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Being a Lesbian Is NOT All About Sex

I have touched upon this topic before, but it deserves a specific post. Heck, it deserves multiple posts!

Due to the fact that being a Lesbian is labeled a SEXUAL orientation, people in general, including Lesbians, often equate Lesbian with SEX.

ThisSucks

(Pun Semi-Intended)

Here’s the thing: Yes, Lesbians do have sex (duh!).

But: Um, hello, so do straight people!

But somehow, when straight people talk about their romantic relationships in general terms, nobody…NOBODY…assumes that they are talking about SEX…unless they’re actually talking about sex!

If a straight woman says, “My boyfriend and I went to the Farmer’s Market on Saturday”, nobody tells her, “I don’t need to know about your sex life!” or “I don’t care who you sleep with, because love is love!”  And nobody asks a straight woman, upon learning that she has a male romantic partner who accompanied her to the Farmer’s Market, “How does that work? Who’s on top?”

Nope, they just ask whether they bought heirloom tomatoes.

But let a Lesbian mention our Lesbian partner in a general, non-x-rated conversation, and BOOM! We are quite likely to hear a variation of the above comments, get a barrage of intrusive questions, or, at the very least, potentially face an awkward moment.

For a hilariously accurate overview of what would happen if Lesbians suddenly started acting like straight people, watch this video. Then watch it again, and let it truly sink in.

The incorrect over-emphasis on the SEXual part of orientation leads to a variety of problems and misunderstandings, ranging from mildly annoying to outright dangerous.

First, to focus solely on sexual activity as the basis for defining Lesbian opens the door wide open to the problem of Straightbians of all sorts falsely claiming to be us and spreading misinformation to and about us. Having sex (or even a long-term relationship) with another female does not make anyone a Lesbian.

Behavior ≠ Orientation.

Second, to oversexualize Lesbianism leads some men to think of us as available sexual objects. To make matters worse, Lesbians are typically falsely portrayed as hypersexualized nymphets just WAITING for a man to sweep us off of our feet. Ugh and double ugh.

Thirdly, and most importantly, for Lesbians to define ourselves as simply a SEXual orientation denies the very real fact that Lesbians are different from straight females in ways that have nothing whatsoever to do with who we have sex with…or even whether we have sex at all. (In other words, a Lesbian who is currently celibate is STILL A LESBIAN, just as a straight person who is currently celibate is still straight).

Top Ten Truths About Lesbian Teens

Note: This is a joint post with Dirt, originally posted here.

1) In ALL Lesbian teens, Heterosexual Dysphoria increases to varying degrees, resulting from fears developed during puberty.

2) In ALL Lesbian teens, the development of breasts/hips hasten greater Het Dysphoria, due to Lesbian teens fearing physical changes that (feel like they will) align us more with Heterosexual females.

3) In ALL Lesbian teens, because puberty (Heterosexually) signifies the beginning of adult (Het) relationships (marriage/children/family), Lesbian teens feel angst when family/friends/adult figures incorrectly presume they will follow into Heterosexual roles.

4) In ALL Lesbian teens, physiological changes from periods heighten Heterosexual Dysphoria, doubling #1, intellectually feeling/KNOWING this should NOT be happening to us. We strongly suspect these feelings are due to Lesbian evolution being incomplete. Lesbian brains have evolved beyond Heterosexual female procreation, but Lesbian bodies are still functioning to procreate. The many problems Lesbians have with their cycles (including not menstruating) are indicative of our evolution toward complete Lesbian evolution. This is NOT simply the feeling of “I don’t like having a period” or “periods are a nuisance”, rather, it is a complete mental disconnect/”at odds”-ness with periods.

5) In ALL Lesbian teens, unlike Heterosexual teens (who become “boy/girl crazy”), Lesbian teen intellects/emotions are not hijacked via procreative impulses.

6) In ALL Lesbian teens, due to the unshared procreative drive/coupling by Heterosexual teens (teens Girl concerns change focus/priorities from school/college etc. to that of clothes/makeup/beauty/friends/boys/Proms/sex/birth control/relationships); Lesbian teens experience feelings of difference and alienation, pointing them instead toward academics/sports/college goals/hobbies/future jobs/etc. Depending on the feelings of alienation, some Lesbian teens may experiment with drugs/alcohol as an escape from constant Heterosexuality.

7) In ALL Lesbian teens, Het female friends use Lesbian teen friends as boy stand-ins or go-betweens between them and boys. This is confusing/hurting to Lesbian teens, who often develop Het Girl crushes when Lesbian teens are used to fulfill Het Girls calculated Boy/Girl schemes.

8) In ALL Lesbian teens, as romantic feelings develop, Lesbian teens feel more bombarded by dominant Het culture’s biologically driven sex/procreative compulsions:

  • Barraged with Het classmates pairing up
  • Barraged with Het TV/TV advertisements
  • Barraged with Het billboards
  • Barraged with Het films
  • Barraged with Het music
  • Barraged with Het books/magazines
  • Barraged with Hetsplained notions of Lesbian via all of the above
  • Barraged with Het public

All conspiring to further Lesbian teens feelings of alienation.

9) In ALL Lesbian teens, Lesbian teens begin realizing our Lesbianism isnt accepted, nor understood by family/society (including liberals). Procreation (SEX) being the near be all and end all of Hets (for Het females its babies/Het males its sex-both leading to species propagation); attraction being only a minute aspect of Lesbianism, as it becomes obvious to families of Lesbian teens that they are Lesbians, families react in a range from grief [regardless of current changes in law] (“I’ll never walk her down the aisle” or “I’ll never have grandchildren”) to mild acceptance (“I don’t know why you wouldn’t want a boyfriend but I love you anyways” or “love is love”) to hate and disgust (“no daughter of mine is going to be a pervert” or “you will go to hell” or “what will the neighbors think” or “get out of my house or I’ll fucking kill you”). In ALL cases, once a Lesbian teen is identified as Lesbian by family/friends, the human totality of each Lesbian is shrunk to that of two females (Straight or Lesbian) having sex.

10) In ALL Lesbian teens, Lesbian teens begin to realize they are like vampires of a sort; Lesbians look out into the mirror of society and do not see (their reflection) their selves reflected back. Even today with so called Homosexual progress, a public/media Lesbian is either a) a STRAIGHTBIAN b) a watered down version of Lesbian (think Ellen) or c) a complete misrepresentation of Lesbian (think OITNB).

Dirt and Mrs. Dirt

It’s Neither Radical Nor Feminist To Hijack “Lesbian”

My sweetie Dirt wrote a post yesterday entitled “How Lesbian Became the Vehicle for Radical Feminist Anger“.  Please read her post, here, first, because this post is intended as a supplement.

Dirt’s post deals with how Radical Feminists appropriated “Lesbian” and falsely used “Lesbian” as a vehicle to express their own anger toward men/patriarchy.

Analyzing the RadFem definition of “Lesbian” (“What is a lesbian? A lesbian is the rage of all women condensed to the point of explosion.”), it should be incredibly obvious to anyone with an IQ higher than mayonnaise that the so-called “Radicalesbians” who wrote the misguided and male-obsessed treatise “The Woman Identified Woman” (and their gung-ho disciples) were/are neither Radical nor Lesbian.

These angry straight women decided, in typical straight-privileged fashion, that they were unhappy with the status-quo regarding men/patriarchy, but instead of directly and effectively taking action to actually change their relationships with men and/or to dismantle patriarchy in any systematic or useful fashion, they chose to cowardly retreat from battle, using their contrived camouflage of “Lesbian” as a way to hide from and avoid the true issues.

Under the guise of “sisterhood“, these straight women proceeded to do the least “sisterly” thing possible:  they proceeded to steamroll over real Lesbians in every way possible, and continue to do so even today.

Ironically, these same purported “Lesbian feminists” are the very same individuals who are arguing incessantly that males cannot become females simply by saying so…yet, somehow, they fail to comprehend the irony that they are doing the very same thing: claiming to be something they are not, while arrogantly expecting to be automatically believed and welcomed with open arms.

Real Lesbians were (and still are) an inconvenient truth in these faux “Lesbians’” alleged “feminism“.

We insist on pointing out the pesky truth that the prevalent myth that “any woman can be a Lesbian” is an outright lie. We point out that arguing with men all day, every day on Twitter  or elsewhere isn’t actually taking constructive action. We repeatedly point out that Lesbians are not “angry man-haters”; that being Lesbian is not a choice; and that every woman who claims to be a Lesbian is not actually a Lesbian.

In short, we are raining on their parade and they don’t like it.

Here’s the thing: It is not “radical” to run from the true issues and hide behind a mask. It is not “radical” to appropriate “Lesbian” because you are too scared to stand up for your rights as a straight woman. And it’s certainly not “feminist” to harm real Lesbians with your nonsense.

So, instead of “Radical Feminist Lesbians“, a more apt title would be “Cowardly Straight Female Liars”.

What would be truly “radical” for these straight females to do would be to constructively find ways to gain and maintain power in their heterosexual relationships and to actually address societal inequities in a methodical and effective fashion.

These faux “Lesbian feminists” can unfollow or block Dirt and me; they can call us “scary” or “dangerous” or “bullies” or “mind-controllers” or any other name; they can attempt to discredit us; and they can continue proclaiming to the top of their lungs that all it takes to be a Lesbian is to simply claim to be one.

But no matter how loud they scream or how vehement their protests against what Dirt and I are saying, the truth remains the same:

Wherever you go, there you are.

And for these false “Lesbian feminists“, they are still stuck in the same place they were in 1970: still arguing with/about males under the false guise of “Lesbian“.

It’s way past time to stop of being stuck that rut, don’t you think?

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Image: By Joost J. Bakker from IJmuiden CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0) via Wikimedia Commons

Lesbians Are Different

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#PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Ever since my partner, spouse, and all-around sweetie-pie, Dirt, wrote a post entitled “Lesbian Children Are Not Girls: How Hetero-Society Ignores Lesbians“, she has received lots of feedback both publicly and privately: positive feedback from Lesbians and argumentative comments from hetsplainers.

One hetsplaining commenter in particular persists in insisting that any differences between the sexes, and/or differences between Lesbians and heterosexual females, is simply a matter of “socialization” and “gender stereotyping”.

While socialization and stereotyping are indeed real, they are not solely responsible for, nor do they sufficiently explain, the differences between Lesbians and heterosexual females that Dirt is writing about.

The other tactic the hetsplainers like to use is the “exception to the rule” argument. They will completely ignore most the information presented and go straight to the argument that they and/or someone they know don’t fit into what Dirt is saying in one way or another.

It should go without saying (but it obviously has to be said anyway!), that, when speaking in generalities about any topic, of course, there will always be “exceptions to the rule”. These expected exceptions to the rule, however, do not disprove the rule, and using this tactic as an argument is simply a way to try to minimize or deny what someone is saying.

My point is that (as usual!) heterosexuals are responding  to Lesbians by arguing, minimizing, and denying what we are saying (in this case, about our own existence!), rather than realizing that they do not know what the heck they are talking about, and therefore shutting up long enough to listen and learn.

Another common misconception (either legitimate or “intentionally misunderstanding” in order to argue) is that Dirt and I are saying the Lesbians are not biologically female. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT IS BEING SAID, PEOPLE. Sigh. For the love of all that is holy, I implore everyone to please learn how to read, to learn how to COMPREHEND what is read, and to learn how to process what is read BEFORE knee-jerking into an emotionally-charged response based on your own incorrect assumptions rather than what is actually being said.

Dirt’s posts (a 3-part series, here is part 2) will cover the topic of how Lesbians and straight females differ in depth, but I also wanted to write briefly about it.

When I wrote the guest post entitled “A Lesbian Psychologist Speaks Out“, I touched very briefly on this division between Lesbians and heterosexual females:

“Even though I am a so-called ‘feminine-presenting’ lesbian myself, there are still significant differences in how I process and approach the world in comparison to my heterosexual cohorts…

Because lesbians often don’t see others like ourselves in the world around us, we often feel we are different than other females.”

This difference is something that is difficult to fully understand, much less articulate clearly. However, despite struggling to put it into words, feeling “different” from an early age is something that every Lesbian I have ever spoken to (or read about) consistently reports.

I wanted to give a brief summary of a just a few of the ways in which I personally have perceived myself as “different” from my straight friends, acquaintances, and coworkers:

  • I am/was neither flattered by, nor bothered by, males. (Note that I am not talking about stalkers, perverts, rapists, or otherwise abusive males…everybody should be bothered by them! Rather, I am referring to “regular” males encountered on an everyday basis ~ fellow students, coworkers, neighbors, etc.).
  • I didn’t “lose myself” when adolescence hit, unlike my straight friends and fellow students (and many heterosexual adolescent girls!), who were suddenly (and overwhelmingly!) more interested in boys than in anything else. Grades, hobbies, interests, friends, family, pets, etc. are suddenly yesterday’s news for many straight female adolescents.
  • Even though I was already aware that I was a Lesbian as an adolescent, I didn’t go “girl crazy” like my cohorts went “boy crazy”. Even when I met my first partner at age 17, I still made A’s in college, worked 2 jobs, volunteered, worked out, and still maintained my friendships and family relationships. My world didn’t simply stop to revolve around my romantic relationship; yet, time and time again, I have seen (otherwise intelligent) straight females seemingly sucked straight into a black hole
  • As Dirt said in her post, “Lesbian children are not culturally groomed to have our bodies change (develop) for the purpose of pleasing other (teen/adult) Lesbians as/when we mature.” Most heterosexual parents are not even aware they are doing it, but girls are groomed and reinforced from a young age to welcome sexual maturity and the heterosexual assumption/privilege that goes along with it. Girls are reinforced for physically attractiveness (“You’re such a pretty girl! You’re going to break lots of boys’ hearts one day!” and similar comments). Therefore heterosexual girls are often proud of the new curves that appear in adolescence. In contrast, I was extremely uncomfortable about the changes in my body at adolescence, and made every effort to cover up (still do!). Instead of welcoming the sudden attention I got for my looks, I dreaded it. (Although I did not have full-blown dysphoria myself, I do believe that ALL Lesbians have some degree of dysphoria).
  • Because I am not straight (therefore, I am an outsider), I could/can usually see clearly what’s going on (including what is going to happen) in my straight friends’ love lives, to the point where many have said I am “psychic”. Being on the outside allows me to view heterosexual relationships/culture/behavior with detachment, and makes me typically able to observe and understand male behavior more clearly than my straight female friends.
  • I didn’t/don’t understand the hints, innuendos, and vague language often used by my straight female cohorts. I didn’t/don’t understand the desire to speak indirectly rather than simply stating what is wanted or needed. For example, if you want something specific for your birthday, why not just say so, rather than assuming your partner “should” magically know (and then being disappointed when you don’t get what you want)?  I don’t understand it; I never will. But my straight friends say they find such directness “inappropriate” (or even “unimaginable”!). (Note that I am not referring to “good/bad manners” here, but rather simply directness versus indirectness of communication).
  • It wouldn’t have occurred to me to break plans with a friend because I suddenly got a date, yet doing so seems to be often both accepted and expected amongst straight female friends.
  • As a child, adolescent, and adult, I have never completely “fit in” with straight people, male or female, although I get along well with both. I have personality characteristics that are considered to be “stereotypically female” as well as personality characteristics that are considered to be “stereotypically male”. It’s like I live in a middle world, which is separate from both, but also like both, in various ways. Thus, Dirt’s assertion that “Lesbians are not girls”. (Again, please note that Dirt is NOT saying that we are not biologically female. Dirt is saying that Lesbians are different from straight females. Duh.).
  • When I comment online, either anonymously or using a gender-neutral username, I am often accused of “mansplaining”. Straight females often seem to mistake my directness for male behavior. No, it’s Lesbian behavior!

These are just a few examples. Of course, every Lesbian’s experience is unique, and I am not speaking for all Lesbians (nor do I want to).  (Similarly, every straight woman’s experience is unique as well, and, as I said above, of course, there are always exceptions to every rule).

I will say, though, that I have heard of numerous similar experiences in the stories of Lesbians. Enough to ascertain that there is indeed a definite pattern of difference between Lesbians and straight females.

And all the hetsplainers in the universe cannot explain away this truth.

Lesbians Need A New Symbol

Note:  Please also read: Dirt’s companion piece, “Double Female Symbol-Not Lesbian-Then or Now” for additional information/explanation.

Dirt and I have been talking and writing for a while now about how Lesbian has been consistently misrepresented, used, and abused…twisted in a whirlwind of hetsplanations, pornifications, and outright lies.

Even the universally recognized symbol for Lesbian (intertwined female symbols) is NOT LESBIAN.

womanwoman

“Lesbian” Symbol (NOT!)

Why? Well, there are many reasons; Dirt’s companion piece, “Double Female Symbol-Not Lesbian-Then or Now” for more reasons/explanation.

The piece of the puzzle that I am focusing on today is: this symbol does NOT accurately represent Lesbian because 2 females kissing, holding hands, or even making love does not mean either/both of them are actually Lesbian(s).

Any 2 females can do any of those things, of course, but it is NOT “Lesbian” unless the individuals involved are BOTH Lesbians.

Here’s the thing: If something doesn’t involve actual LESBIANS, it is NOT LESBIAN.

In TV shows and movies, if there is even the slightest whiff of flirtation between 2 female characters (even if either of the characters was having sex with a man 5 minutes earlier and/or goes on to have sex with a man 5 minutes later)…BOOM…people will immediately start talking about a “Lesbian scene” or “Lesbian subplot” or “Lesbian subtext” or “Lesbian kiss” etc. etc. etc., ad nauseum.

The following is but a very small sample of the NON-lesbian characters/scenarios in TV and movies that have been incorrectly called “Lesbian“:  (Note that I am not talking about whether or not the actors themselves are straight; I am talking about the characters/scenarios):

1). Roseanne Barr’s famous “Lesbian” kiss with Mariel Hemingway in the episode “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. While addressing homophobia, an admirable goal, was the reason given by Barr for including this scene, unfortunately, calling kissing a married straight woman a “Lesbian” (or “gay” as some  people, including Barr, incorrectly insist on saying) scene undermines real Lesbians by implying that we are defined solely by physical contact or action. Lesbian is lesbian, and straight is straight, regardless of physical/sexual activity.

2). The entire hideously offensive “Lesbian” movie “The Kids are All Right”, in which Julianne Moore’s allegedly “Lesbian” character had copious heterosexual sex throughout the whole debacle, only to claim at the end of the movie that such straight behavior didn’t mean she wasn’t a “Lesbian“.  Um…yeah, it does, in fact, mean just that.

3). Almost every “Lesbian” storyline in Orange is the New Black, starting, but sadly not ending, with Straightbian Piper’s on-again, off-again affair with Alex. This decidedly NON-Lesbian storyline is foreshadowed in the Season 1 official trailer, in which at approximately .36-.37 seconds, Piper’s mom asks “You were a lesbian?” and Piper (sitting with her MALE fiance) replies “At the time”. No, no, no, no, no! You either are, or you’re not, a Lesbian, Piper. To make matters even worse, the OITNB Lesbian characters who are supposed to be REAL Lesbians are portrayed as sexual predators (Big Boo) or killed off (Poussey).  Boo, Hiss.

4). Thelma and Louise has been applauded as an excellent example of “Lesbian” subtext. Bullshit. Both Thelma and Louise were straight women who needlessly got themselves into a difficult situation, making progressively worse and worse decisions…including Geena Davis’s character first willingly making out with a guy in the parking lot (who turned out to be a wannabe rapist) which resulted in the very reason they became outlaws, then later having wild sex with a male thief. The whole sad nonsense culminated in them driving themselves off a freaking cliff.  Thelma and Louise are not heroic feminist icons, and they are definitely NOT Lesbians.

5). Xena: Okay, this last example actually pains me to discuss, because I was a Xena fan. I realize now that I was so starved for Lesbian representation that I was willing to scarf up the “subtext” scraps the writers and actors threw us. I was willing to overlook the “maintext” plots involving male romantic entanglements. I was willing to deny my own discomfort when the show could not be trusted to even acknowledge us, much less actually care about us, despite the fan base being heavily Lesbian. Now it’s time to admit that the  so-called Xena “Lesbian subtext” was only a pitiful broken bone thrown to the hungry Lesbian audience, all the while maintaining the true heterosexuality of the 2 main characters to keep their ratings, and their straight privilege, intact.

The examples of such NON-Lesbian scenarios go on and on and on and ON.

It is time to stop this foolishness. We need to stop calling any female/female innuendo “Lesbian”. I know I said it before, but I will say it again and again and again:

If something doesn’t involve actual LESBIANS, it is NOT LESBIAN.

lezzie-symbol

 

Black Mirror’s San Junipero: A Happily-Ever-After Lesbian Love Story…???

!!SPOILER ALERT!!

The 4th episode of the 3rd series of Black Mirror, “San Junipero” (and if you’re unfamiliar with Black Mirror, think Twilight Zone meets the technological age) has been much-ballyhooed as a triumph over the tired, homophobic “Bury Your Gays” trope.

And, in many ways, it indeed seems to be a happy ending. After all, the 2 lead female characters (Warning: Second, and final, spoiler alert!!) ~ after back-and-forth drama ~ do end up in virtual-reality eternity together, complete with a happy end-scene montage to the tune of Belinda Carlisle’s “Heaven is a Place on Earth”.

But…

There seems to always be a “but” when it comes to how Lesbian love is portrayed, and this particular portrayal has a big “but”:

Only one character (Yorkie) is a Lesbian; therefore, the relationship could never be mutual, happy, or true love. (And: Yorkie is a Lesbian whose family would not accept her, leading to tragedy…an all-to-familiar outcome for many Lesbians).

The other character, Kelly, is a bored straight woman who was married for 49 years to a man. Early in the episode, Kelly vaguely alludes to some never-acted-upon same-sex attractions over the years of her heterosexual marriage:

“They were crushes…Never acted on any of it. Never did anything. I really was in love with him.

This fleeting reference to Kelly’s unrequited same-sex flirtations led some viewers to call her “queer” or “bisexual”…but the truth is, it is clear that Kelly is oriented toward males. She married and stayed with a man for decades; plus, only a week before she meets Yorkie in San Junipero, Kelly was f**king a random man for “fun”.

The creator/writer, Charlie Brooker, explains in a spoiler interview (in reference to the same-sex relationship which is central to this story):

“in terms of the writing of it, I tried not to think of that. It’s just two souls.”

The actress who played Kelly, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, chimes in with:

“And that’s sort of the beautiful thing about the characters—in relation to their sexuality—is it’s really not about that, it’s not an issue, it’s not a problem. Obviously they all have their own relationships, how they’ve come to be in San Junipero and their own histories, but I think it’s about human beings and love and souls. And it’s not about it being a problem. That wasn’t the focus of the story and I think that’s actually really refreshing.”

Of course, all of that sounds very accepting and liberal and oh-so-very-nice, doesn’t it?

But here’s the thing: That sort of “sexuality-is-fluid, it’s not about same-sex love, we’re all just people, it’s just two souls” rhetoric is completely dismissive and erasing of real Lesbians. Note that they cannot even say the word “Lesbian”; instead they both refer to us and our love as “that!

For Lesbians, our love is not just about “two sexless souls”; our orientation is not “fluid”; and furthermore, we deserve to BE the actual focus of a story.

But it’s not just the hetsplaining and (seemingly) benign ignorance of the creator/writer and the actress that  I had a problem with in this episode.

My MAIN problem is, as usual, the Lesbian was just expected to accept, even embrace, shoddy treatment from a Straightbian, as if we are somehow LUCKY to be graced by their presence.

I am referring to the scene that decisively showed Kelly’s true colors and her arrogant straight privilege: the scene in which she abusively slapped Yorkie in the face, then condescendingly lectured her:

You can’t begin to imagine. You can’t know the bond, the commitment, the boredom, the yearning, the laughter, the love of it. The fucking love.
You just cannot know! Everything we sacrificed.
The years I gave him. The years he gave me.
Did you think to ask? Did it occur to you to ask? We had a daughter. Alison.
Always difficult, always beautiful. Died at 39 years old, bless her heart.
And Richard and I, we felt that heartbreak as one.
You think you’re the only person ever suffered, go fuck yourself…I pitied you, and that’s the truth.I pitied you. Now you give me some sales pitch about how fucking peachy forever could be… You wanna spend forever somewhere nothing matters? End up like Wes? All those lost fucks at the Quagmire trying anything to feel something, go ahead. But I’m out. I’m gone.

(Gagging loudly).

Kelly obviously didn’t remember (or care) that she was the one who refused to talk about serious topics, opting on insisting on a “good time”, instead of forming a real connection. Kelly obviously thinks that Lesbian Yorkie couldn’t possibly fathom the “depth” of her heterosexual marriage. She admits she married Yorkie out of PITY…not love…or even friendship. Furthermore, Kelly is quick to dismiss and disparage the people in the Quagmire (a new-wave, punk-rock sort of “anything-goes” club) as “lost fucks” even though she herself visited there for recreational f**king! Hypocritical much, Kelly?

Many viewers discussed in reviews and in online discussions about how “touching” the above scene was, because they perceived it to show “depth” to Kelly’s character.

Um…no.

What this specific scene showed was NOT true “depth”…at all. Instead, what it showed was Kelly’s complete disrespect and disdain for someone who had been nothing but kind and loving toward her. It showed the writer’s casual and callous dismissal of Lesbian feelings in favor of the alleged fabled “bond” of a heterosexual union. It showed the underlying nastiness lurking below Kelly’s seemingly fun and free-spirited facade. It showed outright physical and emotional abuse. It showed Kelly’s true heterosexual orientation and straight privilege. It showed an utter lack of understanding of, and a complete lack of respect for, not only the Lesbian lover who Kelly purported to care about, but also for Lesbians in general. And there is absolutely zero acknowledgement of, or empathy for, the tragic and HOMOPHOBIC circumstances that ruined Yorkie’s life.

Instead of discussing the very real dilemma Kelly was facing in a way that would have shown respect for the woman she allegedly cared about, Kelly’s character was shown to lash out physically and verbally in a very mean-spirited, immature, unattractive, narcissistic, selfish, straight-privileged, and egocentric manner.

And instead of handing Kelly her ass on a platter as she should have done, the Lesbian character, Yorkie, ends up apologizing, as if she had anything whatsoever to apologize for.

Furthermore, despite Kelly offering no apology to Yorkie (nor did any scenes afterward indicate any real soul-searching on the part of Kelly), the audience is magically supposed to believe that Kelly suddenly decides to show up in San Junipero for a happily-ever-after eternity with Yorkie and we are supposed buy into the concept that Yorkie should be happy to get Kelly back.

The sad truth is that Kelly would be f**king a man within a month, and Yorkie would get her Lesbian heart broken.

This is NOT the happy ending Lesbians deserve. Instead, San Junipero turns out to be just another slap in the face. 

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#PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Lesbians Do Not Want A Damn Toaster Oven

Note: Please also read Dirt’s companion piece, Women’s Liberation-Recruiting Lesbians-When The Political Went Personal.

We’ve all heard the old classic joke:

“If a Lesbian “recruits” a straight woman to “play for our team”, we win a toaster oven for our efforts.”

toasteroven

This long-standing joke is so rooted in our collective consciousness that it was even included Ellen’s coming out episode.

Lesbians laugh along with this joke, and we even joke amongst ourselves about it. It is, after all, a funny joke, because, as with most humor, it is rooted in a long-term stereotype.

In this case, the prevailing stereotype of Lesbians is that we are always prowling the streets of Hetland to recruit straight women to jump the proverbial fence to come on over to Lesboville!

This trope plays itself out in an endless loop on TV, movies, books, and popular culture.

However, there’s a major problem with this popular stereotype: It’s not true!

The stereotype of “Lesbian recruiting” is rooted in radical feminist doctrine encouraging and even exalting the welcoming, but incorrect, notion that “any woman can be a Lesbian!

Many straight feminists of that time, sick of men and the roles often perpetuated in straight relationships and in heterosexual-dominated culture, enthusiastically jumped onto the radfem bandwagon, called themselves “lesbians” and proceeded to recruit others to their cause.

In other words, the “man-hating lesbian recruiters” whose bandwagon laid the tracks in the road that led directly to the “recruit-a-het-and-win-a-toaster-oven” trope were NOT LESBIANS.

It apparently never occurred to these so-called “radical” feminists that co-opting Lesbian lives/space was not truly radical; because the truly RADICAL option would have been to stand their ground as heterosexuals, in order to work to revolutionize their relationships with men and to ultimately change the sexist standards of society.

Instead of doing the hard work necessary to actually change heterosexual power dynamics and society’s expectations, these radfem Straightbians instead cowardly avoided the underlying issues by running away to Lesboville, appropriating actual Lesbian lives with astonishing Straight-privileged arrogance ever since.

So, next time you hear the old toaster-oven joke, chuckle if you want, but always remember that it is not, and never was, Lesbians who were doing the recruiting ~ it was Straightbians all along.

So Straightbians can take those toaster ovens and shove them up their…well, you know.