Magical Thinking (Why Being A Lesbian Is NOT A Choice)

Definition of Lesbian: A Lesbian is a female who is exclusively romantically/sexually oriented to other females.

Seems simple, right?

Well, the definition of Lesbian is actually simple…but many people apparently want to believe otherwise, making it unnecessarily complicated, and then typically becoming quite adamant and irate in their misguided attempts to expand the definition of Lesbian.

This baffling but ongoing argument usually arises when people get peeved regarding the topic of Straightbians ~ otherwise known as straight women who, for a variety of reasons, will choose to partner with Lesbians or other Straightbians. Potential reasons that straight women might make the decision to partner with a female include, but are not limited to: political reasons, curiosity, trauma, simply being sick of dealing with men, mistaking closeness/friendship for love, thinking “the grass is greener on the other side”, rebellion, etc.

Some Lesbians, and many others too, apparently want to believe that any woman can ~ POOF! ~ magically become a Lesbian.


Magic: #PicsArt #FreeToEdit

While the incorrect idea that any woman can magically “flip to the Lesbian team” may seem to be a harmless fantasy on the surface, the reality is often far from benign.

Straightbians have a history of wreaking havoc on the hearts and lives of real Lesbians in many ways ~ a topic that my spouse, partner, and all-around sweetiepie Dirt and I have written about several times, and which I am reiterating here.

Typically, in the best-case scenario, a Lesbian will partner with a straight woman (who, by definition, literally cannot be truly and genuinely romantically/sexually interested in other women), leading to an unfulfilling, one-sided  relationship. If the Lesbian gets “lucky”, such a unhealthy relationship will end quickly.

In less-fortunate scenarios, many Lesbians have wasted many years of their precious lives.

The truth is that straight women cannot change their sexual orientation, just as Lesbians cannot change our sexual orientation. The much-accepted but ultimately faulty idea that sexual orientation is “fluid” is the very slippery slope that led to idiotic ideas like conversion therapy.

If some Lesbians want to believe that straight women can change their orientation, how do they reconcile this with the simple fact that Lesbians cannot?

How about considering this question, instead of getting defensive and assuming that I am being callous or exclusionary: Don’t we all want our romantic/sexual partners to want us for exactly who we are?

If a woman is not a Lesbian, she can never experience the true desire, nor the depth of connection, with another woman that a Lesbian can feel.

Don’t get me wrong: I am not trying to tell anyone what to do. Whatever floats your proverbial boat is fine by me, as long as it involves consenting adults. Everyone is completely responsible for her own life.  If Lesbians knowingly decide to partner with Straightbians, that is certainly their choice, and when both parties are honest with themselves and each other…more power to them!  (It wouldn’t be my choice, but it is not my life).

Also, I am not saying that it is wrong to be straight, nor am I saying that I believe most Straightbians are intentionally trying to harm Lesbians.  In fact, I believe that most Straightbians are unaware of the inherent problems involved in this scenario, likely primarily due to straight privilege.

I am simply saying that is unhealthy for anyone to be dishonest with herself and/or her partner regarding true orientation.

 I would hope that everyone would agree that informed consent in sexual relationships is imperative; but if a Straightbian is appropriating Lesbianism for her own purposes without disclosing her true heterosexual orientation to her Lesbian lover, then informed consent is not happening. We all deserve to know the motivations and orientation of those we are intimate with.

Bottom line: Just be honest. If you are a straight woman, and are curious about having a relationship with another woman, just say so.  Then your potential lover can make an informed decision on how to proceed.

Magical thinking may be fun for fantasy, but if you hope to solidify a relationship based upon it, don’t be surprised to find the (so-called) “magic” dissipate into the very thin air from which it arose.

**5/30/2016: Edited to Add: Please also see my partner’s companion piece about Straightbian Privilege: Heterocentricity and Dyke Vulnerability.

4 thoughts on “Magical Thinking (Why Being A Lesbian Is NOT A Choice)

  1. Lmao straightbians (all I can think of is the L-Word).

    I definitely see where you’re coming from! I also think, though, that the fluidity of sexuality is a valid concept. Not necessarily that you can change and manipulate your orientation over time, but that there’s always more to explore and discover. Our society imposes heterosexuality on people; thus many “straight” folks are really people who have just never explored otherwise.

    Obviously you know this! But I thought I’d reiterate it here. The colloquial phrase “straightbians” could potentially preclude women from really experimenting with their sexuality to its full potential.

    I think many queer ladies have gone through a lot and feel a bit territorial about lesbian “experimentation” (myself included). As well, though, I believe that territorialness can often interfere with our own growth as both individuals and partners!

    Just some food for thought. I enjoyed the piece 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi and thanks for your comments!

      I obviously have pretty strong opinions about the topic, LOL…and I have those opinions because of years of seeing Lesbian lives get messed up in various ways because of Straightbians.

      I don’t feel that sexual orientation is fluid, although I do agree that some people are just more adventurous than others, so yes, some women may be open to exploring sex/relationships with other women, for various reasons, but unless they are solely oriented sexually/romantically towards females, they aren’t Lesbians.

      Our main point is: Do whatever you want with whomever you want (as long as it involves consenting adults, of course!), but just be honest with yourself and potential lovers about true orientation.

      In other words, if a woman has never been attracted to other females before, she should just say so to her potential lover….in other words, she shouldn’t say she’s a Lesbian, unless she actually is.

      That way, everybody involved will be adequately informed and therefore able to give consent (or not) to the terms offered in the encounter/relationship.


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