The Price of Truth

Since Dirt and I started speaking out about Straightbians and the multiple ways in which they harm Lesbian lives, we have both received numerous emails and private messages thanking us for speaking out. 

Sadly, though, the majority of our private supporters do not have the courage to say so in public. 

As just one example, here is what one person said to me privately, versus what she later said publicly: 

Private


Public:

Well, I know that it is difficult for some Lesbians to come out of the closet, but that issue has nothing whatsoever to do with Straightbians.  (You either are, or are not, a Lesbian, and if you are, you aren’t a Straightbian…zero overlap). 

I wish I could say such a gap between private versus public behavior was limited to this one person, but, alas, it is not. 

It seems that the price for speaking the truth is too costly for most people. 

For me, truth trumps popularity.  I won’t lie in order to be popular and tell people what they WANT to hear. 

The truth is: Any woman cannot just magically “become a Lesbian”, and all the wishful thinking and denial in the world won’t change that simple fact. 

PS: You may be wondering why I am bringing this up. Well, the answer is simple: It is because I am frustrated  and burned out with fighting with straight women on Twitter over what it means to be a Lesbian, while knowing that other (real) Lesbians agree, but nonetheless won’t publicly support the (very) few of us who are willing to speak out.  

14 thoughts on “The Price of Truth

  1. It’s really hard to speak out against the homophobic liberals. Although conservatives will just admit to being homophobic and have an honest conversation about the fact that they hate us, liberals pretend to be gay friendly while actually hating us in weird and sneaky ways. Plus, they get super hostile when you speak out against their dogma. I have started sharing my trans critical views with people I know in real life and it’s been very difficult. I am trying to have the courage to say some important truths, even if I get bullied. For example, that lesbians are female, and that males cannot be lesbians, because males are not female. I think there are hundreds of us who see homophobia and don’t say anything for fear of the bullying. Whether liberals like it or not, lesbians are female homosexuals, and that means we do not have penises nor do we have any sexual or romantic interest in anyone with a penis.

    Liked by 1 person

    • True — It is indeed really hard to speak up when faced with tons of opposition. And I totally agree with liberals pretending to be gay friendly but actually hating us in weird & sneaky ways (perfect wording, BTW)! Sometimes, it feels like we are facing opposition from ALL sides, even from very unexpected sources. I need to keep reminding myself to be patient with others who are afraid to take a public stand for various reasons. Thanks for your insight!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I followed your site, because I enjoy different points of view, candor openness, and honesty. How can we ever learn, and become better people, if we don’t broaden our horizons.The world would be a better place if, like you, we all had the courage to say what we’re feeling. As a father of a son who came to me about being gay last Christmas – it didn’t matter one tiny bit. He’s my son, and I love him more than words can say. Good, luck, and keep doing what your doing.

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  3. The popularity aspect plays a part, but the underlying reason for that, as you and I both know is fear. Those dogpiles can be absolutely brutal, and not everyone is strong enough to fend them off. Whilst it is frustrating that they will say one thing in private and another in public, I can sympathise with the terror they may feel at being on the receiving end of one of those dogpiles.

    I’ve been online for approaching 20 years and have known adults to be reduced to tears and quivering wrecks by the attacks upon them. Because anonymity provides a refuge for the attacker. They can be as cruel as they like and the humanity of the victim is irrelevant.

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    • Great points. Dogpiles are brutal, and Lesbians are greatly outnumbered, so yeah…scary. I am trying to reframe that in my own mind and understand that the stress is just not worth it to many people…and who can blame them? I really shouldn’t, and actually, for the most part, I don’t think badly of others who stay quiet. But it is hard though when someone says one thing privately and I think “Hey, ____ understands!” but then one day, I see her publicly saying the opposite to people who are actively disparaging me and/or Dirt. And this one person in the post isn’t the only one that has happened with. It always feels like a huge stab in the back when that happens…

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      • It is a stab in the back for sure.

        Ultimately, it’s when the dust clears, that’s when we discover who the friends and allies are. And whilst it’s heartbreaking to lose those we thought understood, their loss in the grand scheme of things is necessary. They were false allies to begin with anyway.

        After I jumped off of the Twitter ship and focused on ‘real life’ (at that time I’d just exited a very unhealthy relationship, so needed time to recover from that), I looked back upon my time on Twitter and reflected upon the ideological zealotry that I’d participated in and my own manufactured outrage. It is after all a playground for the perpetually offended.

        I’d sit there participating in the Trans women are not women debacle and actively tell men to sit down and shut up because they’re white and privileged. And it’s all bullshit. Half the time I would be second guessing myself, doubting whether I actually believed half of what I was putting out there. I came to loathe the self victimisation of feminists, the constant need to render females as perpetual victims of males, as if women are completely incapable of acting and thinking independently. That women cannot be held accountable for their own behaviour because we’re manipulated and conditioned by the ‘system’. This approach renders women like children, without mental capacity. It’s insulting. If your life is fucked up, guess what, you probably made some poor life choices. Own those choices and stop blaming men all of the time for your own failings. Oh and the ‘handmaiden of the patriarchy’ accusation towards any woman who don’t agree with their radical narrative, acting like they’re the enlightened ones and everyone else just can’t see the truth. Pure arrogance, and very much like the behaviour of religious zealots.

        I don’t know Saye, maybe the fact that I am a Lesbian contributes to the fact that I don’t consider myself a victim of the Patriarchy.

        You know what, I was one of those that judged you and Dirt harshly at one point in time, I’m truly sorry for that. It isn’t something that I am proud of. I misunderstood the context of what it is you were both trying to say in regards to the bisexual, Straightbian and the toxic impact of feminism upon our community discussion.

        Now I do.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thanks for telling me that; I appreciate it. I am glad you understand now what we are actually saying (versus what others apparently THINK we are saying).

          I am always amazed when someone (privately of course, LOL!) sends us a screencap of what is currently being claimed about something we allegedly said & it won’t even be CLOSE to what we actually said, yet there will be tons of straight feminists just jumping right on that bandwagon, believing it without question and without bothering to check.

          Among the more outlandish and completely untrue claims that I recall off the top of my head include (paraphrasing of course): “Dirt told me I should have aborted my sons” (Nope); “Dirt says all straight women are just dick riders” (Huh? We had never even heard that term before!); “Dirt says we should abort all male babies” (again, not even CLOSE); and Dirt/Saye say that all straight women are stupid/useless/weak/dumb/crazy/etc.” (No, no, no…etc.).

          I have been obsessing lately over whether they ACTUALLY misunderstand what we are saying, or whether they INTENTIONALLY twist/misrepresent what we are saying? I vacillate on that question, and perhaps both are involved…

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        • Hi Saye,

          Thank you for that πŸ™‚

          Surprisingly, despite disagreeing with you both vehemently at the time (which resulted in a mutual block), I never stopped reading your blog, and have also read Dirt’s blog from time to time also.

          Can I be honest? Was it a case of the difference in writing styles that ultimately resulted in me eventually understanding what it is you were both trying to say? Dirt doesn’t mince her words, and I wouldn’t expect anything different, she is who she is (and that isn’t a criticism). But I would read her blog, frown a lot and then come here to read your words which would expand upon what she was saying, but in a different way.

          Sometimes I must admit, I get confused with the straightbian/bisexual points. Are Dirt and you saying that all bisexual’s are just straightbians…. or do you both look at bisexuality as a legitimate orientation separately?

          I’m a sucker for punishment btw, I’ve created a new Twitter account. I may come along and follow if you don’t mind, I just want to choose who I follow and what I tweet about sensibly this time. I may just keep it Lesbian only, not 100% sure at the moment. But I do know that I want it to be a better experience this time around πŸ™‚

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        • LOL, that’s funny that we blocked each other (I’m not sure “who you were” on Twitter). If I blocked first, I’m sorry. It’s funny, because when I first started Twitter and a good while afterwards, I was against blocking…I even wrote a couple posts about it, LOL! Then, the constant arguing just started increasingly wearing on me and I suddenly saw WHY people blocked…and have been blocking (probably TOO MUCH) ever since. It has reduced the stress, but I still have mixed feelings about blocking.

          Anyway, I appreciate it and am glad that you hung in there and kept reading our blogs…thanks for having an open mind! πŸ™‚

          Sure, I would love it if you would follow me on Twitter with your new account, IF you want to and decide to. I won’t know “who you are” though, so send me a private message or email to let me know so I can follow back. I get a lot of followers who I have no idea who they are; I try to follow back the ones who look legit/interesting, but I worry I will miss somebody.

          Re: the bisexual issue: I think people (as usual, huh?) have misunderstood me to think I am being mean or exclusionary, when I am honestly not meaning it that way.

          One of my friends is bisexual (she is Joannadeadwinter here on WP; we did that series together).

          I actually have no problem with women who say they are bisexual; I find them to be so much more honest than Straightbians who lie & say they are Lesbians when they are not.

          It’s rather difficult to explain my thoughts on it without sounding like I am being exclusionary when I don’t intend to be, but I have been around a good while now (and I have been out since I was 17) and I have never…and I do literally mean never….known, or even known of, a bisexual woman who ended up with a woman.

          They always, sooner or later, have ended up with men. That simple observation alone has led me to believe that they are actually straight but were curious or carried away (or whatever) when they had feelings for a woman. I don’t mean that dismissively at all, but why do bisexual women seem to ALWAYS (or at least, much of the time, because I know that there are lots out there that I have never heard of) end up with men?? The evidence simply points me in the direction of straightness.

          By saying the above, though, I am not saying that they are bad people, or that they are trying to bamboozle Lesbians, or that they should be discriminated against for jobs etc., or that I hate them, or anything of the sort.

          I am also NOT saying that the relationships they have with women aren’t real/meaningful…because I think they typically are meaningful, to both parties. (I mention that because one common accusation I get from bisexuals is: “You are saying my relationship isn’t REAL!” and that is NOT what I am saying at all).

          I also think the sex is also likely good too, and that the feelings are genuine when they are happening…but, to me, IMHO, all of that doesn’t mean that bisexuality as a true ORIENTATION exists; after all, the very word “orientation” implies that someone is oriented in a specific direction… which bisexuality clearly is not.

          Does that make sense? As I said, I struggle to explain what I am trying to say without it sounding bad in some way…

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  4. Hi Saye,

    Thank you for the reply. I can’t speak on behalf of bisexuals in regards to how they feel about their sexuality, because I just can’t relate to it.

    I do however, completely understand the trepidation that us Lesbians feel approaching possible relationships with bisexual women. The stereotype that bisexual women always end up with men exists for a reason, because more often than not, it’s true. Why that happens though I suppose may be complex? Not sure that I want to go down that rabbit hole though Hahah!! And yes, whilst it may portray me as exclusionary and judging bisexual women based upon those stereotypes, I know for certain that I would never date one. My heart is too fragile for that.

    Funnily enough, an ex-partner of mine has a history of pursuing ‘straight’ women, she convinces herself that they are really Lesbians, or Bisexual… and then sits there wondering why her heart and mind end up being dismantled by the process. It’s insanity. Those to me are the ‘Straightbians’… tried it, liked it, or didn’t & then returned to their natural state, heterosexual.

    It’s a complex issue huh?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I agree it’s a complex issue…and some people might not believe this, but I am more open to discussion about this and other stuff than it likely appears.

      Yes, I have thought about the possible reasons it seems that most (or at least many) bisexual women end up with men…the most obvious possibility is that is probably a HECK of a lot easier for them to be with a man (with friends, family, society). And Joannadeadwinter and I explored that and some other potential factors in our series. I don’t really know, but I do know that I also would not date a bisexual, and when they are being truthful, most Lesbians I personally know IRL would not either (they will say so in private, but not publicly).

      My ex-partner Lisa (who I remained friends with after we broke up until she was killed in a dreadful accident at age 48) was like your ex-partner. After we broke up, I watched as she pursued a litany of straight women, even staying with a couple of them for about 2 years, but never understanding, even up until her death, WHY she always ended up heartbroken and undone by them. It was very painful to watch over and over and over again, and (at least in part), watching Lisa get her heart broken repeatedly has informed my thoughts on Straightbians.

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      • I’m sorry to hear about your ex-partner.

        I remember having a conversation with my ex about an affair that she’d had with a married woman & listening to her trying to understand this woman’s sexuality. From the married woman’s history, it appeared that sex with men was easy for her, but emotionally she was absent. Whereas, all of the elements were present when she was involved with my ex, she experienced an wholeness that she’d never experienced with men, or in her marriage.

        Either way, it resulted in my ex being eaten alive by the experience. One would think that was a lesson learnt huh? But no, after our relationship ended, she pursued another straight woman. But then, my ex is a little addicted to drama to say the least πŸ˜‰

        Hence I am on a romance sabbatical lol

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        • Thanks! I wish she had lived long enough to meet Dirt.

          I have been thinking a lot about ALL of this stuff, and your comment about you ex’s experience with a married woman made me think of a point that I haven’t made clear in previous posts, which is: I think the straight woman genuinely feels close and intimate with the Lesbian she is having sex with, which would indeed be very confusing. I can see how they might think that “oh, this is REAL love like I have never had before!” — and in some ways, she would be correct. However, that doesn’t mean she is actually a Lesbian and can change her orientation, obviously (to us); but to the straight woman and to the overly hopeful dyke involved, it probably does seem like it could last forever.

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