Being a Lesbian Is NOT All About Sex

I have touched upon this topic before, but it deserves a specific post. Heck, it deserves multiple posts!

Due to the fact that being a Lesbian is labeled a SEXUAL orientation, people in general, including Lesbians, often equate Lesbian with SEX.

ThisSucks

(Pun Semi-Intended)

Here’s the thing: Yes, Lesbians do have sex. But: Um, hello, so do straight people!

But somehow, when straight people talk about their romantic relationships in general terms, nobody…NOBODY…assumes that they are talking about SEX…well, unless they’re actually talking about sex!

If a straight woman says, “My boyfriend and I went to the Farmer’s Market on Saturday”, nobody tells her, “I don’t need to know about your sex life!” or “I don’t care who you sleep with, because love is love!”  And nobody asks a straight woman, upon learning that she has a male romantic partner who accompanied her to the Farmer’s Market, “How does that work? Who’s on top?”

Nope, they just ask whether they bought heirloom tomatoes.

But let a Lesbian mention our female partner in a general, non-x-rated conversation, and BOOM! We are quite likely to hear a variation of the above comments, get a barrage of intrusive questions, or, at the very least, potentially face an awkward moment.

For a hilariously accurate overview of what would happen if Lesbians suddenly started acting like straight people, watch this video. Then watch it again, and let it truly sink in.

The incorrect over-emphasis on the SEXual part of orientation leads to a variety of problems and misunderstandings, ranging from mildly annoying to outright dangerous.

First, to focus solely on sexual activity as the basis for defining Lesbian opens the door wide open to the problem of Straightbians of all sorts falsely claiming to be us and spreading misinformation to and about us.

Second, to oversexualize Lesbianism leads some men to think of us as available sexual objects. To make matters worse, Lesbians are typically falsely portrayed as hypersexualized nymphets just WAITING for a man to sweep us off of our feet. Ugh and double ugh.

Thirdly, and most importantly, for Lesbians to define ourselves as simply a SEXual orientation denies the very real fact that Lesbians are different from straight females in ways that have nothing whatsoever to do with who we f**k ~ or even whether we f**k.

This is a theme that both Dirt and I will write more about in the future…so stay tuned…

Is Aunt Lynn a Boy?

Important Note: This post is by my sweetie, Dirt, and was originally posted here. I wanted to repost it because it illustrates an important example of the kind of situation that happens to Lesbians, particularly Butches, ALL THE TIME.

So, here’s Dirt’s post:


Last Sunday Mrs Dirt and I had breakfast with a niece of mine we hadn’t seen in a while. My niece had with her, my great great nephew-Eli, age 7. Eli we hadn’t seen for about a year. During breakfast Eli incorrectly used a male pronoun toward me, my niece quickly corrected him, then reminded him that they had discussed this earlier when they were on their way down for breakfast. My niece explained to Anna and I the conversation her and Eli had about me being a girl and not a boy, as Eli had, with my niece used an incorrect pronoun regarding myself. This situation is one both my niece and I are used to, as family youngsters have LONG incorrectly assumed I am a male. And like Eli, are perplexed to find out that I am in fact a female.

Anna and I asked Eli what makes me a boy and Anna a girl. His first response was that I had on long shorts. He said girls dont wear long shorts. Anna then said that her shorts were the same length as mine, then asked him if she too is a boy. Eli shook his head emphatically NO. He then said Anna had longer hair and pointed out I had boy hair.

Anna then asked him if he grew his hair out the same length as hers, would he be a girl. He looked icked out and said NO! I told him then that Anna was like Bruce Jenner (he clearly knew who I referenced) and looked at Anna and said jokingly “take off you wig then”!

Eli then looked at my niece and asked ” aunt Lynn is a boy, right?”. My niece said no, Lynn is a girl. I asked him, if I grew my hair out and had shorter shorts, would that make me a girl like Anna. He shook his head no again. He said “you a boy”! He said that all three of us were trying to “fool” him.

Eli went home sure that my actual sex is male. Even when social cues to sex were stripped away, Eli still remained convinced I am male.

Also interesting is, despite being assured that Anna is female, he responded to her very differently than he did/does with my niece. He treated/acted with her as he does me-like he would around males. My niece, he acts like he typically does around women (and by women I most certainly mean straight). He has always been quite the handful, being spoiled by his great granny and my niece doesnt help. Despite not having seen him in quite a while, up until a year ago, I saw him quite often. He acts bananas with women relatives and falls in line if a male relative is around or when I am or now even when Anna is. His response to me is common whenever I’m around children, even children that do not know me, Anna admits to the same in her vast experience with children, related and unrelated.

Even when it is clear that we are female, children respond to us as they would males. I HEAVILY suspect even when it is physically obvious Lesbians are female, we are STILL read as male(ish) via brain processes. It isnt simply that we as Homosexuals have a built in gaydar system for detecting each other, we have a gaydar system that signals to Heterosexuals how to respond to us/treat us.

More examples of Lesbian experiences with being read as male by adult Heterosexuals coming soon.

dirt

Family and the Art of Imperfection

Family

My father died 16 years ago today.  In one way, his death seems like it just happened yesterday, but in another way, it seems like at least a century ago; I am left with a hazy, vague impression of events that might as well have been from a movie I saw long ago.

I guess time blurs the edges of pain. Maybe time blurs everything.

Between the anniversary of my father’s death today and Mother’s Day yesterday, I have been thinking a lot about family.  I was an only child, so I am the only one left to remember.

My relationship with my father was always good. Straightforward, solid, steady. Predictable. Consistent. I knew he loved me, although we didn’t say it; no, we were both much to stoic for that kind of mushy nonsense. Instead of words, it was his actions showed love. He took care of me whenever my mother was too busy, too self-absorbed, or simply too forgetful to do so. It was my father I could always depend on: for unexpected pop quizzes on random topics; for a cheese sandwich on gooey white bread with extra mayo and a teacup of whole milk anytime I was hungry; for endless rides to and from school; for help whenever my car(s) broke down; for listening to my ramblings about life on long walks from the time I was old enough to walk all the way up until he got too sick to walk anymore.

My relationship with my mother was much more complicated. My mother herself was much more complicated. My mother was fierce, difficult, egocentric, demanding, and stubborn. She was also funny, smart, strong, über-organized, and quite independent. I once took this quiz, “Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?”, and let’s just say the score was significant. Very significant.

From the time I was born until the time she died, my relationship with my mother was a challenge. I would often feel exhausted in her presence, sometimes falling into what I called a “coma nap” when I visited with her, which felt like being dragged under into a deep, deep sleep by a force more powerful than myself.  Mom was shockingly self-absorbed, rarely showing any interest in me or anything I did or anything I was interested in; for instance, she never even asked what subject I got a Ph.D. in, nor did she ever show any interest whatsoever in my studies. As another example, I once traveled all over Europe for a summer, and upon my return, she did not ask my anything about the trip. At all. Not one thing.

That is certainly not to say that Mom and I didn’t have many good times, because we did. I can remember staying up late with my mother and watching Benny Hill, laughing until we cried. I remember her selling her high school ring to buy my high school ring. I remember her rescuing me from a wannabe molester like a superhero. I remember how I escaped the “coming out” horrors that many Lesbians endure, and I believe that this was likely, at least in part, because my mother decreed publicly that it was fine with her, and everyone was always too afraid to go up against my mother. I fondly remember playing cards with Mom, her friend, and my ex every Thursday night for several years after Dad died. I remember Mom coming immediately, without questioning, driving over 4 hours, to help me move out of my apartment when I was young and had just discovered my first girlfriend cheating on me…although I also distinctly remember her saying “I told you so”. (My first girlfriend and my mother were mortal enemies; I realize now that it was because they were simply too much alike).

When I first wrote about my mother, I wrote: “Love her or hate her (and I still vacillate between the two, even after her death)….

Doing a Mother’s Day collage yesterday, I realized that it is time to amend that statement, because I no longer feel hate when I think of my mother. Now, I just feel love…it’s a complicated, difficult love, but it’s clearly love nonetheless.

In doing my Mother’s Day collage yesterday, I suddenly felt a kind of burden being lifted from me; one I wasn’t even fully consciously aware of carrying. The cloak of hurt, anger, anxiety, perfectionism, and angst that has been wrapped around my shoulders/neck ever since before I can remember was lovingly unraveled and discarded. I feel that I can finally breathe freely now.

It turns out that the answer was stunningly simple and had been available all along: My mother wasn’t perfect. Nor am I, nor are you, nor is any other human ever born.

I have come to believe over the years that most people are doing the best we can with the resources we have at the time. Sometimes it’s good enough, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. Sometimes we succeed admirably, sometimes we fail miserably. Sometimes we hurt others, sometimes we get hurt.

I realized while doing the collage yesterday that I needed to forgive others, starting with my mother; to forgive myself; to accept that life is not perfect, others are not perfect, and neither am I.

Of course, I know that this isn’t earth-shaking, ground-breaking insight. Countless others have figured this long out before I did; in fact, the Japanese tradition of wabi-sabi has been teaching this lesson for centuries. I’d read about wabi-sabi years ago and truly didn’t understand how anyone could accept, much less embrace, imperfection.

Now I finally get it…better late than never, right?

There Is No Such Thing As A “Former Lesbian”

If we had a nickel for every time we’ve heard a variation the phrase “used to be a Lesbian” or “former Lesbian”, Dirt and I could quit our day jobs.

Just think about it, there are tons of examples in everyday life, in TV shows, in movies, in books (etc.) where an allegedLesbian” ends up with a man.  (“Alleged” is the key word here, obviously).

Let’s review just a few examples of (so-called) “former Lesbians“:

1). Susan Ross, George Costanza’s ill-fated fiance on Seinfeld: When George learned that his ex-girlfriend, Susan, was dating a woman named Mona, he made a joke that he had “turned her Lesbian”. Then (of course, predictably) Susan and George reunited. To make matters even worse, Mona fell for Kramer, even though the character had allegedly never expressed interest in men before. (Offensive).

2). Orange is the New Black’s Piper Chapman:  In the Season 1 official trailer, at approximately .36-.37 seconds, Piper’s mom asks “You were a lesbian?” and Piper (sitting with her MALE fiance) replies “At the time”. (Ugh).

3). The turd from my last post. (Yuck).

4). Susie Bright. (Barf).

5). JoAnn Loulan. (Loathsome).

6). Every Straightbian who has allegedly eschewed “Lesbianism” to embrace Christianity, such as Turd #3, above, as well as others of her ignorant ilk, like Rosario Butterfield.  (Repugnant).

A couple quick Google searches for “used to be a lesbian” and “former lesbian” showed that there are many, many, MANY hits:

UsedToBeALesbian

Former LesbianThe problem is: There is no such thing. You are being lied to. These people are insulting your intelligence.

And: not only is this pervasive lie offensive to, and erasing of, real Lesbians…but it is also downright dangerous because it gives the VERY false idea that being a Lesbian is just a choice which (POOF!!) magically can be changed on a mere whim, the whiff of a penis, and/or the discovery of a deity.

Once again, behavior does not equal orientation.  Any woman can enter into a same-sex relationship (or just have sex with another woman), BUT any woman cannot magically become a Lesbian. It doesn’t matter whether a relationship between a straight woman and another woman lasts 50 minutes or 50 years, a straight woman will never be a Lesbian, and a Lesbian can never be a straight woman.

The truth actually stunningly simple: Whenever you hear that somebody “used to be a Lesbian” or is a “former Lesbian”, you know you are dealing with total bullshit. You’ll know that the very special snowflake somebody in question is a Straightbian.  Bottom Line: This person never was a Lesbian to begin with.

The end.

Once A Straightbian…Always A Problem

I had an unsettling experience on Facebook last night that sadly, but clearly, reinforced my sweetie Dirt‘s motto that “If you aren’t us, you’re against us“.

Without identifying anyone, here is a brief summary of the debacle that unfolded:

One of my friends posted an article/comment about how conversion therapy is horrible.

So far, so good, right? Right.

That is, until one of her Facebook friends, who I don’t know (and who I certainly don’t want to know!), decided to put her 2-cents in.

Although I don’t know this individual, I do know her type…all-too-well.

Straightbian!

Except in this particular case, this individual asshole has now eschewed her Straightbian ways (of harming Lesbian lives) to become a born-again, holy-rollin’, bible-thumpin’, holier-than-thou, know-it-all, married-to-an-man, “Christian” (still harming Lesbian lives).

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

I purposefully did not screencap the conversation, out of respect for my friend.

And I’ve honestly tried to just let it go, but the truth is: this incident has been bothering me ever since it happened.

What, exactly, was so upsetting? It took me a while to put my finger on it, but I think I finally have now.

It wasn’t that this boneheaded bozo believes that conversion therapy is possible/desirable, nor that she thinks that being a Lesbian is somehow related to porn (huh??),  nor that she incorrectly thinks sexuality is fluid, nor that she thinks all Lesbians will burn in eternal Hell. (Although it is indeed upsetting that anyone could be that asinine).

After all, what would I expect from a Straightbian-Special-Snowflake-Type-Turned-Religious-Proselytizer? Complete and utter nonsense, that’s what. Consider the source.

This inanity is just one of this fool’s anti-Gay/Lesbian FB posts:Image 3

In another FB post, our DICKgusting debutante referred to Lesbian relationships as “broken people” having “aberrant sex”. There are not enough words in the English language to describe my feelings toward this person for saying that, but “disdain”, “contempt”, and “hatred” seem like a good start.

Bitch

No, it wasn’t the fact that this evil assclown spouts her offensive and uninformed opinions.

(Just so there’s no confusion, here’s a sample of what is wrong with her assumptions: There’s no such thing as being “lesbian-identified” because you either are or you are not; there’s no such thing as “fluidity of attraction”; Lesbians are not “broken” nor do we “need healing”; our love is NOT “aberrant sex”; and furthermore, BEING A LESBIAN IS NOT A F**KING CHOICE, YOU DIMWITTED BUFFOON).

Instead: What upset me then, and still upsets me now, is that my friend would even be remotely friendly, much less be friends, with someone like this nincompoop.

What upsets me is that, instead of telling this dickweed to take a proverbial long walk off a short pier, my friend actually seemed worried about me and Dirt offending this piece-of-shit Straightbian’s delicate “Christian” sensibilities.

(Guess it’s okay for Straightbian-Sally to insult us, though, and even deny our very existence).

What upsets me is finding out that my friend “liked” the FB post where Lesbian lives were referred to “broken people” having “aberrant sex”. To add insult to injury, the article linked in that post was shocking right-wing anti-Lesbian propaganda.

There’s nothing to “like” about that post. Or that person.

Once again, I (re)learned the lesson that Lesbians are on our own.

Maybe, just maybe, I will remember it this time.

05/23/2017: Updated to add: Happily, my friend and I worked through this situation (see comments). So it turns out that there is still good in this world, after all.

“Dirt Is A Failed Transman”: The Urban Myth

I have written before, here, about how the urban myth that Dirt is a “failed transman” persists like a demented zombie in a low-budget horror film.

What I didn’t fully address, though, is WHY this myth is so prevalent.  I did mention that the people perpetrating this falsehood are so trapped in their own gender-straitjacketed notions that they simply cannot conceptualize the fact that Dirt is a LESBIAN, nor do they understand that Lesbian is NORMAL, but I didn’t elaborate further on the underlying causes of this tedious rumor.

But the exact WHY is crucial, and needs to be addressed directly.

Therefore, Dirt did her own post on this topic (link here).

I have also copied and pasted her post below, because I strongly feel that it is important to address the root of this prevalent lie.

So, without further ado, here is Dirt’s response, in her own words:

As not simply someone who has written about Lesbians and transition for more than a decade, BUT as a Lesbian writing about Lesbians and transition, to assuage transgender fears and prejudices, in transgender circles the world over it has become urban myth that I myself have “tried to transition” but sadly “failed“. I’m not quite sure how one would fail, apparently the myth making never got beyond fail, but there you have it. “Dirt is a failed transman.”

A little something about myths:

As there is ZERO facts/truths to me having transitioned/detransitioned/tried transitioning/tried and failed transition, what would be the analogy which motivates these falsehoods? Outside of the zillions of petty little self soothing needs/motivations that spring from the individual, there are two prime reasons for the Dirt is a Failed Transman Myth:

  1. Lesbian has been removed from Lesbians.
  2. If Lesbians don’t exist beyond RadFem anyonecanchoosetobealesbian warped ideology and gender nonconforming confirms transgender origins, then normal Lesbians MUST surely be Trans, even if we fail at it.
Myth doesn’t hide things, it distorts them.”

Prior to Transgender ideology being commonplace, Lesbians like myself were often viewed/called and bashed with phases like mannish lesbians, lesbians who want to be men, lesbians who really are men, lesbians who act like men, masculine lesbians to list a few. Insults all couched in the swaddling cozy comfort of Heterosexuality.

But also prior to Trans Trending, even prior to the DSM III, Gays and Lesbians found comfort in finding other Gays and Lesbians. We didnt feel threatened by other Gays and Lesbians, instead for many of us we felt for the first time what it felt like to BE normal! To KNOW we were normal. NORMAL Homosexuals! NOT freaks of nature! NOT sick mother fuckers who shall burn in hell! NOT Gender Non Conforming! And most certainly NOT Transgender!

How do myths get created?

Between un-signifying Lesbian and inventing signifiers for Transgender from the ashes of Lesbian, Transgender has suddenly ALWAYS existed in human history. So much so, the once Lesbian tropes used by Lesbians (and Gays) as both survival instincts and mating instincts alike, are being used to back label historical Gays and Lesbians as Transgenders of history!

In my case, Heterocentric qualifiers/traits like mannish looking, acts like a man, masculine, handsome (rather than cute or beautiful), wears mens clothes, keeps a short or cropped hair cut, passes as a man etc, with Lesbian removed from history and with me being qualified as man/nish BUT also being a biological female—queers special snowflakes/Transgenders of both sexes/Trans cohorts and allies of both sexes conclude that I’m a transgender who failed at transitioning because I remain calling myself by my sex (female)/and my sex’s proper (she/her) pronouns. And from thence, myth!

I’m not a failed transman because I am, I’m a failed transman because some people need me to be.

dirt