Hymn to a Hetsplainer

Last night, I received a comment that didn’t get published, but I realized that it needs to be addressed, because I believe the wanna-be commenter likely echoes the feelings/thoughts of a lot of women who Dirt and I have been writing about and arguing with lately.

As some background, the situation started on Dirt’s blog with this post/comments, and led to this post/comments.

When Dirt refused to publish some of her comments due her insistence on linking to a particular “gender critical mom” blog, despite being asked not to, she moseyed over here, apparently in the hopes that I would publish her comment including links to said blog.

Sorry, but no. (Will explain further below).

My first instinct was to simply publish the comment and proceed to rip our wanna-be commenter a new one. After all, her rude, and vaguely threatening, comment is riding on the coattails of numerous arrogant hetsplainers who seem to think they know more about Lesbians than actual Lesbians.

To put it simply, I am completely fed up and the gloves have come off, especially in the last few weeks.

nnnl

So, anyway, I was angry, tired, and hungry when I read her wanna-be comment, but wisely (well, at least THIS time, LOL!) followed my own advice and walked away to consider how best to deal with the situation before responding.

I woke up this morning less angry and decided to proceed with a bit more compassion, especially after I saw this tweet.

So this post will address this wanna-be commenter‘s statements, without linking to said blog, and without identifying the commenter.

(Side Note: Heads-up regarding internet safety: Within minutes of receiving this woman’s comment, I was able to ascertain her full name, age, phone number, home address, previous address, email address, LinkedIn profile, place of employment, IP address, Facebook account, etc. I will not publish that information, but I do retain such information when I receive either vaguely or overtly threatening comments/emails. Just be aware that if I can find out all of this information, other people who may not be so considerate can also do it. Be safe, folks.)

Without further ado, here are her comments & my replies: 

1). Comment:

“Based on my personal observations, not only does dirt hate straight women with a vengeance, she hates lifelong lesbians who challenge her particular political views, or question anything she says. If this website is for lesbians, then I should have a right to speak. If LESBIAN. TRUTH. means anything, then let me speak.

As a professional psychologist, I don’t imagine it looks good for your professional career to be associated with a woman who makes these kind of vulgar irrational comments online. See a few examples below.”

My Reply: 

As I have written before, neither Dirt nor I hate straight women.  This commenter, along with many others, is apparently mistaking very direct communication with “hate”.  The two are not the same thing. Even when Dirt and I are rude (and yes, I know we can be), it does not equate to “hate”.

Furthermore, I don’t have to let ANYONE speak; this is my blog and I can, and do, choose what comments get published. If you want to speak unfettered by concerns about whether someone else will publish whatever you want to say, the simple solution is to get your own blog.

Also, the term “lifelong lesbian” is debatable (I will write more on this below).

Most importantly, though, out of this section, the last part sounds vaguely like a threat to my professional status. Perhaps it is not intended that way, but when dealing with angry people, I always have to be alert to such things.

Here’s the thing with her last statement (“I don’t imagine it looks good for your professional career to be associated with a woman…” ~ meaning Dirt, of course):

The United States is a democracy…well, at least it still is for now. Freedom of speech is still allowed in my country…and yes, that right to speak freely even includes psychologists.

It’s neither unethical nor illegal for me to state my opinion on a variety of topics. I never have, and never would, do anything unethical or harmful, and to imply that I have or would is both incorrect and libelous.

In fact, spirited debate about a variety of topics is a healthy part of most professions, including psychology; as well as being a cornerstone of democracy itself.

The most interesting thing about the latter part of this comment is the implication that I should be held accountable for not only my own actions/statements, but also those of my wife.

Um…no. It is not my job to police my wife’s words/actions; I am her wife, not her keeper. Dirt is a fully functioning adult who can, and does, speak/act for herself. So am I. Healthy relationships are not codependent or controlling.

2). Comment:

“Why would people get the impression that dirt and Saye hate straight people? Gee, it couldn’t have anything to do with all the obscene and vulgar “STRAIGHTBIAN/Het Woman, Miss STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK” rants that dirt often uses on her blog. Dirt even calls lifelong lesbians who point out some of the ridiculous statements she says on her blog, “STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK”. It’s a fact that dirt did call a woman she incorrectly assumed was straight, ‘Miss STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK”. No, this doesn’t mean dirt hates straight people. And, these are some of the nicer comments. All we have to do is read some of dirt’s comments.

I have to admit that as a lifelong lesbian who has never had sex with a male in my entire life that I’m no expert on straight people. Straight people have always confused me. Most of the time I feel out of place around them. Frankly, I’ve never quite understood heterosexuals, and I’ve never been attracted to males on sexual basis. Ever. Not even once. I love women physically, sexually, and emotionally. I love women from the depths of my soul. Having said this, I don’t hate heterosexuals. In fact, as lesbians we need educated heterosexual as allies.”

My Reply:

Dirt has never pretended to be Miss Manners; if you want Miss Manners, you are looking at the wrong blog.

As noted above, very direct, even rude, language does not equal “hate”. I can see why this would be somewhat puzzling to some people, but there is an important distinction between the two.

Regarding the “lifelong lesbian” portion of this comment, being with women and/or NOT being with men does not necessarily equate to being a Lesbian.

Behavior does not equal orientation. So: a woman can be with another woman for 50 years, but that does not necessarily mean she is a Lesbian.

Conversely, a “later-in-life” Lesbian can marry a man and perhaps even stay married for years, but that doesn’t mean she is straight; because if a woman is truly a Lesbian, she was NEVER straight, no matter how long she was with a man.

Once more in the off-chance that it will finally sink in:

Behavior ≠ Orientation!

Being a Lesbian is much more than who we f**k, or even whether we f**k. Lesbians process information and communicate differently than straight females. And I must say, our wanna-be commenter does NOT act/think/communicate like a Lesbian.

Finally, the comment “as lesbians we need educated heterosexual as allies” shows that the wanna-be commenter is unaware of the sad fact that Lesbians are on our own.

Our seeming “allies” are often shockingly lesbophobic, in both subtle (example: ignoring Lesbian comments, while enthusiastically responding to heterosexuals and Straightbians) and not-so-subtle (example: calling us offensive terms such as gender non-conforming or gender-defiant, which incorrectly implies that Lesbians are willfully defying societal norms).

And those are just a couple of examples.

3). Comment:

Note: This portion is redacted because of the wanna-be commenter‘s insistence on cramming the “gender critical mom’s” blog down our throats, against our will, despite the fact we have made it clear that we feel that such blogs are NOT true Lesbian allies.

The wanna-be commenter goes on to give an example posted on said blog which (allegedly) refutes Dirt’s (correct!) assertion that males who are transitioning are NOT coercing Lesbians into sex with them.

I won’t belabor that particular point again here, since Dirt has already covered it more than once, except to say that I have no doubt that there are males out there who are attempting to coerce females into sexual situations with them.

However, Lesbians are not the ones falling for it. Here’s your first clue, Sherlock: Lesbians don’t do dick.

The problem is, the example given by our wanna-be commenter does NOT, in fact, refute Dirt’s statement.

The example was based on a post by an self-described “detransitioned Butch Lesbian” on said redacted blog. Part of this example included this self-identified “detransitioned Butch Lesbian” revealing that she’d sent nude pics to not just one, but TWO (!?), males, having contacted them herself after seeing these 2 dillweeds posting about being “horny + suicidal”, and how only nude pics would make them feel better.

Um. Wow. How can I say this as nicely as possible?

First and foremost, any adults (regardless of who they are or how they “identify”) who are eliciting/accepting nude pics from any minor need to face severe consequences for their actions.

And any 16-year-old female who seeks out such predatory males herself and proceeds to send them nude pics needs sympathy, empathy, and professional help to examine the reasons why such a bizarre thing happened not just once, but TWICE (!?), and how to prevent it from happening in the future.

But would a LESBIAN do any of that? No.

Actually: Not just no, BUT HELL NO.

Lesbians don’t seek out males of any sort, nor do we send them nude pics of ourselves. Think about it.

Additionally, someone willing to send nude pics is obviously NOT dysphoric.  Think about it.

So, what does our wanna-be commenter‘s example prove? It certainly does NOT prove what she hoped it would.

All it proves is that our gender-critical straight “allies” don’t have a single clue what the meaning of either “Lesbian” or “Dysphoria” is, and continue to pimp out even more misinformation about Lesbian lives, all in the name of “helping” us.

Thanks, but NO THANKS.

4). Comment:

“This (Note: ‘this’ is referring to example discussed above regarding the nude pics) is happening to vulnerable young lesbians, and dirt doesn’t want to hear it. Nothing in this article makes me believe that this young woman is straight. Tomboys who would have grown up to be proud butch lesbians are being harmed.

This is how dirt describes the courageous young woman in this article posted on (REDACTED BLOG). To me, the young woman in the article sounds like a young lesbian who just got caught up in the trans craze. Young women feel intense pressure to identify as trans/queer/nonbinary, and this young woman says there is pressure on young lesbians to date transwomen, or be seen as transphobic. This young woman is now in a romantic relationship with a woman. She is just one of thousands of young lesbians who got sucked into the trans craze.

Dirt says,

“Her proof that Dykes are being duped into dick is a (clearly mentally screwed Het Trans Female) who now and I fucking quote IDENTIFIES as lesbian! Oh WOW! Yeah Mrs Dirt and I are so convinced by this we too are feeling pressured to dick lick! N O T!!!”

(source: http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2017/06/unstraightening-straight-lies-about.html)

I don’t have any problem with my sexuality, and I don’t care if dirt insults me. Why would dirt insult the courageous and well informed mother who runs (REDACTED BLOG)? Why would dirt insult the young woman in the (REDACTED BLOG) article? To me, this article sounds like a confused young lesbian who got caught up in the trans.”

(NOTE: What follows is several more links from said REDACTED BLOG and comments about how we should LOVE said REDACTED BLOG. Needless to say, I am not going to post all that rhetoric. Let’s just say our wanna-be commenter seems sooooo intent on crawling up this blogger’s butt, we would normally suspect she is a proctologist, but we know she’s not from her LinkedIn profile.)

My Reply:

Again, as I noted above, the example given most certainly does NOT sound remotely like Lesbian behavior, plus the words “identify as a Lesbian” raise a huge red flag of NON-Lesbian status.  (Lesbian is NOT something to “identify as”…you either are, or you’re not, and actual Lesbians know that).

What part of sending nude pics to males is unclear to our wanna-be commenter? “Nothing to suggest she is straight”, huh? Really?

Furthermore, neither Dirt nor I have ever said that Lesbians, young or otherwise, aren’t feeling tremendous pressure to transition and pressure in other ways as well.

QUITE THE OPPOSITE, in fact.

(HELLO!! Anybody home? Knock-knock, reality is calling!)…

Dirt has been writing about these very issues for approximately a DECADE now. She was writing about the pressures on Lesbians long, long, LONG before this new posse of so-called “gender-critical” hets even noticed the trans trend, but in typical straight-privileged fashion, decided that THEY were the experts on the topic, giving ZERO credit to the Lesbians, especially Dirt, who had been voicing the very same concerns, and MORE, for YEARS. Years.

Shaking my head.

Is that the behavior of true allies? No, it is most certainly NOT.

5). Comment:

“I’m a lifelong lesbian who has never had sex with a man, and this is how dirt describes me. I’m a lesbian, and this made me cry. This insult is the worst possible insult to say to any lesbian. It was so over the top offensive. This is the way dirt attacks lesbians who have different opinions, or challenges some of her articles.

‘This comment by Miss STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK is an vain attempt at proof she is a Lesbian by describing a litany of known STRAIGHTBIAN behaviours. Lesbian to her is about who you share your pussy with, not whats between your ears. Again, neither Mrs Dirt nor myself have ever said not diddling dick equals Dyke. Plenty O STRAIGHTBIANS have long term relationships with Women and Lesbians, but if you are N O T a Dyke in the womb, you are N O T a Dyke PERIOD!!!

….Clearly Miss I-kissed-a-man-on-the-phone-and-I-liked-it, you thought wrong about me/this blog! If a Woman wrote to me for legitimate help (and many have), of course I would do what was in my power to help them. But this blog and its intentions have/are/and will ALWAYS remain for LESBIANS/ABOUT LESBIANS, not Het Females (regardless of their trans state).

Miss I-flunked-out-of-elementary-school knows what she’s talkin ’bout cuz she spoke to a man pretending to be a Lesbian on a Lesbian dating site where she (Het Woman) was pretending to be a Lesbian!’

(source: http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2017/06/unstraightening-straight-lies-about.html)

I graduated from the University of California, one of the most respected institutions in the US, and dirt says I’m, ‘Miss I-flunked-out-of-elementary-school’. It’s a miracle that my uneducated mind can even string together a few sentences. So, please forgive my ignorance.”

My Reply:

My first thought is that I can think of about 20 insults, just off the top of my head, that are worse than that, but I will spare us all that list since my intention is honestly NOT to make anyone cry.

My second thought is that both Dirt and I receive insults, even threats, on a regular basis, that are much worse than “Straight-To-The-Next-Dick”, so I have to admit that I am genuinely puzzled why that particular statement would be sooooo upsetting.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect anyone to be happy about it, but I actually cannot imagine being moved to tears over a stranger’s verbal sparring.

My other thought is that neither Dirt nor I “attack someone for having different opinions” nor do we attack all of those that “challenge” us. (If we did, it would be a 24-hour-a-day job).

We do, however, routinely call out people who we feel are misrepresenting Lesbian lives and we do address the myriad ways in which Lesbian is continually bastardized, which is most certainly NOT a simple “difference of opinion”.

6). Comment:

“For the sake of argument, let’s say I’m not a lesbian. Apparently, only dirt and Saye know what lesbian means. I know I’m lesbian, and people who are secure in their sexuality don’t feel the need to explain themselves. At any rate, if I were heterosexual, which I clearly am not, dirt’s incoherent and especially mean spirited rants are proof that dirt has some serious issues with heterosexuals. I mean some serious underlying issues. Dirt and Saye want all of us to believe that calling a woman who they incorrectly perceive as straight, ‘Miss STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK’ is not being disrespectful to heterosexuals. Please, get some help for dirt. Aren’t you supposed to be a psychologist?”

My reply:

I’m not “supposed to be a psychologist“, I AM a psychologist. However, to clarify, once again: the huge bulk of the writing I do is speaking as a LESBIAN, not as a psychologist. When I am writing as a psychologist, I am careful to say so.

Regardless, yes, Dirt and I are indeed saying that many, both past and present, who have claimed to be Lesbians are NOT actually Lesbians. And yes, we do know the difference; it is usually quite clear by such data as statements they make (such as “being a Lesbian is a choice” ~  when a real Lesbian would know it’s not). The non-Lesbians we wrote about in the Unstraightening Lesbian series have a huge body of public statements from which to analyze. Plus, there’s a little thing called gaydar.

We didn’t ask our wanna-be commenter to verify her orientation, but for some unknown reason, she seems determined to try to convince us.  As she herself says here, why would anyone feel the need to continue to try to explain herself (as she herself clearly does)? Doth she protest too much?

Also, what Dirt is saying is only “incoherent” to our wanna-be commenter, who clearly doesn’t speak Lesbian.

Finally, and most importantly, our wanna-be commenter is very wrong about her statement that Dirt needs help.

And, yes, I AM saying that both as a psychologist and a Lesbian.

The only “help” Dirt needs is for individuals such as our wanna-be commenter to stop talking long enough to listen; to stop arguing long enough to THINK.

Unless our wanna-be commenter can arrange for that, I must now bid her a not-so-fond adieu.

2 thoughts on “Hymn to a Hetsplainer

  1. These types think it’s so awful for males to claim to be women, change the definition of woman, and take over women’s spaces…but see no problem with straightbians claiming to be lesbians, insisting that we can’t define ourselves, and speaking on our behalf.
    This commenter could have taken her “Who are you to tell me how I can identify??!?” line straight from the trans male playbook.
    It’s kind of ironic, actually. That, and extremely hypocritical.

    Liked by 1 person

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