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Announcement

I hereby declare that I am going to attempt to stop my part in promoting anger, hostility, and hatred on Twitter…not because I am wimping out, nor because I have changed my mind on anything, nor because I want to make up/get along with anyone…but instead, the reason is quite simple: it’s because I believe the old adage “Two wrongs don’t make a right”.

Yes, I/we have been unfairly attacked, but I know that counterattacking certainly does not make things better…in fact, it only makes everything worse.

I have always known, but had apparently temporarily forgotten, the rule that I cannot change other people, but I can always change my response to them.

For some time now, I have been allowing my own anger, hurt, and frustration to bubble over to the point that I (shockingly!) found myself acting like someone I am not…someone who said outright mean/rude things…someone who kept fights going long after I should have just walked away.

I cannot promise that I will never lose my temper again, of course, nor can I promise that I will always refrain from smarting off when hurt or angry.

This announcement also certainly does not mean that I will stop speaking out when I see homophobia/lesbophobia or any injustice, and it also does not mean that I in any way agree with, nor do I want to have anything to do with, anybody who has attacked me, Dirt, any of our Lesbian friends/allies, or Lesbians in general.

I don’t plan to go back and remove any of my angry posts/tweets at this point though, because it would be a LOT to try to find ~ plus, I think that it would be a bit disingenuous to do so.

But rather, from this moment forward, I plan to continue speaking my truth and to defend myself, Dirt, and fellow Lesbians, but to try to do so without being mean to others…even when they say horrid things.

I will continue to speak up, to speak out, and to stand in solidarity with other Lesbians & with gay men, but I plan to try to do so in a way that doesn’t tear others down and create unnecessary angst/division.

In other words, I will strive to be myself from this moment forward…my real self, that is…the self that has been buried for a while now under multiple layers of anger, hurt, and frustration.

It’s worth a try, don’t you think?

Wish me luck… 

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I Used To Be So Nice (Or: Why I Cannot Walk Away From A Battle With Lesbophobes)

As anybody who has read even a couple of my recent posts will likely already know, I have been angry lately at all of the faux allies and hetsplainers ~ very angry, in fact, but I must admit that underlying that anger is disappointment, frustration, puzzlement, and sadness.

I won’t rehash all of the drama….if anyone is interested, feel free go back through my tweets and replies to get a just a small taste of the brouhahas. I have also done several recent posts which mentioned the drama.

Anyway, someone on Twitter who also knows me in real life (and has known me for over 20 years), recently said something to the effect of being shocked that so many people were being so rude to me.

I actually laughed out loud when I saw that, because I immediately knew exactly what she meant:

In real life, I am, in fact, what most people would consider “nice”.  Meaning: I am typically polite, kind, considerate, giving, etc.; in other words, I get along well with others. (I am always direct and assertive in real life…but I am not aggressive/rude unless it becomes absolutely necessary).

But on Twitter (and to a lesser extent, on this blog), I am quite outspoken…sometimes even outright rude (which occurs, lately with shocking regularity, when I finally reach my maximum frustration tolerance level).

The problem is not just that Twitter is online interaction (meaning: versus in-person), either. I participate regularly on Facebook and LinkedIn and on other various websites/forums/etc., and I get along just fine with people on those, just like I do in real life.

No, I really think it’s specific to Twitter. Somehow, Twitter seems to bring out the worst in me. Actually, perhaps Twitter brings out the worst in everybody, based on my recent observations of various assorted brouhahas that I have NOT been involved in.

I think it’s the combination of the limited characters available to make important points, the fast paced environment, and the discontinuity in threads when multiple people are responding at the same time (which makes it difficult to follow the order of the conversation) that makes Twitter the perfect storm for misunderstandings, anger, hostility, drama, and trouble.

Combine that perfect storm of Twitter with my temperament (I am unwilling to back down — when dealing with a topic which matters to me greatly) and BOOM, it’s Armageddon.

Recently, I have been wondering whether I should just let an ongoing fight with a specific group of mean-girl lesbophobic feminists go…whether I should just walk away and let them stew in their own putrid, poisonous juices.

After all, I do actually believe in karma. People who are mean-spirited and vicious are obviously not happy people.

Also, I truly believe on-going anger and conflict is unhealthy…mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And these individuals are certainly not worth my health or my time.

So, I have been wondering:

Why am I having such a hard time letting this particular fight go? 

It’s not just my ego from being personally and viciously insulted by the ringleader, although I am sure that is indeed a part of it.

And it’s not just their shocking lesbophobia and appalling ignorance about Lesbians, although I am sure that is a HUGE part of it also. After all, utter obtuseness appears in many guises, including some very unexpected sources.

After much consideration, I think that (in addition to the above-noted factors) I am reluctant to stand down for 2 reasons:

First, I am truly horrified at the support that these individuals are getting from other straight feminists, so a big part of me wants EVERYBODY to see who these people really are. So, by calling them out and posting screencaps of their copious bigoted nonsense, I have been hoping that the proverbial aha! lightbulb would suddenly and magically appear above somebody’s head…anybody’s head! (I am afraid, though, that this wish is just a pipe dream).

Secondly, and much more importantly, I, Dirt, and the other Lesbians on Twitter who have been standing up to these individuals are all assertive, secure adults with a strong sense of self and a healthy acceptance of ourselves as Lesbians. So we can take their nastiness with a grain of salt. But: what if we were different? What if we were young dykes, just coming out, currently being rejected by family, friends, and society? What if we were vulnerable, scared, alone, confused, maybe even suicidal? What if we were struggling with self-hatred, dysphoria, and/or internalized homophobia? Would the horrid lesbophobic venom directed at us as Lesbians potentially be the last straw for someone like that? I honestly don’t know, and I sincerely hope not, but I cannot in good conscience allow these people to say such horrible, lesbophobic things without calling them out on it.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and if these individuals would say such repulsive, vile, hurtful, homophobic things to us, it is a fact that they have the capacity to do it to others.

My crusade may not do any good. I may, at some point, decide to lay down my metaphorical sword and walk away from this riDICKulous battle…

But not today.

Sword

Image: Pixabay: azboomer: Creative Commons CC0

The Price of Truth

Since Dirt and I started speaking out about Straightbians and the multiple ways in which they harm Lesbian lives, we have both received numerous emails and private messages thanking us for speaking out. 

Sadly, though, the majority of our private supporters do not have the courage to say so in public. 

As just one example, here is what one person said to me privately, versus what she later said publicly: 

Private


Public:

Well, I know that it is difficult for some Lesbians to come out of the closet, but that issue has nothing whatsoever to do with Straightbians.  (You either are, or are not, a Lesbian, and if you are, you aren’t a Straightbian…zero overlap). 

I wish I could say such a gap between private versus public behavior was limited to this one person, but, alas, it is not. 

It seems that the price for speaking the truth is too costly for most people. 

For me, truth trumps popularity.  I won’t lie in order to be popular and tell people what they WANT to hear. 

The truth is: Any woman cannot just magically “become a Lesbian”, and all the wishful thinking and denial in the world won’t change that simple fact. 

PS: You may be wondering why I am bringing this up. Well, the answer is simple: It is because I am frustrated  and burned out with fighting with straight women on Twitter over what it means to be a Lesbian, while knowing that other (real) Lesbians agree, but nonetheless won’t publicly support the (very) few of us who are willing to speak out.  

Lesbians Are Not Mimicking Heterosexuals, Nor Do We Want To. (Duh!)

When hetsplaining Lesbian, one frequent mistake that heterosexual people make is assuming that Lesbian relationships are mimicry of straight relationships, along with the incorrect assumption that Lesbians seek to emulate straight people.

One particularly odious and completely ridiculous trope is that Butch Lesbians have “eschewed femininity” and that they are “trying to be men“, and that Femme Lesbians are playing the “straight woman” in our relationships.

No. Just NO.

It’s way past time for all of the straight people who think/say such things to remove their head from their own egocentric asses.

It is even more bizarre and distressing when such utter nonsense emerges from alleged “feminist allies“.

 Let’s take a look at just a couple of the multiple lesbophobic comments from these faux “feminist allies” about Dirt, and I hope that these examples will expose what these faux “feminist allies” REALLY think about Lesbians and our relationships ~ underneath their FAKE, chipper “But I totally support Lesbians!” rhetoric: 

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Please recall that Harpy is the very same individual who came up with this gem to explain our Lesbian relationship: 

Harpy

Let’s examine exactly what these self-proclaimed “feminist allies” TRULY think/feel about Lesbians underneath their bullshit “support“:

  • They are condescending, rude, hateful, and/or vicious toward us.
  • They clearly don’t understand Lesbians nor our relationships.
  • They don’t TRY to understand Lesbians nor our relationships.
  • They see Lesbians as simplistic heterosexual mimickers/wannabes.
  • They see Lesbian relationships as imitations of straight relationships.
  • They see Butch Lesbians as intentionally/willfully “non-conforming to gender norms”.
  • They think Butch Lesbians are imitating men and that they want to be men.
  • They think Femme Lesbians are imitating straight women/relationships.
  • They think Femme Lesbians are stupid, shallow, vacuous, vain, and dependent. (Which is quite an interesting perception, since they think we are imitating THEM. Think about it.).
  • They think that heterosexual relationships are higher status than Lesbian relationships. (For instance, in other tweets, they talked about our relationship with “marriage” and “wife” in quotation marks!).
  • They think that Dirt’s parents would/should be upset with the fact she is Butch, which shows their own underlying shocking lesbophobia.
  • They think that we are Lesbians because we are damaged in some way (“Would be intriguing to hear about her parents”).
  • They think Lesbians are simply play-acting; that our entire lives are a flimsy choice to mysteriously try to emulate heterosexuality….which doesn’t even make any sense, but apparently logic is optional for these cretins.
  • They see Lesbians only through their own narrow heterocentric lens…which is to say: they don’t really see US at all, nor do they care to.

I could go on and on, but I think that is the general summation of the falsehoods that these false allies TRULY believe about us when you scratch underneath the shiny surface of their “help“.

Once again for the slow learners: Lesbians are NOT “mimicking straight relationships” nor are we “trying to be men” (nor any other obnoxious variation of these lies). WE ARE LESBIANS. Lesbian lives/relationships are IN NO WAY related to these outlandish claims. 

These same individuals will tweet all day about how men are allegedly trying to coerce Lesbians into sleeping with them etc. etc. etc. ~ and some complete fools therefore mistakenly think that means they support Lesbians:

Rya

My message to these hetsplaining hypocritical harpies (and their ilk) and their fawning fan-boy is:

Fuck off.  

Attention Lesbians: These people are not allies to Lesbians, and they are not our friends. Furthermore, Lesbians don’t want, nor need, their “help“. These people are not only NOT helping Lesbians, but they are a HUGE part of the problem themselves by continuing to believe and to spew hateful lies and ignorant misconceptions about Lesbians.

With every hateful and/or ignorant tweet, these people are showing their true lesbophobic colors.

So: Keep it up, harpies & sycophants, because I WANT Lesbians to see the truth, and these folks are proving what Dirt and I are saying with every venomous word.  

Do Dirt and I Hate Straight Women? Part 2

Please see Do Dirt and I Hate Straight Women? Part 1 first, because this post is a continuation.

The controversy surrounding the accusations that Dirt and I hate straight women has continued unabated on Twitter despite our repeated explanations.

Some particularly unbalanced straight “feminists” apparently think that their own misconceptions of the situation gives them license to say cruel things about Dirt, myself, our relationship, other specific Lesbians, and Lesbians in general.

They are wrong.

While everybody is free to agree or disagree with an opinion (or to like or dislike a person), there is absolutely no legitimate excuse whatsoever for the hateful, vile lesbophobic statements that have been made.

So this post will attempt, yet again, what Dirt ACTUALLY said versus what these asshats are claiming she said. I have no hope that those boneheads will listen or understand; it is abundantly clear that they have no interest in even trying to.

Instead, I want it on the record that what is being said is not even close to being accurate.

So, here’s what happened:

Weary of seeing straight “feminists” yammer on and on and ON every day, all day on Twitter about how men are horrible, men are violent, men are holding women down, men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men (ad nauseum), Dirt finally got fed up and said that if straight women were so very very very concerned about MEN, that they, being the sole childbearers, could potentially band together to reduce the male population to a more manageable number over time.

Literally, women hold the power of life itself. Think about it.

Dirt did NOT say that men/boys should be murdered.

Dirt did NOT say that boy babies should be aborted.

Dirt did NOT say that no male babies should be born.

Dirt did NOT say that the male population should be extinguished.

Dirt did NOT say that straight women should not date/marry/love/fuck men.

Dirt did NOT say that straight women should be celibate.

Dirt did NOT say that all male violence etc. was the fault of straight women.

Dirt did NOT blame all of the world’s problems on straight women.

Dirt did NOT say that straight women deserved any violence or trouble.

Dirt did NOT say that boys/men were bad or that they should be harmed in any way whatsoever (remember: Dirt was responding to THEIR OWN complaints about men…NOT hers).

Dirt did NOT say that they should throw boy babies in a wood chipper.

In short, Dirt did NOT even say that she personally thought that reducing the male population SHOULD even be done.

Instead, Dirt was making a hypothetical point that it theoretically COULD be done by systematic planning, birth control, etc.

My point is if you are going to kvetch about what Dirt said, at least find out WHAT SHE ACTUALLY SAID instead of taking the word of certain hetsplaining hysterical harpies and their simpering sycophant sidekicks.

Just sayin’.

Everyday Lesbophobia and How It Harms Lesbians Every Day

As anyone who reads my blog and/or follows me on Twitter already knows that I have been angry lately. Very angry. Heck, let’s just be honest here, I am still angry now.

I am angry at all of the Lesbophobia I see everywhere online and in real life, both overt and covert. I am angry at false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers.

I am angry that nobody but a handful of fellow Lesbians seems to even notice, or care, that Lesbians are being thrown under the proverbial bus left and right.

As of this morning, I became aware of another feeling existing along with the anger:

Sadness.

Sadness is a much less comfortable feeling for me than anger. With anger, I feel “in control”, powerful. With sadness, I feel helpless.

As much as I don’t want to feel sadness, darn it…there it is.

It turns out, underlying my anger and defiance, there is something else lurking much deeper which I am not even fully consciously aware of yet myself. Something that I cannot fully articulate yet; something that I am just now beginning to see the fuzzy outline of through a thick fog of anger.

For some time now, I have been gradually coming to an uneasy realization of the increasingly obvious fact that Lesbians are ultimately on our own. I have been very resistant to this knowledge, because I don’t want to believe it.

I have about a zillion screencaps which would starkly illustrate my points about false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers and the lesbophobia they perpetuate.

But I won’t post those screencaps in this post, because this post is not about proving my point…interestingly and ironically, their own comments prove the very points Dirt and I are making.

Anybody who wants to see specific examples of truly appalling anti-Lesbian sentiments can peruse my Twitter timeline/replies (and the subtweets about myself, Dirt, and other Lesbians) to see the hatred, nastiness, pettiness, and sheer meanness directed at me, Dirt, other specific Lesbians, and/or Lesbians in general.

Instead, this post is about the direct and indirect toll of such lesbophobia on Lesbian lives.

Here is just a small sample of the many possible ways that anti-Lesbian actions/comments take on Lesbians, every second of every minute of every hour of every day FOR OUR WHOLE LIVES:

  • Feeling alone;
  • Feeling misunderstood;
  • Feeling attacked;
  • Feeling sickened, physically and/or emotionally;
  • Feeling chronically angry;
  • Feeling the need to constantly defend ourselves, our partners, and other Lesbians;
  • Feeling hesitant to speak up because it means facing a whole crowd of opponents;
  • Feeling invalidated;
  • Feeling invisible;
  • Feeling anxious;
  • Feeling outnumbered;
  • Feeling different;
  • Feeling hypervigilant;
  • Feeling exhausted from all of the ongoing effort;
  • Feeling a new wave of disappointment every single time someone else lets us down;
  • Feeling offended/invalidated when outsiders tell us to “be nice” or when they try to make us mediate/get along with Lesbian-hating bigots (think about it: would they ask Black people to be nice to the KKK, or Jewish people to be nice to Hitler???!!!);
  • And last on this partial list, but certainly not least: Feeling sad.

I have decided that it’s okay to feel sad today. It’s okay for myself and other Lesbians to feel any/all of the things listed above…and more…because ALL of those feelings are COMPLETELY NORMAL REACTIONS to living in a world in which the BEST case scenario is that we will never be fully understood/accepted and in which the WORST case scenario is that we are murdered, raped, beaten, fired, denied housing/employment/etc., and/or otherwise harmed for simply being who we are.

And my message to all of the false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers (and to all of the simpering sidekicks) who are harming Lesbians with your copious bullshit: Karma is a bitch and she sees what you are doing.

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Image: Used under license with Shutterstock.

The Sadly Predictable Stages of Hetsplaining

Note: Please also see Dirt’s post on the same topic: Lesbians: SEEING the Forest because we are Not Trees

Dirt and I have been attacked on Twitter by hetsplaining straight “feminists so many times now, I have discerned a predictable pattern of behavior which delineates the stages of hetsplaining:

Butt in to a conversation uninvited;

Attack viciously; twist everything being said beyond all recognition; falsely claim we are misogynists, racists, etc.; even sometimes stooping low enough to insult us personally by attacking our appearance, our relationship, etc.;

Rage all out of proportion to the situation; using all emotion with no logic whatsoever;

Block us so we can’t see what they are saying;

Incite others to attack;

Enlist others to continue the drama;

Subtweet about us, knowing we cannot see what is being said to defend ourselves (which is quite cowardly).

(Rinse and repeat ad nauseum with each new wave of straight “feminists” who pick up the gauntlet).

You can remember this sadly predictable pattern of hetsplaining by using the acronym BARBIES. The most recent brouhaha involved a Barbie harpy (see below).

And for just ONE example of how these hetsplaining harpies treat Lesbians who don’t kowtow to their straight-privileged BS, here’s just one of many insulting tweets Dirt and I have been subjected to for simply stating our opinion:

Harpy

And people wonder why I say that Lesbians are on our own…but, seriously, with “feminist allies” like this, who needs enemies?