Ode To An Asshat

I recently received a comment that didn’t get published, but it contained so many ignorant and bigoted statements against myself and Dirt (and Butch/Femme in general) that I saved it for future fodder.

The same individual has submitted multiple comments to Dirt’s blog too, most of which also did not get published.

It appears as if this person has a reading comprehension problem (and perhaps she actually does), but I think the main problem that she has her own preconceived notions and therefore is being argumentative and intentionally obtuse.

This post is to address this person’s repeated questions, jibes, and trolling, so perhaps she can finally move on and start living her own life.

The easiest way to address all of her points is to quote from her comment, then to address her points sequentially, so here we go:


If you can’t be recognized without “your butch” around, how are you any different than a straight woman who relies on “her man” to be seen as a person?


What I actually said  is that sometimes other people don’t initially recognize me as a lesbian; however, I also said that most LESBIANS do if they are exposed for more than a moment. Learn to read.

I did NOT say that I don’t recognize myself as a lesbian, nor did I say that I rely on a partner to be seen or to see myself through.

I recognize and accept myself just fine as a lesbian, and I don’t need to change my appearance to meet random HETEROSEXUAL strangers’ uninformed views of what a lesbian “should” look like.

Being a lesbian is not what we wear or what we do, it is who we are.


If you are a lesbian, why do you only feel satisfied with another lesbian who, for lack of a better description, would perfectly fit gender norms had she been born in a male body?


Whoa.  Despite the dummkopf’s disclaimer of “for lack of a better description”, this question is mind-blowingly ignorant, offensive, and revealing.

The “lack of a better description” here isn’t the result of a lack of adequate language available; rather, it is the result of a lack of knowledge and understanding on the part of the writer.

I am a lesbian ~ ergo, I am attracted to females.

News flash:

Butches are female!

The fact that this person asked this question displays a stunning lack of insight into the fact that there is no “right way” nor “wrong way” to be a lesbian/female.

Butches carry female differently. That does NOT mean in any way, shape, or form that they are “born in the wrong body”.



Lastly, why does your wife act as if any lesbian (including gold stars) are “straightbians” if they are not a butch with a femme or vice versa?


Neither Dirt nor I have ever said that any lesbian is a Straightbian, regardless of whether they are Butch, Femme, or any other “sort” of lesbian.

A Straightbian, by definition, cannot be a lesbian; and a lesbian, by definition, cannot be a Straightbian.

Therefore, this comment doesn’t even make sense. It helps to read what we actually said, and then think before commenting to avoid embarrassing yourself.


You mentioned Marcie from Peanuts liking her dyke gym teacher. Remember Daphne and Velma from Scooby Doo? What if, say, Marcie thinks her dyke gym teacher is mean and yells too much and thinks Peppermint Patty isn’t a dyke, just a tomboy obsessed with Charlie Brown? What if she likes Velma because of the similarities they share, and is unwilling to chase after superficial Daphne?




My point is that being a lesbian is about sole sexual attraction to females from a pre pubertal age along with a lack of attraction to males. Why act as if one lesbian archetype (stereotypical butch/stereotypical femme) is the only valid one?


Neither Dirt nor I have ever said that being Butch or Femme is the “only valid” way to be a lesbian.

Never. Not once.

In fact, we have said repeatedly that B/F is actually very rare in the lesbian community.

And B/F isn’t a hypothetical “archetype” either.  It’s who we are.



There are plenty of born lesbians who both cringed at their gym teacher AND even the idea of wearing skirts/makeup AND cried their eyes out when the best friend they loved and dreamed of marrying told them they found some sadistic male classmate “cute”.

Not every lesbian passes as a man by accident and desires women who passes as straight by accident, or vice versa.

If you or your wife disagree, I’m curious as to why.

Do you both think that lesbianism not only is something one is born with, but can also only manifest itself through the “yin” partner being like any other girl except for desiring what our society calls “masculine females” and the yang partner being “butch from an early age” and solely desiring feminine women, even though most feminine women are not only straight/bi but perfectly willing to take advantage of lesbian love and need when they are in a phase of being angry with men.


Neither Dirt nor I have ever said that “every lesbian passes as a man by accident and desires women who passes as straight by accident”.

Lesbians come in many different “types”, physical characteristics, “styles”, shapes, sizes, colors etc.

We have said repeatedly that there is no “right way” nor “wrong way” to be a lesbian/female. 

The comments about most so-called “feminine” people ~ AKA Femmes (because the comment is in the context of a lesbian relationship) being “straight/bi but perfectly willing to take advantage of lesbian love and need when they are in a phase of being angry with men” shows shocking outright ignorance, prejudice, and preconceived false notions. Please to not be so incredibly stupid.

Femmes are lesbians. Straightbians are NOT lesbians.

Stop confusing this very simple distinction!!!!!

We do believe that being a lesbian is something we are born with; because not every female can “become a lesbian“.

Again, it helps to read what we have actually said, and open your mind enough to process it, before continuing to make inane comments.


I couldn’t care less about what you both say about trans people. I am interested in what seems to be a belief that lesbians are really “straightbians” unless they are a born butch lesbian partnered with a born femme lesbian or vice versa. Especially since I rarely see any lesbian couples that resemble this archetype in recent years despite seeing hundreds of female couples, most of whom are similar in masculine/feminine expression to each other. Do you really think that all of these loving couples are pretend and that one or both women in the relationship are really straight because they don’t completely fit butch/femme archetypes?


See all answers above and refer to what we have previously written.  You are perseverating.


Most gay male couples do not have a dynamic of one effeminate man and one straight passing man. In fact, they usually are similar to each other in terms of masculine/feminine expression. If these similarly gendered female couples aren’t really lesbian because they are not butch/femme (or because they are butch/butch or femme/femme), why do you ostensibly not feel the same about the gay male couples? I doubt you would consider a gay man “faux gay” (parallel to straightbian) because he and his partner looked similar with regards to gender expression.


Dirt and I don’t write about gay males or gay male culture.  We aren’t gay males. They can speak for themselves.

Our focus is on lesbians. So I won’t comment on that part about gay men because it is irrelevant to our focus.

Once again, neither Dirt nor I have ever said that lesbians aren’t “really lesbian” if they aren’t B/F.  I am not sure where this bizarre notion came from, since it doesn’t even remotely resemble anything we have actually written.  Ever.


This person is also the persistent yet idiotic commenter who repeatedly asks why I call myself “Mrs. Dirt” on Twitter and on our joint posts, then implying that I am a fluffy-headed, Straightbian, Stepford-Wife because I use that name.

So, here’s the scoop on that, for her and for anybody who may be thinking the same thing:

I started calling myself “Mrs. Dirt” on Twitter right after we got married.  It started as a light-hearted, silly, goofy celebration of the fact that…at long last, hallelujah…Dirt and I were able to do what our straight peers have always taken for granted since forever: get married. It was a dorky way to say to the Twitter world: “We are freakin’ MARRIED!”

This asshat commenter would likely then ask, since she apparently thinks I am an imbecile: Then, why did I say I am “Mrs. Dirt”, versus Dirt saying she is “Mrs. Saye Bennett”?

Well, that answer is very simple too.  Dirt is a well-known blogger who has been blogging for years, while I am not. I started this blog as a hobby, which I love, but very few people would know about my blog or my pseudonym.  It would have been stupid  to do it in reverse, because nobody would have gotten the joke.

Plus “Mrs. Dirt” is cuter too.

Then the whole “Mrs. Dirt” nickname just sort of stuck so I kept it. It’s an easy way to identify me on Twitter and on our joint posts, and quite frankly, I like it…NOT because I am oppressed, or unaware of the history surrounding the use of the term, or unfeminist, or stuck in the 1950s.  Instead, I like using “Mrs. Dirt” because it is a public, simple, and obvious way to align myself with Dirt.

I use my real name and my real title in real life, and Dirt does too.

“Mrs. Dirt” is an internet name…it is not my real name, duh! (Saye Bennett is not my real name either, by the way).

So there’s absolutely no need for anybody to get her panties in a wad about an internet name because most people call themselves names on the internet like “fluffypoodlemom101“.

Furthermore, I don’t care what this particular asshat commenter (and anybody like her) thinks of what I call myself on Twitter.  If anybody doesn’t like me or anything about me, avoid me.  Simple!  Problem solved.

In Summary:

1).  Reading comprehension is a fabulous thing. I am sure there are numerous adult education courses in the Santa Barbara area if a refresher is needed.

2). It helps to fully read and process what is actually being said before making numerous incorrect assumptions based on your own misunderstandings.

3). I will try to make it simple for you:

Lesbians are female. Including Butch lesbians.

Lesbians come in many different presentations, including Butch/Femme, as well as many other “types”. All are valid.

Femme lesbians are NOT Straightbians and we are NOT “trying to pass as straight”.

There is no “right way”, and no “wrong way”, to be a lesbian/female. Challenge your own assumptions if you find yourself saying that there is.

Lesbians are lesbians, and Straightbians are Straightbians. If you are one, you cannot be the other. Period.  Zero overlap.

There is a difference between orientation and behavior.  Learn the difference.

4). Nobody likes a troll. Get another hobby.

5). Bye.

24 thoughts on “Ode To An Asshat

  1. I fear your openness may be your undoing. I think if I had received those comments, they would have gone straight in the trash-can.

    Since we are addressing it, however, your correspondent states:

    “Most gay male couples do not have a dynamic of one effeminate man and one straight passing man. In fact, they usually are similar to each other in terms of masculine/feminine expression.”

    She’s been watching too much “Modern Family”. As a matter of historical fact, very many male homosexual relationships have worked on precisely those lines. It doesn’t make me happy, but it’s true. Of course, I resent the word ‘passing’ in this context. I also resent us (gay men) being dragged into ‘your’ argument in such a wholly illegitimate way. I don’t resent all comparisons, which you and Dirt and some of your contributors sometimes make in a perfectly legitimate way.

    I’m really too sickened by the frankly libelous comments of your correspondent to write further. I hope other contributors can make more intelligent comments than mine.

    Liked by 1 person

      • My niece majored in psychology, but I already spoke fluent psycho anyway. I know that means you could rely on me to poke my nose in where it wasn’t required. Seems to be what we do. (Heh, heh!).
        If this idiot knew even half as much about gay men as she pretends to, she would at least be aware that our problems come not from straight men pretending to be gay, but from men who use and abuse us while fully retaining their privilege as (and right to be called) STRAIGHT men. IF (a big ‘if’, indeed) lesbians and gay men choose to make common cause to fight our oppression, it’s nevertheless wholly illegitimate to conclude that our oppression is ‘the same’ or even ‘symmetrical’.
        Now I’m getting cross again, which is a sure sign I should stop writing

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Saye. I kinda wanna jump on this band wagon why you’re still online and still on this topic. Firstly, I like to thank you and Dirt for opening my eyes. You answered some questions that I’ve always been afraid to ask for fear of offending someone or getting slapped. There was a post that either you or Dirt made regarding lesbians who are married and or have children , but never come out of the closet or never act on it. I’mean not sure about myself anymore and I’m not just joking around but I’ve for years would consider myself a femme. I’ve searched online lesbian dating sites, behind my husbands back. I’ve had crushes on women, but then again I’ve had crushes on men too. I’d say that as an introvert, I’d run from both if either were interested back. Haha! But regarding this post, I’d have to honestly say that I am very ignorant. And not in a proud way, but in a very, very curious way. I want to know, if I am. I know that sounds stupid. I’m sorry. But I’ve Googled and done tests. But wouldn’t you think if my curiosity were that bad, that I was bi or possibly lesbian? Seriously I ask myself why I’d rather be with another woman. I’d it because of my abusive relationship with a man? What!!?? I don’t know. I wish there were a lesbian counselor I could seek, without a lesbian getting offended by me asking.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Hi, there’s nothing offensive or stupid about asking questions. 🙂

      The only reason I am giving this commenter (the one from the post) heck is because she is being argumentative AND offensive (and she is doing it on purpose…because this is about her 30th similar comment, counting the ones on Dirt’s blog).😕

      So: honest, polite questions are always welcome! 👍🏻

      Yes, I did write about later-in-life lesbians, and the main characteristic they seem to share is an awareness of affinity/attraction/pull to other females ever since an early age….even if they don’t act on it for many years.

      Even if they marry a man and stay with him a number of years, it is not because of “true” love/attraction, but rather because of such factors as trying to please family/society/church/etc., trying to fit in, trying to “do the right thing” by society’s standards, familiarity, etc.

      Like you said, when considering the topic, it is always good to examine motivations, issues, etc. For instance, women should ask themselves: am I genuinely attracted/oriented to women, or am I sick of men? Etc.

      Please let me know if you have any questions! 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

    • LOL! Yes, I normally just delete such comments, but this person has been so incredibly persistent with attempted comments (mainly on Dirt’s blog), I thought I should address it on the off-chance that she catches a tiny clue…

      Liked by 3 people

  3. “If you are a lesbian, why do you only feel satisfied with another lesbian who, for lack of a better description, would perfectly fit gender norms had she been born in a male body?”
    I find it interesting that this way of thinking* only works with femmes. I mean, no one really cares when a straight woman likes androgynous men, no one suggests that she is in fact lesbian, no one asks ‘why do you date girly males, when you can date a real girl instead?’.
    *for a lack of a better description 😛

    Liked by 3 people

    • Excellent point! (And LOL at the “*for lack of a better description” footnote).

      It is indeed interesting that this commenter seems to want to specifically judge me for who I am attracted to, but I agree that it’s unlikely she would criticize a straight woman for whatever kind of man she would be attracted to.


      Liked by 3 people

    • I actually think just, that. I think it is very suspect when women who “like men” consistently pursue effeminate men, androgynous men, or unavailable men. While it doesn’t necessarily mean shes a lesbian I think it can be an indicator and theres def something going on behind it. Im not into queer politics but I do think our subconscious will play out some strange things in the only available avenues when we don’t know better. Before i came out to myself I had this tendency(i guess i didnt feel allowed to acknowledge my attraction to ACTUAL females, so i projected it onto certain males instead). and while sex is fixed i dont think its untrue or offensive to speak about archetypes and our projections and what kind of values and statements people are embodying.
      I dont apply this to femmes who like butches at all. But I would find it questionable if a “lesbian”woman consistently goes for self-identified ftms or hypermisogynstic lesbians(of any presentation) which is more fitting to my analogy
      I respect Dirt for being butch and so at peace with herself as a female and love for female(lesbians at least). However there are certainly some distasteful butches, studs, and AGS that sure seem to have just as much hate for women as males do and sure do seem rather male aligned regardless of their “sexuality” if we can call it that.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Thanks for commenting! That is an interesting theory about women who consistently pursue effeminate, androgynous, or unavailable men. Food for thought…

        Just to clarify, I am not anti-archetype (in general) either; I appreciate Jung’s theories.

        However, in this case, this particular commenter referring to B/F as an “archetype” is inaccurate, dismissive, condescending, and quite frankly, just plain dumb.

        So in the context in which this particular commenter was using the word “archetype” to describe who we are, I am adamantly against its use. An equivalent faux pas would be to call someone of a different race an “archetype”: Offensive and wrong.

        I would like to address your last comment also, please: “there are certainly some distasteful butches, studs, and AGS that sure seem to have just as much hate for women as males do and sure do seem rather male aligned regardless of their ‘sexuality’ if we can call it that.”:

        Of course, anybody, Butch or otherwise, can certainly be flawed and therefore have distasteful attitudes, etc.

        However, true Butches are so incredibly rare that it is highly unlikely to personally run into enough of them to notice such a pattern.

        Lots and lots and LOTS of women say they are Butch and are called Butch by other people — incorrectly.

        If there is a huge deal of bravado and misogynistic attitude going on, it is a very good bet that the person in question is NOT a true Butch… but is instead “acting the part” of what she wrongly thinks is “Butch”.

        Fake “Butches” are pretending. Since they don’t know what it is like to really be Butch, they default to their ignorant and false notions of what “Butch” is…because they mistakenly think that “acting like a man” is “Butch”.

        I have been out for many years now and have been to lesbian bars, been on lesbian cruises, gone to lesbian parties, been to P’town, been to dyke marches, etc. etc. etc.

        I have seen thousands of dykes over the years, in a variety of settings, the majority of whom would say they are Butch (incorrectly)…but, in all these years, I have only seen 5 real Butches among the thousands who would claim to be.


        I guess what I am saying to you (and everybody else) is to please think about this factor before accepting someone’s claim she is “Butch”. Short hair and a tie (or leather and boots) don’t make someone Butch…being born that way does.

        True Butches do NOT have to swagger and boast and be bossy or “act like a man” because they are not pretending to be some false idea of Butch…they are just living their lives.

        The other factor is the “regardless of their ‘sexuality'” part of the comment. I am unsure what you meant exactly, but Butches only have one ‘sexuality’: lesbian.

        Liked by 4 people

        • Hey There Mrs. Dirt,
          Thank you for responding

          I absolutely agree with your post and your commentary. Really I just wanted to add a quip to the previous poster in terms of actually how peoples behaviour can be confused for different reasons and that yes I actually do think there’s is something confused to pursuing certain types of people.

          Thats *really* interesting what you’ve mentioned about in all of your life’s experience you’ve known only a handful of true butches. Thats like reallyyyy food for thought wow.

          Honestly I shouldnt’ve included butches in my comment because I dont really have much experience with them and they werent really who I was referring to with my closing comments. This might not be the right place to have mentioned it as it is somewhat intracommunity, but moreso about Studs and AGS for black and latina lesbians. They are who I have experience with and some of whom are very hateful and even I was calling into question their sexuality because for a bad few it seems its less about a lesbian sexuality at all or any so much as literally hating and degrading women sexually, not really sure if i call that a real sexuality just because its two females….BUT there are women who really chase them! like these super hateful studs and such, some who later become ftms(the studs). I mean this stuff I know of firsthand.

          Now thats really in regard just to the commenter I was responding to, as for your post I appreciate your content Mrs. Dirt! I dont know why that woman is antagonizing you like that. Sounds like someone really bent into radical feminism or gender abolition via rad fem and its dumb. I certainly am a certain way with my girlfriend and love being that way and our mutual expression, which some of those type might have problems w but idc. It feels very good for us!

          Just like you and Dirt mention, the important part is a woman living/loving with another woman happily not ticking off boxes informed by inauthentic political platitudes!

          I did have one question though aside from all this in regards to how you feel about butches and femmes. Do you think they are always only interested in each other? I mean can two “real” femmes want to be together or two “real” butches want to be together? Or does it automatically mean as part of the definition that a authentic femme would desire a butch and vice versa? If a woman feels like a femme, understanding its not about “femininity” and really something much deeper and intrinsic but isn’t interested in butches exclusively or necessarily does that mean she is not femme?

          Do you think that these other lesbians that aren’t really it are appropriating something or just don’t understand?

          Thank You, Have a nice night:)

          Liked by 1 person

        • Good morning! Thanks for your reply!

          I have been thinking more about it, and although they are likely not to be Butch, I do think that some dykes are self-haters; they can hate themselves as women/dykes and then externalize that hatred onto other women.

          Then, there are messed-up women who really aren’t lesbian who claim to be “lesbian” (Califia, for example) and then get involved with sadistic practices which hurt other women, projecting their own self-hate outwardly rather than dealing with it through therapy and hard work.

          Such behavior gives them a false sense of power.

          So, I definitely agree that there are women out there who can be as mean or misogynistic as men. I wish those women well, and I hope they eventually come to some self-realization and deal with whatever is going on, but I steer clear from them because they are toxic.

          Moving on to your question about Butch/Femme:

          Traditionally and correctly, the terms Butch and Femme meant 2 specific “types” of Lesbian who are attracted to each other.

          This is still the actual meaning, but like almost every other term since the horrible Queer Theory swept through the Lesbian community like the bubonic plague, language has ceased to mean anything.

          So, now, the terms “Butch” and “Femme” are thrown around willy-nilly to the point where they have no meaning whatsoever.

          Now, routinely, any dyke who is NOT stereotypically “feminine” is referred to as “Butch”. And any Lesbian who has some “feminine” characteristics is referred to as “Femme”. Some people nonsensically even refer to it as a “scale” (for instance, “she’s a 5 on the Butch scale” ~ what would that even mean if it were a real thing? That she’s a half-Butch?).

          So, the answer is that true Butches are attracted to true Femmes and vice versa.

          The couples who say they are Butch-Butch are really 2 dykes who have short hair.

          And the 2 alleged “Femmes” together are “lipstick lesbians” or, sometimes, “golf”-type dykes like Cat Cora are incorrectly referred to as “Femmes” (Note: the person doesn’t have to play golf, LOL, it’s just a sort of lesbo slang).

          As a side note: If you ever hear someone saying she “eschewed femininity” then there is a 100% chance that she is NOT a Butch. I have seen people adamantly claim that they were in an alleged “Butch-Butch” relationship because they had “eschewed femininity” and “become Butch”. Bullshit alert! Butches don’t have to consciously change themselves to be “Butch”. They just are who they are. They also aren’t attracted to other Butches!

          Hope I explained; let me know if you have any questions! 🙂


  4. Lesbian WOC: “I think it is very suspect when women who “like men” consistently pursue effeminate men, androgynous men, or unavailable men.”

    Testify! as I believe the pentacostalists say. There are definitely a small number of ‘heterosexual’ women who seem to make it their life’s ambition to inveigle gay men, catholic priests or self-declared ‘asexual’ men into their beds. The more faggoty, the more sincere in their vow of chastity, the more ‘asexual’ any of those men may be, the more determined such women are. I don’t think it’s legitimate to ‘read’ them as crypto-lesbians, but there is certainly something odd going on there. Some kind of manipulative power thing, but otherwise beyond my analysis.

    That said, there are plenty of ‘effeminate’ or androgynous heterosexual men out there, who seem to get a raw and unfair deal from all of us, and who would be grateful for the (non-manipulative) attention of a woman who has a taste for such.

    As for ‘crushes’, don’t worry about it. Even the faggotiest of faggots and the dykiest of dykes can have crushes on people of the different sex. Sharon Gless, even at her advanced age (and mine) still makes my knees tremble.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Interesting! I have to admit that although I do have a few gay male friends and my brother-in-law is gay, I am not overly familiar with gay male experience, so it is always interesting to learn more.

      I have one straight female friend who absolutely LOVES gay men to the point I have wondered whether if she is hopeful that she might someday “flip” one. There is one particular gay guy (who is a mutual friend of ours) who I swear that this straight female friend of mine would crawl through 100 miles of broken glass in the desert just to sweat in his shadow.

      Just speaking for myself re: crushes: I haven’t ever had crushes on the opposite sex, but I have had sorta-“crushes” on women that aren’t my “type” (non-Butches). Xena is the main example (NOT Lucy Lawless the actress…I mean, Xena, the character).

      Liked by 1 person

      • Good point well made. It’s probably Christine Cagney that I have more of a crush on than Sharon Gless herself, just like Leonardo DiCaprio really “floats my boat” in some of his roles, but repels me in others. Lynda Carter got me going as Wonder Woman, but in real life nyaah, not so much. I suppose that at least means they’re all good actors.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Mainly to WOC and Saye, but also to others who have contributed to this thread: I want to believe that butch-butch relationships are sustainable, not just because I have known, maybe not many, but enough lesbian couples who have been happy with each other as such, but more selfishly because it would put T. and my male ‘femme-femme’ relationship in a rather doubtful light if it were not true.

    I’m not altogether happy about robbing the word ‘femme’ from lesbians, but since I hate terms like ‘bottom’ even more, I can hardly find other ways to express myself. I’m perfectly happy with ‘faggot’, if that expresses it better. There is always a double-edge to such expressions, one of which is what we choose to get up to in bed, which is none of each others’ business, still less that of straights or ‘queers’, and the other how we present ourselves to or just are perceived by the world at large.

    Just as you, quite correctly, object to being ‘lumped together’ with pervy sado-masochists, we too resent the implication that as femmes or faggots, we exist in a world of passive rape-fantasy.

    Liked by 1 person

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