Because I so often find myself answering the same questions over and over (both in real life and online), I decided I start a Lesbian FAQs list.
If you have anything else you’d like me to add in a future post, please just comment here (Note: only polite & serious comments will be published), or please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
So, without further ado, welcome to the Lesbian FAQ’s:
FAQ #1: “Can any woman become a Lesbian?”
Answer: Nope. See Magical Thinking.
FAQ #2: “Which one of you (in a Lesbian relationship) is the ‘man one’?”
Answer: Neither. We are Lesbians, therefore we are both female.
FAQ #3: “Are all Lesbians either Butch or Femme?”
Answer: No. In fact, very few Lesbians are either, although many incorrectly label themselves as such (particularly as Butch). See: Deciphering Butch/Femme.
FAQ #4: “What do you do in bed?”
Answer: None of your business.
FAQ #5: “Do all Lesbians like oral sex? That’s all you ever do in bed, right?”
Answer: No to both, but refer to FAQ #4.
FAQ #6: “Are all Lesbians into BDSM and/or Daddy/little girl play?”
Answer: No and Oh Hell No. (But whatever legal activity that consenting adults do is not any of our business anyway, so stop worrying about it. See FAQ #4).
FAQ #7: “Do Lesbians secretly like to have sex with men like some
Answer: Are you serious? What have you been smoking? Of course not. Lesbians are females who are solely oriented to other females. It’s a male/penis-free zone. Simple.
FAQ #8: “How can someone really know she is a Lesbian unless she’s tried sex with a man?”
Answer: How do you know you wouldn’t like to have a colonoscopy without any sort of anesthesia unless you’ve done it? Answer: You just freaking know.
FAQ #9: “You must really hate men to be a Lesbian, right?”
Answer: Nope. I don’t hate men, and most true Lesbians I know don’t hate men either. My straight friends and acquaintances are much more likely to have derogatory things to say about men than I do. Why? Because they’ve had to deal with men on an intimate level and I don’t, so I remain separate from all the het drama. (I do detest perverts and rapists of course, as everyone should…but do most Lesbians typically hate general males who leave us alone? No, not usually).
FAQ #10: “Why do so many Lesbians dress/act/walk/etc. like men?”
Answer: We don’t. Lesbians are female. It is society’s perceptions of how a woman “should” dress/act/walk/etc. that’s the problem here. Start questioning your assumptions if you actually have to ask this question.
FAQ #11: “Why don’t you have short hair?”**
Answer: You don’t have to have short hair to be a Lesbian. Being a Lesbian is not about what you DO, what you WEAR, etc. It is who you ARE.
**UPDATE: I now have short hair, but guess what? It didn’t change anything — I was a Lesbian before I cut my hair, and am still a Lesbian now that it’s short. Are you sensing a theme? I HOPE SO! Yes, the theme is that Lesbians are ALWAYS Lesbians, regardless of hair, clothes, etc. and regardless of whether we are single or in a relationship — from birth to death.
FAQ #12: “If you are attracted to Butches, why don’t you just get a real man?”
Answer: (Sighing loudly after banging my head on a brick wall for five minutes). Because I am a Lesbian. I do not want a man. I am attracted to females, and BUTCHES ARE FEMALES. FFS.
FAQ #13: “Do you want to have a threesome with me and my husband?”
Answer: Never, no, non, nein ~ in summary: no in every language.
FAQ #14: “You must be excited about all the progress that the LBGTQQIA+ community has made lately, right?”
Answer: A). Huh? How many more letters do they plan to add? B). It’s not really a community. C). “L” is the only part of that acronym that I am or that I will address. D). Other than the right to legally marry in the U.S., Lesbians’ needs are typically ignored and/or steamrolled over by most of the other letters in that acronym. E). So…no, not so much.
FAQ #15: “What books/resources by experts can I consult to learn everything there is to know about Lesbians?”
Answer: Many so-called lesbian “
experts” are neither lesbian nor expert. There is no one book or resource that I know of that correctly and/or adequately covers the topic. An easier question to answer would be what NOT to read (and that list is so long it would be an entire dissertation by itself).
FAQ #16: “Why do you insist on using the word ‘Lesbian’ even though some find it outdated/offensive? Why not just say you are ‘queer’ or ‘LBGTQQIA+’?”
Answer: Because words matter, and Lesbian is the correct word for me. The word “Lesbian” has become unpopular and is often misused for a number of reasons, but I refuse to allow others to dictate what I can say, nor what being a lesbian means. I am not going to dilute it or confuse the meaning with alphabet-soup, politically-correct BS. I am proud to be a Lesbian, and if someone doesn’t like it, that’s their problem, not mine.
That’s it for now, but there might be more in the future. As always, feel free to contact me anytime with questions or comments…
Edited to add this additional FAQ and answer, based on a comment below (thanks!):
Additional FAQ: “If you are a Lesbian, you must have been sexually abused by a male, right?”
Answer: No…HELL FREAKING NO. This is a very common, yet daft, misconception, which is sadly reinforced by Straightbians like Dorothy Allison. Being a Lesbian has NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH SEXUAL ABUSE. There are plenty of straight women who have been sexually abused, and plenty of Lesbians who have NOT been sexually abused. And vice versa. There is no correlation between abuse and orientation. Lesbians are born Lesbian. Being a Lesbian is NOT something someone can “become” for any reason. You either are a Lesbian, or you are not. Period. So get this idiotic thought right out of your head, please. You’ll feel much better when you aren’t making yourself look stupid. You’re welcome.