Do Femmes Wear Lipstick?

Since I published “Femmes: Facts Versus Fiction” just yesterday, I have received several comments/emails along the lines of:

“But I wear lipstick”

“But my Butch pumps my gas for me”

“But I like kitten heels!”

“Maybe you’re not a Femme yourself”


Just to clarify, I didn’t say/mean that Femmes NEVER wear lipstick/makeup or get dressed up ~ the answer is: we may or may not, depending on the setting/situation and personal preference. I wear lipstick myself sometimes, particularly to work.

Regarding duties, etc., what I actually said/meant was:


The point is: Femmes are NOT “performing gender”. We aren’t play-acting or mimicking straight women. We aren’t primping and preening incessantly. We are more practical than that. While we may choose to “dress up” if the occasion calls for it and if we feel like it, we don’t feel the need to constantly prance around the world like a runway model. We wouldn’t put vanity over safety.

Here’s an example: Years ago, I took a Lesbo cruise to Alaska, and went on a group hike one day. It was over (fairly) rough terrain…in other words, it wasn’t a simple stroll on a neat concrete path. Everyone, including me, wore hiking boots, as allegedly required by the hiking guide…except for one purported “femme” Straightbian who wore…get ready for it…KITTEN HEELS (and a miniskirt)! Yes, it’s unbelievable, but…there she was. If I’d been the guide, I would have refused to take her, but it was not my call. So, this beautiful but helpless creature tottered dangerously throughout the hike, needing constant assistance. Even her girlfriend looked annoyed. I never saw Ms. Kitten Heels again, but I would bet anything that she MARRIED A MAN and is likely driving a soccer-mom van.

Also: Of course, there’s nothing wrong with dividing duties with your partner in whatever way it works best for both of you. So, there may be some instances where one partner primarily pumps the gas or one partner primarily does the grocery shopping (or whatever).

But what I was trying to say is that many people incorrectly think that Butch/Femme couples divide up the duties based on the perceived “Butchness” or “Femmeness” of the duty itself, and that perception is simply not true. For example, Dirt does most of the cooking, and I do most of the bill-paying. I drive an old truck and Dirt drives a car. I would be willing to bet that most people would not guess those things.

The main point that I was trying to make is that Femmes are NOT helpless, hapless, frilly, little goofballs who are dependent on a Butch or anyone else to help/save/rescue us. Femmes are Lesbians, and we function as Lesbians. We know how to take care of ourselves, and we have been fending off wannabe male suitors successfully ever since…well, forever.

Our relationships with our Butch partners are straightforward and equal. There is no straight-wannabe playacting nor any false dichotomy of “the strong one” and “the weak one”. We are both strong. We are both Lesbians.

6 thoughts on “Do Femmes Wear Lipstick?

  1. Butch/femme reality: I wear lipstick, but not as a rule. I wear runners or boots but never heals, we don’t have a car, household chores depends on who’s health is better at the time but I usually do the laundry and cooking because I enjoy it. There are no rules based on “gender expression”, in fact neither of us do “gender” (as the queers say) in any form, it’s a straight concept that has very little meaning to us. We do our own thing. We are Lesbians.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I really don’t know where you find the patience to deal with people who choose to WILLFULLY MISUNDERSTAND everything you say.
    How shallow does these commenters’ sense of self have to be when they feel threatened by somebody pointing out her general, common-sense observations? The only reason I can think of is that they know on some level that their “identity” is an act.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I notice that a lot of the defensive straightbians/hetsplainers whose comments I read seem to have some kind of moral investment in the “identity” of lesbian. They don’t see that quality as equivalent to say, being left-handed or short – a quality that remains a fact regardless of other people’s accusations or opinions about you. It’s as though when they hear someone imply that they’re not a lesbian, what they hear is “You’re a bad person!” (Or should that be “bad feminist”?)
      Anyways, that reaction makes it clear that lesbian is something they aspire to be, try to be, want to be (for whatever misguided reasons), but know, on some level, that it’s not what they actually ARE.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much; I appreciate your empathy! Yes, I often wonder whether people actually don’t understand whatever I am saying, or whether they are willfully misunderstanding; based on my observations, I believe that many times, it is indeed the latter.

      As for my patience, that seems to be wearing thinner over time, LOL!


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