Lesbian Sex

How’s THAT for an intriguing title, huh?


Gustave Courbet, 1866: Public Domain

Seriously, though, I recently received a “Dear Lesbian” email asking me some very specific questions about sex, and it got me thinking about how much confusion and misinformation is out there, so I thought, what the heck, I may as well address it publicly.

While I will never talk about my own sex life  (sorry, LOL!), I don’t mind answering some general and reasonable questions on the topic.

So today’s post will answer the main questions asked by the person who emailed me:

“Why do some lesbians use sex toys (like strap-ons or dildos, etc.)? Does that mean they really want to be with a man? Is it ‘kinky’ to do that? I thought all lesbians liked oral sex!”

Although all lesbians do have one striking thing in common (we’re lesbians!!), we are a very diverse group in our interests, professions, hobbies, personalities, tastes, etc., and the topic of sex is no different.

Therefore, some lesbians like playing with sex toys, some don’t. Some lesbians like oral sex, some don’t. Some like penetration, some don’t. Some are very adventurous, some are more so-called “vanilla”. Etc. Etc. Etc.

In other words, there is no uniform procedure, nor any “right” way, to have lesbian sex.

Whatever consenting adult lesbians do sexually together is, by definition, lesbian sex.

As far as whether or not using toys in bed is “kinky”: I do not think so, but, as with most concepts, the definition of “kinky” will vary from individual to individual. That’s a question that the person who emailed me will have to figure out for herself, by first examining what led her to ask that question.

In my opinion, sex toys are not inherently good nor bad…instead, they are neutral. Sex toys are a tool used for a specific job, just like a ruler is a tool used for measuring.

Some people enjoy sex toys; others don’t. For those who do enjoy them, some toys are preferred over others.

For the same reason that everyone has different tastes for food (for example: some like Indian food, others hate it), sex toys are simply a matter of individual preference.

The most important factors are finding a partner whose desires are compatible with yours, then communicating about your sexual desires and dislikes.

Finally, I’d like to focus specifically on one striking point of the question: “Does (using sex toys) mean lesbians really want to be with a man?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!! 

Lesbians do not ever want sex with males. If lesbians do enjoy using any sort of toy in bed, it does NOT mean lesbians are fantasizing about a male.  It also most certainly does NOT mean lesbians are wishing there were an actual male involved.

Here’s a hint to lesbians: If your lover wants you to pretend to be a male in bed, or fantasizes about having a male join you in bed, or in any way brings the concept of “male” into your bedroom, you are dealing with a Straightbian.

Lesbians are females who are sexually/romantically oriented solely to females. Regardless of what lesbians are doing in bed, there will never be a male involved, even in fantasy.

15 thoughts on “Lesbian Sex

  1. I’ve always been of the frame of mind that what two people enjoy in bed is their “flavor” of sex…and some people like chocolate, some like strawberry and some like some nuts thrown on the top. It’s always going to be reflective of individual tastes.

    The concept of using toys have a lot of different connotations for people too. Even with some heterosexual men that enjoy their female partner using a toy on them – the idea is that they are bi or gay, but there are men that would NEVER be with a man, even if they enjoy using a toy.

    Me on the other hand? Well…occasionally, I do enjoy nuts on the top. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I also wanted to add something. Although I don’t like dildos and similar toys, I’ve seen far too many lesbians putting other lesbians down for enjoying those. Ladies, it’s not that these are lesser lesbians or they are necessarily trying to mimic straight intercourse: there is still a woman on the giving hand, so to speak, and there is still a woman on the receiving end. You see, it’s two women enjoying sex with a sex toy. Let’s be kind to each other 🙂

    On another note, here’s a question for you, Saye: what do you think about BDSM in general and, most importantly, as a lesbian practice?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Amen to all you said: to each her own; and that is one reason I wrote this post because it’s time for lesbians to stop in-fighting over what is “appropriate” sex.

      As long as it is between informed, consensual adults and nobody gets hurt, lesbians need to back off of judging each other.

      Relatedly, on the topic of BDSM, it is not MY cup of tea, but I know many people do like it. I feel like whatever floats your boat as long as it is between informed & consenting adults.

      My understanding is that there are very specific rules/safeguards with the priority on consent/safety in BDSM, which is imperative (and note that consent/safety was lacking in Califia and Allison’s stories which is why I was so judgmental of them).

      I have to admit, though, that I don’t personally understand the BDSM dynamic with lesbians: I don’t understand WHY it is desirable. Probably just a matter of individual taste?

      What are your thoughts about it?

      Liked by 2 people

      • It’s not my cup of tea either, because I hate pain hahaha Honestly, though, I can understand some of it. Giving and/or taking complete control over your own body is thrilling and it’s at the very core of sex, if you think about it. BDSM takes that to the extreme. So, I used to think that there was something to it that I could relate to (there’s some light stuff that I enjoy), but I completely changed my mind once I actually met people from the community in their element. The dynamics I observed are extremely sexist, with a bunch of men calling the shots and everyone else just being submissive – even the dommes. It was rather disgusting, because there was no real exchange and the consent was often dubious – I could see very clearly that many of these people were emotionally (and physically) damaged. So, my opinion is: do whatever you want, but make sure it’s really what makes you happy and healthy.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Yes! I second that opinion: “do whatever you want, but make sure it’s really what makes you happy and healthy”, and would also add: “…and make sure you are honest with yourself and your potential partner(s) about your true orientation and intentions”….

          Liked by 2 people

  3. I know this really isn’t a thread for me, but my boyfriend and I hurt each other so much in the ‘outside world’, unintentionally, that our bed is a place for kindness and gentleness and really paying attention to each other. There is no place for BDSM in that.

    But we’re old, and ‘domesticated’. I don’t rule anything out for younger people, just “be careful”, as I can no longer say to our son, he’s too bored with hearing it.

    Please don’t read anything here as judgmental, it’s just meant as descriptive of how my partner and I are now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks, Saye. Our son’s body is intact and disease-free, but his heart has been broken at least once (that we know of). Not much we can do to protect them against that, and probably a good thing that it is so, no matter how painful adolescent love can be, or how much our own hearts bleed for them. ):

    Liked by 1 person

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