The recent posts regarding the topic of Straightbians which were made by my spouse, partner, and all-around sweetiepie, Dirt, and I have been offensive to many people. I wish that the topic weren’t so divisive because it is not intended to be.
I wanted to clarify our position further by trying to break it down to the most basic examples; in order to try (once again) to convey to the disbelievers the seriousness of situation that lesbians are faced with when unknowingly dating Straightbians.
To summarize a ton of previously posted information, basically, a Straightbian is a heterosexual woman who chooses to try to partner with another woman due to a variety of possible reasons, including, but not limited to: political reasons, being sick of dating men, curiosity, thinking “the grass is greener on the other side”, trauma, mistaking friendship for love, etc.
A lot of people have mistakenly taken our posts to mean that we are being callous, exclusionary, disapproving, hostile, discriminatory, and/or just plain mean.
A lot of people, including lesbians, apparently want to believe that any woman can simply choose at any time to be a lesbian.
But: the simple fact is that all women cannot choose to be lesbians, just as lesbians cannot choose to be straight.
To imply sexual orientation is a choice implies lesbians could choose to be straight if we just wanted to, and this faulty thinking is what leads to harmful, ineffective ideas like conversion therapy.
As I have said before, magical thinking simply does not work. If a woman is straight, she is never going to fall in love with a lesbian like another lesbian would. It is not possible ~ no matter how much you wish it were so.
The Straightbian may even stay in the relationship for a long time, so her behavior may change during the relationship, but her orientation (her inherent attraction to men, whether or not she acts on it) will never change.
Those people who are so very offended are missing the very basic core message we are trying to send, which is: JUST BE HONEST.
We are not telling straight women that they shouldn’t make the choice to partner with another woman; BUT we are saying that if a straight woman wants to date a lesbian, she needs to be honest and to admit that she is straight up-front ~ rather than falsely claiming to be any sort of “lesbian” (including a “political lesbian”, which is a flat-out misnomer).
Let’s break it down: It’s all about truth and communication.
No matter what your orientation is, I hope everyone can agree that all people have the right to know their potential partner’s true orientation/intentions before consenting to a sexual/romantic relationship.
Because when we don’t know the truth, we cannot give true consent.
Here are just a few examples of possible situations that most people would want/need to know about a potential partner before consenting to a relationship/sex:
1). If you are a heterosexual woman, you would probably like to know that the handsome, funny, charming man you are flirting with is really gay.
2). If you are a straight man, you would probably want to know that the woman you are considering proposing to is a closeted lesbian before putting a ring on it.
3). If you are a straight woman who just got proposed to by a man, you would probably want to know that he already has 3 wives and believes bigamy is the way of the future.
4). No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person you are considering having a relationship does not believe in monogamy and therefore, does not plan to be exclusive.
5). No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person you are falling in love with is not interested in ever having sex with you.
6). No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person you are considering having sex with has a sexually transmittable disease or other contagious illness.
7). No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person who you are making out with intends for you to be a one-night stand only, and therefore, is not interested in seeing you again…ever.
8). No matter who you are, you would probably want to know if the person you are getting seriously involved with has any secret that could end up hurting you eventually (possible examples include already being married; having a criminal history; having financial problems that would affect you; lying about who they really are; etc.).
9). No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person you are taking home is the sex they say they are (nobody wants a “Crying Game” episode in real life).
10). Finally, last but certainly not least on today’s list is: If you are a lesbian, you should definitely want to know that the woman you are falling for is really straight.
This is not rocket science, folks. It’s basic common sense.
All people (and the term “people” includes lesbians, just in case that fact is not entirely clear to heterocentric individuals) have the right to know who they are becoming involved with sexually and romantically.
It is not offensive for lesbians to demand to know who were are getting involved with.
What is offensive is the fact that the so-called “feminists” who are defending Straightbians care so little about lesbians that they think lesbian needs/lives should take a backseat to the desire of Straightbians to hijack “lesbian” for their own purposes.
06/02/2016: Edited to Add: I meant to also say “Thanks so much” to those who have been willing to discuss this matter in a polite, open way with us. It is too easy to focus on all the people who are attacking, and forget to mention the people who can and do have intelligent discussions.