Everyday Lesbophobia and How It Harms Lesbians Every Day

As anyone who reads my blog and/or follows me on Twitter already knows that I have been angry lately. Very angry. Heck, let’s just be honest here, I am still angry now.

I am angry at all of the Lesbophobia I see everywhere online and in real life, both overt and covert. I am angry at false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers.

I am angry that nobody but a handful of fellow Lesbians seems to even notice, or care, that Lesbians are being thrown under the proverbial bus left and right.

As of this morning, I became aware of another feeling existing along with the anger:


Sadness is a much less comfortable feeling for me than anger. With anger, I feel “in control”, powerful. With sadness, I feel helpless.

As much as I don’t want to feel sadness, darn it…there it is.

It turns out, underlying my anger and defiance, there is something else lurking much deeper which I am not even fully consciously aware of yet myself. Something that I cannot fully articulate yet; something that I am just now beginning to see the fuzzy outline of through a thick fog of anger.

For some time now, I have been gradually coming to an uneasy realization of the increasingly obvious fact that Lesbians are ultimately on our own. I have been very resistant to this knowledge, because I don’t want to believe it.

I have about a zillion screencaps which would starkly illustrate my points about false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers and the lesbophobia they perpetuate.

But I won’t post those screencaps in this post, because this post is not about proving my point…interestingly and ironically, their own comments prove the very points Dirt and I are making.

Anybody who wants to see specific examples of truly appalling anti-Lesbian sentiments can peruse my Twitter timeline/replies (and the subtweets about myself, Dirt, and other Lesbians) to see the hatred, nastiness, pettiness, and sheer meanness directed at me, Dirt, other specific Lesbians, and/or Lesbians in general.

Instead, this post is about the direct and indirect toll of such lesbophobia on Lesbian lives.

Here is just a small sample of the many possible ways that anti-Lesbian actions/comments take on Lesbians, every second of every minute of every hour of every day FOR OUR WHOLE LIVES:

  • Feeling alone;
  • Feeling misunderstood;
  • Feeling attacked;
  • Feeling sickened, physically and/or emotionally;
  • Feeling chronically angry;
  • Feeling the need to constantly defend ourselves, our partners, and other Lesbians;
  • Feeling hesitant to speak up because it means facing a whole crowd of opponents;
  • Feeling invalidated;
  • Feeling invisible;
  • Feeling anxious;
  • Feeling outnumbered;
  • Feeling different;
  • Feeling hypervigilant;
  • Feeling exhausted from all of the ongoing effort;
  • Feeling a new wave of disappointment every single time someone else lets us down;
  • Feeling offended/invalidated when outsiders tell us to “be nice” or when they try to make us mediate/get along with Lesbian-hating bigots (think about it: would they ask Black people to be nice to the KKK, or Jewish people to be nice to Hitler???!!!);
  • And last on this partial list, but certainly not least: Feeling sad.

I have decided that it’s okay to feel sad today. It’s okay for myself and other Lesbians to feel any/all of the things listed above…and more…because ALL of those feelings are COMPLETELY NORMAL REACTIONS to living in a world in which the BEST case scenario is that we will never be fully understood/accepted and in which the WORST case scenario is that we are murdered, raped, beaten, fired, denied housing/employment/etc., and/or otherwise harmed for simply being who we are.

And my message to all of the false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers (and to all of the simpering sidekicks) who are harming Lesbians with your copious bullshit: Karma is a bitch and she sees what you are doing.


Image: Used under license with Shutterstock.

2 thoughts on “Everyday Lesbophobia and How It Harms Lesbians Every Day

  1. Before I understood the cold hard facts, I used to feel sad, alienated, and alone without knowing WHY.
    And that’s a very dangerous state to be in, because you start looking for “problems” and “solutions” that don’t address anything (interrogating your “gender identity” for instance). Or, you keep making the same mistakes over and over (like extending trust to the untrustworthy) and not understanding why things continue to go wrong. This was me for a number of years, and I have to tell you that your blog has helped me so much.

    Mulling over my own past complicity and enabling of straightbian co-optation helped me realize the emotional needs those beliefs were serving. The need to not feel so completely different and isolated. The need to believe that various women I was interested in could “become” Lesbians when all signs pointed to the contrary. The dependence on the false sense of community shared feminist or queer politics seemed to provide. The hope that when it came to allies, something was better that nothing.

    I bring all this up because I see a lot of Lesbains allowing themselves to be used, appropriated, misrepresented, vilified, etc. They’re not the biggest part of the problem by any means, but I think they may be the only part that has a chance of changing. I’ve been really trying to get the lesbians I know in real life, most of whom are completely queer-theory-indoctrinated, to start thinking from the standpoint of self-interest.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks so much for your comment, MintLeaf. Great insights and I totally agree with all you said. Lesbians do need to realize the ways, both subtle and more obvious, in which we are being harmed, even though that realization is a difficult wake-up call.

      I was very discouraged yesterday when several straight “feminists” on Twitter were repeatedly saying horribly anti-lesbian things (even saying “marriage”/”wife” in quotation marks, implying that our marriage isn’t even real!!!) — and nobody but a handful of Lesbians even noticed or cared. Some even told us to “be nice” and “get along” — even while they were actively ridiculing us and our marriage.

      (As an aside: People often think that because straight “feminists” are “gender-critical”, it means they are on Lesbians’ side. Some even talk a pretty good game. But when the chips are down, their true colors show through and it is never pretty).

      Anyway, it was all unusually discouraging. (And I am very stoic, so if it got to me…it was BAD).

      But I woke up this morning and got your comment and remembered that it is Lesbians I am reaching out to, not straight people. And my point is to help Lesbians see what is happening in order to protect ourselves.

      So, thank you. Thanks for your comments and your insight. It is truly appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

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