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The Price of Truth

Since Dirt and I started speaking out about Straightbians and the multiple ways in which they harm Lesbian lives, we have both received numerous emails and private messages thanking us for speaking out. 

Sadly, though, the majority of our private supporters do not have the courage to say so in public. 

As just one example, here is what one person said to me privately, versus what she later said publicly: 

Private


Public:

Well, I know that it is difficult for some Lesbians to come out of the closet, but that issue has nothing whatsoever to do with Straightbians.  (You either are, or are not, a Lesbian, and if you are, you aren’t a Straightbian…zero overlap). 

I wish I could say such a gap between private versus public behavior was limited to this one person, but, alas, it is not. 

It seems that the price for speaking the truth is too costly for most people. 

For me, truth trumps popularity.  I won’t lie in order to be popular and tell people what they WANT to hear. 

The truth is: Any woman cannot just magically “become a Lesbian”, and all the wishful thinking and denial in the world won’t change that simple fact. 

PS: You may be wondering why I am bringing this up. Well, the answer is simple: It is because I am frustrated  and burned out with fighting with straight women on Twitter over what it means to be a Lesbian, while knowing that other (real) Lesbians agree, but nonetheless won’t publicly support the (very) few of us who are willing to speak out.  

Everyday Lesbophobia and How It Harms Lesbians Every Day

As anyone who reads my blog and/or follows me on Twitter already knows that I have been angry lately. Very angry. Heck, let’s just be honest here, I am still angry now.

I am angry at all of the Lesbophobia I see everywhere online and in real life, both overt and covert. I am angry at false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers.

I am angry that nobody but a handful of fellow Lesbians seems to even notice, or care, that Lesbians are being thrown under the proverbial bus left and right.

As of this morning, I became aware of another feeling existing along with the anger:

Sadness.

Sadness is a much less comfortable feeling for me than anger. With anger, I feel “in control”, powerful. With sadness, I feel helpless.

As much as I don’t want to feel sadness, darn it…there it is.

It turns out, underlying my anger and defiance, there is something else lurking much deeper which I am not even fully consciously aware of yet myself. Something that I cannot fully articulate yet; something that I am just now beginning to see the fuzzy outline of through a thick fog of anger.

For some time now, I have been gradually coming to an uneasy realization of the increasingly obvious fact that Lesbians are ultimately on our own. I have been very resistant to this knowledge, because I don’t want to believe it.

I have about a zillion screencaps which would starkly illustrate my points about false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers and the lesbophobia they perpetuate.

But I won’t post those screencaps in this post, because this post is not about proving my point…interestingly and ironically, their own comments prove the very points Dirt and I are making.

Anybody who wants to see specific examples of truly appalling anti-Lesbian sentiments can peruse my Twitter timeline/replies (and the subtweets about myself, Dirt, and other Lesbians) to see the hatred, nastiness, pettiness, and sheer meanness directed at me, Dirt, other specific Lesbians, and/or Lesbians in general.

Instead, this post is about the direct and indirect toll of such lesbophobia on Lesbian lives.

Here is just a small sample of the many possible ways that anti-Lesbian actions/comments take on Lesbians, every second of every minute of every hour of every day FOR OUR WHOLE LIVES:

  • Feeling alone;
  • Feeling misunderstood;
  • Feeling attacked;
  • Feeling sickened, physically and/or emotionally;
  • Feeling chronically angry;
  • Feeling the need to constantly defend ourselves, our partners, and other Lesbians;
  • Feeling hesitant to speak up because it means facing a whole crowd of opponents;
  • Feeling invalidated;
  • Feeling invisible;
  • Feeling anxious;
  • Feeling outnumbered;
  • Feeling different;
  • Feeling hypervigilant;
  • Feeling exhausted from all of the ongoing effort;
  • Feeling a new wave of disappointment every single time someone else lets us down;
  • Feeling offended/invalidated when outsiders tell us to “be nice” or when they try to make us mediate/get along with Lesbian-hating bigots (think about it: would they ask Black people to be nice to the KKK, or Jewish people to be nice to Hitler???!!!);
  • And last on this partial list, but certainly not least: Feeling sad.

I have decided that it’s okay to feel sad today. It’s okay for myself and other Lesbians to feel any/all of the things listed above…and more…because ALL of those feelings are COMPLETELY NORMAL REACTIONS to living in a world in which the BEST case scenario is that we will never be fully understood/accepted and in which the WORST case scenario is that we are murdered, raped, beaten, fired, denied housing/employment/etc., and/or otherwise harmed for simply being who we are.

And my message to all of the false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers (and to all of the simpering sidekicks) who are harming Lesbians with your copious bullshit: Karma is a bitch and she sees what you are doing.

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Image: Used under license with Shutterstock.

“Sexuality is Fluid”: The Great Big Hoax

NOTE: This is a follow-up to Dirt’s post, With Lesbians Like Sue Perkins, Who Needs Enemies?!

Lately, it seems that you can’t swing a cat (Public Service Announcement: PLEASE DON’T SWING CATS, PEOPLE!) without hitting an article or interview where somebody or other is saying that “Sexuality is fluid.”

You’ll notice, however, that it is always FEMALE sexuality to which these articles/interviews are referring; it’s quite unlikely that Men’s Health magazine will ever come out with an article about the best techniques for sucking dick.

Hmmmm…why is that? There are likely many reasons, but I believe that the main one is that females/Lesbians are routinely hypersexualized, and the idea of watching so-called “Lesbian” sex often appeals to straight men. However, the very same men would quite likely be freaked out by the thought of having sex with a man. Therefore, the myth that female sexuality is “fluid” is appealing and persists, while male sexuality remains “static” in the public’s mind.

It is especially disappointing to me when a famous Lesbian makes such a erroneous and damaging claim. Dirt wrote about such a situation here, in which one of my favorite comedians, Sue Perkins, who starred in the hilariously quirky Lesbian-trying-to-come-out-of-the-closet sitcom Heading Out, said in an interview that “sexuality is fluid”.

In Sue P‘s case, I think a combination of internalized homophobia and a desire to fit in with the currently in-vogue “queer” crowd, along with parroting the nonsensical storylines of Straightbians, are major driving factors in such a spurious claim. However, I don’t know her, so I can only guess as to her motivation(s).

Well, let’s all just think about the whole “sexuality is fluid” claim for a moment, shall we?

First of all, the correct term is ORIENTATION, NOT SEXUALITY. Being a Lesbian is NOT all about sex, and to reduce our entire lives, our very being, to “having sex” is both incorrect and insulting. We are always Lesbian, regardless of whether we even ever have sex.

Secondly, if orientation were really “fluid”, there would be no reason to “come out of the closet”, would there, Sue P.? Everyone would just “flow” back and forth, willy-nilly, including the very parents that you had to “come out” to, Sue! Why would anyone have to “come out” if there were no true orientation to begin with, since everyone would be “fluid”? Why are there heterosexuals and homosexuals in the world?

Think, Sue, THINK!

The (incredibly obvious!) answer here lies in the difference between Behavior Versus Orientation.

As an example of behavior versus orientation:

Anybody could have sex with anybody (Behavior), but a female having sex (or even a long-term relationship) with another female does NOT magically make her a Lesbian.

You either are a Lesbian (Orientation), or you are not.

Later-in-life Lesbians (those who initially date/marry men, before coming out later) were never straight to begin with; so their orientation is NOT “fluid”; they just did not act upon their true orientation for a variety of possible reasons (family, society, religion, internalized homophobia, peer pressure, etc.).

Here’s the thing:

Behavior is changeable. Orientation is NOT changeable.

BehaviorVsOrientation

So, whenever you see the claim that “sexuality is fluid”, I beg you to remember this formula:

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation!!!!!!!!!!!

As for Sue Perkins, I still believe that she is hilarious and talented and I truly wish her all the best, but she really needs to stop towing the “queer” party line and start telling the truth…not just for the sake of her Lesbian fans, but, ultimately, for her own sake.

Do Femmes Wear Lipstick?

Since I published “Femmes: Facts Versus Fiction” just yesterday, I have received several comments/emails along the lines of:

“But I wear lipstick”

“But my Butch pumps my gas for me”

“But I like kitten heels!”

“Maybe you’re not a Femme yourself”

etc.

Just to clarify, I didn’t say/mean that Femmes NEVER wear lipstick/makeup or get dressed up ~ the answer is: we may or may not, depending on the setting/situation and personal preference. I wear lipstick myself sometimes, particularly to work.

Regarding duties, etc., what I actually said/meant was:

Fact

The point is: Femmes are NOT “performing gender”. We aren’t play-acting or mimicking straight women. We aren’t primping and preening incessantly. We are more practical than that. While we may choose to “dress up” if the occasion calls for it and if we feel like it, we don’t feel the need to constantly prance around the world like a runway model. We wouldn’t put vanity over safety.

Here’s an example: Years ago, I took a Lesbo cruise to Alaska, and went on a group hike one day. It was over (fairly) rough terrain…in other words, it wasn’t a simple stroll on a neat concrete path. Everyone, including me, wore hiking boots, as allegedly required by the hiking guide…except for one purported “femme” Straightbian who wore…get ready for it…KITTEN HEELS (and a miniskirt)! Yes, it’s unbelievable, but…there she was. If I’d been the guide, I would have refused to take her, but it was not my call. So, this beautiful but helpless creature tottered dangerously throughout the hike, needing constant assistance. Even her girlfriend looked annoyed. I never saw Ms. Kitten Heels again, but I would bet anything that she MARRIED A MAN and is likely driving a soccer-mom van.

Also: Of course, there’s nothing wrong with dividing duties with your partner in whatever way it works best for both of you. So, there may be some instances where one partner primarily pumps the gas or one partner primarily does the grocery shopping (or whatever).

But what I was trying to say is that many people incorrectly think that Butch/Femme couples divide up the duties based on the perceived “Butchness” or “Femmeness” of the duty itself, and that perception is simply not true. For example, Dirt does most of the cooking, and I do most of the bill-paying. I drive an old truck and Dirt drives a car. I would be willing to bet that most people would not guess those things.

The main point that I was trying to make is that Femmes are NOT helpless, hapless, frilly, little goofballs who are dependent on a Butch or anyone else to help/save/rescue us. Femmes are Lesbians, and we function as Lesbians. We know how to take care of ourselves, and we have been fending off wannabe male suitors successfully ever since…well, forever.

Our relationships with our Butch partners are straightforward and equal. There is no straight-wannabe playacting nor any false dichotomy of “the strong one” and “the weak one”. We are both strong. We are both Lesbians.

Femme: Facts Versus Fiction

I have written before about being a Femme Lesbian, here and here.  But there is so much misinformation about us, the topic deserves much more attention.

This handy-dandy little guide is intended to be a start to separating the facts about being a Femme from the numerous fictional assumptions about us.

********************

Fiction: “Femme is an ‘identity’ that can be adopted by anyone who chooses it (Straightbians, males, any mid-range dyke who wears lipstick occasionally….whoever); Femmes are attracted to and partner with anyone (other Femmes, random dykes, men….whoever).”

Fact: Femmes are Lesbians who are oriented to and partner with Butch Lesbians. Femme is not an “identity” that can be simply chosen by anyone; you either are a Femme, or you are not. (Ditto re: Lesbian).

********************

Fiction: “Femme is a ‘performance of gender’; a cartoonish mockery of every femme fatale in every second rate movie since the beginning of time.”

femmefatale

Femme Fatale: Pixabay/darksouls1: CC0 Public Domain

Fact: Femmes are simply being ourselves…we were born this way. We are not “performing” gender (nor anything else, for that matter). We are not actresses in the play of life, and it’s offensive when people assume who we are is an act.

********************

Fiction: “Femmes and Butches are mimicking heterosexuality.”

Fact: We are not mimicking anything. We are being ourselves…who we are born as. Again, who we are is not an “act” or a “performance”. We aren’t heterosexual, we aren’t mimicking heterosexuality, and we don’t want to mimic heterosexuality.  There is nothing straight about us; Butches and Femmes are 100 percent Lesbian. Thank goodness.

********************

Fiction: “Femmes are fluffy-headed sexy helpless dependent little minxes who wouldn’t be seen in public without full makeup & dress/heels/etc.; Femmes depend on their Butch to take care of them.”

Fact: Real femmes are strong, outspoken, independent, and equal in our relationships our Butch partners. We are capable of “cleaning up nicely” if an occasion calls for it; but we dress practically on an everyday basis, and we dress appropriately for an activity.  We don’t wear stilettos to Walmart. We don’t wear kitten heels to hike the Alaskan wilderness. Unless there is some sort of physical limitation that would preclude us from doing so, Femmes can, and do, pump our own gas, carry our own groceries, open our own jars, pay our own bills, and competently handle the dude at the 7-Eleven who asks for a date.

Heads-Up: If you ever see an alleged “Femme” mincing around in high heels, donning makeup constantly, giggling helplessly, afraid to break a nail, while her Dyke partner does everything for her in a “manly”, swaggering sort of way, rest assured that you are witnessing a Dyke/Straightbian partnership…NOT a Butch/Femme one.

********************

Fiction: “Femmes are really straight women who have ‘chosen to be a Lesbian’.”

Fact: There is no such thing as “choosing to be a Lesbian”. You either are one, or you are not. Same thing with being Femme. Femmes are Lesbians who are born Femme Lesbians. Period. There’s nothing straight about us. Don’t confuse Femmes with Straightbians.

********************

This post is not meant to be a comprehensive list of all of the fictional assumptions about Femmes, but rather, it’s just a basic starting point to address a few of the main incorrect beliefs.

Please also refer to Hekate’s blog, Genuine Femme, which addresses similar topics.

If you can think of more blatant falsehoods, or if you ever have any questions about Femmes, Butches, Butch/Femme relationships, or Lesbians in general, as always, please feel free to comment on any post or email me at sayebennett@gmail.com. More on this topic later…

Hymn to a Hetsplainer

Last night, I received a comment that didn’t get published, but I realized that it needs to be addressed, because I believe the wanna-be commenter likely echoes the feelings/thoughts of a lot of women who Dirt and I have been writing about and arguing with lately.

As some background, the situation started on Dirt’s blog with this post/comments, and led to this post/comments.

When Dirt refused to publish some of her comments due her insistence on linking to a particular “gender critical mom” blog, despite being asked not to, she moseyed over here, apparently in the hopes that I would publish her comment including links to said blog.

Sorry, but no. (Will explain further below).

My first instinct was to simply publish the comment and proceed to rip our wanna-be commenter a new one. After all, her rude, and vaguely threatening, comment is riding on the coattails of numerous arrogant hetsplainers who seem to think they know more about Lesbians than actual Lesbians.

To put it simply, I am completely fed up and the gloves have come off, especially in the last few weeks.

nnnl

So, anyway, I was angry, tired, and hungry when I read her wanna-be comment, but wisely (well, at least THIS time, LOL!) followed my own advice and walked away to consider how best to deal with the situation before responding.

I woke up this morning less angry and decided to proceed with a bit more compassion, especially after I saw this tweet.

So this post will address this wanna-be commenter‘s statements, without linking to said blog, and without identifying the commenter.

(Side Note: Heads-up regarding internet safety: Within minutes of receiving this woman’s comment, I was able to ascertain her full name, age, phone number, home address, previous address, email address, LinkedIn profile, place of employment, IP address, Facebook account, etc. I will not publish that information, but I do retain such information when I receive either vaguely or overtly threatening comments/emails. Just be aware that if I can find out all of this information, other people who may not be so considerate can also do it. Be safe, folks.)

Without further ado, here are her comments & my replies: 

1). Comment:

“Based on my personal observations, not only does dirt hate straight women with a vengeance, she hates lifelong lesbians who challenge her particular political views, or question anything she says. If this website is for lesbians, then I should have a right to speak. If LESBIAN. TRUTH. means anything, then let me speak.

As a professional psychologist, I don’t imagine it looks good for your professional career to be associated with a woman who makes these kind of vulgar irrational comments online. See a few examples below.”

My Reply: 

As I have written before, neither Dirt nor I hate straight women.  This commenter, along with many others, is apparently mistaking very direct communication with “hate”.  The two are not the same thing. Even when Dirt and I are rude (and yes, I know we can be), it does not equate to “hate”.

Furthermore, I don’t have to let ANYONE speak; this is my blog and I can, and do, choose what comments get published. If you want to speak unfettered by concerns about whether someone else will publish whatever you want to say, the simple solution is to get your own blog.

Also, the term “lifelong lesbian” is debatable (I will write more on this below).

Most importantly, though, out of this section, the last part sounds vaguely like a threat to my professional status. Perhaps it is not intended that way, but when dealing with angry people, I always have to be alert to such things.

Here’s the thing with her last statement (“I don’t imagine it looks good for your professional career to be associated with a woman…” ~ meaning Dirt, of course):

The United States is a democracy…well, at least it still is for now. Freedom of speech is still allowed in my country…and yes, that right to speak freely even includes psychologists.

It’s neither unethical nor illegal for me to state my opinion on a variety of topics. I never have, and never would, do anything unethical or harmful, and to imply that I have or would is both incorrect and libelous.

In fact, spirited debate about a variety of topics is a healthy part of most professions, including psychology; as well as being a cornerstone of democracy itself.

The most interesting thing about the latter part of this comment is the implication that I should be held accountable for not only my own actions/statements, but also those of my wife.

Um…no. It is not my job to police my wife’s words/actions; I am her wife, not her keeper. Dirt is a fully functioning adult who can, and does, speak/act for herself. So am I. Healthy relationships are not codependent or controlling.

2). Comment:

“Why would people get the impression that dirt and Saye hate straight people? Gee, it couldn’t have anything to do with all the obscene and vulgar “STRAIGHTBIAN/Het Woman, Miss STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK” rants that dirt often uses on her blog. Dirt even calls lifelong lesbians who point out some of the ridiculous statements she says on her blog, “STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK”. It’s a fact that dirt did call a woman she incorrectly assumed was straight, ‘Miss STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK”. No, this doesn’t mean dirt hates straight people. And, these are some of the nicer comments. All we have to do is read some of dirt’s comments.

I have to admit that as a lifelong lesbian who has never had sex with a male in my entire life that I’m no expert on straight people. Straight people have always confused me. Most of the time I feel out of place around them. Frankly, I’ve never quite understood heterosexuals, and I’ve never been attracted to males on sexual basis. Ever. Not even once. I love women physically, sexually, and emotionally. I love women from the depths of my soul. Having said this, I don’t hate heterosexuals. In fact, as lesbians we need educated heterosexual as allies.”

My Reply:

Dirt has never pretended to be Miss Manners; if you want Miss Manners, you are looking at the wrong blog.

As noted above, very direct, even rude, language does not equal “hate”. I can see why this would be somewhat puzzling to some people, but there is an important distinction between the two.

Regarding the “lifelong lesbian” portion of this comment, being with women and/or NOT being with men does not necessarily equate to being a Lesbian.

Behavior does not equal orientation. So: a woman can be with another woman for 50 years, but that does not necessarily mean she is a Lesbian.

Conversely, a “later-in-life” Lesbian can marry a man and perhaps even stay married for years, but that doesn’t mean she is straight; because if a woman is truly a Lesbian, she was NEVER straight, no matter how long she was with a man.

Once more in the off-chance that it will finally sink in:

Behavior ≠ Orientation!

Being a Lesbian is much more than who we f**k, or even whether we f**k. Lesbians process information and communicate differently than straight females. And I must say, our wanna-be commenter does NOT act/think/communicate like a Lesbian.

Finally, the comment “as lesbians we need educated heterosexual as allies” shows that the wanna-be commenter is unaware of the sad fact that Lesbians are on our own.

Our seeming “allies” are often shockingly lesbophobic, in both subtle (example: ignoring Lesbian comments, while enthusiastically responding to heterosexuals and Straightbians) and not-so-subtle (example: calling us offensive terms such as gender non-conforming or gender-defiant, which incorrectly implies that Lesbians are willfully defying societal norms).

And those are just a couple of examples.

3). Comment:

Note: This portion is redacted because of the wanna-be commenter‘s insistence on cramming the “gender critical mom’s” blog down our throats, against our will, despite the fact we have made it clear that we feel that such blogs are NOT true Lesbian allies.

The wanna-be commenter goes on to give an example posted on said blog which (allegedly) refutes Dirt’s (correct!) assertion that males who are transitioning are NOT coercing Lesbians into sex with them.

I won’t belabor that particular point again here, since Dirt has already covered it more than once, except to say that I have no doubt that there are males out there who are attempting to coerce females into sexual situations with them.

However, Lesbians are not the ones falling for it. Here’s your first clue, Sherlock: Lesbians don’t do dick.

The problem is, the example given by our wanna-be commenter does NOT, in fact, refute Dirt’s statement.

The example was based on a post by an self-described “detransitioned Butch Lesbian” on said redacted blog. Part of this example included this self-identified “detransitioned Butch Lesbian” revealing that she’d sent nude pics to not just one, but TWO (!?), males, having contacted them herself after seeing these 2 dillweeds posting about being “horny + suicidal”, and how only nude pics would make them feel better.

Um. Wow. How can I say this as nicely as possible?

First and foremost, any adults (regardless of who they are or how they “identify”) who are eliciting/accepting nude pics from any minor need to face severe consequences for their actions.

And any 16-year-old female who seeks out such predatory males herself and proceeds to send them nude pics needs sympathy, empathy, and professional help to examine the reasons why such a bizarre thing happened not just once, but TWICE (!?), and how to prevent it from happening in the future.

But would a LESBIAN do any of that? No.

Actually: Not just no, BUT HELL NO.

Lesbians don’t seek out males of any sort, nor do we send them nude pics of ourselves. Think about it.

Additionally, someone willing to send nude pics is obviously NOT dysphoric.  Think about it.

So, what does our wanna-be commenter‘s example prove? It certainly does NOT prove what she hoped it would.

All it proves is that our gender-critical straight “allies” don’t have a single clue what the meaning of either “Lesbian” or “Dysphoria” is, and continue to pimp out even more misinformation about Lesbian lives, all in the name of “helping” us.

Thanks, but NO THANKS.

4). Comment:

“This (Note: ‘this’ is referring to example discussed above regarding the nude pics) is happening to vulnerable young lesbians, and dirt doesn’t want to hear it. Nothing in this article makes me believe that this young woman is straight. Tomboys who would have grown up to be proud butch lesbians are being harmed.

This is how dirt describes the courageous young woman in this article posted on (REDACTED BLOG). To me, the young woman in the article sounds like a young lesbian who just got caught up in the trans craze. Young women feel intense pressure to identify as trans/queer/nonbinary, and this young woman says there is pressure on young lesbians to date transwomen, or be seen as transphobic. This young woman is now in a romantic relationship with a woman. She is just one of thousands of young lesbians who got sucked into the trans craze.

Dirt says,

“Her proof that Dykes are being duped into dick is a (clearly mentally screwed Het Trans Female) who now and I fucking quote IDENTIFIES as lesbian! Oh WOW! Yeah Mrs Dirt and I are so convinced by this we too are feeling pressured to dick lick! N O T!!!”

(source: http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2017/06/unstraightening-straight-lies-about.html)

I don’t have any problem with my sexuality, and I don’t care if dirt insults me. Why would dirt insult the courageous and well informed mother who runs (REDACTED BLOG)? Why would dirt insult the young woman in the (REDACTED BLOG) article? To me, this article sounds like a confused young lesbian who got caught up in the trans.”

(NOTE: What follows is several more links from said REDACTED BLOG and comments about how we should LOVE said REDACTED BLOG. Needless to say, I am not going to post all that rhetoric. Let’s just say our wanna-be commenter seems sooooo intent on crawling up this blogger’s butt, we would normally suspect she is a proctologist, but we know she’s not from her LinkedIn profile.)

My Reply:

Again, as I noted above, the example given most certainly does NOT sound remotely like Lesbian behavior, plus the words “identify as a Lesbian” raise a huge red flag of NON-Lesbian status.  (Lesbian is NOT something to “identify as”…you either are, or you’re not, and actual Lesbians know that).

What part of sending nude pics to males is unclear to our wanna-be commenter? “Nothing to suggest she is straight”, huh? Really?

Furthermore, neither Dirt nor I have ever said that Lesbians, young or otherwise, aren’t feeling tremendous pressure to transition and pressure in other ways as well.

QUITE THE OPPOSITE, in fact.

(HELLO!! Anybody home? Knock-knock, reality is calling!)…

Dirt has been writing about these very issues for approximately a DECADE now. She was writing about the pressures on Lesbians long, long, LONG before this new posse of so-called “gender-critical” hets even noticed the trans trend, but in typical straight-privileged fashion, decided that THEY were the experts on the topic, giving ZERO credit to the Lesbians, especially Dirt, who had been voicing the very same concerns, and MORE, for YEARS. Years.

Shaking my head.

Is that the behavior of true allies? No, it is most certainly NOT.

5). Comment:

“I’m a lifelong lesbian who has never had sex with a man, and this is how dirt describes me. I’m a lesbian, and this made me cry. This insult is the worst possible insult to say to any lesbian. It was so over the top offensive. This is the way dirt attacks lesbians who have different opinions, or challenges some of her articles.

‘This comment by Miss STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK is an vain attempt at proof she is a Lesbian by describing a litany of known STRAIGHTBIAN behaviours. Lesbian to her is about who you share your pussy with, not whats between your ears. Again, neither Mrs Dirt nor myself have ever said not diddling dick equals Dyke. Plenty O STRAIGHTBIANS have long term relationships with Women and Lesbians, but if you are N O T a Dyke in the womb, you are N O T a Dyke PERIOD!!!

….Clearly Miss I-kissed-a-man-on-the-phone-and-I-liked-it, you thought wrong about me/this blog! If a Woman wrote to me for legitimate help (and many have), of course I would do what was in my power to help them. But this blog and its intentions have/are/and will ALWAYS remain for LESBIANS/ABOUT LESBIANS, not Het Females (regardless of their trans state).

Miss I-flunked-out-of-elementary-school knows what she’s talkin ’bout cuz she spoke to a man pretending to be a Lesbian on a Lesbian dating site where she (Het Woman) was pretending to be a Lesbian!’

(source: http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/2017/06/unstraightening-straight-lies-about.html)

I graduated from the University of California, one of the most respected institutions in the US, and dirt says I’m, ‘Miss I-flunked-out-of-elementary-school’. It’s a miracle that my uneducated mind can even string together a few sentences. So, please forgive my ignorance.”

My Reply:

My first thought is that I can think of about 20 insults, just off the top of my head, that are worse than that, but I will spare us all that list since my intention is honestly NOT to make anyone cry.

My second thought is that both Dirt and I receive insults, even threats, on a regular basis, that are much worse than “Straight-To-The-Next-Dick”, so I have to admit that I am genuinely puzzled why that particular statement would be sooooo upsetting.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect anyone to be happy about it, but I actually cannot imagine being moved to tears over a stranger’s verbal sparring.

My other thought is that neither Dirt nor I “attack someone for having different opinions” nor do we attack all of those that “challenge” us. (If we did, it would be a 24-hour-a-day job).

We do, however, routinely call out people who we feel are misrepresenting Lesbian lives and we do address the myriad ways in which Lesbian is continually bastardized, which is most certainly NOT a simple “difference of opinion”.

6). Comment:

“For the sake of argument, let’s say I’m not a lesbian. Apparently, only dirt and Saye know what lesbian means. I know I’m lesbian, and people who are secure in their sexuality don’t feel the need to explain themselves. At any rate, if I were heterosexual, which I clearly am not, dirt’s incoherent and especially mean spirited rants are proof that dirt has some serious issues with heterosexuals. I mean some serious underlying issues. Dirt and Saye want all of us to believe that calling a woman who they incorrectly perceive as straight, ‘Miss STRAIGHTOTHENEXTDICK’ is not being disrespectful to heterosexuals. Please, get some help for dirt. Aren’t you supposed to be a psychologist?”

My reply:

I’m not “supposed to be a psychologist“, I AM a psychologist. However, to clarify, once again: the huge bulk of the writing I do is speaking as a LESBIAN, not as a psychologist. When I am writing as a psychologist, I am careful to say so.

Regardless, yes, Dirt and I are indeed saying that many, both past and present, who have claimed to be Lesbians are NOT actually Lesbians. And yes, we do know the difference; it is usually quite clear by such data as statements they make (such as “being a Lesbian is a choice” ~  when a real Lesbian would know it’s not). The non-Lesbians we wrote about in the Unstraightening Lesbian series have a huge body of public statements from which to analyze. Plus, there’s a little thing called gaydar.

We didn’t ask our wanna-be commenter to verify her orientation, but for some unknown reason, she seems determined to try to convince us.  As she herself says here, why would anyone feel the need to continue to try to explain herself (as she herself clearly does)? Doth she protest too much?

Also, what Dirt is saying is only “incoherent” to our wanna-be commenter, who clearly doesn’t speak Lesbian.

Finally, and most importantly, our wanna-be commenter is very wrong about her statement that Dirt needs help.

And, yes, I AM saying that both as a psychologist and a Lesbian.

The only “help” Dirt needs is for individuals such as our wanna-be commenter to stop talking long enough to listen; to stop arguing long enough to THINK.

Unless our wanna-be commenter can arrange for that, I must now bid her a not-so-fond adieu.

Well, That’s Queer

Every time I hear or see the word “Queer”, I involuntarily flinch. This word has become one of the banes of Lesbian existence, as it is used as a catch-all term to denote pretty much every Special Snowflake from here to San Francisco. Well, mainly San Francisco, but geography is irrelevant to my point. My point is, the use of the word “queer” has come to mean anything from any random individual with more piercings than common sense to the pro-pedophile freak Pat(rick) Califia.

As I have said before, Lesbian is not “Queer” and “Queer” is not Lesbian, and never the twain shall meet.

I remember hearing “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!” being shouted in Pride marches of yore. I didn’t mind the word then, because “queer” was being used to reclaim a slur that had been used against us. Quite simply, “queer” didn’t mean what it does now…and in that context, it certainly wasn’t being used to erase Lesbian reality in that context as the “queers” of today are seeking to do.

As my readers know, Dirt and I are quite outspoken about our thoughts and feelings on the on-going bastardization of the meaning of the word Lesbian. We are also very outspoken on the fact that there is no LGBTTQQIAAP+++ community.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I was asked to read/review a book called “Hashtag Queer: Lgbtq+ Creative Anthology (Book 1)“. In fact, I hesitated before accepting, because, believe it or not, I actually don’t enjoy controversy, arguments, and/or negativity.  I truly WISH we all were one big happy community frolicking hither and yon in peaceful harmony.  However, as much as I may wish for harmony and community, the stark fact is: reality always trumps feel-good naivete.

So I held my breath when downloading the copy they sent me, even feeling a little queasy with anxiety. However, despite my apprehension, I admit that I hoped that, amidst all the queer, perhaps a tad of Lesbian would peek through.

Sadly, I found most of it to be completely unrecognizable to me as a Lesbian.

Let’s just take a gander at just a couple of examples, shall we?

1). “How Jac Twist’d Turned You” by Emma Munro starts with:

“Jac Twist’d is staring and it is annoying. He is both female, femme, and Drag Kinging…”

And ends with:

“You now feel powerful in red heels and red lacquered nails, with your bosom sweetly strangled in a corset and a dildo dangling between your legs. Jac and you take the straight and bend it into shape. Any shape.”

2). “The Flip Side of Coming Out” by Eva M. Schlesinger starts with:

“I had just arrived at the coffeehouse, when I ran into an old friend. ‘What’s new?’ Kate asked. ‘I’m now partnered with a man,’ I said…I came out as a lesbian when I was nineteen…Being a lesbian made sense. I was certain a relationship with a woman would soon follow. Instead, I fell in love with a man.”

And ends with:

“I remembered running into another lesbian friend at the grocery store. She, too, had asked, ‘What’s new?’ Glancing at the cashiers, I turned back to her warm gaze. ‘I’m now partnered with a man.’ I held my breath, wondering what would happen next. I was surprised when she said, ‘I have felt that yearning myself.‘”

3). “I Like Dick” by Maddie Godfrey starts with:

“I like dick, Big dick, small dick, medium dick, I like dick that is thin and dick that is thick…”

And ends with:

“and maybe this is why I enjoy being choked during sex those gasps for air, like the feeling of drowning it almost reminds me, of her”

(To be fair, I should note that at least Maddie Godfrey states that she is a “straight-presenting bisexual” in this entry, so at least she doesn’t call her love of dick “Lesbian”. Thank goodness for small favors, huh?).

My point is: None of these entries are Lesbian. None of these entries are anything a Lesbian can even relate to.

Once again, Lesbian is hidden under the oppressive umbrella of queer.

This phenomenon is nothing new or shocking; in fact, it’s par for the proverbial course…but it is still disappointing nonetheless. I have said this before, and I will say it again, us Ls need to remove ourselves from the never-ending LGBT+++ acronym; in fact, we already are not a part of it except for our initial.

My feeling about this anthology is that it’s fine if you are interested in reading a variety of “queer” poems, essays, and stories without any expectation whatsoever of getting an accurate representation of Lesbian lives.

But if you are looking for an accurate representation of Lesbian lives through fiction, poetry, essays, or even non-fiction, I wish you luck, because a snowball has a better chance of surviving in Hell than Lesbian truth has in a queer anthology.

I’m not saying that this anthology itself was terrible; in fact, many entries were interesting, well-written, and heartfelt. They just weren’t Lesbian, which is my sole focus.

The only entry that I felt any true empathy or kinship with was “Presence and Absence” by Laury A. Egan; this was a moving poem about the mourning of the dying/death of a long-term partner. I felt that this piece was written in such a way that it is universally relatable.

In fact, a particular quote from “Presence and Absence” reminds me of how I feel about the on-going loss of Lesbian truth (although the speaker is referring to a now-deceased partner). Therefore, I think the quote is a fitting way to end this post:

“I want the nothing
that remains to become
something again
for the lost
to be found
transformed from empty air to real”