Back in 1983, a
sociologist flake named Pepper Schwartz wrote a book called American Couples, which reported that Lesbian couples have less sex/intimacy than heterosexual and gay male couples.
Thus, a hypersexualized STRAIGHT
academic dillweed single-handedly brought the damaging concept of “ Lesbian Bed Death” into the public’s consciousness, where it persists, even among Lesbians ourselves, like a demented stalker steadfastly ignoring a restraining order.
Schwartz’s assertions and methodology have been challenged repeatedly ever since. One fatally flawed study about the sex lives of “
queer” (ugh!!!) women even claimed to have completely debunked this myth. [That 2015 study, although well-meaning and well-received by all of us hoping to invalidate the myth once and for all, is sadly not valid because conducting a self-reported “ queer” (ugh!!!) survey which was “open to all women who have sex with women” does NOT equal Lesbian].
So, what is the truth?
Lesbians can’t trust Schwartz, and we certainly can’t trust people who think a self-report survey of so-called “
queer” (ugh!!!) women would in any way be valid for actual Lesbian experience.
In many conversations with Lesbians over the years, I have found it shocking how many of us simply accept “
Lesbian Bed Death” as truth, even when conflicting experience and information is presented.
In some cases, the myth even seems to become a self-fulfilling prophecy; whereby the natural/normal decreases in sexual frequency that often typically accompany long-term relationships are misinterpreted as the death of passion, which, then, in turn, is often misinterpreted as the beginning of the end of the relationship.
I don’t have any formal research to prove it ~ (and, quite frankly, no self-report research could ever truly prove nor disprove anything anyway, and self-report is the only way to ethically conduct sex-related research) ~ but, regardless, based on much anecdotal data from numerous friends and acquaintances, as well as many online conversations, I am confident in saying that “
Lesbian Bed Death” is indeed a myth.
There are several important factors, however, that I feel contribute to the longevity and tenacity of this nonsense, and I wanted to address some of those factors in this post:
1). Lesbians are vulnerable to the very same issues that can cause sexual desire decreases in everybody…but the difference is that we attribute these universal issues to “
Lesbian Bed Death” due to Schwartz’s ridiculous fiction. These factors could include, but are not limited to: aging, chronic pain/illness, stress, grief, menopause, surgeries, injuries, relationship issues, mental health concerns, body image issues, overwhelming work or personal responsibilities, boredom, schedule conflicts, unresolved trauma, etc. etc. etc.
2). People in general tend to believe so-called “
experts” and take what they say as fact, when we all should be questioning everything that we are being spoon-fed. “ Lesbian Bed Death” was reported over and over and OVER until it became generally accepted. But just because something is often-repeated does not make it true. (Earth is not actually flat, but for centuries people were TOLD it was; therefore, until someone challenged that myth, people actually believed that if they walked too far they would fall off the planet!).
3). As Dirt and I have repeatedly discussed, Straightbians perpetually wreak havoc on Lesbian lives, and sex is one of the many ways Straightbians are harmful to Lesbians. As related to the “
Lesbian Bed Death” mythology: if one of the partners is NOT A LESBIAN, she is never going to share true sexual attraction/interest with a Lesbian partner…and particularly not over a long period of time. So, while a Straightbian may initially have sex with a Lesbian (due to curiosity or novelty or commitment-seeking or manipulation, etc.), once the relationship is established, it is highly likely that the frequency of sex will decrease significantly (or may even disappear totally). Note that when this happens, it is NOT “ Lesbian Bed Death“….because one of the partners is NOT A LESBIAN! Instead, this is a simple case of 2 people not sharing a sexual orientation, which negates true attraction.
Moral of this post: Lesbians: please forget you ever heard the term “
Lesbian Bed Death“! Schwartz was wrong, but in true Straight-privileged fashion, she felt free to DICKtate and hetsplain Lesbian sex lives, and her lies have haunted us ever since.
It is time for Lesbians to tell our own stories, listen to our own intuitions, and focus on our own Lesbian selves for a change.
Our sex lives are our own, to do with as we please, and what we do, how we do it, and how often we do it is our business and within our control. We don’t have to be victims of a fictional syndrome perpetuated by a straight woman. Lesbian love is so far outside heterosexuality that what occurs emotionally/sexually between two Lesbians remains inconceivable to hets. Hets cannot and should not speak for us…we can, and should, speak for ourselves, thank you very much.
Hetsplanations for Lesbian sex consist of outright fiction and damaging myths ~ so hetsplanations need to go STRAIGHT to where they belong:
UPDATE: August 2018: I’ve learned a few thing since this original post which have caused me to reconsider my thoughts on this topic. Most of what is in the above post is still what I believe, but I have a few tweaks/additions I would like to make. Will write an updated post on this topic as soon as possible. ~ S.B. AKA Mrs. Dirt