Lesbians Are On Our Own

I have written before about homophobia and false allies.  I have been out for a very long time and have had many disappointing experiences and have answered many offensive questions about being a Lesbian.

So: I know how people are.

Or, more accurately, I should have known.

But: every day, I find myself more disappointed and more disillusioned with my fellow humans than ever before.

The election and its aftermath have stripped off the remnants of faux acceptance from our so-called “friends” and “family“, revealing a massive gangrenous sore which had been festering,  unnoticed, underneath the surface all along:

Lesbians have no true allies. We are on our own.


#PicsArt #FreeToEdit

My spouse, partner, and all-around sweetiepie, Dirt, recently changed her Twitter bio to say: “If you’re not us, you’re against us.”

Meaning: Unless you are actually one of us ~ a LESBIAN ~ you are against us.  I misread it the first time, thinking it said: “If you’re not WITH us, you’re against us”. But she clarified that she meant that unless you ARE one of us, you are AGAINST us.

At first, I thought, “Wow, that is really cynical, because surely we do have some allies…well…somewheretheoretically“.

You see, I wanted to believe that we have allies. And, pitifully, I still want to believe that we have allies: perhaps because I am still a four-leaf-clover-picking, peace-loving optimist underneath my current defiant exterior; perhaps because it would be easier and more pleasant to stay in denial about those who we mistakenly thought were our loved ones; perhaps simply because the truth hurts.

Sadly, however, I am now convinced that Lesbians are, in fact, on our own. More importantly, I am now convinced we always were on our own…because the appearance of support and acceptance from our alleged “allies“, “friends“, and “family” was, in reality, only a BandAid which was unceremoniously ripped off with the election of a bigoted dictator, revealing the repugnant stench of straight privilege and lesbophobia beneath.

Repeated Twitter attacks, hetsplaining, unfollowing/blocking and subtweeting by so-called straight feminist “allies“; unfriending and blocking by Facebook “friends“; and being admonished by various alleged former “friends” and “family members” to “calm down”, “be nice”, “don’t take it personally”, “get along” (etc.) have all coalesced in the last few days to irrevocably prove to me that most straight people, even seemingly well-intentioned ones, remain clueless, insensitive, unaware, and arrogant in their ignorance.

Plus: (unrelated to the election, but pertinent to this topic): Some (alleged) “lesbians” on Twitter have continued minimizing, denying, arguing, and/or even outright mocking our series about the existence of Straightbians and how Straightbians are detrimental to Lesbians.

The reasons why the truth matters to Lesbians should be stunningly obvious to anyone with an IQ higher than a Chia Pet, so the attitudes of these individuals indicates that not only are they Straightbians themselves, but furthermore, they are NOT even allies to Lesbians…and they never will be.

They don’t want to listen to Lesbians. They want to believe the false notion that any woman can magically become a lesbian, because their own pathologies are tightly tied to that illusion, and they have gained lovers, friends, attention, followers, fame, speaking engagements, and/or money from perpetuating the lie that they are Lesbians themselves, at the expense of actual Lesbians.

These individuals want to preach feminist theory about “political Lesbianism“, but they don’t want to actually deal with hearing the pesky truth from REAL Lesbians. They appear to be “inclusive” and “accepting” by promoting the untruth that a woman can “magically become a Lesbian”, and therefore, they are popular amongst the “feminist” crowd, because straight women want to keep “Lesbian” open as their backup Uber ride in case the dickmobile runs out of gas.

Furthermore, in addition to all the many traitors listed above, even our supposed “allies” who are purportedly fighting for Lesbian self-acceptance in order to to avert transitioning often show shocking covert lesbophobia. How? First, true Lesbian allies would care what happens to ALL lesbians, not just up until our 18th birthday. Second, the terms “gender non-conforming” and “gender defiant” are offensive terms to Lesbians (**See Note, below**), but despite being told this repeatedly, these purported “allies” continue to use these (and similar) inappropriate terms. Third, some  of these alleged “allies” will respond favorably to straight people’s input, while completely ignoring, or even rudely arguing with, polite Lesbian comments/questions.

Bottom line: True Lesbian allies would listen to Lesbians. They would believe Lesbians. They would fight for Lesbian issues/rights, even when it is inconvenient to do so. They would include Lesbians. They would remain in conversation with Lesbians, even when it becomes heated or uncomfortable.  They would support Lesbians. They would recognize Lesbian is a real thing….not just some choice to be made or discarded at will or whimsy. And: they would stand with Lesbians in our pain and fear about this election, without attempting to tell us how to feel or to “be nice”.

None of these things are happening.

The time for nice is over. The time for hoping that people will do the right thing is over.

It is time for Lesbians to wake up, stand up, and realize that with “friends” like these, who needs enemies? It is apparent that not only was Sappho ahead of her time poetically, it seems that she too realized that Lesbian needs to be its own island.

**Note**:  Edited to add:  After a comment, I realized that I should have clarified further why the terms gender non-conforming (GNC), gender-defiant, and similar terms (hereafter shortened to GNC for brevity) are offensive to Lesbians:

The way these terms are being presented is that the so-called “GNC” people (including the Lesbians who would fall under this description) are intentionally defying gender norms.

In other words, the idea is that GNC is some sort of conscious performance, rather than just being who people are naturally.

For the lesbians who would fall under the GNC category, this is an insult, as well as a dangerous assumption, because it implies a willful disobedience of “norms”, which, in turn, implies that it can be changed with a simple conscious decision to conform.

So the use of these terms is both dangerous and insulting to the Lesbians who are being referred to as falling under those categories.

Hope this clarifies better, and as always, if you have questions, please feel free to ask!

38 thoughts on “Lesbians Are On Our Own

  1. My one nitpick is with the term GNC, or gender defiant. I think there are false equivalencies that are confusing the issue. If you define gender as meaning “sex roles” or “sex stereotypes,” then it’s accurate to state that anyone who defied these notions as gender defiant or gender nonconformist. Which naturally includes lesbians. If you define gender as a way to live, feel, or present as a member of your sex, then saying someone is GNC or defiant is indeed very psychologizing and heteronirmative. Either way, society assumes heterosexuality and all it entails, and anything a straight culture devises to view or conceptualize lesbians is going to miss the mark. This post was pretty epic and surprisingly funny (dick mobile runs out of gas, lol). I’m sick of being told to be nice. What happens when you turn it around and tell *them* to be nice? They whine about political correctness and accuse you of censorship. SMH.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks and good points! I should have clarified further:

      Re: the specific tweets I am referring to (regarding GNC and gender-defiant), the way these terms were presented is that “GNC” people (including lesbians) are intentionally defying gender norms.

      In other words, the idea is that it is some sort of conscious performance, rather than just who people are.

      For the lesbians who would fall under the “GNC” category, this is an insult, as well as a dangerous assumption, because it implies a willful disobedience of “norms”, which, in turn, implies that it can be changed with a simple conscious decision to conform.

      So the use of the terms (in this manner) is both dangerous and insulting to the lesbians who are being referred to as falling under those categories.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. what about a female exclusive bisexual who DOES listen and care…consistently, only partners with women, and is critical of heteronormativity or heterosexuality (in regards to the violence it perpetuates against lesbians)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, and thanks for commenting!

      Perhaps I am feeling cynical right now, but I actually have been really feeling like lesbians are on our own.

      Of course, I do want and truly appreciate any support we can get. Like I said in the post, I do WANT to believe we have allies, but unfortunately, the last 12 days have taken 99.999999% of the hope out of me…

      So it’s not that I don’t appreciate the efforts of all people who are not Lesbian — I do. It’s more that I am disillusioned and disappointed by numerous people who had claimed/seemed to be “allies”.


  3. My best guess is that plenty of people are in denial: they can see a monster has been elected, but they can’t fully process it, yet. Perhaps think that having survived the Bush administration has given them some kind of special skills that will help them this time, too. Maybe they hope that Trump will turn out less awful than expected. I really don’t know, I’m not in other people’s heads. What I do know, though, is that there are plenty of people who are understandably panicking at this election’s results: lesbians, gays, and racial minorities come immediately to mind. And when someone panics, you can’t just tell them to calm down or be nice. You should listen to their concern and avoid minimizing them.

    Personally, I always thought we are on our own. I stopped expecting anything from allies a very long time ago. The only fruitful alliance I can see is perhaps with gay men, as long as it’s equally productive for both parties.

    Liked by 2 people

    • And here’s is where I can never get a straight answer from Trumpers: Why elect this man if you’re not at least condoning his bigotry and his exploitation?

      Well, I didn’t actually believe he was serious, they say. Then why elect someone that is a liar and a con man? Especially considering your eagerness to use those very same accusations against Clinton? Do you make a habit of electing leaders that have no follow through?

      The second answer is that he has good ideas, and my response is the same: What are they? I never get an answer on this either.

      Now that he is elected and he has started to outdo himself on his own borrow show, they’re rushing to proclaim they’re not bigots while doing absolutely nothing to assist target populations…except call for unity and complain their feelings are hurt and tell us to calm down.

      Their silence is deafening.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Heaven knows I’m no analyst of US politics (that way madness lies), but I suspect Trump was elected not because of an enormous groundswell of support for him, but because many Democratic-inclined or wavering Americans simply could not bring themselves to vote for Clinton, and stayed home.

        The whole fiasco raises worrying questions about how far democracy can work with an ignorant, uneducated electorate. I’m not suggesting that only people with a university doctorate should be allowed to vote (though Saye would be quids in under such a system), but many people in your country and both of mine seem to be (naturally or willfully) ignorant simply about how voting works. I dare say there are many people there who actually voted for Trump who are as astounded and shocked by his victory as we are, just as thousands of English people who voted for Brexit were immediately seized by “buyer’s remorse” and petitioned our government for a “do-over”.

        I know your tried and trusted way of getting rid of unwanted Presidents is to assassinate them (hip-hooray, the American way), but let nobody be tempted to do so in this case. (What am I saying? We’re all tempted, I mean let nobody act upon it.) That would live Michael Pence in charge, a seriously clued-up ultra-right professional politician with all the personal charm that Trump lacks.

        Like Aphrodite on TV, I like to draw my arguments to neatly packaged-up conclusions, but on this occasion I must just throw my hands in the air and cry “oy, vey” with the rest of you.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Yes, I agree that the main problems that led to Trump’s win are 1). the stupid electoral college system, and 2). people who either didn’t vote or voted third party, and I blame them like I blame the Trump voters…this debacle is on their hands. I totally agree that Pence is worse than Trump. This is a sad sad SAD time!

          Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t think there IS any logic with the Trump fans! As you said, they don’t have any good answers for any questions. They just want the rest of us to shut up and “unify” but that is never going to happen with the people smart enough to see what is going on and brave enough to speak up.


    • “The only fruitful alliance I can see is perhaps with gay men, as long as it’s equally productive for both parties.”

      What kind words you have for us: I would give a year of my life for them to be true, but my experience tells me differently, tells me that gay men are by and large as determinedly selfish in pursuing their own advantage as straight men.

      Lesbians (and, it must be acknowledged, straight women) have expended enormous time and energy campaigning for the repeal of anti-gay laws which never applied to them anyway, and to gay-focused AIDS and HIV initiatives. By contrast, pan-handling for coins in a gaymale venue for funds to combat breast cancer or endometriosis is an unrewarding experience in every sense of the word.

      There are perfectly legitimate pragmatic reasons for lesbians to be involved in the mixed lesbian’n’gay movement (access to otherwise unavailable resources etc), but they are seriously deluding themselves if they imagine there is a reciprocity of concern. So on the whole I’m inclined to agree with Hekate that some form of separatism is the best option for lesbians (of course, Europe is smaller and more crowded than your continent, so nobody here can be quite as separatist as you can).

      Someday I’ll write a book called “The Pessimistic Canadian”, shamelessly ripping off, title-wise, Graham Greene’s “The Quiet American”. The last thing I want to do is put a damper on your Canadian optimism. My nephew moved to Canada about 10 years ago, some godforsaken place in New Brunswick or Nova Ssotia, and is still delighted. I’d go there myself (not Nova Scotia, maybe Vancouver Island) if it wasn’t so bloody cold.

      I don’t think it’s just “greener-grass syndrome” that makes me believe things really are better there. Maybe, just like your gun-control, you have man-control, and can train up your straight and gay men to be better people than ours are.

      I hope it’s understood that my comments are about the political “lumping together” of lesbians and gay men. There have always been close individual friendships between lesbians and gay men, and long may they continue.

      Liked by 4 people

  4. I’m starting to get depressed at these negative responses about a lesbian/gay alliance. I talked to my wife, who pretty much agrees with you. She believes in strategic alliances, to address very specific problems together, but not in anything overarching. 😔

    Liked by 3 people

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