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Time for a Pop Quiz!

Here’s a quick pop quiz to test basic reasoning skills.

Just answer “Yes” or “No” to each of the questions below:

1). Can a cat become a dog?

2). Can a pickle become a potato chip?

3). Can a horse become a cowboy?

4). Can chocolate become vanilla?

5). Can a tree become a rock?

6). Can a gay man or a lesbian become straight?

7). Can an Android become an iPhone?

8). Can a fork become a spoon?

9). Can a fish become a cow?

10). Can a heterosexual woman become a lesbian?

If you answered “No” to ALL of the questions on this quiz, congratulations! You are officially smarter than many people who have a Ph.D.!

If you answered “Yes” to ANY of the questions on this quiz, have fun living in La-La Land.

Here’s The Thing

To save myself, Dirt, and/or other real Lesbians from having the same argument with Straightbians, other straight “feminists“, and various other assorted dillweeds on Twitter or elsewhere over and over and OVER, I wanted to do a general post to address the most common nonsense we encounter.

So, without further ado, here are the definitive answers to the common malarkey we hear from Straightbians, purported “feminists” and other assorted asshats:

Accusation:

Dirt and/or I and/or other Lesbians are “really male” and/or “really transgender“.

Answer:

Hahahahaha(gaspsforbreath)hahahahahaha!

Seriously, folks: Are you really THAT stupid? (Hint: If you are dumb enough to tweet, retweet, like, and/or believe these lies: Sadly for you, you are officially more than a few fries short of a Happy Meal).

Both of our real identities have been revealed…long ago, and….drum roll, please….wait for it….wait for it….BOOM!:

We are BOTH Lesbians!

(Duh).

Here’s a helpful hint, Einstein:  Try doing even just a tiny bit of basic research and using just a small smidgen of critical thinking skills, if you have any, to avoid looking like a completely vacuous air-headed idiot by saying such foolish things in the future. (Or, alternatively: If the asinine shoe fits…go ahead and slip that stiletto right on, “sister”).

Furthermore, accusations that Lesbians are “really male” is a clear indicator that the accuser is a Straightbian. Why? Because it’s clear that she has no clue whatsoever how Lesbians communicate, look, act, or respond. So, keep talking, cupcake, because you’re just proving our points with every ludicrous thing  you say.

Accusation:

Dirt and I claim that Lesbians are not biologically female.

Answer:

Sighing loudly. Nope. Learn to read. Learn to comprehend what you read. Learn to think. That is, if you can. Otherwise, shut the heck up and leave the thinking to those who are smart enough to decipher what is ACTUALLY being said: That Lesbians are different than STRAIGHT females. Geez.

(Double duh).

Accusation:

Dirt and I hate straight women.

Answer:

Again, no. (Really, what is wrong with some people’s ability to read and to comprehend what they read??). We don’t hate straight women; we hate when Straightbians speak for and about Lesbians.

Accusation:

Dirt and I harass, bully, threaten, dox, stalk, and/or have gotten people fired from their jobs (and other assorted variations of these lies).

Answer:

Not just no, but OH HELL NO. No to all the above and to any/all other variations of this complete lie.

Calling a Straightbian a Straightbian is NOT harassment, bullying, etc.; rather, it is falsely called harassment, bullying, etc. because the truth hurts.

Bottom Line: If you find yourself so very threatened by someone else’s assessment of you that you stoop to spreading riDICKulous lies and/or creating DICKsgusting drama to prop up your own clearly-threatened weak ego, it’s a sure sign that YOU are not secure in your own (false) “identity” as a “Lesbian“.

Real Lesbians would simply respond directly. Real Lesbians are not threatened by being called a Straightbian. Why? Because real Lesbians know who we are and we don’t need anyone else’s approval.

So, if you find yourself OVERreacting to the point of making a total ass of yourself, it’s time to consider why what we are saying is so threatening to you. (Spoiler: You are looking more and more and MORE like a STRAIGHTBIAN with every hysterical OVERreaction).

Remember this same principle if you see someone else overreacting and outright lying in a similar manner: “Protesting too much” is an actual thing. And Straightbians doth protest way too much because they have built their entire lives (and, quite often, careers) on the LIE that they are “lesbians“.

Similarly, those who falsely claim that Dirt is “doxxing” anyone are also wrong. Posting what is already posted publicly on the internet is NOT “doxxing”. Dirt is NOT publishing real names, addresses, workplaces, phone numbers, and/or any other personal/private information, nor would she.

Again: Learn to THINK, people. Do some basic research of your own to come to a fully-informed conclusion before blindly believing lies; my blog and Twitter account are both public, and so are Dirt’s.

Helpful Hint: Whenever anyone is just throwing out triggering accusations — without any actual examples, data, or proof to back up the allegations — it is time to strongly consider the obvious reason for the lack of details. The reason is: IT NEVER HAPPENED. Someone is actively lying to you and manipulating you. Wake up and smell the BS, people.

Accusation:

Dirt and I block people “because they asked a question or disagreed”.

Answer:

No. People ask questions and disagree with us ALL THE TIME, yet we don’t block them all. Why? People who are polite and respectful and willing to engage in discussion (even civil disagreement) do NOT get blocked. Well, who gets blocked then? Rude/disrespectful people; lesbophobes; pornified accounts; people who just want to argue incessantly and clearly have no intention of having a discussion; trolls; bots; liars and those who continue to follow/support outright liars; and all other toxic people.

Accusation:

Dirt and I call everyone who disagrees with us a Straightbian.

Answer:

Yet again: NO. So: Who do we call a Straightbian? Hmmmm….let’s all THINK about it now…yes, even those who are bringing up the rear, brain-power-wise…oh, yeah…that’s right: STRAIGHTBIANS, that’s who! (Triple Duh). If we have called you a Straightbian, it’s simply because you exhibit many of the signs of being a Straightbian. If anyone in these posts here and here sound like you…oh yeah, cupcake, guess what? YOU ARE A STRAIGHTBIAN.

Accusation:

Dirt, I, and/or other Lesbians are “ugly”, “homely”, “mannish”, and/or any other insults to our physical appearance.

Answer:

Sometimes, mean-spirited and apparently unimaginative individuals will stoop to insulting our physical appearance. When this happens, such insults always say much more about the insulter than they do about the person/people being insulted.

If you choose to act in such an immature, unattractive, and toxic fashion, just know that your true nasty colors show through more clearly with each and every insult you hurl.

People will eventually see you for what you really are: a petty, mean, vile, repugnant, ignorant asshat.

And Karma always sees you too.

Furthermore, insulting someone’s appearance is a sure sign that you do NOT have a coherent argument to offer regarding the actual topic of discussion.

And: For those who are falsely calling themselves “feminist” and/or “gender-critical“, faking copious concern about the transitioning of Lesbians, while clicking the “retweet” or “like” button on any tweet directly insulting the physical appearance of Lesbians: We see you as the hypocritical, fraudulent liars that you are. YOU are the problem.

Dirt and I don’t give a darn whether or not you like what we look like. Dirt and I are happy with ourselves and with each other. If you don’t like the way we (and/or other Lesbians) look, don’t look at us. Problem solved!

Here’s the thing: Reading what we write is completely optional. If you don’t like us, the way we look, who we are, and/or what we write, just go away. Far away. Now. Don’t let the door hit your sorry butt on the way out.

We trust that the REAL Lesbians who need to hear what we are saying will find us and will understand what we are saying…which, by the way, is exactly what Straightbians are afraid of.

Straightbians WANT us to shut up, because we are giving away their dirty little secrets.

But we are NOT writing for Straightbians AND we will never shut up.

Real Lesbians deserve the truth. And our message is for LESBIANS only.

Black Mirror’s San Junipero: A Happily-Ever-After Lesbian Love Story…???

!!SPOILER ALERT!!

The 4th episode of the 3rd series of Black Mirror, “San Junipero” (and if you’re unfamiliar with Black Mirror, think Twilight Zone meets the technological age) has been much-ballyhooed as a triumph over the tired, homophobic “Bury Your Gays” trope.

And, in many ways, it indeed seems to be a happy ending. After all, the 2 lead female characters (Warning: Second, and final, spoiler alert!!) ~ after back-and-forth drama ~ do end up in virtual-reality eternity together, complete with a happy end-scene montage to the tune of Belinda Carlisle’s “Heaven is a Place on Earth”.

But…

There seems to always be a “but” when it comes to how Lesbian love is portrayed, and this particular portrayal has a big “but”:

Only one character (Yorkie) is a Lesbian; therefore, the relationship could never be mutual, happy, or true love. (And: Yorkie is a Lesbian whose family would not accept her, leading to tragedy…an all-to-familiar outcome for many Lesbians).

The other character, Kelly, is a bored straight woman who was married for 49 years to a man. Early in the episode, Kelly vaguely alludes to some never-acted-upon same-sex attractions over the years of her heterosexual marriage:

“They were crushes…Never acted on any of it. Never did anything. I really was in love with him.

This fleeting reference to Kelly’s unrequited same-sex flirtations led some viewers to call her “queer” or “bisexual”…but the truth is, it is clear that Kelly is oriented toward males. She married and stayed with a man for decades; plus, only a week before she meets Yorkie in San Junipero, Kelly was f**king a random man for “fun”.

The creator/writer, Charlie Brooker, explains in a spoiler interview (in reference to the same-sex relationship which is central to this story):

“in terms of the writing of it, I tried not to think of that. It’s just two souls.”

The actress who played Kelly, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, chimes in with:

“And that’s sort of the beautiful thing about the characters—in relation to their sexuality—is it’s really not about that, it’s not an issue, it’s not a problem. Obviously they all have their own relationships, how they’ve come to be in San Junipero and their own histories, but I think it’s about human beings and love and souls. And it’s not about it being a problem. That wasn’t the focus of the story and I think that’s actually really refreshing.”

Of course, all of that sounds very accepting and liberal and oh-so-very-nice, doesn’t it?

But here’s the thing: That sort of “sexuality-is-fluid, it’s not about same-sex love, we’re all just people, it’s just two souls” rhetoric is completely dismissive and erasing of real Lesbians. Note that they cannot even say the word “Lesbian”; instead they both refer to us and our love as “that!

For Lesbians, our love is not just about “two sexless souls”; our orientation is not “fluid”; and furthermore, we deserve to BE the actual focus of a story.

But it’s not just the hetsplaining and (seemingly) benign ignorance of the creator/writer and the actress that  I had a problem with in this episode.

My MAIN problem is, as usual, the Lesbian was just expected to accept, even embrace, shoddy treatment from a Straightbian, as if we are somehow LUCKY to be graced by their presence.

I am referring to the scene that decisively showed Kelly’s true colors and her arrogant straight privilege: the scene in which she abusively slapped Yorkie in the face, then condescendingly lectured her:

You can’t begin to imagine. You can’t know the bond, the commitment, the boredom, the yearning, the laughter, the love of it. The fucking love.
You just cannot know! Everything we sacrificed.
The years I gave him. The years he gave me.
Did you think to ask? Did it occur to you to ask? We had a daughter. Alison.
Always difficult, always beautiful. Died at 39 years old, bless her heart.
And Richard and I, we felt that heartbreak as one.
You think you’re the only person ever suffered, go fuck yourself…I pitied you, and that’s the truth.I pitied you. Now you give me some sales pitch about how fucking peachy forever could be… You wanna spend forever somewhere nothing matters? End up like Wes? All those lost fucks at the Quagmire trying anything to feel something, go ahead. But I’m out. I’m gone.

(Gagging loudly).

Kelly obviously didn’t remember (or care) that she was the one who refused to talk about serious topics, opting on insisting on a “good time”, instead of forming a real connection. Kelly obviously thinks that Lesbian Yorkie couldn’t possibly fathom the “depth” of her heterosexual marriage. She admits she married Yorkie out of PITY…not love…or even friendship. Furthermore, Kelly is quick to dismiss and disparage the people in the Quagmire (a new-wave, punk-rock sort of “anything-goes” club) as “lost fucks” even though she herself visited there for recreational f**king! Hypocritical much, Kelly?

Many viewers discussed in reviews and in online discussions about how “touching” the above scene was, because they perceived it to show “depth” to Kelly’s character.

Um…no.

What this specific scene showed was NOT true “depth”…at all. Instead, what it showed was Kelly’s complete disrespect and disdain for someone who had been nothing but kind and loving toward her. It showed the writer’s casual and callous dismissal of Lesbian feelings in favor of the alleged fabled “bond” of a heterosexual union. It showed the underlying nastiness lurking below Kelly’s seemingly fun and free-spirited facade. It showed outright physical and emotional abuse. It showed Kelly’s true heterosexual orientation and straight privilege. It showed an utter lack of understanding of, and a complete lack of respect for, not only the Lesbian lover who Kelly purported to care about, but also for Lesbians in general. And there is absolutely zero acknowledgement of, or empathy for, the tragic and HOMOPHOBIC circumstances that ruined Yorkie’s life.

Instead of discussing the very real dilemma Kelly was facing in a way that would have shown respect for the woman she allegedly cared about, Kelly’s character was shown to lash out physically and verbally in a very mean-spirited, immature, unattractive, narcissistic, selfish, straight-privileged, and egocentric manner.

And instead of handing Kelly her ass on a platter as she should have done, the Lesbian character, Yorkie, ends up apologizing, as if she had anything whatsoever to apologize for.

Furthermore, despite Kelly offering no apology to Yorkie (nor did any scenes afterward indicate any real soul-searching on the part of Kelly), the audience is magically supposed to believe that Kelly suddenly decides to show up in San Junipero for a happily-ever-after eternity with Yorkie and we are supposed buy into the concept that Yorkie should be happy to get Kelly back.

The sad truth is that Kelly would be f**king a man within a month, and Yorkie would get her Lesbian heart broken.

This is NOT the happy ending Lesbians deserve. Instead, San Junipero turns out to be just another slap in the face. 

brokenhearts

#PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Why The Truth Matters To Lesbians

The most frequent comments/questions my sweetie Dirt and I have received since we began our quest to expose some of the fake “lesbian experts” who are neither Lesbian nor expert and to call attention to the myriad of ways Straightbians wreak havoc upon Lesbian lives are some variation/combination of the following:

“Why do you care?  Why does it matter? Why can’t you just live and let live? Why are you being mean? Who are you to say who is really a Lesbian? Etc.”

This post will attempt to answer these questions (as well as endless variations of the same theme) by explaining why the truth matters to Lesbian lives…and yes, even to those Lesbians who are asking these questions.

At least on the surface, it initially seemed that it would be obvious why the truth matters to Lesbians (or, at least, why it should matter).

Intuitively, it would seem that everyone would want to know the truth about themselves and their partners, as well as about the so-called “lesbian experts” that have taken it upon themselves to define “Lesbian“.

After all, who would consciously say to a potential love interest: “Please lie to me, because I don’t care who you really are and I don’t care that I am going to get hurt!”?  Who would intentionally pay hard-earned cash to buy a book or to attend a lecture by someone who is an active charlatan peddling false facts?  Who would deliberately follow an alleged “Lesbian expert” on social media if it were known that their “hero” is not really a Lesbian (or an expert)?

What we have learned (and are still figuring out) from the backlash is that there is much more going on underneath the surface than was/is immediately apparent to us.

There is so much resistance to hearing the truth that all women cannot just magically become Lesbians and so much resistance to hearing the truth that the much published and publicized alleged “Lesbian experts” are neither Lesbian nor expert that we need to pause to consider the underlying reasons for this brouhaha.

The primary, and most obvious, issue with facing these truths is denial. It might be that a Lesbian has already fallen in love with a Straightbian, perhaps even invested years of her life with said Straightbian. To admit that it all has been a lie is too painful, so it is much easier to knee-jerk into defensiveness and to lash out at Dirt and me.

From the Straightbian‘s perspective, there are also many reasons to either stay in denial herself (if she is trying to convince herself that she “really is” a Lesbian)…or, if she is self-aware enough to realize on some level that she is a Straightbian, to deflect the attention in order to maintain the ruse. For example, perhaps she has been sexually, emotionally, and/or physically abused by male(s) and is therefore resistant to being with a man, and being a faux “Lesbian” is her safety net, rather than dealing with the real issues.  Perhaps she is getting positive reinforcement for being a fake “Lesbian“: money, attention, security, adoration from a lesbian partner, fame, followers, book readers, lecture attendees, interviews, etc.  Perhaps she is having fun “exploring her sexuality” and feeling like she is “edgy” or a bad-ass rebel. Perhaps she wishes to dominate her relationships and finds it easier to dominate Lesbians than men. Whatever the case (and the situation will vary depending on the reasons she is a Straightbian), there is enough gain for her to continue her behavior — and she doesn’t want us pointing her out as a trespasser, a fraud, and a Nightmare on Lesbo Lane.

One thing that both of us initially underestimated was the sheer amount of Straightbians who have invaded Lesbian lives, both in our everyday social circles and in our collective consciousness. We will write more on this topic later, but, for now, I just want to say that I used to wonder why someone would say she is a Lesbian when she is not.

After all, it is not always easy being a Lesbian. We face many hurdles that straight people do not: potential discrimination in jobs or housing; possible rejection from family, friends, and society; legal struggles;  even the possibility of violence; just to name a few. Lesbian don’t have the straight privilege that heterosexuals blithely enjoy.

So, Dirt and I have both frequently wondered in the past why a woman who is straight would choose to say she is a Lesbian.

Well, the potential reasons vary, as mentioned above and in this post, but a major point I want to make today is that it does, in fact, happen ALL THE TIME ~ for various reasons.

And: most importantly, I want to make the point that because, as Lesbians, we do intimately know the potential problems inherent in coming out and therefore we cannot imagine why someone would falsely claim to be a Lesbian, we, as a group, have had a tendency to automatically believe any woman’s claims of being a “Lesbian“.

Lesbians’ own good-hearted, but ultimately naive, suspension of disbelief has had the chilling effect of leaving our metaphorical windows open for intruders to easily enter and to rape, rob, and rapine whatever they want from right under our trusting noses, including the very definition of our existence.

This harsh truth is difficult to face, but it is necessary for us as a community to start facing the truth in order to reclaim our existence and begin to finally define true Lesbian existence for ourselves.

As long as Lesbians believe, promote, and/or support the false myth that any woman can become a Lesbian, we will be at least partially responsible for the devastation wrought upon our own Lesbian community.

The truth matters, because Lesbian lives matter. The truth matters to Dirt and me, and we have the right to speak out about it, because we are LESBIANS and because we care about other Lesbians. We can say who other Lesbians are because of a little thing called gaydar (and common sense once you know what to look for). And: we won’t shut up as long as Lesbian lives are being harmed and until only true LESBIANS define Lesbian.

Lesbian Truth

Since Dirt and I first started writing about the havoc that has been wreaked upon the lesbian community by Straightbians of all varieties and speaking out about the multitude of alleged “lesbian experts” who are neither lesbian nor expert, the resistance (and sometimes outright hostility) to what we are saying has been appalling.

We have both been unfollowed/blocked by numerous lesbians/feminists (or, I should say: allegedlesbians“/”feminists“) on Twitter, which has prompted me to rethink my own previous position about blocking. We have both received numerous nasty comments and emails (most of which were deleted promptly). We have been subtweeted about relentlessly, because, apparently, some people want to gripe about us, but don’t have the nerve, or the courtesy, to address us directly.

We expected some disagreement, of course. After all, everyone has been spoon-fed lies about lesbianism for decades, and suddenly Dirt and I come along and call it out for what it is: complete and utter horse manure. So we naturally expected some disgruntlement, perhaps even some anger, but the histrionic reaction we have received is as over-the-top emotional that it is as if we told a bunch of preschoolers that Santa had been killed in a tragic mishap at the toy factory.

Why?  I have been thinking about it a lot, and I think there are multiple reasons for this backlash. In fact, there are likely even more reasons I have not even thought of yet. But after much consideration, I think that there are 3 primary reasons that we have received so much hatred and anger:

1). People are highly invested in the erroneous myth that “any woman can become a lesbian”.

For straight women, this myth is a back-up plan if things go wrong with men.  The myth is a way to feel special by asserting their straight privilege upon lesbians. This myth is an all-purpose fantasy of a sort of all-female Amazonian utopia, (purportedly) free from the damaging effects of patriarchy.

Re: Lesbians, this myth allows lesbians to falsely believe that the Straightbian we have fallen in love with (or the one we have a crush on) could truly fall in love with us. It increases our dating pool. The myth allows lesbians to feel inclusive, welcoming, and supportive of our straight sisters. Lesbians get approval and attention from straight women for buying into this myth; by perpetuating the falsehood that we all can live in an all-inclusive “lesbian“-lala-land.  Lesbians therefore often choose to ignore the obvious fact that sexual orientation is fixed in order to bolster straight women’s egos and fantasies.

Straight men love the thought of sexuality being “fluid”, because…HELLO!  Hopes of a threesome!  And although I don’t give a flying f**k about what straight men think, I mention this factor to illustrate one of the many reasons that this myth is so harmful to lesbians…because it implies that orientation is simply a choice. To incorrectly imply straight women can magically become lesbians also implies that being a lesbian is a choice, when the truth is that orientation is not changeable. Period.

2). Plenty of Straightbians have become famous and made fortunes/names for themselves by appropriating “lesbian” with their straight-privileged nonsense. Many others, who have perhaps not become as famous/rich as those profiled in our Unstraightening Lesbian series, have nevertheless carved out “lesbian” niches for themselves, particularly on the internet, and they don’t want us spoiling their fun-and-games with simple facts.

3).  Finally, and related to the points above, I think a major reason that the myth that “any woman can be a lesbian” has flourished is simple: straight privilege and lesbians not being privileged enough to see it happening nor to stop it from happening.

Real lesbians everywhere have been too busy living our own lives to see ~ or understand ~ the travesties perpetuated by Straightbians unfolding around us: we were too busy coming out, dealing with the fallout of coming out, working, going to school, falling in love, breaking up, having potluck dinners, going to the movies, marching in dyke marches, playing Scrabble, buying houses, selling houses, living, dying.

Sure, lesbians saw our friends, and sometimes even ourselves, getting hurt by Straightbians on an individual level, but we didn’t fully understand that  lesbians as a whole were systematically being bulldozed by harmful myths and “queer” (ugh!!) theory while we were busy barbecuing on the back porch on sultry summer nights.

When Straightbians, with their straight privilege, barged into our lesbian movie nights, we didn’t feel comfortable telling them that almost every movie ever made has been for straight people and that they needed to get their own damn movie night.

When Straightbians took over our women’s groups and tried to tell us what “Lesbian” means, we felt we had to be polite and listen to our feminist sisters.

While Straightbians of differing camps engaged in inappropriately-named “lesbian sex wars”, fighting over what lesbians “should”, or “shouldn’t”, do in bed, real lesbians were too busy actually having sex.

In other words, while non-lesbians have been hard at work defining us, lesbians have been busy…well, being lesbians.

As I have said many times before, the definition of lesbian is actually very simple: Lesbians are female homosexuals. Be very wary of anybody who tries to make Lesbian theoretical or otherwise complicated. Lesbians don’t need a handbook. Lesbians don’t need academics with their complicated and long-winded jargon defining us. Lesbian don’t need Straightbians, or anybody else, telling us how to have sex nor how to live our lives.

What lesbians need is to stand up against all the horseshit about us that has been spread all around like fertilizer, which has allowed Straightbians to flourish. Lesbians need to start calling non-lesbians out for speaking for and about us. Lesbians need to speak out for and about ourselves.  Lesbians need to keep asserting, and demonstrating, that lesbian is normal.

In short, after decades of lies about us, lesbians need truth. Bottom line: if you’re not completely with us in that quest, you’re against us.

Always A Lesbian

 

Twitter is a constant source of inspiration (or rather, consternation) regarding topics for posts.

Today’s post came about due to a battle that my wife, Dirt, had last night with a purported “Lesbian“. This purported “Lesbianclaimed that nobody “becomes a Lesbian” until we have had sex with a female.

So, to give an example of this thinking (which closely corresponds to this person’s own example):

To illustrate this person’s idea, let’s say that a Lesbian has sex for the very first time on her 25th birthday. So, in this person’s mind, in this example, this hypothetical Lesbian was NOT a Lesbian from birth up though the age of 24 years, 11 months, and 28-31 days, depending on her month of birth. Then poof! On her 25th birthday, our hypothetical example does the naughty deed and wow!, our example suddenly “becomes a Lesbian” at that oh-so-magical moment.

Bullcrapola.

When confronted by Dirt on the obvious flaws in this thinking, and when even given examples that refute this bizarre idea, this individual, like so many people on Twitter, got upset, spouted a ton of nonsense about “compulsory heterosexuality” and said the assumption is always that everybody is straight, and finally refused to discuss it anymore.

So I will break it down here in case there is any confusion lurking about.

Lesbians do not “magically become a Lesbian” at the precise moment we have sex.  We were Lesbians all along.

In fact, we don’t need to even have sex to be a Lesbian; we could choose celibacy if we wanted to, and yet we would still be Lesbians.

The same principle is true with gay men; actually, it’s the same principle with EVERYBODY.

Let’s look at a similar example with a straight woman. Let’s say our hypothetical straight woman has decided to “save herself for marriage” (as the saying goes), deciding to be celibate until her wedding night. Our fictitious straight woman meets the man of her dreams and they become engaged, and sure enough, they do wait until their wedding night to consummate their relationship.

Was our example NOT STRAIGHT until her wedding night?  Did she have to have sex to “become straight”?

Of course not.  She was heterosexual all along.

As another hypothetical example, let’s say a young Lesbian had not yet had sex, but she plans to seduce a special lady this coming weekend. Tragically, she gets hit in the head by a softball on Thursday evening, and sadly dies immediately. Since she died before ever having sex, does that make her any less of a Lesbian?

Of course not.  She was a Lesbian all along.

What about a Lesbian who never, for whatever reason, dates?  Maybe she is too shy to get out into the dating world, maybe she is a workaholic and doesn’t take the time to meet a partner, but for whatever reason, this woman never has sex before she dies. Guess what?  She is still a Lesbian.

One more hypothetical example to illustrate this point, and I will be done.

In our next example, let’s say a young straight male teenager (who has not yet had sex) is marooned on an island because he is the sole survivor in a horrific maritime accident. He is stuck on this island, alone forever until he eventually croaks. Since he never had sex before becoming hopelessly isolated on the island by himself, does that make him any less straight?

Answer: of course not. He was straight until the day he died. He was just likely very frustrated.

Being a Lesbian isn’t about having sex. Our identities don’t spring up out of thin air on the day we first make love. I was a lesbian when I was a virgin, and I would still be a Lesbian if I had still to this day never had sex at all.

Always A Lesbian.

This is basic common sense, folks.

Truth & “Later-In-Life” Lesbians

All of us probably know, or at least likely know of, a Lesbian who initially married (or partnered with) a male, had children (or not), and later (sometimes even much later), finally came out of the closet.  I have known a few of these individuals myself, and I have heard many other such Lesbian-coming-out stories over the years.

Some of the objections to recent posts regarding the question of “Can any female become a Lesbian?” have used this scenario to suggest that it is possible.

Many people also apparently mistook our posts to exclude “later-in-life” Lesbians in these scenarios from the category of Lesbian, when that is not the case at all.

Although we previously addressed the topic of “behavior versus orientation” a few times in various posts, we neglected to do a entire post focusing on this specific subject.  I belatedly realized that we needed to clarify this aspect of the topic a bit more, because it seems to be a major point of confusion.

So I will attempt to answer this question in this post by using an explanation based on a compilation of all the stories I have heard over the years of various lesbians who came out later-in-life.

So: what is the difference between a “later-in-life” Lesbian in the scenario mentioned above, versus a Straightbian? (A Straightbian is a straight woman who falsely claims to be a Lesbian).

The difference is actually quite simple, but the explanation is more complicated.

The key factor is the difference between behavior versus orientation.

In the scenario mentioned above, the woman in question is indeed a Lesbian, and she always was.

This Lesbian grew up internalizing all the messages that everyone gets from family, friends, school, church, community, and society in general that being straight is the only “acceptable” route.

She is likely, although not necessarily, an over-achiever, an extrovert, and/or from a religious/conservative family, and she likely received a lot of reinforcement while growing up for meeting other people’s expectations.

She likely felt “different” while growing up, but maybe could not pinpoint why.  She probably had close friendships and attachments with other girls.

She likely married young, perhaps to her high school or college boyfriend; and she married him not because she was passionately, head-over-heels in love/lust with him, but because he felt safe, her family approved of him, and because marriage was the expected next step in life.

She may or may not have children, but regardless, she really tries to be straight. She tries to be everything that society expects, she tries to be a “good wife”, and she tries very hard to be happy with the life she has chosen.

She ignores feelings of emptiness, boredom, and ennui and sublimates her energy into work, family, volunteering, crafts, church, home projects, etc.

She may stay in this holding pattern for a relatively short time, or she may stay there for a very long time.

She may have some conscious awareness of her innate orientation, or she may be so practiced in shoving her own feelings down so deep that even she has difficulty excavating them.

Then, at some point, for some reason (and the reasons will vary), she wakes up and she just cannot do it anymore.

She cannot continue to pretend to be something she is not.

She realizes (or has always known on some level, but is just now admitting it for the first time) that her true orientation is Lesbian.

She starts the process of making the changes needed to move toward an authentic Lesbian life.

And even though it is the right path for her, the journey will almost certainly not be easy.  Often the process will be fraught with pain and difficulty. Many people that she cares about will likely feel hurt, confused, or betrayed. She will likely lose people she thought she could always count on.

There will likely be much resistance, anger, heartbreak, and angst along the way, but her need to live an authentic Lesbian is a more powerful force than the backlash she encounters.

So, yes, the woman in this scenario is indeed a Lesbian, despite whether she was married to a man for a couple of months or for 30+ years (or anywhere in between).

There will obviously be variations between Lesbians’ individual unique stories, because of each Lesbian’s unique circumstances, temperament, background, and situation.

But the general story is universal in such scenarios: genuinely trying to “do the right thing” (that is, what is deemed “right” by society’s standards) by initially attempting to live a heterosexual life before eventually deciding to be true to herself and coming out as a Lesbian.

Also, the coming-out process itself will be different for each Lesbian, and will be based on individual circumstances and personality characteristics. Many Lesbians come out right away and relatively easily, while others may take months or even years to complete the coming-out process. Some may need therapy to help them sort out a variety of issues like guilt about not meeting expectations, dealing with internalized homophobia, learning self-acceptance, etc.

Again, the key factor to always consider is the difference between behavior and orientation.

In this scenario discussed above, the woman’s behavior (initially) appears to suggest that she is straight (after all, she married a man!).  But: this woman’s true_orientation is really Lesbian. This Lesbian found intimacy, closeness, love, and “rightness” with a female that they never even remotely felt with a male, and she moved toward her true Lesbian orientation when she was ready to come to terms with it. She did not marry a man for true love, attraction, or lust, but rather for such reasons as familial demands, societal expectations, security, a desire for approval, convenience, religious convictions, companionship, etc.

In contrast, a Straightbian is someone who is actually heterosexual but she has chosen to partner with females due to a variety of potential reasons, including, but not limited to: political reasons, being sick of dating men, curiosity, thinking “the grass is greener on the other side”, trauma, mistaking friendship for love, rebelliousness, etc.  The Straightbian’s behavior appears to suggest that she is a lesbian (after all, she is dating a woman!).  But:  The Straightbian’s true_orientation is straight, regardless of her behavior.

I hope this post helped to explain the difference between Lesbians who come out later in life, after experience with men, versus Straightbians.  I realize that it is a complicated topic because no two stories are exactly alike, but the underlying answer is actually quite simple: it’s not what you do, it is who you are.