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Revisiting The Topic Of Stone Butch

Some time after I wrote Stone Butch, From A Femme Perspective, I received a disgruntled comment that did not get published, because, quite frankly, I was annoyed with the wannabe commenter‘s attitude, plus I didn’t have time at that moment to address her points, but I want to revisit it now.

Here is the annoying comment:

Hi, stone butch here. To be honest your piece made me a little frustrated but I’ll try to be civil in my comment.

My being stone means that during sex, I prefer to give more than I prefer to receive. I receive sometimes but even though I register it as being physically pleasurable, I still prefer giving, and it makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to do with a freakout about me being ‘butch enough’ or anything of the sort – I just enjoy the feeling I get when I’m giving more than the feeling I get when I’m receiving. The whole part about ‘pulling out phrases from the stone butch book’ is condescending and paternalistic. Before I read this article I had no idea that people even said things like that, but I knew that I’d said and thought similar things before of my own accord. How am I being brainwashed when I’d never known anything of stone culture before?

I have always felt this vague sense of emptiness and discomfort when receiving during sex, and it wasn’t until very very recently that I discovered what it was like to be stone, and that the experiences of stone butches very closely matched my own. Assuming that we’re just adopting this label because of external pressure or ‘brainwashing’ is just… wrong.

I’m also uncomfortable with your insisting that femmes should slowly try to work at their butches until they give in to being touched sexually, and that femmes with stone butches will inevitably feel unloved and lonely. As a stone butch I’ve allowed partners to touch me but I’ve never really enjoyed it the way I know I should (not because they weren’t good in bed – they certainly knew what they were doing). To me it just feels like eating something that tastes good or taking a nice nap. I don’t get turned on by the idea of someone touching me sexually. My immediate reaction is discomfort, and it always has been ever since I started having sex (which was when I was like 14, so this isn’t a recent thing).

If femmes are not sexually satisfied by stone butches, then they should find butches who aren’t stone to be with. This is not a dysfunction or fault of the stone butch, it’s just an incompatibility. Believe me, if I could just will myself into not being stone I would have a long time ago, because I realize this makes me undesirable to many femmes and may cause issues in the future. It also makes me enjoy sex less than other butches. But it’s really not a fixable thing for all stone butches.

It also just feels coercive to me. Similar to the rhetoric about how lesbians are just brainwashed and they just need a real man to slowly work at them until they give in and stop being lesbians. If someone doesn’t want to do something sexually, you shouldn’t force it. Period. You shouldn’t use self-pity and ‘boo hoo me I feel lonely and unloved’ to pressure them into giving in to what you want either. If a partner used that on me I’d probably feel like I had no choice but to give in and let them touch me sexually but it’d be completely opposite of what I really wanted. I’d like it, physically, but I’d still feel that sense of discomfort and wrongness. Same thing as a man pressuring a lesbian to sleep with him in my eyes.

That all being said, I think people have different reasons for being stone, so if someone is stone due to past sexual trauma or abuse then they can absolutely become un-stone with therapy and love and trust. Some stone butches may be mildly stone. But many stone people, like me, have had perfectly healthy sex lives and are still stone. I’m assuming your reaction to this will be pity, like ‘oh look another poor brainwashed butch who doesn’t realize that they aren’t stone but actually just have sexual dysfunction,’ but it’s really not necessary. Assuming that you, a femme with no real understanding of what it’s like to be stone, know more about being stone than actual stone people do, is honestly pretty offensive.

That’s my two cents. Kyuo

Here is my belated response:

First of all, and most importantly:

NOTHING…and I repeat, NOTHING…in that post (nor ANYWHERE else on this blog, for that matter) even remotely suggested that anyone should sexually coerce anyone else…FOR ANY REASON, EVER!

But, since that point was apparently unclear to our wannabe commenter, allow me to spell it out more clearly, for the record:

If, at any point, anyone ever says “no”, seems hesitant, seems uncomfortable, and/or otherwise indicates through ANY verbal or nonverbal means that she is uncomfortable with any part of sexual activity…STOP!

To our wannabe commenter: It seems like you really need to go back and actually read the post, because if SEXUAL COERCION is what you came away with, you obviously missed the proverbial boat.

Furthermore, nothing in my post implied that I or any other Femmes are, or ever should be, self-pitying, whiny, or otherwise manipulative in any way. If our wannabe commenter thinks that is how Femmes behave, she clearly is thinking of Straightbians who are pretending to be “femme“.

And the fact that our wannabe commenter could read my post and even remotely THINK that it meant that I was implying that Femmes should “use self-pity and boo hoo me I feel lonely and unloved to pressure” Butches into sex shows a complete and utter lack of reading comprehension and cognitive reasoning skills.

This wannabe commenter is clearly knee-jerking and projecting, rather than reading and actually comprehending.

Moving on: A one-sided sexual relationship will always be just that and only that: ONE-SIDED.

I won’t go into great detail on that point, since I already addressed that in the original post, but bottom line:

If your partner is perfectly, 100% satisfied with being a pillow-princess long-term, YOU ARE DEALING WITH A STRAIGHTBIAN

Furthermore, yes, I agree that a Lesbian always has the right to leave her partner if she is unsatisfied with the relationship for any reason, but our wannabe commenter’s assertion that “If femmes are not sexually satisfied by stone butches, then they should find butches who aren’t stone to be with” is just an overly simplistic cop-out which doesn’t address the true root of the issue, which is:

YES, STONE BUTCH IS A SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION. Being Stone Butch is not simply a “preference”.  A Stone Butch becomes acutely dysphoric at the very thought of having a reciprocal sexual relationship with a loving partner.

The fact that our wannabe commenter incorrectly purports that some people might “become Stone Butch” due to sexual trauma/abuse shows that she doesn’t even understand what Stone Butch really is.

Granted, yes, sexual abuse and trauma can indeed create many issues, including an aversion to sexual contact. But NOBODY “becomes a Stone Butch” due to sexual abuse and trauma. Aversion to sex due to sexual abuse/trauma is a completely different issue, and for a completely different reason, than being Stone Butch. Theoretically, the 2 issues could indeed coexist and interact to create an even bigger issue, but they are NOT the same thing. At all.

Being Stone Butch is created by dysphoria. And shame. Not trauma. Not shyness. Not abuse. Not simply “having a preference”. Etc.

And people aren’t “mildly Stone” ~ Stone means STONE; you either are, or you are not. Of course, general sexual dysfunction does exist on a continuum, but that is not the same thing.

My final point before I let this topic go for now and let our wannabe commenter get back to stewing in her own juices:

To be a Stone Butch, you actually have to be a BUTCH. There are a plethora of screwed-up Straightbian alleged “butches” out there who claim to be “stone” as a mask for their own trauma/abuse/issues.

Based on the whiny, snarky, put-upon, petulant tone of our wannabe commenter, I strongly suspect that she is NOT a real Butch, nor even a Lesbian at all, but, rather, a Straightbian who is play-actinglesbian“/”butch“.

A real Butch wouldn’t “give in” to anything, including sex, if she didn’t want to.

A real Butch would know what it actually means to be Stone Butch.

A real Butch would know that a real Femme does, in fact, have a comprehension of what Stone Butch means. (We may not experience it ourselves personally, but we do recognize it and we also have every right to speak about it. Furthermore, all Lesbians have a certain amount of dysphoria anyway).

A real Butch wouldn’t (deliberately) “misinterpret” my post to assume I was suggesting coercion or manipulation.

A real Butch wouldn’t passive-aggressively throw around pseudo-“feminist” terms like “paternalistic” to express herself, nor would it even occur to a real Butch that what a Lesbian wrote could possibly be “paternalistic”. I guess our wannabe commenter thinks I wrote “in the manner of a father”. Well, I don’t know about your Dad, but my Dad never wrote about Lesbian sex, LOL. Seriously, though, the fact that our wannabe commenter took so much offense at my words that she had to use the tired old Straight/bian trope of comparing us to MEN essentially proves her heterosexuality. A real Butch would not assume another Lesbian was communicating, in any way, “like a man.”

Finally, a real Butch would communicate directly and assertively…in other words, like the actual LESBIAN she is.

In summary, Straightbians, take your hetsplanations elsewhere.

What Straightbians Think “Butch” Means And How They Are Wrong

A very smart friend, Genuine Femme, recently commented on Twitter:

Butch to Straightbians is a term with no meaning beyond fashion choice. And they even get that wrong too!

This quote completely sums up a huge problem with the ongoing bastardization of the meaning of Butch and explains a great deal of the confusion and conflict that Dirt, I, Genuine Femme, and other (REAL) Lesbians experience in trying to reclaim the actual meanings of words from the lying, twisted, claw-like talons of Straightbians.

Here is what Straightbians incorrectly think Butch is:

ANY female (who may be a Lesbian, but quite often is another Straightbian) who does any/all of the following:

  • Cuts her hair short or shaves her head or has a mohawk or has dreadlocks, etc.;
  • Has a copious amount of tattoos and/or piercings and/or body modifications and/or rainbow-colored hair;
  • Wears so-called “men’s” clothes (or even so-called “women’s” clothes that are stereotypically perceived to be “non-feminine”), including, but not limited to, any or all of the following: suits, ties, bow ties, ball caps, trousers, suspenders, Doc Martens, jeans, boxers, vests, cargo pants, leather, etc.;
  • Simply (but incorrectly) calls herself “Butch”;
  • Calls herself “gender nonconforming”, “gender defiant”, “gender deviant”, “gender diverse”, “genderqueer”, “non-binary”, or any other such offensive terms;
  • Incorrectly playacts “Butch” using her own uninformed preconceived notions of “Butch” via her version “acting like a man” (because “male-wannabe” is what she stupidly THINKS “Butch” is!), including, but not limited to, any or all of the following: being hypersexual, typically in a “top”/”Daddy” (ewww!!) sort of way; being domineering or overbearing; swaggering embarrassingly around like Barney Fife on steroids; packing; being sexist (treating her Straightbian like “the little woman” in the relationship); etc.;
  • Eschews femininity” (which is a ridiculous and untrue radfem notion; remember that REAL Lesbians do NOT “eschew feminity”).

The above misconceptions explain how Straightbians (many of whom often incorrectly call themselves “Femmes“) state (with the totally misplaced confidence of the completely ignorant) that “Butches strip” and other such nonsensical, inane claims.

Once again for the numerous seemingly slow-witted Straightbians/others who are perpetuating and/or believing such ridiculousness: 

Many people ask why we continue to insist on calling out the numerous shocking inaccuracies about Butch, Femme, and Lesbian in general. We continue because words have meaning, and the truth matters.

If you find yourself feeling threatened by what we are saying, it’s time to stop and ask yourself why.

Perhaps you already know deep-down, underneath all of your rationalizations and layers of denial, that the life you are living is ONE BIG FAT LIE.

It’s time to face YOUR own demons instead of making demons out of us!

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Butches, Stripping, and Straightbians…Oh My

For a couple of days now, I have been in a series of heated debates regarding the question of whether Butches would ever be strippers. (Answer: Not just no, but HELL NO).

In response to my statement that the probability of a Butch stripping would be approximately a snowball’s chance in Hell, I received a flippant, snarky reply from the individual asserting with confidence that “sure, Butches strip all the time”, with what appeared to be a vintage pic of a short-haired stripper (presumably to “prove” that Butches do strip).

Problem is: The woman in the pic she sent was most certainly NOT Butch, and most likely, she’s not even ANY sort of Lesbian either. This tweeter, along with a plethora of others, incorrectly assume that if any woman cuts her hair short and dons a suit (or any other so-called “male attire”) and simply makes the claim she is Butch, she is magically (POOF!) suddenly Butch.

But it doesn’t work that way. Not even close. Butches are born, not made.  Butch is NOT a performance, a costume, a political stance, or an act, and it is majorly offensive when people appropriate and misrepresent Lesbian lives.

A true Butch would NEVER strip. She would literally die first, and that is NOT an exaggeration.

What gives me the right to make such a broad claim, you ask? Because I am a Femme Lesbian. Because I am married to a Butch, and have known other Butches. Because I have been in the Lesbian community for many, many years now, and have seen so many dykes & Straightbians call themselves Butch when they clearly weren’t. Because I happen to have a lot more knowledge about this topic that most people.

(Yes, I said it, I mean it, and I don’t care if you mistakenly think that is arrogant, because, yes, I do, in fact, know more about this topic than most people).

Anyway, I won’t bore you with giving you a play-by-play of every argumentative hetsplaining tweet or every Straightbian arguing with Lesbians about OUR OWN LIVES. It would take a dissertation to just explain the last couple of days.

But let’s examine one striking example of the sort of ignorance and attitude real Lesbians have to put up with:

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Let’s examine this snippet. Seemingly out-of-the-blue, a relatively new “feminist” account with 14 followers at the time and a handful of tweets crawls out of some hole to randomly bust my chops?

Hmmmm…it seems likely that this is a familiar troll in a new disguise, but regardless of this person’s true identity, automatically jumping to a racial connotation when race was not even mentioned is an incredibly transparent attempt to derail the actual point (“Butches don’t strip…period.”) by implying I am somehow inexplicably being racist by talking about a Lesbian issue.

Obviously, that idiotic crap doesn’t work with me. “Stick to the topic or shut up” is my motto.

(And, no, there are not any Butches of any race stripping for a living, now or ever).

Moving on to the next ridiculous assertion from our wannabe know-it-all:

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Okay, so calling me a racist didn’t work, so what does this buffoon do now? Hmmm…Oh, I know, let’s bring RAPE into it! THAT always derails the discussion!

This “rape culture” statement is completely off-topic and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, so, again, this is an obvious attempt to discredit what we are saying by twisting what we are actually saying to try to make it mean something completely unrecognizable.

This is actually a very common Straightbianfeministploy:

If you have no coherent argument and/or simply don’t understand the topic, these people think it’s time to bring up any of the following to try to derail the conversation:

  • Rape or Rape Culture
  • The Patriarchy
  • The “Trans Cult”
  • Racism
  • Sexism
  • Any other “ism”
  • Discrimination
  • Violence Against Women
  • MRAs
  • Men (of any variety) systematically “coercing” Lesbians into having sex with them (Not happening)

Well, those tactics may work with some people, but they are certainly not going to work with me or Dirt.

Again, the topic at hand was simple: Butch Lesbians and stripping. This topic has nothing to do with racism, rape, etc. etc. etc. Obviously.

Back to the point: Do Butches strip?

And the final answer is: Butch Lesbians would never strip, regardless of race, age, audience, era, or circumstance. The end.

Lesbians Are Different

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#PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Ever since my partner, spouse, and all-around sweetie-pie, Dirt, wrote a post entitled “Lesbian Children Are Not Girls: How Hetero-Society Ignores Lesbians“, she has received lots of feedback both publicly and privately: positive feedback from Lesbians and argumentative comments from hetsplainers.

One hetsplaining commenter in particular persists in insisting that any differences between the sexes, and/or differences between Lesbians and heterosexual females, is simply a matter of “socialization” and “gender stereotyping”.

While socialization and stereotyping are indeed real, they are not solely responsible for, nor do they sufficiently explain, the differences between Lesbians and heterosexual females that Dirt is writing about.

The other tactic the hetsplainers like to use is the “exception to the rule” argument. They will completely ignore most the information presented and go straight to the argument that they and/or someone they know don’t fit into what Dirt is saying in one way or another.

It should go without saying (but it obviously has to be said anyway!), that, when speaking in generalities about any topic, of course, there will always be “exceptions to the rule”. These expected exceptions to the rule, however, do not disprove the rule, and using this tactic as an argument is simply a way to try to minimize or deny what someone is saying.

My point is that (as usual!) heterosexuals are responding  to Lesbians by arguing, minimizing, and denying what we are saying (in this case, about our own existence!), rather than realizing that they do not know what the heck they are talking about, and therefore shutting up long enough to listen and learn.

Dirt’s posts (a 3-part series, here is part 2) will cover the topic of how Lesbians and straight females differ in depth, but I also wanted to write briefly about it.

When I wrote the guest post entitled “A Lesbian Psychologist Speaks Out“, I touched very briefly on this division between Lesbians and heterosexual females:

“Even though I am a so-called ‘feminine-presenting’ lesbian myself, there are still significant differences in how I process and approach the world in comparison to my heterosexual cohorts…

Because lesbians often don’t see others like ourselves in the world around us, we often feel we are different than other females.”

This difference is something that is difficult to fully understand, much less articulate clearly. However, despite struggling to put it into words, feeling “different” from an early age is something that every Lesbian I have ever spoken to (or read about) consistently reports.

I wanted to give a brief summary of a just a few of the ways in which I personally have perceived myself as “different” from my straight friends, acquaintances, and coworkers:

  • I am/was neither flattered by, nor bothered by, males. (Note that I am not talking about stalkers, perverts, rapists, or otherwise abusive males…everybody should be bothered by them! Rather, I am referring to “regular” males encountered on an everyday basis ~ fellow students, coworkers, neighbors, etc.).
  • I didn’t “lose myself” when adolescence hit, unlike my straight friends and fellow students (and most heterosexual adolescent girls!), who were suddenly (and overwhelmingly!) more interested in boys than in anything else. Grades, hobbies, interests, friends, family, pets, etc. are suddenly yesterday’s news for many straight female adolescents.
  • Even though I was already aware that I was a Lesbian as an adolescent, I didn’t go “girl crazy” like my cohorts went “boy crazy”. Even when I met my first partner at age 17, I still made A’s in college, worked 2 jobs, volunteered, worked out, and still maintained my friendships and family relationships. My world didn’t simply stop to revolve around my romantic relationship; yet, time and time again, I have seen (otherwise intelligent) straight females seemingly sucked straight into a black hole
  • As Dirt said in her post, “Lesbian children are not culturally groomed to have our bodies change (develop) for the purpose of pleasing other (teen/adult) Lesbians as/when we mature.” Most heterosexual parents are not even aware they are doing it, but girls are groomed and reinforced from a young age to welcome sexual maturity and the heterosexual assumption/privilege that goes along with it. Girls are reinforced for physically attractiveness (“You’re such a pretty girl! You’re going to break lots of boys’ hearts one day!” and similar comments). Therefore heterosexual girls are often proud of the new curves that appear in adolescence. In contrast, I was extremely uncomfortable about the changes in my body at adolescence, and made every effort to cover up (still do!). Instead of welcoming the sudden attention I got for my looks, I dreaded it. (Although I did not have true dysphoria myself, I can easily understand how many young Lesbians might mistake such acute bodily discomfort for dysphoria).
  • Because I am not straight (therefore, I am an outsider), I could/can usually see clearly what’s going on (and what is going to happen) in my straight friends’ love lives, to the point where many have said I am “psychic”. Being on the outside allows me to view heterosexual relationships/culture/behavior with detachment, and makes me typically able to observe and understand male behavior more clearly than my straight female friends.
  • I didn’t/don’t understand the hints, innuendos, and vague language often used by my straight female cohorts. I didn’t/don’t understand the desire to speak indirectly rather than simply stating what is wanted or needed. For example, if you want something specific for your birthday, why not just say so, rather than assuming your partner “should” magically know (and then being disappointed when you don’t get what you want)?  I don’t understand it; I never will. But my straight friends say they find such directness “inappropriate” (or unimaginable!). (Note that I am not referring to “good/bad manners” here, but rather simply directness versus indirectness of communication).
  • It wouldn’t have occurred to me to break plans with a friend because I suddenly got a date, yet doing so seems to be often both accepted and expected amongst straight female friends.
  • As a child, adolescent, and adult, I have never completely “fit in” with straight people, male or female, although I get along well with both. I have personality characteristics that are considered to be “stereotypically female” as well as personality characteristics that are considered to be “stereotypically male”. It’s like I live in a middle world, which is separate from both, but also like both, in various ways. Thus, Dirt’s assertion that “Lesbians are not girls”.
  • When I comment online, either anonymously or using a gender-neutral username, I am often accused of “mansplaining”. Straight females often seem to mistake directness for male behavior. No, it’s Lesbian behavior!

These are just a few examples. Of course, every Lesbian’s experience is unique, and I am not speaking for all (nor do I want to).  (Similarly, every straight woman’s experience is unique as well, and, as I said above, of course, there are always exceptions).

I will say, though, that I have heard of numerous similar experiences in the stories of Lesbians. Enough to ascertain that there is indeed a definite pattern of difference between Lesbians and straight females. And all the hetsplainers in the universe cannot explain away this truth.

Gender Dysphoria: What It Is, What It Isn’t, And How To Feel Better About It

Note: This post was written by my partner, spouse, and all-around sweetie-pie, Dirt, and originally posted here.  I wanted to post it here because it is so important to spread the word that what most people are mistaking for “dysphoria” is NOT actually dysphoria.  This post explains what it really is. 

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Source: Public FaceBook Group

Gender Dysphoria is a term/diagnosis professionals (wrongly) staggeringly overuse to identify and unnecessarily treat transgenders and a term astronomically used by pedestrians to self-diagnose.

As someone who has suffered true Gender Dysphoria to the severest degree, developing puberty related discomfort around age 12, then drastically intensifying a year later, I will discuss Gender Dysphoria from various angles; a first person account, secondary, as an long term lesbian community member and thirdly as an experienced reader/writer on transgender related issues.

I’m told by age two I refused to wear dresses or any clothing that was over the top girly. I can recall at three years of age choosing clothes either uni sex girls or boys clothing, the same was across the board for toys/friends/games/play etc. I also recall specifically at age three that random adult strangers began to ask me “Are you a boy or a girl?”. The question at first confused me, because it made no sense to me. I had long hair, so how couldnt they SEE I was a girl? Later this question or the flat out assumption that I was male, caused me a deep sense of shame. Not a shame in being a girl (that would come later) but shame from the disappointment held in the adult faces questioning my sex when I said “girl”. I kept wondering what was so wrong with being the girl I was and not the boy I was not?

Fortunately my Ma didnt give me any grief for the girl I was and my Dad seemed to take great pride in it. He even encouraged my interests with gifts like a baby blue battery operated motor bike when I was three or the maroon and black mini-bike when I was four, which he drilled holes in the bike’s frame to fashion training wheels till I was comfortable enough to ride without them a year later. I also received no fallout or weirdness from adult relatives or cousins, cousins of whom my closest allies were only boys. It was only strangers/non family adults that seemed genuinely uncomfortable and perplexed by me/my looks/my behaviour/my mannerisms.

I do recall upon entering kindergarten, some mild confusion/uncomfortableness from other kids. I remember specifically during bathroom lineups getting into the girls line and boys yanking me back into their line, whereupon the teacher placed me back into the girls line. I also remember being mortified when such situations occurred (and they occurred often-sometimes still) and filled me with embarrassment. But boys claiming me a their own would follow me all through school. Knowing I was a girl, but also knowing I wasnt like any girl they knew. I was one of them, without being them. Going back to the kindergarten bathroom situation, it was the teachers abrupt actions to physically guide me into the girl’s line (several times), it was her uncomfortableness that made me uncomfortable, not the other kids. And not my own differences, which by age five I was well aware.

Being allowed/accepted to simply be myself-Lynn-by peers, family and having a VERY athletic body that could do just about anything I required of it, as far as bodies go, I didnt give it a second thought till I was about twelve. This was the first time I became aware of my body when it reminded me I WAS my body. My breast began to grow, not much but enough I could no longer run around shirtless and within a year grew enough to warrant wearing the nightmare called a bra.

I don’t know if sports bra’s were available then, but had a plain black sports bra been available it would have made the transition to breast a GREAT deal easier. I may still have laid in my bed at night and beat them with my fists, hoping with everything that was within me to awake each morning and they’d be gone, but reality being reality and they wouldn’t be, a comfortable sports bra would have felt like a blessing. Yet even the severe degree of uncomfort I had when I developed breasts, it was just that, discomfort, NOT dysphoria. And being one who always wore baggy comfortable clothes, once I got over the bra ickiness, while it wasn’t something I loved wearing, I did acclimate to having to wear one. By my late teens I discovered sports bras and never looked back.

At age thirteen, while still dealing with the bra issues, the onset of my period began. The best way to describe my feelings of periods, particularly early on can best be summarized by the writer Janet Frame when she wrote of her feelings each time she was to receive shock treatment “each the equivalent, in degree of fear, to an execution“. That is the most honest description of my feelings whenever a period was due and the most honest during, was the execution itself.

Beginning from age thirteen and ending at age 46, I did feel some form of dysphoria/mental discomfort when a period was coming on/on. I did make a conscious choice in my teens to do my best to live/deal with it and as period products changed (huge pads to thin) it was mostly just discomfort/annoyance. Being a lesbian, most importantly being a Butch lesbian I obviously was NEVER going to get pregnant and give birth. Were it readily available at the time, I would have had ablation to reduce/stop my periods without interfering in my natural hormone processes.

Even purchasing period products gave me a certain amount of embarrassment/mental discomfort. I felt like EVERYONE knew, whereas I wanted NO ONE to know. Meaning, the uncomfortableness that occurred was in feeling like MY personal private business was suddenly on display for strangers. Strangers who saw period products in my shopping cart, strangers who rang my purchases up and the strangers who bagged them. Even when strategically hiding them in my cart, I still had to deal with the cashier and bagger. The times I had long term girlfriends, they would take care of buying period products, knowing as Femmes do, the process made me uncomfortable. I would liken buying period products to the feeling adults who need adult diapers must feel.

It may seem like there is little difference between dysphoria and discomfort, but there is a most critical difference. Just about everyone EVER has felt some sort of uncomfortableness with their body, especially females. That discomfort can be GREAT or it can be small, it can lead to exercising to feel better about yourself, eating healthy or it can lead to an eating disorder. Instilling a healthy self image and a healthy interior can prevent most developing body related issues and where/when body issues arise help to remove all or most body discomfort from them.

Dysphoria is rooted in function and control, specifically bodily functions and the inability to control them. This can be bodily functions tied to our sex or bodily functions independent of sex such as voiding. Some transitioned homosexual males have expressed disliking erections because they emphasized that they were male, but only felt displeasure AFTER they took pleasure in their erection. These feelings are akin to a dieter who cheats with a peace of cake, enjoys eating the cake then feels guilty/bad afterward-that is not dysphoria, that’s regret and self loathing.

Females who hate dealing with periods (every female who’s ever had even one), females complaining of the dreaded “shark week” or a visit from “Aunt Flo”, their discomfort/distress/annoyance in and of itself also doesnt qualify as dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria as it is defined, does not exist. Prior to its debut and the criteria that followed, no person or either sex met the GD criteria.

When Psychology sold its soul to Big Pharma, in its blind ambition for scientific legitimacy, it relaxed or tossed many of its former discerning practices. It is no secret that the young, the intellectually slow and emotionally damaged and fragile are dramatically susceptible to the POWER of suggestion. It is also no great mystery that the rise of Gender Dysphoria diagnoses, much like the rise in Bipolar, ADHD, Autism etc followed AFTER the criteria for these disorders were both broadened and wildly publicized, resulting in hundreds of thousands misdiagnosed and most certainly mistreated.

Body dysphoria is VERY real, VERY distressing and currently has no known clinically successful treatment/cure. Transgender transition is a mentally/physically VIOLENT form of treatment for Gender Dysphoria and since nearly all seeking help for Gender Dysphoria do not adequately meet GD criteria, the treatment is useless and unsuccessful. Transition as treatment/cure for Gender Dysphoria is akin to treating the common cold by way of leg amputation. The focus of the cold would be redirected toward the missing limb, but the cold itself while not the focus would still be present/uncured. And due to the missing leg, a host of other issues would then ensue.

And when those like myself, who would have met (and then some) or even have moments where we might still meet Gender (body) Dysphoria criteria, we found help in the form of common sense, maturity and lovers who didn’t shame us, who instead reminded us we were MORE than our periods and our periods didn’t make us disappear. But even were transition used as treatment/cure for the TRULY body dysphoric like myself, the treatment is an act of disappearing and burying problems has NEVER made problems go away. And once upon a time, uncovering problems was the root of psychology.

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A Lesbian Psychologist Speaks Out

Originally posted here:

https://youthtranscriticalprofessionals.org/2016/07/22/a-lesbian-psychologist-speaks-out/

A Lesbian Psychologist Speaks Out

By: Saye Bennett

I am a lesbian, and I am a psychologist.

Those two facts have been inextricably linked in my mind as I have observed, with increasing dismay, both the mental health community and the medical community unquestioningly accept the current transgender trend as fact.

As a psychologist, the most urgent and obvious concern I have about this uncritical acceptance of the transgender trend is our ethical mandate to “Do No Harm”. How can we, in good conscience, happily send our clients down a long and dangerous path of cross-sex hormones and invasive surgeries?

(If you don’t think there are dangers in these interventions, please take the time to research very thoroughly, making sure to scratch beneath the shiny surface veneer of the relentlessly positive trans propaganda).

Our goal as mental health professionals should be to empower our clients to become their healthiest, best, authentic selves.

To believe that a client’s true self can only be achieved by changing everything true about herself is ludicrous.

And yet that is exactly what the mental health and medical communities are wholeheartedly endorsing.

The current political climate is increasingly limiting professionals’ choices in this matter, and is now even squelching our right to speak out with questions and concerns.

Questioning is now deemed hate speech, and refusal to simply automatically submit to client demands is now deemed unprofessional and “transphobic”.

When it comes to the transgender trend, differential diagnosis is forbidden, yet how can professionals adequately diagnose or recommend treatment without getting the full picture?

Instead of blindly accepting our client’s diagnosis of herself, we should be doing what we do for ALL clients, which is to actually find out what is going on that led the client to this point.

There are many factors that may need to be considered when a client reports she is transgender, including, but not limited to: sexual orientation (more on this below); trauma; general body image; eating disorders; medical history; autism spectrum disorder; mood issues; anxiety; family relationships; and social dynamics (including social contagion).

In other words, a thorough assessment of all relevant factors and a comprehensive background history are needed to get a full picture.

The mention of sexual orientation leads me to my next point, because, as I mentioned above, the transgender trend concerns me greatly in my professional role, but it affects me even more saliently as a lesbian.

As a lesbian, I can say with firsthand knowledge that lesbians often do not meet society’s stereotypical notions of “femininity”. Even though I am a so-called “feminine-presenting” lesbian myself, there are still significant differences in how I process and approach the world in comparison to my heterosexual cohorts.

Therefore, because lesbians often do not fit into society’s narrow definition of alleged “appropriate” femaleness, I have been witnessing many lesbians being ensnared into the trap of thinking that they must be transgender.

Because lesbians often don’t see others like ourselves in the world around us, we often feel we are different than other females. This is likely to be even more true during childhood and adolescence, before we have the independence and the means to get out and explore the world.

Many lesbians have interest in activities, peers, toys, items, hobbies, colors, clothes, books, movies, TV shows, games, etc. that do not fit into society’s narrow view of “stereotypical femininity”.

So if a female reports she “does not identify with/as”, nor feel similar to, other females, it does NOT mean she is “really a male”, it just means that she is a different, unique, and equally valid, type of female.

Similarly, if a female reports that she likes sports, or the color blue, or wearing pants all the time, or wants to play with trucks instead of dolls, (etc.), it does NOT mean she is “really a male”, it just means she carries her femaleness in a way that is different from society’s rigid expectations.

Females who do not fit into the traditional “feminine” stereotype do NOT need hormone blockers or cross-sex hormones; they do NOT need to “socially transition”; and they do NOT need unnecessary surgeries.

Female bodies are not the problem here…society’s expectations are the problem.
There is no “right way” nor “wrong way” to be female.

What girls/women who carry female differently do need is unconditional acceptance and support, in order to become comfortable navigating being different in a critical and rigid society.

Mental health and medical professionals owe it to our clients to think critically about all information being presented to us.

We owe it to our clients to delve deeply to find the truth, and to always strive to “Do No Harm”.

Bottom line, we owe it to our clients to critically question an ideology which is based on John Money’s already discredited gender identity theory; and which is also based on stringent, faulty notions of what it means to be a female.

**Note: The focus of this post is based on females, so that is the term used for simplicity and clarity. However, please note that the same general principles would be relevant for males who do not fit the stereotypical notions of “masculinity”.

09/09/2016:  Edited to add:  I did not discuss dysphoria in the post, primarily because this post was intended to be a general overview of my concerns as a lesbian psychologist regarding the trans trend, rather than an in-depth exploration of the diagnostic process. Basically, dysphoria is a term that is very often misused and overused. For more information about true dysphoria, please read this post.