out, what was to come was much, much worse.

The straight married sister learns she is pregnant, and her husband is a genetic researcher who has found a way to identify homosexuality in fetuses with a high degree of accuracy.

(I am sure you can already see where this is going…).

After learning that there is a very high chance that the baby will be “like David”, the sister, who has seemed to be a supportive and loving ally to David up until this point, finds herself seriously considering whether she will abort the baby. (Meanwhile, her parents and husband clearly want her to).

I won’t give away what happens in the movie, but suffice it to say that David is heartbroken when he finds out that his sister would even consider killing her baby simply because it is likely to be gay, and that his parents would agree with that decision.

Although I am certainly aware of the prevalence of homophobia/lesbophobia, have experienced it myself, and have known many who have been rejected by their families/communities, for some reason, this movie was a huge, unwelcome wake-up call.

It is bad enough to know that gays/lesbians are disapproved of, criticized, misunderstood, rejected, bashed, demonized, and ultimately on our own, but it is truly terrifying to realize that, if given the chance to identify and abort us, many of those who we currently consider to be our “loved ones” would likely have killed us before we ever got a chance to live.

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Because, even though I know it was just a movie, I realized with chilling certainty that this scenario could happen. No, correction: Not “could happen“, let’s just be honest: We all know that it actually would actually happen if scientists were to ever find a definitive and testable cause.

Those who would choose to abort us would rationalize that they are doing “the best thing”: “Why bring a baby into the world who is going to face a lifetime of challenges and prejudice?”, they would say, self-righteously, perhaps a bit defensively. “Since we can now prevent that kind of pain, we should”, they would say with satisfaction, never understanding the irony that the attitude/hatred/homophobia that led to their twisted idea that gays/lesbians would be “better off dead” is the very cause of the pain they (allegedly) wish to spare us from.

Lesbian Lives Matter

The following are just a small sample of recent responses to Dirt’s and my Lesbian pride-type and Straightbian-type tweets/comments/posts:

  • “I don’t see the need to label myself/anybody.”
  • “We’re all just people.”
  • “Surely ALL lives matter…”
  • “I’m just me; I don’t label myself as a Lesbian and don’t think you should limit/label yourself either.”
  • “People are more alike than different.”
  • “Views like this just cause further divide…”
  • “I’m very similar to many of my straight friends; why label myself?”
  • “I don’t feel the need to constantly define myself as a lesbian because I would still be the same person regardless of my sexuality.”
  • “Labels hurt people.”
  • “Why does who I’m attracted to have to make me ‘different’?”
  • “We should all move forward together. Not back into the dark ages of in-fighting” (in reference to in-fighting within the so-called LGBT++++ community)
  • “I’m just me. I’m more than my sexual orientation.”
  • “The only difference between me and my neighbor is I sleep next to a woman…”
  • “Sexuality is fluid; people can’t/shouldn’t be labelled.”
  • “I don’t want to label myself…I’m human.”

There are many, many more examples, but I think you get the idea.

There’s just one problem with this line of thinking: It’s utterly ridiculous.

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Well, technically, maybe it’s not completely wrong. After all, it is not wrong in the sense that we all are indeed human; because (of course…well, um…duh!!) we are. That fact has never been in question. Lesbians, like everybody else, have much in common with our fellow humans: we eat, we work, we try to stay healthy, we have friends and family and furry companions we care deeply about, we feel love and loss and hope and fear and every other emotion known to humankind, and we are mortal; just to name a few universally human traits.

Instead, what I mean is that this line of thinking is wrong (and ridiculous) in the sense of any attempt to lump all humans together into one huge amorphous blob is not only incorrect, it is damaging to everyone, including Lesbians.

And since Lesbians are my only focus, this post will cover how this “Surely All Lives Matter — We Are All One — We Are Just Like Everyone Else (Etc.)” mentality harms us specifically.

This pathetic attempt at forced assimilation denies our Lesbian uniqueness, encourages us to deny our own true nature in order to attempt to “blend in” with society, and further contributes to Lesbian invisibility.

Saying “but surely ALL lives matter” when Dirt and I are specifically trying to stand up for Lesbian rights and attempting to address uniquely Lesbian issues is just as offensive to Lesbians as tweeting #AllLivesMatter is to the #BlackLivesMatter movement.

Sure, it’s true that all lives do matter, but by saying that in response to our specific points/concerns regarding Lesbian lives, is a transparent way to minimize and deny what we are saying. It is a way to try to shut us up. It is a way to attempt to make us feel guilty for prioritizing Lesbian needs before anyone else’s.  It’s a way of saying “Lesbians Be NICE!

Whenever any group expresses concerns which are specific to them, it is both obnoxious and dismissive to immediately jump to a “but all lives matter/we’re all just alike” attitude.

It is especially offensive when people are replying “But ALL Lives Matter!” in regard to Straightbians. Straightbians have a long history of messing up Lesbian lives, in a myriad of ways ranging from breaking our hearts to spreading misinformation about us to even encouraging us to transition, and they continue to do so every single day.

Dirt and I are not advocating for harm or denial of rights to anyone, including Straightbians, but we sure as heck aren’t going to put Lesbian lives on the back burner in order to kiss Straightbian butt either. (That’s already being done by almost everyone else). Plus, Straightbians already have straight privilege, and they wield it like the weapon it is against Lesbians all the time. So they are on their own, they are not our circus.

Here’s the thing: Lesbians are different. We are still persecuted for this fact, each and every day. Anyone who is a Lesbian, or even anyone who knows Lesbians well, knows this fact, and those who are denying it are clearly not Lesbians or allies themselves.

Stop denying Lesbian existence. Stop minimizing our valid concerns. Stop trying to shut us up. Stop trying to force us to assimilate. Just…stop.

With Friends Like That, Who Needs Enemies?

Recently, I have been seeing posts and memes on Facebook, calling for unity and/or wishing for simpler times, when videos of cats doing silly things were the most serious things you’d see on your Facebook feed.

I do understand the wishes to keep Facebook light & fun and free of politics. I wish that were the case too.

But the current administration makes that impossible; I am afraid those days are gone, perhaps forever. We are living in a new world now.

Why? Because when you realize that your cousin (or uncle, brother, aunt, sister, friend, neighbor, coworker) supports the Trump administration, an administration which actively promotes hate, intolerance, injustice, discrimination, and untruth, you realize that there is no way you can remain friends with that person.

Because with “friends” like that, who needs enemies?

How Much Sex Is “Normal”?: A “Dear Lesbian” Question

I just received an anonymous comment on my Lesbian Bed Death post, and since I think others may have the same questions/concerns, this comment will be the subject of today’s “Dear Lesbian” post.

Here is the comment:

The comments about happy couples still having sex after years worry me. I am a 45 year old lesbian. My girlfriend of 3 years never wants to have sex. Well, maybe not never, but hardly ever. Maybe like once every 3 months if I am lucky. I have been assuming it was lesbian bed death, but now I am worried. Does this mean my girlfriend is a Straightbian?

Without any further details, I am going to have to speak very generally, but first of all, I want to stress that there is no “normal” amount of sex to have.

What is “too much” for one person may be “too little” for another. Some people might want to have sex once a day, others once a week, others once a month, others once a year, others the 12th of never. (And any variation thereof).

While there is no “right” and “wrong” amount of desire for an individual, things can get tricky when we partner with another person, because one partner’s preference for frequency of sex may differ significantly from the other’s.

Ideally, couples will be (at least mostly) compatible regarding desire for frequency of intimacy, but sometimes, one partner will want to have sex much more frequently than the other, and when there is a big discrepancy, that is a really tough position to be in, for both partners.

This situation can happen with heterosexual or gay male couples too; so this issue is definitely not limited to Lesbian couples.

Bottom line: It’s impossible to say whether or not this person’s partner is a Straightbian, and it’s really not my place to do so anyway.

It is unclear whether the sex is still good when it does occur, or whether there has been a sudden and/or significant change at some point. Those are questions that the commenter will need to consider herself.

There are many non-Straightbian-related factors that can potentially decrease a woman’s sexual desire, including, but not limited to: thyroid dysfunction, parathyroid issues, chronic fatigue, chronic illness, chronic pain, stress, overwhelming responsibilities, perimenopause/menopause, post-hysterectomy issues, body image issues, grief, surgical recovery, hormonal issues, relationship issues, mental health concerns, etc.

And since so many issues can potentially inhibit sexual desire, it’s not always easy figuring out the cause(s).

As difficult as it will be, if the discrepancy in sexual desire is an issue (and it sounds like it is indeed a concern for this reader), the only way to start is by having a kind and supportive, but frank, conversation about the situation, approaching the issue directly but sensitively.

But don’t just assume that if your partner doesn’t want to have frequent sex that it must mean she’s a Straightbian. The discrepancy in desire may be caused a variety of other issues, and those answers can only be determined by the individuals involved, using good communication/problem-solving skills, and seeking professional help if needed (while also using our Lesbian intuition at the same time).

Hope this helps explain further, and as always, please let me know if you have any questions or comments.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This blog is NOT intended to be professional advice, nor to substitute for the advice of a licensed professional. The reader should consult with an appropriate professional regarding all mental health needs.

Lesbian Tools For Identifying a Straightbian

“Note: This is a joint post with Dirt, originally posted here.

In recent posts, Mrs. Dirt and I have written individually and written together, slowly chipping away at centuries of Lesbian inaccuracies, revealing a dual picture of the oblique perception of Lesbian and the Women who have forged that skewed perception by co-opting Lesbian.

By injecting biology back into the paint, each post is a brush stroke laying bare the vast differences in Lesbian behaviour vs the behaviour of Girls/Women. These differences are KEY to understanding ourselves, our unique behaviour and our place (or lack thereof) in Hetero society and perhaps more importantly possessing the tools to recognize the overwhelming number of (STRAIGHTBIAN) Women hetsplaining their distorted approximations of Lesbian that has gone to make many STRAIGHTBIANS wealthy, fortified many more academic careers and generated an impotent political movement (Radical Feminism), carving a treacherous landscape that threatens the safety of every Lesbian alive least we mention every Lesbian dead!

The more tools we have in our Lesbian arsenal, the better equipped we are to fight the egregious lies STRAIGHTBIANS/RadFems have lead society and worse Lesbians ourselves into believing. Below are some core behaviours that should raise a Lesbian red flag or two:

  • Regardless of age, declaring they’re a Lesbian is constant, excessive and over the top. Lesbian youth obviously are allowed a honeymoon period when they first come out, but once acquainted with other Lesbians/Lesbian community that “shout-it-from-the-rooftop-I’m-a-Dyke” fades. If said Lesbian is 40-something, been out for a while, and still acting like they just came out-BEWARE!
  • If heavily involved in abortion rights/rape issues/prostitution/domestic violence and other primarily Heterosexually-focused topics/groups/activism (especially if to the exclusion of caring about solely Lesbian issues)-BEWARE!
  • If arguing with men/MRAs/men calling themselves women etc. factors heavily in their life/day to day-BEWARE!
  • If sexually abused between the ages of 0 to 18, particularly 0-12, straight females have either an aversion to males or a pathological need to be sexual with men. For sexually abused straight females who developed an aversion to males, the hypersexual pathology often still persists. This may present itself as a seemingly intense sexual newness that can be mistaken for normal Lesbian relationship newness/passion, but instead of a genuine Lesbian passion, the hypersexuality is due to pathology rather than legitimate Lesbian passion. Lesbian passion surely involves sex, but the intimacy developed through sex and passion quickly matures into a Lesbian relationship. Hypersexuality as exhibited by STRAIGHTBIANS/sexually abused straight females never develops beyond the sex stage, and parallels the internal age they were frozen at when the abuse occurred. That isn’t to say that a STRAIGHTBIAN and a Lesbian may not form a long term involvement, but that involvement never develops into a fully mature intimate relationship. Lesbians usually find themselves confused in these involvements, often playing out the role (over and over) of a rescuer/saviour/helpmate and if the involvement lasts beyond a year the once hypersexual (straight) partner’s interest in sex wanes (Lesbian Bed Death). BEWARE!
  • Repeated claims of victimhood, usually where none exists. Repeated attempts at creating seemingly useless/needless drama. BEWARE!
  • Pathologically (paranoia) thinks everyone is either an enemy and/or makes enemies out of everyone at some point. BEWARE!
  • Can seem younger than their age (child-like/teeny bopperish)-again stuck in time (like the needle on a scratched record)-usually at the age they were sexually abused. BEWARE!
  • Adamant in the belief that any woman can be a Lesbian. REALLY BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Exhibits stalkerish behaviour toward love interests, exes, perceived enemies. BEWARE!
  • Will perseverate on real or imagined slights (Borderline Personality issues) and stop at nothing to get even (time or money no object). BEWARE!
  • While as Lesbian youths we all play around with our look (hair/clothes etc), but where you see this persisting past the age of 30 (excessive piercings/tattoos/shaved heads/body modifications/mohawks/pink/blue/purple/funky hair colours/clothing usually worn by preteens/teens etc). BEWARE!
  • These Women are often either directly or indirectly involved in versions or variations of the kabbalah, shamanism, witchery, tarot reading, runes, crystals, moon howling, drum circles, art projects involving their period blood, crones, midwifery, ceremonial blessings/unions, high priestery, celestial shitola, and/or many other special snowflakeries. STRAIGHTBIANS will have deeply studied or tried any or all in vain efforts to fix their early traumas/themselves. BEWARE!

While Lesbians also suffer from sexual abuse, due to differences in brain function, Lesbians obviously behave differently than Girls/Women who were abused. And because sexual abuse is usually perpetrated by a male, natural attraction isnt problematic for Lesbians in the way it is complicated for sexually abused Women. While we will elaborate these differences and complications in a later post, our point here being is that the behaviours listed above are not displayed in any enormity by sexually abused Lesbians or any Lesbian for that matter, they are however seen in high levels in STRAIGHTBIANS.

So to recap, we are not saying your new girlfriend’s interest in the kabbalah or astrology should send you running for the hills, but we are saying if you can tic multiple checks beside our list above-BEWARE!

Until Lesbian biology takes its rightful place, both Mrs Dirt and I individually and together will continue to give Lesbians the tools needed to see themselves as NORMAL, to see imposters in our dating pools and Lesbian authorities, and to gain confidence and accuracy in our gaydar.

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03/01/2017: Edited to emphasize that one (or even a couple) of the attributes above, alone, are not cause for concern, but if MULTIPLE items from the checklist are present, then the likelihood of a Straightbian increases. So, for example, if a person has tattoos and likes tarot, it’s likely not a problem. But if she ALSO constantly talks/posts about predominantly heterosexual concerns, if she believes/argues “any woman can be a Lesbian”, if she engages with males all the time, if she engages in drama-drama-drama, (etc.), then it is worth starting to observe closely.

03/02/2017: Edited (again) to add that our point is that if a woman focuses much attention/energy on predominantly heterosexual concerns (such as abortion), and especially if she does so TO THE EXCLUSION OF CARING ABOUT LESBIAN CONCERNS, then that is a warning sign of a Straightbian in combination with other factors. We are not saying those straight issues aren’t important, just that they are NOT PRIMARILY LESBIAN.

Lesbians Do Not Want Men (This Is Not Rocket Science, People!) 

Several people have sent me the link to an extremely odious Huffington Post Queer article entitled “I Came Out As A Lesbian – But Then I Fell In Love With A Man“. Thanks for the heads-up!

First of all, the fact that the publisher of the article has “Queer” in their title tells us everything we need to know.

Lesbian is NOT queer, and queer is NOT Lesbian.

Queer equals “special snowflake straight”.

Moving on to the article itself, there is no need to even analyze it, because the title itself is a huge spoiler:

The author clearly never was a Lesbian…instead, she just called herself one, and obviously continues to falsely use “Lesbian” as her own personal badge of blinding specialness.

News flash, cupcake: You are a garden variety het. And you always were.

And there is nothing wrong with being a het…as long as you don’t appropriate Lesbian lives with your bullshit.

I find myself repeating the same fact over and over and OVER, because of the ongoing efforts to overtake and queerify Lesbian, and I will continue to do so because it obviously needs to be said:

LESBIANS DO NOT WANT MALES. LESBIANS DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH MALES. LESBIANS DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH MALES. LESBIANS DO NOT FANTASIZE ABOUT MALES. Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Lesbians want other Lesbians.

This is not a difficult concept, folks.

The other thing Lesbians want is for ALL of the people who are lying about our lives to shut the Hell up.