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Time for a Pop Quiz!

Here’s a quick pop quiz to test basic reasoning skills.

Just answer “Yes” or “No” to each of the questions below:

1). Can a cat become a dog?

2). Can a pickle become a potato chip?

3). Can a horse become a cowboy?

4). Can chocolate become vanilla?

5). Can a tree become a rock?

6). Can a gay man or a lesbian become straight?

7). Can an Android become an iPhone?

8). Can a fork become a spoon?

9). Can a fish become a cow?

10). Can a heterosexual woman become a lesbian?

If you answered “No” to ALL of the questions on this quiz, congratulations! You are officially smarter than many people who have a Ph.D.!

If you answered “Yes” to ANY of the questions on this quiz, have fun living in La-La Land.

Are We The Only Lesbians In The World?

I wish we had a nickel every time someone made a dismissive, derisive, and untrue comment implying that Dirt, myself, and/or a specific friend of oursthink that we are the only Lesbians in the world” because of our outspokenness about Straightbians. We could all retire in comfort if only someone would pay us for even a small portion of the utter nonsense spread about us.

So, I thought I would do a post addressing this specific, nonsensical, and completely irrational (yet shockingly common!) comment.

Question: Do we think we are the only Lesbians in the world?

Answer: No.

Let’s all just take a minute to really think about this claim: If we actually did think that we were the only Lesbians, there would be absolutely no need to write to/for/about Lesbians. We would just talk amongst ourselves and save ourselves a bunch of time and trouble, now wouldn’t we? (Duh!).

This message has been brought to you on behalf of my ongoing “Just Say No To Saying Ignorant Crap on Twitter” campaign. You’re welcome.

The Official Straightbian Guide To Becoming A “Lesbian Expert” On Social Media

Attention: Straightbians! Have you ever thought how nice it would be to show the world your “Lesbian expertise”? Would you like to get your slice of the “Lesbian pie” and the attention and adoration of other Straightbians, “feminists”, “gender-critical” individuals, and all other straight people on social media? Hey, if you are lucky, and if you meet what heterosexual society deems as attractive, you too may get the opportunity to write for a popular “Lesbian magazine” or to be a contributor to a popular “Lesbian website”! Wouldn’t that be exciting? If this is everything you have ever dreamed of, never fear, you’ve come to the right place! This handy-dandy guide will take you from an obscure typical straight female to an internationally celebrated “Lesbian expert” quicker than you can spell Straightbian!

You may be wondering how to get started. Yes, it can indeed be a daunting prospect to create a fake persona based on a precarious balance of delusional self-deception and egocentric self-promotion, but hey! If many others do it every single day, you can too! Don’t let little problems like the truth or basic human decency deter you from your life goals! With just a little polishing of your “identity”, you will be ready to bask in your social media presence as a “Lesbian expert” in no time at all!

First, if you aren’t already posing as “a Lesbian”, you will have to “come out as a Lesbian”, but that is no problem at all! But before we jump the tiny hurdle of “coming out”, you will need to decide on the type of “Lesbian” you want to be:

Type A: The Sexy Straightbian: To be this type of Straightbian, all you need to do is to be fluent in the straight-male-fantasy-of-“Lesbian”. Pouty lips? Check! Smoky eyes? Check! Stilettos? Check! Pretty girlfriend? Check! A willingness to take sexy pics of yourself in various revealing poses, such as the ever-popular “doggie skyscraper“, while calling it “Lesbian”? Check check CHECK!

Type B: The Sexless Straightbian: Hate men? Check! #YesAllMen? Check! “Eschew” makeup? Check! Love the work of Sheila Jeffreys? Check! Ready to Smash The Patriarchy? Check check CHECK!

Now that you have selected your type, be sure to build upon it!

If you have selected Type A, feel free to embellish with all the accoutrements of your sexy persona. Take that pole dancing class! Buy a velvet sofa! Visit Victoria’s Secret and splurge on some hot lingerie! Wax those pubes! You’re worth it!

If you have selected Type B, go even deeper into character. Shave one side of your head! Buy some Doc Martens! Rip those Levi’s! Read some Andrea Dworkin! “Eschew” shaving! Call yourself “Butch”! Why not? The “Lesbian” world is your oyster, so get ready to suck it dry!

The deeper you go into your “Lesbian” character, the more you can profit, so go for it! Give it Hell, ladies! Meryl Streep herself couldn’t sell it like you can! Believe in yourself!

Okay, now that your Straightbian persona is sorted, now you can move on to “coming out”! How? Simple! Just say “I’m a Lesbian”! Other Straightbians, “feminists”, “gender-critical” individuals, and all other straight people will automatically believe you! Boom! Done!

Now, proceed to bombard social media with your “Lesbian life”. Aggressively follow and support other Straightbians ad nauseum. Building a “Lesbian community” is essential to your success as a Straightbian! Make sure to include numerous pics of yourself with another female, because that will be “proof-positive” of your “identity” as a “Lesbian”!

Take some time to review your social media friends’ tweets/posts/pics/hashtags/videos/etc. and proceed to copy them enthusiastically! Don’t worry that you don’t know what you are talking about! Nobody will notice, since they are all saying the same thing! Groupthink is your best friend! Rinse and repeat until “Lesbian” fame and fortune are yours!

No guide would be complete without a few words of caution. Beware of real Lesbians who may try to rain on your Straightbian parade. Current estimates of the number of these Lesbian “bullies” range from “a couple” to “a mob”. Regardless, should you encounter one of these annoying naysayers, simply repeatedly claim that you ARE a “Lesbian” BECAUSE YOU SAY SO. If necessary, make numerous sock-puppet accounts to support yourself in your own arguments! Call upon your Straightbian “sisters” to jump in and support you too! There is strength in numbers, and rest assured that Straightbians will always way outnumber real Lesbians! Don’t worry that you have no idea what it really means to be a Lesbian! Remain firm in your conviction that it is your right…indeed, it is your privilege…to claim “lesbianism” for yourself! When an argument with a real Lesbian gets heated, always be sure to mention “rape culture”, “racism”, “sexism”, “The Patriarchy”, and/or “misogyny”! That always works to derail a conversation! Don’t worry that what you are saying is completely irrelevant to the discussion! Most importantly, always make sure to call your Lesbian opponents “male” and to insult their appearance! All that is important in these senseless battles is for you to emerge with your “Lesbian” “identity” fully intact amongst your target group.

In summary, with just a few simple steps, you too will be well on your way to firmly establishing your Straightbian social media empire as a “Lesbian expert”. Go you! Feel good about yourself as you bask in the fragile glory of internet presence. Your past days of ennui and angst are but a distant memory. You are the very Straightbian image of “Lesbian” personified now…let’s hear you roar!

Here’s The Thing

To save myself, Dirt, and/or other real Lesbians from having the same argument with Straightbians, other straight “feminists“, and various other assorted dillweeds on Twitter or elsewhere over and over and OVER, I wanted to do a general post to address the most common nonsense we encounter.

So, without further ado, here are the definitive answers to the common malarkey we hear from Straightbians, purported “feminists” and other assorted asshats:

Accusation:

Dirt and/or I and/or other Lesbians are “really male” and/or “really transgender“.

Answer:

Hahahahaha(gaspsforbreath)hahahahahaha!

Seriously, folks: Are you really THAT stupid? (Hint: If you are dumb enough to tweet, retweet, like, and/or believe these lies: Sadly for you, you are officially more than a few fries short of a Happy Meal).

Both of our real identities have been revealed…long ago, and….drum roll, please….wait for it….wait for it….BOOM!:

We are BOTH Lesbians!

(Duh).

Here’s a helpful hint, Einstein:  Try doing even just a tiny bit of basic research and using just a small smidgen of critical thinking skills, if you have any, to avoid looking like a completely vacuous air-headed idiot by saying such foolish things in the future. (Or, alternatively: If the asinine shoe fits…go ahead and slip that stiletto right on, “sister”).

Furthermore, accusations that Lesbians are “really male” is a clear indicator that the accuser is a Straightbian. Why? Because it’s clear that she has no clue whatsoever how Lesbians communicate, look, act, or respond. So, keep talking, cupcake, because you’re just proving our points with every ludicrous thing  you say.

Accusation:

Dirt and I claim that Lesbians are not biologically female.

Answer:

Sighing loudly. Nope. Learn to read. Learn to comprehend what you read. Learn to think. That is, if you can. Otherwise, shut the heck up and leave the thinking to those who are smart enough to decipher what is ACTUALLY being said: That Lesbians are different than STRAIGHT females. Geez.

(Double duh).

Accusation:

Dirt and I hate straight women.

Answer:

Again, no. (Really, what is wrong with some people’s ability to read and to comprehend what they read??). We don’t hate straight women; we hate when Straightbians speak for and about Lesbians.

Accusation:

Dirt and I harass, bully, threaten, dox, stalk, and/or have gotten people fired from their jobs (and other assorted variations of these lies).

Answer:

Not just no, but OH HELL NO. No to all the above and to any/all other variations of this complete lie.

Calling a Straightbian a Straightbian is NOT harassment, bullying, etc.; rather, it is falsely called harassment, bullying, etc. because the truth hurts.

Bottom Line: If you find yourself so very threatened by someone else’s assessment of you that you stoop to spreading riDICKulous lies and/or creating DICKsgusting drama to prop up your own clearly-threatened weak ego, it’s a sure sign that YOU are not secure in your own (false) “identity” as a “Lesbian“.

Real Lesbians would simply respond directly. Real Lesbians are not threatened by being called a Straightbian. Why? Because real Lesbians know who we are and we don’t need anyone else’s approval.

So, if you find yourself OVERreacting to the point of making a total ass of yourself, it’s time to consider why what we are saying is so threatening to you. (Spoiler: You are looking more and more and MORE like a STRAIGHTBIAN with every hysterical OVERreaction).

Remember this same principle if you see someone else overreacting and outright lying in a similar manner: “Protesting too much” is an actual thing. And Straightbians doth protest way too much because they have built their entire lives (and, quite often, careers) on the LIE that they are “lesbians“.

Similarly, those who falsely claim that Dirt is “doxxing” anyone are also wrong. Posting what is already posted publicly on the internet is NOT “doxxing”. Dirt is NOT publishing real names, addresses, workplaces, phone numbers, and/or any other personal/private information, nor would she.

Again: Learn to THINK, people. Do some basic research of your own to come to a fully-informed conclusion before blindly believing lies; my blog and Twitter account are both public, and so are Dirt’s.

Helpful Hint: Whenever anyone is just throwing out triggering accusations — without any actual examples, data, or proof to back up the allegations — it is time to strongly consider the obvious reason for the lack of details. The reason is: IT NEVER HAPPENED. Someone is actively lying to you and manipulating you. Wake up and smell the BS, people.

Accusation:

Dirt and I block people “because they asked a question or disagreed”.

Answer:

No. People ask questions and disagree with us ALL THE TIME, yet we don’t block them all. Why? People who are polite and respectful and willing to engage in discussion (even civil disagreement) do NOT get blocked. Well, who gets blocked then? Rude/disrespectful people; lesbophobes; pornified accounts; people who just want to argue incessantly and clearly have no intention of having a discussion; trolls; bots; liars and those who continue to follow/support outright liars; and all other toxic people.

Accusation:

Dirt and I call everyone who disagrees with us a Straightbian.

Answer:

Yet again: NO. So: Who do we call a Straightbian? Hmmmm….let’s all THINK about it now…yes, even those who are bringing up the rear, brain-power-wise…oh, yeah…that’s right: STRAIGHTBIANS, that’s who! (Triple Duh). If we have called you a Straightbian, it’s simply because you exhibit many of the signs of being a Straightbian. If anyone in these posts here and here sound like you…oh yeah, cupcake, guess what? YOU ARE A STRAIGHTBIAN.

Accusation:

Dirt, I, and/or other Lesbians are “ugly”, “homely”, “mannish”, and/or any other insults to our physical appearance.

Answer:

Sometimes, mean-spirited and apparently unimaginative individuals will stoop to insulting our physical appearance. When this happens, such insults always say much more about the insulter than they do about the person/people being insulted.

If you choose to act in such an immature, unattractive, and toxic fashion, just know that your true nasty colors show through more clearly with each and every insult you hurl.

People will eventually see you for what you really are: a petty, mean, vile, repugnant, ignorant asshat.

And Karma always sees you too.

Furthermore, insulting someone’s appearance is a sure sign that you do NOT have a coherent argument to offer regarding the actual topic of discussion.

And: For those who are falsely calling themselves “feminist” and/or “gender-critical“, faking copious concern about the transitioning of Lesbians, while clicking the “retweet” or “like” button on any tweet directly insulting the physical appearance of Lesbians: We see you as the hypocritical, fraudulent liars that you are. YOU are the problem.

Dirt and I don’t give a darn whether or not you like what we look like. Dirt and I are happy with ourselves and with each other. If you don’t like the way we (and/or other Lesbians) look, don’t look at us. Problem solved!

Here’s the thing: Reading what we write is completely optional. If you don’t like us, the way we look, who we are, and/or what we write, just go away. Far away. Now. Don’t let the door hit your sorry butt on the way out.

We trust that the REAL Lesbians who need to hear what we are saying will find us and will understand what we are saying…which, by the way, is exactly what Straightbians are afraid of.

Straightbians WANT us to shut up, because we are giving away their dirty little secrets.

But we are NOT writing for Straightbians AND we will never shut up.

Real Lesbians deserve the truth. And our message is for LESBIANS only.

Twitter Is A Cesspool and I Am Tired Of Swimming In Excrement

No, this isn’t one of those “I’m leaving Twitter!” posts that are springing up everywhere lately.

I am not leaving Twitter (at least not at this point), but I am dramatically changing my own feelings about, behavior on, and relationship with Twitter.

A well-known (but infrequently followed) principle is that “You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself.” (After a brief search, I could not find the original source of this idea easily, but it’s darn good advice anyway).

Well, the same principle applies to myself and Twitter: I can’t change Twitter (nor the people on Twitter), but I can certainly change my relationship with Twitter (and the people on Twitter).

The main reason I am changing my interactions on Twitter is because I realized that I was letting all of the stress and drama suck up too much of my time, to the point of derailing me from my primary purpose, which is: to write to other Lesbians and about being a Lesbian.

I don’t need, nor even want, the approval of all of the Straightbians who are personally invested in the nonsensical and lesbophobic rhetoric that “any woman can become a Lesbian” nor the hetsplaining gender critical types who call us insulting terms like “gender non-conforming” while pretending to be supportive.

Also, as I have written about before, I truly think that Twitter somehow often brings out the very worst in people, myself included. The fast-paced, free-for-all Twitter environment, in combination with tons of strangers attempting to discuss complex, usually emotionally-charged, topics using limited characters and disjointed threads, frequently results in a frenzy of anger, insults, incoherence, rudeness, misunderstandings, etc.

That sad situation has always been the case, and has made me very wary of Twitter…but that’s not entirely what has precipitated my decision to change my relationship with Twitter.

Recently, I have become increasingly aware of a much more sinister trend on Twitter; one that Twitter is apparently quite fine with, by the way:

Someone (anyone!) can get angry at you, but instead of confronting you directly and dealing with that anger in a straight-forward, rational fashion, that person instead blocks you so you cannot see what they are saying (well, at least theoretically, anyway); then makes up and spreads utter defamatory lies about you, knowing you cannot reply to defend yourself; while encouraging/supporting others to do the same.

Of course, this behavior is certainly NOT limited to Twitter or even to social media in general. Stereotypical “mean girls”, in particular, have used lies, defamation, and exclusion as a tactic, probably since the dawn of humankind. But the advent of social media, particularly in a public situation such as Twitter, has magnified the damage that such sorry behavior can cause.

As you can probably guess, the reason I am writing this post is because this sordid scenario recently happened to myself and my wife, Dirt.

These lies include, but are not limited to:

  • One or both of us are purportedly actually males/trans — and that they reportedly have proof “on good authority”. (A+ for creativity, folks; but that’s a big fat F for basic research skills, truth, intelligence, reasoning, and logic).
  • We have allegedly stalked, harassed, and/or bullied the lying accuser on Twitter (and purportedly her wife too, who, ironically, we did not even know existed until she decided to back up her wife’s lies with lies of her own), “despite being blocked.” (Not only did this never happen, but anyone saying this clearly doesn’t know how Twitter works and sadly isn’t even smart enough to find out before outright lying).
  • A “mob” of us (a couple is a “mob” now?) reportedly “targeted” one of the copycat liars on “both Twitter and Facebook” “12 months ago”. (I’ve never even interacted with this particular lying accuser at all; furthermore, both of our Facebook accounts are private for family and friends only; and we very rarely even comment outside our own circle on FB. In other words…complete and utter bullshit.

Actually, such ridiculousness is probably still happening, but I am attempting to ignore it and to systematically block anyone who likes, retweets, comments, supports, follows, etc. the main perpetrator and her mean-girl posse.

The “old” me would have done a post about it, complete with screencaps of the actual lies with my (usually snarky) responses to refute the lies. I am keeping all of the screencaps, in case I need them in the future, but (at this point) I don’t plan on doing a post about it, nor do I plan to continue trying to defend myself here, on Twitter, or elsewhere.

Why?

The answer is simple: Because the lies being told about us are so ludicrous that anyone with an internet connection, rudimentary research skills, basic reading comprehension skills, a sufficient IQ, and even a modicum of logic/fairness could very quickly ascertain that what is being said about me and Dirt is completely untrue. Ergo, the liars and their sycophants are ALL revealing that their meanness and pettiness FAR outweigh their intelligence and common human decency.

Dirt’s and my true (Lesbian/female) identities have been revealed (long ago!), and both of our blogs plus our Twitter accounts are public, so everyone is welcome to do their own research to determine the veracity of the allegations.

In other words, anyone who is jumping on the BS bandwagon (either by simply blindly believing outright lies, or, even worse, contributing with additional lies) is not someone who I would want in my life anyway, even tangentially.

And everyone who continues to follow/support anyone who has said clearly mean-spirited, untrue, defamatory, insulting, hideous, and/or lesbophobic garbage about myself, Dirt, any of our friends, and/or Lesbians in general will be promptly blocked whenever I come across them.

Ditto for people who stand silently by and watch such debacles happen, while pretending to be supportive of us in private.

This is not a simple case of a “misunderstanding”; this is not even a case of an “argument” gone wrong.

No, this is a situation that involves outright lies of a defamatory nature; it’s a targeted attack designed to harass, insult, ostracize, discredit, defame, and harm myself and my wife.

And that is not okay by any stretch of the imagination, in any circumstance. Anyone with even the slightest iota of common decency would realize that, regardless of what you think about myself and/or Dirt…even if you HATE us:

It’s not okay to lie. It’s not okay to encourage others to attack; block; report; harass; defame; lie about (etc.) us (or anyone else, for that matter) based on such garbage.

And it’s also certainly not okay to insult our (or others’) physical appearances either. It’s not witty, it’s not decent, it’s not mature, it’s not smart, it’s not kind, and it’s most certainly NOT feminist. 

Do better. 

Even kindergarten students know that behavior is wrong.

You know that behavior is wrong.

Karma knows that behavior is wrong.

Both Dirt and I are resilient adults, and we are secure enough with ourselves to withstand such insults/lies (although, admittedly, it is certainly not pleasant to have to do so).

But: What if we weren’t resilient? What if we were young Lesbians, peer-pressured into believing the lies that we, as Lesbians, are “really male”? What if we were insecure, isolated, depressed, lonely, confused, and/or rejected by our families/communities for being Lesbians (as many Lesbians are)? What then? How would such a young Lesbian respond to the kind of bitter, venomous meanness and vile lies that we have been subjected to on Twitter?

Think about it. Just think about it. Please.

Here’s the (very obvious, already proven) thing: If anyone has an actual problem with either of us, or a question/concern they would like to approach us about, it is really easy to find us to reach out. When either of us is approached in a respectful manner, we always respond in a respectful manner. There are numerous examples of this fact, both public and private.

While both of us can admittedly be snarky, sarcastic, and/or even rude when we are treated with rudeness or disrespect, we have also both demonstrated repeatedly that we are willing to have respectful conversations about any of the topics we write/tweet about when we are approached directly and politely.

If you don’t believe me, look back at our tweets and replies to comments on our blog, which are all public. Or: Simply try it yourself to see how we respond.

Bottom line: Nobody needs to stoop to spreading lies and hatred…ever, for any reason. To do so says much more about the lying person’s (lack of) character than it says about any of her targets. I don’t want toxic people in my life and I don’t want any of their followers in my life either. So this is it for me. I would say “It’s been nice”, but I’d be lying, so I will just say “Goodbye” instead: Goodbye to meanness, goodbye to liars, goodbye to Straightbians, goodbye to hetsplainers, goodbye to hypocrites, goodbye to cowards, and goodbye to anyone who supports any of these in any way.

Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: Part 2: So Many ASSes

As a follow up to our previous post entitled Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: AKA the Seven ASSes, we wanted to follow up with 2 other subtypes of Straightbian, both of whom may likely have significant overlap with some of the previously described 7 subtypes.

Additionally, although this should go without saying, obviously it needs to be said anyway, based on comments we have received:

Of course, some just-plain-straight females (not Straightbian posers claiming to be Lesbian, but straight-up heterosexual females) may share characteristics that fall into one or more of these archetypes. That makes sense, since both just-plain-straight females and Straightbians share a VERY important characteristic: THEY ARE STRAIGHT, but always remember: we are never going to be talking about straight women unless they are impacting upon Lesbians in some way

So, before you comment, “I know a straight female who likes Tarot”, please stop and remember that unless she is a STRAIGHTBIAN, we are not talking about her, nor denying her existence. She is simply irrelevant to this topic.

So, without further ado, here are 2 follow-up ASSes to add to our previous Assorted STRAIGHTBIAN Subtypes:

8). White Picket Fence and 2 Children In The Suburbs Straightbian: The White Picket Fence (WPF) Straightbian just wants to fit in, to be “normal” (in the eyes of society), yet still retaining her Straightbian status due to her own pathology.

This Straightbian will say that there is absolutely no difference between herself and her soccer-mom neighbor, except who she is in a relationship with (and, actually, she is right about that…because they are BOTH STRAIGHT!).

“We’re all the same”, White Picket Fence loves to say, “Why label people?” Because “Love is Love”, after all! “We’re all human, why create all of these unnecessary divisions?”, WPF often thinks, shaking her perky head.

The White Picket Fence Straightbian loves this cup and carries it everywhere because, gosh darn it, we are all just HUMAN, now aren’t we?:

The White Picket Fence Straightbian cares very much about appearances and fitting in with society’s expectations.

She is in a relationship with another female (either another White Picket Fence Straightbian or a Lesbian who can pass as Straight) but, by golly, she and her partner are going to FIT IN OR BUST:

House in the suburbs? Check!
Golden Retriever? Check!
Volvo? Check!
Casually rumpled, but subtly elegant, decor? Check!
White wedding? Check!
2 adorable children? Check!
Picture-perfect holidays? Check!
Roth IRA and 401K? Check and Check!

On social media, she will call herself something like “just2mommies2kidsand1goldenretriever”. She will follow only others exactly like herself, “eschewing” any real Lesbians who point out that Lesbians are actually different than straight women. So darn divisive, those Lezzies are!

LOVE IS LOVE, after all…

White Picket Fence may be married to a female…

BUT she is not a Lesbian.

8a). Sunshine and Roses:

Relatedly, a sub-sub (-sub…?) type of the White Picket Fence is the Sunshine and Roses Straightbian, who is an emotionally-fragile straight female who uses relentless, sugary-sweet positivity to completely escape/avoid dealing with her own issues that have led her to mistakenly believe she is a “Lesbian“.

Sunshine and Roses was perhaps physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abused as a child; or at least likely had a very chaotic, disturbing home life while growing up. She likely has had very bad previous experiences/relationships with past boyfriend(s)/husband(s).

Sunshine and Roses is desperate to escape not only those bad situations, but also all of the heavy emotional baggage that she carries from those situations.

In fact, she has stuffed that baggage down so far that she actually mistakenly thinks she has left it behind.

On social media and in real life, Sunshine and Roses “eschews” all negativity and strives to keep herself forever insulated from real-world unpleasantness. Her social media posts are likely predominantly inspirational memes and/or cutesy GIFs and/or dreamy “Peace, Love, and Harmony” sentiments, and/or heartbroken laments about “Why is there so much strife in the world?”.

Sunshine and Roses may not even attempt to embark upon a relationship, preferring to call herself a “Lesbian” (or possibly “queer” or “LGBTQQIAAP+“) without the pesky reality of dealing with another fallible and not-always-positive human being. She lives in a fantasy world, perhaps fantasizing incessantly about an idealized version of a particular singer, actor, book, movie, TV show, author, etc. She may read or even write happy-ending fan fiction to erase the unpleasant reality of how an actual storyline turned out.

Sunshine and Roses is likely to unfollow or block anyone on social media who she perceives to be “negative” or “crass” or “unpleasant” in any way. She surrounds herself with beautiful objects and frantically attempts to create harmony in a world sadly lacking it.

Sunshine and Roses is not a bad person. In fact, she is typically a good person who has been dealt a very bad hand in life.

BUT she is not a Lesbian.

8b). The Urban Version of the White Picket Fence (WPF) STRAIGHTBIAN:

Like her suburban counterpart, the Urban WPF Straightbian just wants to fit in, but with a very different crowd.

The Urban WPF doesn’t want the actual white picket fence of her suburban counterpart’s dream…no, of course not, because that would be just too common for Urban.

No, the Urban Straightbian “eschews” the suburban lifestyle, wanting something more “edgy”, more “in”:

Renovated loft in an old cigar factory? Check!
Assorted popular Artists/Actors/Authors/Directors/Designers/Etc. as friends? Check!
Being the cool moms at the most exclusive private school available? Check!
Invitations to the most exclusive events in town? Check!
Season tickets to the local alternative theater? Check!
An amusingly pretentious Chilean chardonnay for the farm-to-table dinner party? Check!
Offspring named Jayden, Ayden, Cayden, or Brayden? Check!
Transgender child? Check!
Roth IRA and 401K? Check and Check!

The Urban Straightbian is popular with the liberal crowd, fitting right in with her liberal friends’ collective desire for diversity…

BUT she is not a Lesbian.

9). Mean-Spirited Unbalanced Faux-Feminist Yahoo (Muffy):

Muffy often overlaps with many/all of our previous 7 Assorted Straightbian Subtypes. In fact, Muffy has likely dabbled with playacting many of the subtypes at one point or another.

Muffy loves and uses social media with a vengeance. And “vengeance” is the key word here, because Muffy is one angry, hateful harpy. In fact, in her social media bios, she proudly claims to be a/an “angry, hairy Lesbian“, “man-hater”, “virago”, “shrew”, “Patriarchy-smasher”, “radical Lesbian“, “angry feminist“, “Lesbian separatist”, “woman-identified-woman” (or womyn or womon or wimmin or wimms…or any other ridiculous misspelling) and/or some similar descriptor.

On the surface, Muffy may seem to be the polar opposite of Sunshine and Roses, but these two subtypes share common denominators; the difference between them is exposed in how their underlying issues are expressed in opposite ways. Instead of internalizing/repressing her anger/angst (as Sunshine and Roses does), Muffy externalizes her rage, spewing her hatred outward in an incessant vomitous torrent, reminiscent of the pea-soup scene from The Exorcist.

Muffy doesn’t just wait for trouble to find her on social media; oh, no, not Muffy. She goes looking for trouble and when she doesn’t find it, she creates trouble.

Like a trigger-happy bounty hunter, Muffy is always on the hunt for people she finds offensive, and when she inevitably finds someone who dares to say something she disagrees with, she tries to blow that person away with her high-caliber nastiness.

In her quest to destroy her perceived enemy/enemies, Muffy completely “eschews” all logic, listening skills, and literacy, opting instead for sheer unadulterated, completely illogical, meanness.

No insult is too low nor off-limits for Muffy. Muffy hits below the belt and is proud of it.

Despite claiming to be a “feminist“, Muffy regularly insults other females’ looks, clothes, hair, makeup (or lack thereof), weight, age, marriage, choices, profession, ideas, words, work, etc., etc., etc. She calls Lesbians “men” without a single thought, nor care, in her venomous, vitriolic, vapid head about the potential effects of her words.

Muffy LOVES using inane memes/GIFs in the heat of battle, apparently not realizing that her memes/GIFs are as lame, illogical, nonsensical, and ineffectual as she herself is. She will then throw at least a few red herrings into the discussion, saying untrue things that make no sense whatsoever, and have nothing to do with the conversation at hand, but are intentionally designed to try to make the opponent(s) look bad and to distract from the fact that Muffy has no coherent argument. (Examples include falsely claiming that the perceived opponent(s) is/are: racist, sexist, misogynist, rape-apologist, perverted, pedophilic, etc.).

Finally, despite having deliberately sought out and started/continued the argument herself, and, despite having said absolutely false, defamatory, and despicable things to her opponent, Muffy then pretends to be the victim in the situation, falsely claiming that the other person is “bullying”, or even “stalking”, her. And Muffy is not above nor below using a fake suicide attempt to garner sympathy and support, thereby completely nullifying any further arguments.

She will then enlist other Muffys to attack, berate, harass, block, defame, exclude, and/or report her perceived opponent(s), while basking in the shallow, brittle “sisterhood” and feel-good-for-a-minute attention afforded from being The Perpetual Victim Of The Patriarchy.

Rinse and repeat, ad nauseum.

Muffy is one nasty, bitter piece of work.

BUT she is not a Lesbian.

In conclusion, while some Straightbians are clearly more dangerous to Lesbians in the individual sense, even Straightbians who partner with each other are dangerous to Lesbian as an idea. Straightbians are collectively responsible for taking the real flesh-and-blood Lesbian and turning us into nothing more than an idea which they, warped Het Women, flesh out through their own individual pathologies. Pathologies which the Psychiatric community has documented, diagnosed, and demonized for centuries. Pathologies ignorantly accepted by Het society as truth. Heterosexual Pathologies widely and readily, though incorrectly, attributed to actual Lesbians, haunting our relationships with family, friends, and even strangers, all with long held preconceived, wrong IDEAS forged by Straightbians!

But Lesbian isn’t an idea, we are flesh, blood, and bone.

Dirt and Mrs. Dirt

Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: AKA the Seven ASSes

Note: This is a joint post with Dirt, originally posted here.

We have written about Straightbians many times before, and we have even delineated some Lesbian Warning Signs You Might Be Dating A Straightbian and Portraits of a Straightbian, but we wanted to do a specific post about the seven primary specific Straightbian subtypes who, collectively, are the bane of Lesbian existence. There may be significant overlap between these subtypes, yet each of these Straightbian archetypes is easily recognizable as a discrete entity.


Without further ado, we present to you the seven main Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: (AKA the Seven ASSes):

1). The Woo-Woo Goddess: Everybody knows a Woo-Woo Goddess. She will read your tarot cards or your tea leaves. She is no stranger to runes, the I-Ching, unicorns, incense, herbal tea, soy candles, prisms, numerology, astrology, channeling, or rainbows. She speaks in awe of The Universe And Its Unknowable Mysteries. She wafts by in a voluminous dress, as if floating on a veritable cloud, smelling vaguely of Patchouli. She might be a massage therapist or Reiki master; or perhaps a Spoken Word Poet, frequently performing in indie coffee houses across our Great Mother Earth, typically accompanied by an acoustic guitarist playing folk music that always sounds suspiciously like Phoebe’s Smelly Cat. That is, when she is not attending the Drum Circle with her feminist group on the first Wednesday of the month, or her “Healing Crystals And You” support group at the local Raw Food Cafe on Tuesday evenings. She’s always been into Yoga but, lately, she has to admit Pilates is becoming a close contender. She recently heard about Rebirthing Breathwork Therapy from her psychic friend, Shamrock Clover, but sadly, she later discovered that it is just too expensive for her to do at the moment. But it’s certainly something to dream about in the future, though, because it would be sooooo very nice to reconnect viscerally, even if just for a fleeting moment, with her mother’s vagina, returning symbolically to the Great Cosmic Mother, if you will. She will just have to stick with Rolfing for now. Closely related to, and may overlap significantly with #2: The-Straightbian-in-the-Woods.

2). The-Straightbian-in-the-Woods: The-Straightbian-in-the-Woods is the stereotypical all-natural, organic, vegan Earth Mother. She picks her own mushrooms, sips wheatgrass smoothies, and presses her own cashew milk to pour over her hearty morning breakfasts of chunky granola, poured into her own handmade pottery bowl, fired right here in her very own kiln at The Farm, where she proudly hosts the annual “Womyn’s Week At The Farm” (AKA The Ye-Olde-Renaissance-Fair/Womyn’s-Music-Festival-At-The-Farm). She toyed with macrobiotics at one point, but found it to be a fleeting affair. She slips on her all-vegan Birkenstocks and sashays to the nearest pasture whenever the sudden need to howl at a full moon overtakes her, as it often does. She makes crafts out of pine cones, twigs, acorns, moss, feathers, rocks, and, when she is particularly reveling in her femaleness, her own period blood. Her favorite craft is the “Dream Catcher“, which she sells on her Etsy shop, despite the effect that shipping has on her carbon footprint. She tried making rainbow flags with dyes hand-crafted from fruits and vegetables, but sadly, the colors bled together and she was left with no alternative but to recycle them into tie-dye bandannas. She macrames and recently acquired a loom. She “eschews” shaving her armpits or legs, uses only rock salt deodorant, and, of course, uses an all-vegan menstrual cup, feeling that au-naturale is the only way to go. Clothes made of hemp are her staple, although she occasionally flirts with burlap. She may dabble in Wicca, sometimes casting a benign spell or two…for World Peace and Equality, of course, with some Prosperity thrown in for good measure. After all, Earth Mama needs her Ani DiFranco CDs, now doesn’t she? (They aren’t going to buy themselves, that’s for sure). She is a womon-identified-womon (or womyn or womin, depending on her mood and menstrual cycle), well, at least for now, and if she weren’t currently a Straightbian, she’d be giving birth (all-natural, naturellement) at this very moment, squatting in the shallow warmish natural creek in the bend by the old oak tree. Despite her current “identity” as a “Lesbian“, The-Straightbian-in-the-Woods intuitively senses that there’s still time to fulfill her true destiny: marrying a hippie-dippy pacifist liberal male in a sunshine-speckled field of daisies, then popping out plentiful progeny, who she will then proceed to “spoil” every year at their birthdays with her own special, homemade, hand-crafted, no-sugar, all-natural, all-organic, locally-produced, sustainably-sourced, non-GMO, fair-trade, vegan, raw-food, smelt/oat/raisin/hemp bars (in lieu of an actually tasty birthday cake). Closely related to, and may overlap significantly with #1: The Woo-Woo Goddess.

3). The Academic Straightbian Susie:  The Academic Straightbian Susie (AKA the biggest ASS of all) is the absolutely worst subtype of Straightbian. She knows absolutely nothing about Lesbians, yet, with shocking heterosexual privilege, nonetheless blithely publishes copious falsehoods about Lesbians without ever understanding the irony.  The Academic Straightbian Susie publishes alleged “Lesbian research” without ever having the basic common sense to realize that her subjects are NOT Lesbians, just as she herself is NOT Lesbian. Those pesky actual Lesbians need to shut up and let her speak for them, she thinks whenever she encounters actual facts which are contrary to her strongly held theories. After all, she is the one with the Ph.D. here! That should show them who knows more! For crying out loud, she’s almost-most-of-the-time-sometimes a Kinsey SIX! Forget about mentioning she’s been twice PUBLISHED in the prestigious Icelandic Journal of Queering the Gender Construction of InterSEXionality in PostModern Society, which is read by at least three whole people! What do blue-collar Lesbians know about their own lives anyway?  They are too busy actually being Lesbians to study such critical academic Lesbian topics as “political lesbianism” and “Queer Theory“. Certainly blue-collar dykes could NOT possibly know nearly as much about being a Lesbian as The Academic Straightbian Susie has learned by reading books/articles by other Academic Straightbian Susies and by conducting her very own academic “Lesbian focus groups“. She speaks haughtily, yet earnestly, of nonsensical concepts like “compulsory heterosexuality” and “gender theory” and “The Patriarchy“. She even uses terms like “intersectionality” and “eschew” with a straight face. She heartily subscribes to radical feminist theory and may even be a  well-known “pioneer” in the feminist movement. Some older Academic Straightbian Susies may bear a shocking resemblance to Maude (see #6, below). They “eschew femininity” (and men!) while incorrectly thinking that doing so makes them a Lesbian. The Academic Straightbian Susie, in summary, hetsplains Lesbian from her ivory tower with a bizarre, toxic mixture of arrogance and ignorance…never understanding, nor caring, how her multitudinous lies and delusions damage real Lesbian lives.

4).  The High Femme AKA The Queer Femme AKA Some Straightbian Idiot Wearing Kitten Heels: We have covered this territory before. (More than once). This Straightbian asshat is the one who most people mistakenly think of as a Femme. The High Femme won’t venture from her scarlet satin-filled abode without full makeup and perfect hair. She is meticulously groomed, shaved, moisturized, and perfumed at all times; always ready to tap her long, fire-engine-red fingernails in growing impatience when she doesn’t get her straight-privileged, demanding, whiny way. She may wear fishnet hose, miniskirts, and stilettos in the misguided notion that actual Lesbians will drool at the sight of her. She makes no secret about loving Victoria’s Secret. She is hypersexualized and attempts to use her hypersexuality as a weapon. She (mistakenly) believes that dykes think/act like males, and attempts to manipulate dykes with her hyperfeminine wiles. (Some naive dykes might even be flattered by her insincerities). She gives dykes back-handed “compliments” about how “manly” we are. In fact, she will even “support” a dyke into an early grave by encouraging her to transition. A subtype of the High/Queer Femme is the no-longer-body-oppressed Fat Femme (AKA The Fat Queer Femme).  Many FQF’s begin their Queer lives as Fag Hags, until they’re “eschewed” by their favorite Fag Brian after he gets a steady beau. Heart-broken but always hopeful, FQF’s survey their Queer landscape until they set their sights on a Dyke. Assured their Dyke prey will date them cuz Women ain’t like those subjective oppressive objectifying men! Dykes have to date Fat Grrls! Right? Regardless, Fat or Thin, make no mistake, this is a very sinister Straightbian. Underneath her perfectly coiffed exterior lies a twisted sister.

5).  The Very, Very, Incredibly Special Snowflake Straightbian: This Straightbian is so very, very, incredibly special…one might even say “precious”. Nobody in the history of humankind has matched her level of uniqueness. She strives to be different with every piercing, every tattoo, every mohawk (or, alternatively, dreadlocks), every rainbow hair dye, every body modification — often modifying herself into virtual unrecognizability from her real plain-Jane heterosexual self. This Straightbian didn’t feel loved as a child, and doesn’t love herself now, despite her frequent panicked protests to the contrary. Her social media bio reads like a liberal’s wet dream, sprinkled liberally with words like cis, queer, pansexual, aromantic, non-binary, “identify as…”, and they/them pronouns (or, perhaps she needs to be even MORE special with pronouns: maybe choosing ze/zir, or if she is feeling particularly frisky: tey/tem/ter). Despite her over-fondness for such descriptors, she “eschews” labeling herself. Labels are for losers, she thinks. People as special as she simply defy description! S/he/they/tey/ze live “outside the box”/”outside the binary”. So, she wouldn’t ever call herself a Lesbian nor even a Bisexual (because, Goddess Forbid, those monikers are just soooooo NOT “special” enough and may imply some sort of exclusivity), yet she qualifies as a Straightbian because she fucks with Lesbian lives in many and various ways; including, but not limited to, actual fucking. The Very, Very, Incredibly Special Snowflake Straightbian speaks of her “inclusivity” and “tolerance” and proclaims that mere frivolous things like biological sex/genitalia wouldn’t prevent her from exploring sexual relationships (Translation: If it moves, she will fuck it…Or, would at least claim she would be open to doing so). She may even get published in allegedly “Lesbian” publications, but most certainly NOT because she is a Lesbian…rather, because she is the opposite, the anti-“Lesbian“, the post-modern “Lesbian“, if you will. Some might say that she would be yesterday’s goth, but, gosh, goth is just so yesterday now, isn’t it? Gotta keep pushing those boundaries, don’tcha? Eventually, The Very, Very, Incredibly Special Snowflake Straightbian may even go where no Straightbian has gone before: In her ongoing quest for the final frontier of Specialdom, one day, she may become so very blindingly special that she will actually transcend human form in a final stunning blaze of glory; a Straightbian supernova of monumental proportions. Until that day, she will remain a wart on the ass of collective Lesbianism…but hey, at least she’s a very special wart.

6). The Midlife Menopause Maude (AKA The Triple M): The Midlife Menopause Maude is a late-comer to the Lesbian world. The Triple M has spent 2(+) decades married to a male, where she fulfilled her true heterosexual duty by popping out a couple of varmints. Now, menopause looms; her kids are in college; her husband, Richard (who “eschews” the nickname Dick) recently bought a red Corvette and is now casting his lecherous eyes upon his 20-year-old administrative assistant named Alex; and The Triple M feels her eggs shriveling up inside her more quickly than a Shrinky Dink in a toaster oven. She now casts a disparaging eye around her now-barren world and realizes there’s got to be more to life. Heck, she’s still semi-young. 50 is the new 30, right? Right? She used to be interesting!  She used to have her own apartment in the city! She was going to be a writer, wasn’t she? Or maybe an artist. Mixed-media, of course: using found objects, upcycled into collages, to be shown at a nice little wine-and-cheese gathering at the local art gallery on a brisk February evening. What happened? Where did all of the years go? When did she stop being a person and turn into a wifen-mommy? She knows the answer: It’s The Patriarchy who is at fault. The Patriarchy sucked the life right out of her, then spit her out, just when she was no longer juicy. Fuck The Patriarchy! Fuck ALL Men! Who needs men anyway? They can’t even find the damn ketchup in the refrigerator, for Christ’s sake, when it’s right there on the door, beside the mustard and the relish, where it’s always been. Men are disgusting anyway, aren’t they? Didn’t Richard scratch his hairy ass on her brand-new Ethan Allen sofa while watching Monday night football and eating nachos just last week? The Triple M isn’t going to stand for it anymore. She can do better than this. She should do better that this. But what? How will she ever escape from the hum-drum drudgery that her so-called life has become? Oh, snap! That’s it!  How did she not see it before? She can “become a Lesbian”!  Didn’t she just read an article in Cosmo about how “sexuality is fluid” and how many straight women are now “coming out” and finding true love with another female in their 40’s and 50’s?  Well, she did take a shower that one time with her college roommate. Granted, it was a large communal shower at a youth hostel in Italy during her junior-year summer abroad, but that counts, doesn’t it?  Maybe she was a Lesbian all along! Yes, that’s it! For sure! With straight-privilege fully intact, the Triple M barrels headlong into “becoming a Lesbian“. She reads and reads and reads, books and articles by Academic Straightbian Susies. She joins Twitter and proceeds to tell actual Lesbians how they should be Lesbians. She cuts her hair and throws out her high heels. She burns her bra. She “eschews” make-up because SHE WILL NO LONGER SUPPORT THE PATRIARCHY. Well, maybe a little mascara and lipstick sometimes, but that’s it. No more blush or creamy foundation for her! No, sir. There’s no need for that wrinkle cream that costs $285 for a mere ounce anymore either, now that she is thinking about it. She will EMBRACE her wrinkles. She is a Proud Crone now. Heck, she will even dare to wear purple! That will show The Patriarchy who’s boss now. She will make The Patriarchy her little bitch by “becoming a Lesbian“. “Hahahahahahaha”, she cackles in an increasingly hysterical tone, “hahahahahahaha”!

7). The Engineer: This Straightbian might not be an actual engineer, but she could have been. Should have been. Even if she doesn’t engineer as a career, she engineers as a way of life. She is logical, organized, and efficient. She runs a tight ship. She likes to be in control of the money in the relationship, because, after all, let’s face it, she would always do a better job at it than that actual Lesbian she lives with. In fact, the Lesbian she lives with is downright careless with money, consistently ordering the chicken walnut salad at Panera Bread when it’s so obvious she should have brought her own chicken and walnuts along in reusable ziploc bags to garnish a plain side salad, thereby saving an average of $4.23 plus tax per salad per trip! (Duh!). The Engineer Straightbian says she likes animals, but the truth is, she likes the thought of animals and the attention she gets for having pets, but not the actual daily upkeep of said animals. Too messy and inefficient for her taste, if the truth be known. This type of Straightbian often actually mistakenly at some point believes she is a Lesbian; because, after all, she has been different than her female peers ever since she can remember. She never was a “silly little girl”; she never ran around in circles and squealed like a banshee like her peers. She never went “boy crazy” in adolescence either, preferring chemistry or calculus. She naturally “eschewed” makeup, because: why spend money on such frivolous items? Seriously, just think about it: if she took that $143.18 that her girlfriends spend, on average, on a single trip to Ulta, she could invest it in a sensible municipal bond and pretty soon, she would be on her way to early retirement. So, when she heard the Lesbian narrative of “always feeling different”, she thought, “Huh. Maybe that’s me”. Sure, she still notices a handsome male, and she may even make off-handed comments to her puzzled Lesbian partner about it: “That weather guy on Channel 4 is such a handsome fellow, isn’t he? I bet he would make a really good husband“. Her mother always tells her that she isn’t really a Lesbian, that she just thinks she is because of what her “Uncle” Edmund did to her in the closet during her 4th birthday party, but she doesn’t listen. Her mother clearly doesn’t know what the Hell she is talking about. She LOVES her Lesbian partner, after all…doesn’t she? Well, they never have sex anymore, and they barely ever had sex, even when they first met, but that doesn’t matter, does it? Of course, she occasionally uses her sleeping Lesbian partner’s hand to masturbate with, but she’s not sure that would count as “sex”, since her partner is always unconscious at the time. Anyhow, having mutual sex just isn’t a priority; there are so many other factors in a relationship, after all. They have plenty else in common. They play video games together, for instance. That’s fun, isn’t it? And her Lesbian partner does drive her all over town on Saturdays to pick up craft materials, so there’s that. They have a good life, she tells herself, a busy life. And: So what if all of her girlfriends are having babies while her biological clock is tick-tick-ticking away, an ominous ever-present metronome in the background of her seemingly perfect Lesbian life? Let her friends change those poopie diapers. The money she is secretly socking away from the Lesbian’s paychecks, combined with all the money she is NOT spending on such nonsense as diapers and Legos, will definitely put her on the path to early retirement. Then she’ll have much more time to spend watching that handsome weather guy. Heck, by that time, he will probably be the anchor on the evening news. She just knows he would make a good husband…

dirt and Mrs. Dirt