How Much Sex Is “Normal”?: A “Dear Lesbian” Question

I just received an anonymous comment on my Lesbian Bed Death post, and since I think others may have the same questions/concerns, this comment will be the subject of today’s “Dear Lesbian” post.

Here is the comment:

The comments about happy couples still having sex after years worry me. I am a 45 year old lesbian. My girlfriend of 3 years never wants to have sex. Well, maybe not never, but hardly ever. Maybe like once every 3 months if I am lucky. I have been assuming it was lesbian bed death, but now I am worried. Does this mean my girlfriend is a Straightbian?

Without any further details, I am going to have to speak very generally, but first of all, I want to stress that there is no “normal” amount of sex to have.

What is “too much” for one person may be “too little” for another. Some people might want to have sex once a day, others once a week, others once a month, others once a year, others the 12th of never. (And any variation thereof).

While there is no “right” and “wrong” amount of desire for an individual, things can get tricky when we partner with another person, because one partner’s preference for frequency of sex may differ significantly from the other’s.

Ideally, couples will be (at least mostly) compatible regarding desire for frequency of intimacy, but sometimes, one partner will want to have sex much more frequently than the other, and when there is a big discrepancy, that is a really tough position to be in, for both partners.

This situation can happen with heterosexual or gay male couples too; so this issue is definitely not limited to Lesbian couples.

Bottom line: It’s impossible to say whether or not this person’s partner is a Straightbian, and it’s really not my place to do so anyway.

It is unclear whether the sex is still good when it does occur, or whether there has been a sudden and/or significant change at some point. Those are questions that the commenter will need to consider herself.

There are many non-Straightbian-related factors that can potentially decrease a woman’s sexual desire, including, but not limited to: thyroid dysfunction, parathyroid issues, chronic fatigue, chronic illness, chronic pain, stress, overwhelming responsibilities, perimenopause/menopause, post-hysterectomy issues, body image issues, grief, surgical recovery, hormonal issues, relationship issues, mental health concerns, etc.

And since so many issues can potentially inhibit sexual desire, it’s not always easy figuring out the cause(s).

As difficult as it will be, if the discrepancy in sexual desire is an issue (and it sounds like it is indeed a concern for this reader), the only way to start is by having a kind and supportive, but frank, conversation about the situation, approaching the issue directly but sensitively.

But don’t just assume that if your partner doesn’t want to have frequent sex that it must mean she’s a Straightbian. The discrepancy in desire may be caused a variety of other issues, and those answers can only be determined by the individuals involved, using good communication/problem-solving skills, and seeking professional help if needed (while also using our Lesbian intuition at the same time).

Hope this helps explain further, and as always, please let me know if you have any questions or comments.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This blog is NOT intended to be professional advice, nor to substitute for the advice of a licensed professional. The reader should consult with an appropriate professional regarding all mental health needs.

7 thoughts on “How Much Sex Is “Normal”?: A “Dear Lesbian” Question

  1. Oh, the poor writer of the question. Women in their 40’s may be going through perimenopause that may slow down your libido. Don’t rule that out.

    My life with a straightbian was mostly sans sexual intimacy. Thought I had cooties or something, she made me feel lousy about myself for so long. The silver lining was, during this period, I got to know myself really REALLY well.

    The universe blessed me with my now wife who makes everything seem so positive. She is the most optimistic person whom I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. We complement AND compliment one another in every way possible. We flirt, we touch, we laugh hysterically, we have each others backs!

    Icing on the proverbial cake? We devour each other every chance we get. *BIG SMILE

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thanks, Chonky! Relationships with Straightbians do present many challenges, both sexually and otherwise. It is indeed a startling, but wonderful, contrast when we do finally find the “right one” (and that “right one” is, of course, someone who shares our sexuality!). Makes the former “relationship” with a Straightbian pale in comparison.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m the commenter. Wow that was quick. I’m impressed lol. Thanks for answering. The truth is my intuition thinks she is a straightbian. Sex was never that great and she has never touched me. never. Pillow princess all the way. She had never been with a woman before me and she is my age. She tells me how much like a man i am how strong and masculine. it makes me uncomfortable now although to be honest I liked it at first. I thought i was alone until I found Dirts blog and now yours. thanks for all you do.

    Liked by 6 people

    • You’re welcome & thanks for your kind words about Dirt’s and my blogs. We want Lesbians to realize that we are our own normal and don’t have to accept the crap we’ve been handed.

      I believe our Lesbian intuition is a majorly powerful tool that we need to get in touch with and listen to. It’s been my experience that my intuition is always right; my main problem is getting out of my own way so I can follow it.

      You are not “like a man” and not “masculine” ~ you are a Lesbian, and you are perfectly fine exactly the way you are.

      Lesbian is its own normal.

      Best wishes in finding your answers, and please keep in touch!

      Liked by 4 people

    • I promised myself I would not respond in any way this post, but here are am I breaking my promise. I do so because what you write rings so many alarm-bells for me, a gay man. As a faggot, I am not altogether displeased by being thought of, in some way, as “feminine”. But when straight-gay men treat me as a “substitute” for a woman, an irregressible line has been crossed, and it’s “pack your bags, Mister”.

      I’m in no position at all to judge your partner. Probably you don’t want to do so either, but only you can and must. If you’re looking for advice, literally everybody here can give you that better than I. But I feel for your situation, and wish you a good outcome.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. To “Anonymous”

    If she is, run away as fast as you can if she is indeed a straightbian! I spent 20 years with one, she sucked the living life out of me.

    Now, I have a forever femme Lesbian wife who makes living and loving so easy.

    Good luck and if you are able, keep us posted.

    Liked by 4 people

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