Homophobic Threats? Bring It On

Check out this lovely (not!) tweet (which was in reply to Dirt’s tweet about a ridiculous comment she received via the Contact Form regarding her recent post, How Lesbian Became The Vehicle For Radical Feminist Anger):

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(The Jolly Green Tweeter promptly deleted this tweet, likely because she belatedly realized that she had made herself appear to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal, but we easily recovered it, thanks to the magic of technology).

Here is the eloquent, scintillating (hahaha!) comment to which she refers:

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Examples like both of these prove the very points that Dirt and I are making:

Not only are heterosexual (alleged) “feminists” often not willing to listen to Lesbians speaking frankly about OUR OWN EXPERIENCE; but they are also frequently outright hostile and terribly homophobic in their responses.

See Dirt’s post about the same topic, here.

I have just a couple of things to say to this green-faced shrew (and anyone else like her):

1). Thanks for proving our points for us, cupcake(s).

2). If you think that threatening my wife (or myself) is a good idea, BRING IT ON.  We’ll see what happens. Spoiler alert: You will wish you hadn’t.

3). Keep on commenting, folks; because, with every wannabe insult, you are showing your true hateful, homophobic colors and Lesbians who mistakenly think you are our allies will eventually see the light.

It’s Neither Radical Nor Feminist To Hijack “Lesbian”

My sweetie Dirt wrote a post yesterday entitled “How Lesbian Became the Vehicle for Radical Feminist Anger“.  Please read her post, here, first, because this post is intended as a supplement.

Dirt’s post deals with how Radical Feminists appropriated “Lesbian” and falsely used “Lesbian” as a vehicle to express their own anger toward men/patriarchy.

Analyzing the RadFem definition of “Lesbian” (“What is a lesbian? A lesbian is the rage of all women condensed to the point of explosion.”), it should be incredibly obvious to anyone with an IQ higher than mayonnaise that the so-called “Radicalesbians” who wrote the misguided and male-obsessed treatise “The Woman Identified Woman” (and their gung-ho disciples) were/are neither Radical nor Lesbian.

These angry straight women decided, in typical straight-privileged fashion, that they were unhappy with the status-quo regarding men/patriarchy, but instead of directly and effectively taking action to actually change their relationships with men and/or to dismantle patriarchy in any systematic or useful fashion, they chose to cowardly retreat from battle, using their contrived camouflage of “Lesbian” as a way to hide from and avoid the true issues.

Under the guise of “sisterhood“, these straight women proceeded to do the least “sisterly” thing possible:  they proceeded to steamroll over real Lesbians in every way possible, and continue to do so even today.

Ironically, these same purported “Lesbian feminists” are the very same individuals who are arguing incessantly that males cannot become females simply by saying so…yet, somehow, they fail to comprehend the irony that they are doing the very same thing: claiming to be something they are not, while arrogantly expecting to be automatically believed and welcomed with open arms.

Real Lesbians were (and still are) an inconvenient truth in these faux “Lesbians’” alleged “feminism“.

We insist on pointing out the pesky truth that the prevalent myth that “any woman can be a Lesbian” is an outright lie. We point out that arguing with men all day, every day on Twitter  or elsewhere isn’t actually taking constructive action. We repeatedly point out that Lesbians are not “angry man-haters”; that being Lesbian is not a choice; and that every woman who says she is a Lesbian is not actually a Lesbian.

In short, we are raining on their parade and they don’t like it.

Here’s the thing: It is not “radical” to run from the true issues and hide behind a mask. It is not “radical” to appropriate “Lesbian” because you are too scared to stand up for your rights as a straight woman. And it’s certainly not “feminist” to harm real Lesbians with your nonsense.

So, instead of “Radical Feminist Lesbians“, a more apt title would be “Cowardly Straight Females”.

What would be truly “radical” for these straight females to do would be to constructively find ways to gain and maintain power in their heterosexual relationships and to actually address societal inequities in a methodical and effective fashion.

These faux “Lesbian feminists” can unfollow or block Dirt and me; they can call us “scary” or “dangerous” or “bullies” or “mind-controllers” or any other name; they can attempt to discredit us; and they can continue proclaiming to the top of their lungs that all it takes to be a Lesbian is to simply claim to be one.

But no matter how loud they scream or how vehement their protests against what Dirt and I are saying, the truth remains the same:

Wherever you go, there you are.

And for these false “Lesbian feminists“, they are still stuck in the same place they were in 1970: still arguing with/about males under the false guise of “Lesbian“.

It’s way past time to stop of being stuck that rut, don’t you think?

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Image: By Joost J. Bakker from IJmuiden CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0) via Wikimedia Commons

 

The Difference Between Passive-Aggressive and Just Plain Aggressive

Recently, a commenter has been trolling my sweetie Dirt‘s blog, seemingly for the sole purpose of making condescending and/or argumentative comments.

When I said something directly to this individual, she responded by saying I was “passive-aggressive” (here is a small sampling of our interaction, you can see the whole thing at the link):

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Not only is it annoying that this individual thinks that I am the passive-aggressive one, but, more importantly, it is incorrect.

Responding directly is not passive-aggressive…no, I was just plain aggressive:Image 1

Heads-up: When you troll my wife’s (or my) blog and, instead of trying to have an actual discussion of the topic, you decide instead to make snarky, rude, hostile, argumentative, hetsplaining, homophobic, and/or petty comments, don’t be surprised when I (or Dirt) get aggressive. NOT passive-aggressive….no, just plain aggressive.

I’m not going to indirectly communicate with such a person, I am going to tell that person very directly what I think (AKA I behave as a Lesbian).  And, in this particular case, I believe that this person is intentionally being a dick, so I responded in the same tone as the commenter.

I used to try to reason with rude people like that; I used to remain polite…but no more. If someone wants to have an honest, polite conversation, fine…but if the sole goal seems to be to insult either Dirt or me, then the gloves are off.

If you’re going to accuse me of something, at least get it right. Was I being condescending to this person in my replies?  For sure. Was I rude? Oh, heck yeah. But was I passive-aggressive? Nope. It pays to learn the difference.

The Sad Truth About The Depths of Homophobia

Yesterday, my sweetie Dirt published a post about the pervasive hatred of homosexuals. Please read her post, here, first.

As Dirt mentioned in her post, we recently watched the 1996 film “Twilight of the Golds”. I had never seen it before, and although I am (sort of) glad I saw it, because it was so illuminating, I have to admit that part of me wishes that I hadn’t seen it because it is still haunting me days later.

To give a brief overview of the film, the storyline focuses on a family: parents and 2 adult children. One sibling is female, heterosexual, and married, while the other (David) is male, gay, and in a long-term relationship.

Early on, it becomes obvious that the parents have a problem with the gay son: his partner has NEVER been included in family get-togethers, and, in one particularly horrifying scene, when the sister takes a bite of food from her brother, the mother snaps at her to not eat after him.

At this point in the movie, I was already angry: why was David still even in contact with these homophobes?

But, as it turns out, what was to come was much, much worse.

The straight married sister learns she is pregnant, and her husband is a genetic researcher who has found a way to identify homosexuality in fetuses with a high degree of accuracy.

(I am sure you can already see where this is going…).

After learning that there is a very high chance that the baby will be “like David”, the sister, who has seemed to be a supportive and loving ally to David up until this point, finds herself seriously considering whether she will abort the baby. (Meanwhile, her parents and husband clearly want her to).

I won’t give away what happens in the movie, but suffice it to say that David is heartbroken when he finds out that his sister would even consider killing her baby simply because it is likely to be gay, and that his parents would agree with that decision.

Although I am certainly aware of the prevalence of homophobia/lesbophobia, have experienced it myself, and have known many who have been rejected by their families/communities, for some reason, this movie was a huge, unwelcome wake-up call.

It is bad enough to know that gays/lesbians are disapproved of, criticized, misunderstood, rejected, bashed, demonized, and ultimately on our own, but it is truly terrifying to realize that, if given the chance to identify and abort us, many of those who we currently consider to be our “loved ones” would likely have killed us before we ever got a chance to live.

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Image: PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Because, even though I know it was just a movie, I realized with chilling certainty that this scenario could happen. No, correction: Not “could happen“, let’s just be honest: We all know that it actually would actually happen if scientists were to ever find a definitive and testable cause.

Those who would choose to abort us would rationalize that they are doing “the best thing”: “Why bring a baby into the world who is going to face a lifetime of challenges and prejudice?”, they would say, self-righteously, perhaps a bit defensively. “Since we can now prevent that kind of pain, we should”, they would say with satisfaction, never understanding the irony that the attitude/hatred/homophobia that led to their twisted idea that gays/lesbians would be “better off dead” is the very cause of the pain they (allegedly) wish to spare us from.

Lesbian Lives Matter

The following are just a small sample of recent responses to Dirt’s and my Lesbian pride-type and Straightbian-type tweets/comments/posts:

  • “I don’t see the need to label myself/anybody.”
  • “We’re all just people.”
  • “Surely ALL lives matter…”
  • “I’m just me; I don’t label myself as a Lesbian and don’t think you should limit/label yourself either.”
  • “People are more alike than different.”
  • “Views like this just cause further divide…”
  • “I’m very similar to many of my straight friends; why label myself?”
  • “I don’t feel the need to constantly define myself as a lesbian because I would still be the same person regardless of my sexuality.”
  • “Labels hurt people.”
  • “Why does who I’m attracted to have to make me ‘different’?”
  • “We should all move forward together. Not back into the dark ages of in-fighting” (in reference to in-fighting within the so-called LGBT++++ community)
  • “I’m just me. I’m more than my sexual orientation.”
  • “The only difference between me and my neighbor is I sleep next to a woman…”
  • “Sexuality is fluid; people can’t/shouldn’t be labelled.”
  • “I don’t want to label myself…I’m human.”

There are many, many more examples, but I think you get the idea.

There’s just one problem with this line of thinking: It’s utterly ridiculous.

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Image: PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Well, technically, maybe it’s not completely wrong. After all, it is not wrong in the sense that we all are indeed human; because (of course…well, um…duh!!) we are. That fact has never been in question. Lesbians, like everybody else, have much in common with our fellow humans: we eat, we work, we try to stay healthy, we have friends and family and furry companions we care deeply about, we feel love and loss and hope and fear and every other emotion known to humankind, and we are mortal; just to name a few universally human traits.

Instead, what I mean is that this line of thinking is wrong (and ridiculous) in the sense of any attempt to lump all humans together into one huge amorphous blob is not only incorrect, it is damaging to everyone, including Lesbians.

And since Lesbians are my only focus, this post will cover how this “Surely All Lives Matter — We Are All One — We Are Just Like Everyone Else (Etc.)” mentality harms us specifically.

This pathetic attempt at forced assimilation denies our Lesbian uniqueness, encourages us to deny our own true nature in order to attempt to “blend in” with society, and further contributes to Lesbian invisibility.

Saying “but surely ALL lives matter” when Dirt and I are specifically trying to stand up for Lesbian rights and attempting to address uniquely Lesbian issues is just as offensive to Lesbians as tweeting #AllLivesMatter is to the #BlackLivesMatter movement.

Sure, it’s true that all lives do matter, but by saying that in response to our specific points/concerns regarding Lesbian lives, is a transparent way to minimize and deny what we are saying. It is a way to try to shut us up. It is a way to attempt to make us feel guilty for prioritizing Lesbian needs before anyone else’s.  It’s a way of saying “Lesbians Be NICE!

Whenever any group expresses concerns which are specific to them, it is both obnoxious and dismissive to immediately jump to a “but all lives matter/we’re all just alike” attitude.

It is especially offensive when people are replying “But ALL Lives Matter!” in regard to Straightbians. Straightbians have a long history of messing up Lesbian lives, in a myriad of ways ranging from breaking our hearts to spreading misinformation about us to even encouraging us to transition, and they continue to do so every single day.

Dirt and I are not advocating for harm or denial of rights to anyone, including Straightbians, but we sure as heck aren’t going to put Lesbian lives on the back burner in order to kiss Straightbian butt either. (That’s already being done by almost everyone else). Plus, Straightbians already have straight privilege, and they wield it like the weapon it is against Lesbians all the time. So they are on their own, they are not our circus.

Here’s the thing: Lesbians are different. We are still persecuted for this fact, each and every day. Anyone who is a Lesbian, or even anyone who knows Lesbians well, knows this fact, and those who are denying it are clearly not Lesbians or allies themselves.

Stop denying Lesbian existence. Stop minimizing our valid concerns. Stop trying to shut us up. Stop trying to force us to assimilate. Just…stop.

With Friends Like That, Who Needs Enemies?

Recently, I have been seeing posts and memes on Facebook, calling for unity and/or wishing for simpler times, when videos of cats doing silly things were the most serious things you’d see on your Facebook feed.

I do understand the wishes to keep Facebook light & fun and free of politics. I wish that were the case too.

But the current administration makes that impossible; I am afraid those days are gone, perhaps forever. We are living in a new world now.

Why? Because when you realize that your cousin (or uncle, brother, aunt, sister, friend, neighbor, coworker) supports the Trump administration, an administration which actively promotes hate, intolerance, injustice, discrimination, and untruth, you realize that there is no way you can remain friends with that person.

Because with “friends” like that, who needs enemies?

How Much Sex Is “Normal”?: A “Dear Lesbian” Question

I just received an anonymous comment on my Lesbian Bed Death post, and since I think others may have the same questions/concerns, this comment will be the subject of today’s “Dear Lesbian” post.

Here is the comment:

The comments about happy couples still having sex after years worry me. I am a 45 year old lesbian. My girlfriend of 3 years never wants to have sex. Well, maybe not never, but hardly ever. Maybe like once every 3 months if I am lucky. I have been assuming it was lesbian bed death, but now I am worried. Does this mean my girlfriend is a Straightbian?

Without any further details, I am going to have to speak very generally, but first of all, I want to stress that there is no “normal” amount of sex to have.

What is “too much” for one person may be “too little” for another. Some people might want to have sex once a day, others once a week, others once a month, others once a year, others the 12th of never. (And any variation thereof).

While there is no “right” and “wrong” amount of desire for an individual, things can get tricky when we partner with another person, because one partner’s preference for frequency of sex may differ significantly from the other’s.

Ideally, couples will be (at least mostly) compatible regarding desire for frequency of intimacy, but sometimes, one partner will want to have sex much more frequently than the other, and when there is a big discrepancy, that is a really tough position to be in, for both partners.

This situation can happen with heterosexual or gay male couples too; so this issue is definitely not limited to Lesbian couples.

Bottom line: It’s impossible to say whether or not this person’s partner is a Straightbian, and it’s really not my place to do so anyway.

It is unclear whether the sex is still good when it does occur, or whether there has been a sudden and/or significant change at some point. Those are questions that the commenter will need to consider herself.

There are many non-Straightbian-related factors that can potentially decrease a woman’s sexual desire, including, but not limited to: thyroid dysfunction, parathyroid issues, chronic fatigue, chronic illness, chronic pain, stress, overwhelming responsibilities, perimenopause/menopause, post-hysterectomy issues, body image issues, grief, surgical recovery, hormonal issues, relationship issues, mental health concerns, etc.

And since so many issues can potentially inhibit sexual desire, it’s not always easy figuring out the cause(s).

As difficult as it will be, if the discrepancy in sexual desire is an issue (and it sounds like it is indeed a concern for this reader), the only way to start is by having a kind and supportive, but frank, conversation about the situation, approaching the issue directly but sensitively.

But don’t just assume that if your partner doesn’t want to have frequent sex that it must mean she’s a Straightbian. The discrepancy in desire may be caused a variety of other issues, and those answers can only be determined by the individuals involved, using good communication/problem-solving skills, and seeking professional help if needed (while also using our Lesbian intuition at the same time).

Hope this helps explain further, and as always, please let me know if you have any questions or comments.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This blog is NOT intended to be professional advice, nor to substitute for the advice of a licensed professional. The reader should consult with an appropriate professional regarding all mental health needs.