Tag Archive | Hetsplaining

There Is No Such Thing As A “Former Lesbian”

If we had a nickel for every time we’ve heard a variation the phrase “used to be a Lesbian” or “former Lesbian”, Dirt and I could quit our day jobs.

Just think about it, there are tons of examples in everyday life, in TV shows, in movies, in books (etc.) where an allegedLesbian” ends up with a man.  (“Alleged” is the key word here, obviously).

Let’s review just a few examples of (so-called) “former Lesbians“:

1). Susan Ross, George Costanza’s ill-fated fiance on Seinfeld: When George learned that his ex-girlfriend, Susan, was dating a woman named Mona, he made a joke that he had “turned her Lesbian”. Then (of course, predictably) Susan and George reunited. To make matters even worse, Mona fell for Kramer, even though the character had allegedly never expressed interest in men before. (Offensive).

2). Orange is the New Black’s Piper Chapman:  In the Season 1 official trailer, at approximately .36-.37 seconds, Piper’s mom asks “You were a lesbian?” and Piper (sitting with her MALE fiance) replies “At the time”. (Ugh).

3). The turd from my last post. (Yuck).

4). Susie Bright. (Barf).

5). JoAnn Loulan. (Loathsome).

6). Every Straightbian who has allegedly eschewed “Lesbianism” to embrace Christianity, such as Turd #3, above, as well as others of her ignorant ilk, like Rosario Butterfield.  (Repugnant).

A couple quick Google searches for “used to be a lesbian” and “former lesbian” showed that there are many, many, MANY hits:

UsedToBeALesbian

Former LesbianThe problem is: There is no such thing. You are being lied to. These people are insulting your intelligence.

And: not only is this pervasive lie offensive to, and erasing of, real Lesbians…but it is also downright dangerous because it gives the VERY false idea that being a Lesbian is just a choice which (POOF!!) magically can be changed on a mere whim, the whiff of a penis, and/or the discovery of a deity.

Once again, behavior does not equal orientation.  Any woman can enter into a same-sex relationship (or just have sex with another woman), BUT any woman cannot magically become a Lesbian. It doesn’t matter whether a relationship between a straight woman and another woman lasts 50 minutes or 50 years, a straight woman will never be a Lesbian, and a Lesbian can never be a straight woman.

The truth actually stunningly simple: Whenever you hear that somebody “used to be a Lesbian” or is a “former Lesbian”, you know you are dealing with total bullshit. You’ll know that the very special snowflake somebody in question is a Straightbian.  Bottom Line: This person never was a Lesbian to begin with.

The end.

Once A Straightbian…Always A Problem

I had an unsettling experience on Facebook last night that sadly, but clearly, reinforced my sweetie Dirt‘s motto that “If you aren’t us, you’re against us“.

Without identifying anyone, here is a brief summary of the debacle that unfolded:

One of my Facebook friends posted an article/comment about how conversion therapy is horrible.

So far, so good, right? Right.

That is, until one of her Facebook friends, who I don’t know (and who I certainly don’t want to know!), decided to put her 2-cents in.

Although I don’t know this individual, I do know her type…all-too-well.

Straightbian!

Except in this particular case, this individual asshole has now eschewed her Straightbian ways (of harming Lesbian lives) to become a born-again, holy-rollin’, bible-thumpin’, holier-than-thou, know-it-all, married-to-an-man, “Christian” (still harming Lesbian lives).

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

I purposefully did not screencap the conversation, out of respect for my Facebook friend.

And I’ve honestly tried to just let it go, but the truth is: this incident has been bothering me ever since it happened.

What, exactly, was so upsetting? It took me a while to put my finger on it, but I think I finally have now.

It wasn’t that this boneheaded bozo believes that conversion therapy is possible/desirable, nor that she thinks that being a Lesbian is somehow related to porn (huh??),  nor that she incorrectly thinks sexuality is fluid, nor that she thinks all Lesbians will burn in eternal Hell. (Although it is indeed upsetting that anyone could be that asinine).

After all, what would I expect from a Straightbian-Special-Snowflake-Type-Turned-Religious-Proselytizer? Complete and utter nonsense, that’s what. Consider the source.

This inanity is just one of this fool’s anti-Gay/Lesbian FB posts:Image 3

In another FB post, our DICKgusting debutante referred to Lesbian relationships as “broken people” having “aberrant sex”. There are not enough words in the English language to describe my feelings toward this person for saying that, but “disdain”, “contempt”, and “hatred” seem like a good start.

Bitch

No, it wasn’t the fact that this evil assclown spouts her offensive and uninformed opinions.

(Just so there’s no confusion, here’s a sample of what is wrong with her assumptions: There’s no such thing as being “lesbian-identified” because you either are or you are not; there’s no such thing as “fluidity of attraction”; Lesbians are not “broken” nor do we “need healing”; our love is NOT “aberrant sex”; and furthermore, BEING A LESBIAN IS NOT A F**KING CHOICE, YOU DIMWITTED BUFFOON).

Instead: What upset me then, and still upsets me now, is that my friend would even be remotely friendly, much less be friends, with someone like this nincompoop.

What upsets me is that, instead of telling this dickweed to take a proverbial long walk off a short pier, my friend actually seemed worried about me and Dirt offending this piece-of-shit Straightbian’s delicate “Christian” sensibilities.

(Guess it’s okay for Straightbian-Sally to insult us, though, and even deny our very existence).

What upsets me is finding out that my friend “liked” the FB post where Lesbian lives were referred to “broken people” having “aberrant sex”. To add insult to injury, the article linked in that post was shocking right-wing anti-Lesbian propaganda.

There’s nothing to “like” about that post. Or that person.

Once again, I (re)learned the lesson that Lesbians are on our own.

Maybe, just maybe, I will remember it this time.

“Dirt Is A Failed Transman”: The Urban Myth

I have written before, here, about how the urban myth that Dirt is a “failed transman” persists like a demented zombie in a low-budget horror film.

What I didn’t fully address, though, is WHY this myth is so prevalent.  I did mention that the people perpetrating this falsehood are so trapped in their own gender-straitjacketed notions that they simply cannot conceptualize the fact that Dirt is a LESBIAN, nor do they understand that Lesbian is NORMAL, but I didn’t elaborate further on the underlying causes of this tedious rumor.

But the exact WHY is crucial, and needs to be addressed directly.

Therefore, Dirt did her own post on this topic (link here).

I have also copied and pasted her post below, because I strongly feel that it is important to address the root of this prevalent lie.

So, without further ado, here is Dirt’s response, in her own words:

As not simply someone who has written about Lesbians and transition for more than a decade, BUT as a Lesbian writing about Lesbians and transition, to assuage transgender fears and prejudices, in transgender circles the world over it has become urban myth that I myself have “tried to transition” but sadly “failed“. I’m not quite sure how one would fail, apparently the myth making never got beyond fail, but there you have it. “Dirt is a failed transman.”

A little something about myths:

As there is ZERO facts/truths to me having transitioned/detransitioned/tried transitioning/tried and failed transition, what would be the analogy which motivates these falsehoods? Outside of the zillions of petty little self soothing needs/motivations that spring from the individual, there are two prime reasons for the Dirt is a Failed Transman Myth:

  1. Lesbian has been removed from Lesbians.
  2. If Lesbians don’t exist beyond RadFem anyonecanchoosetobealesbian warped ideology and gender nonconforming confirms transgender origins, then normal Lesbians MUST surely be Trans, even if we fail at it.
Myth doesn’t hide things, it distorts them.”

Prior to Transgender ideology being commonplace, Lesbians like myself were often viewed/called and bashed with phases like mannish lesbians, lesbians who want to be men, lesbians who really are men, lesbians who act like men, masculine lesbians to list a few. Insults all couched in the swaddling cozy comfort of Heterosexuality.

But also prior to Trans Trending, even prior to the DSM III, Gays and Lesbians found comfort in finding other Gays and Lesbians. We didnt feel threatened by other Gays and Lesbians, instead for many of us we felt for the first time what it felt like to BE normal! To KNOW we were normal. NORMAL Homosexuals! NOT freaks of nature! NOT sick mother fuckers who shall burn in hell! NOT Gender Non Conforming! And most certainly NOT Transgender!

How do myths get created?

Between un-signifying Lesbian and inventing signifiers for Transgender from the ashes of Lesbian, Transgender has suddenly ALWAYS existed in human history. So much so, the once Lesbian tropes used by Lesbians (and Gays) as both survival instincts and mating instincts alike, are being used to back label historical Gays and Lesbians as Transgenders of history!

In my case, Heterocentric qualifiers/traits like mannish looking, acts like a man, masculine, handsome (rather than cute or beautiful), wears mens clothes, keeps a short or cropped hair cut, passes as a man etc, with Lesbian removed from history and with me being qualified as man/nish BUT also being a biological female—queers special snowflakes/Transgenders of both sexes/Trans cohorts and allies of both sexes conclude that I’m a transgender who failed at transitioning because I remain calling myself by my sex (female)/and my sex’s proper (she/her) pronouns. And from thence, myth!

I’m not a failed transman because I am, I’m a failed transman because some people need me to be.

dirt

Homophobic Threats? Bring It On

Check out this lovely (not!) tweet (which was in reply to Dirt’s tweet about a ridiculous comment she received via the Contact Form regarding her recent post, How Lesbian Became The Vehicle For Radical Feminist Anger):

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(The Jolly Green Tweeter promptly deleted this tweet, likely because she belatedly realized that she had made herself appear to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal, but we easily recovered it, thanks to the magic of technology).

Here is the eloquent, scintillating (hahaha!) comment to which she refers:

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Examples like both of these prove the very points that Dirt and I are making:

Not only are heterosexual (alleged) “feminists” often not willing to listen to Lesbians speaking frankly about OUR OWN EXPERIENCE; but they are also frequently outright hostile and terribly homophobic in their responses.

See Dirt’s post about the same topic, here.

I have just a couple of things to say to this green-faced shrew (and anyone else like her):

1). Thanks for proving our points for us, cupcake(s).

2). If you think that threatening my wife (or myself) is a good idea, BRING IT ON.  We’ll see what happens. Spoiler alert: You will wish you hadn’t.

3). Keep on commenting, folks; because, with every wannabe insult, you are showing your true hateful, homophobic colors and Lesbians who mistakenly think you are our allies will eventually see the light.

The Difference Between Passive-Aggressive and Just Plain Aggressive

Recently, a commenter has been trolling my sweetie Dirt‘s blog, seemingly for the sole purpose of making condescending and/or argumentative comments.

When I said something directly to this individual, she responded by saying I was “passive-aggressive” (here is a small sampling of our interaction, you can see the whole thing at the link):

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Not only is it annoying that this individual thinks that I am the passive-aggressive one, but, more importantly, it is incorrect.

Responding directly is not passive-aggressive…no, I was just plain aggressive:Image 1

Heads-up: When you troll my wife’s (or my) blog and, instead of trying to have an actual discussion of the topic, you decide instead to make snarky, rude, hostile, argumentative, hetsplaining, homophobic, and/or petty comments, don’t be surprised when I (or Dirt) get aggressive. NOT passive-aggressive….no, just plain aggressive.

I’m not going to indirectly communicate with such a person, I am going to tell that person very directly what I think (AKA I behave as a Lesbian).  And, in this particular case, I believe that this person is intentionally being a dick, so I responded in the same tone as the commenter.

I used to try to reason with rude people like that; I used to remain polite…but no more. If someone wants to have an honest, polite conversation, fine…but if the sole goal seems to be to insult either Dirt or me, then the gloves are off.

If you’re going to accuse me of something, at least get it right. Was I being condescending to this person in my replies?  For sure. Was I rude? Oh, heck yeah. But was I passive-aggressive? Nope. It pays to learn the difference.

Unstraightening Lesbian: The Sex Edition!

Approximately a week or two ago, the Kindle Edition of the The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (2nd edition) by Felice Newman was on sale ($1.99), so I thought “What the heck?” and bought it.

I already suspected this book was yet another buttload of crap (pun semi-intended) because of Dirt’s and my earlier research into many (so-called) lesbian experts (who are neither lesbian nor expert) Susie Bright and Shar Rednour, among others.

After reading it, I sadly came to the conclusion that IMHO, the book is indeed total crap.

Actually, to say this book is “total crap” is unnecessarily complimentary. This book would have to dig its way out of the sewer and make its way up through the pipes and into the toilet before it could even be considered crap.

Pour quoi“? you may be asking.

The answer is: So many reasons, so little time.

Since the horseshit is shoveled abundantly in this book, I will have to focus on the absolute worst of the worst for this post.

Let’s start with this little gem from Chapter 1:

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Okay, remember: this book is supposed to be about and for LESBIANS. The word “LESBIAN” is even in the freaking title.

First of all, most Lesbians aren’t promiscuous enough to have sex with random people (and groups of people!) as the first paragraph implies.

Secondly, and more importantly, the major flaw of the above quote comes with the second paragraph, which erroneously and slanderously implies that Lesbians have sex with men.

News Flash: Lesbians do NOT have sex with men.

Lesbians want to be with other LESBIANS. Period. End of story. It’s not rocket science, folks.

This ridiculous theme of (alleged) “lesbians” wanting sex with men, fantasizing about sex with men, having sex with men, etc. etc. etc. is repeated ad nauseum throughout this book, so I won’t belabor each and every example of this blatant falsehood. Bottom line: NO, WE DON’T.

Moving on from this damaging and untrue theme (although the author unwisely didn’t), my next major gripe occurs in Chapter 2:

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The author seems to assume that Lesbians either do, or should, have a fetish. The author turns Lesbian love-making into a completely unrecognizable hypersexualized kinky fetishistic fuckfest.

Here are just a few of the bizarre and unrecognizable alleged “lesbian sex” (NOT!) examples mentioned by the author in Chapter 2: blood play, breast whipping, caning, enemas, golden showers, knife play, paying for sex, and triple penetration.

The author moves on to supposed Lesbian fantasies, and right off the bat, we’re back to my original complaint:  “Lesbians can and do get off to fantasies about sex with men“, the author claims.

Um…no. No, no, no, no, no.

Lesbians: I have said it before and I will say it again now: If your lover wants you to pretend to be a male in bed, or fantasizes about having a male join you in bed, or in any way whatsoever brings the concept of “male” into your bedroom, you are dealing with a Straightbian.

Lesbians are females who are sexually/romantically oriented solely to females. Regardless of what lesbians are doing in bed, there will never be a male involved, even in fantasy.

Another purported frequent “Lesbian” fantasy, according to our increasingly offensive author, is “Age Play” (also known as “incest fantasies” ~ ugh!): “Daddy/girl, Daddy/boy, Mommy/girl, Mommy/boy are popular forms“, says the author.

Hmmmm…let me think…how can I express my feelings about this topic in the nicest way possible?

Okay, here goes: That is some seriously sick, twisted, perverted, disgusting, and deviant shit.

(And that is the nice version of my thoughts on the matter).

Children should NEVER be a part of any sexual encounter, even in someone’s sicko fantasies.

My hope for those who are into “age/incest play”: Please get some serious therapy, because you truly need it if you think that pretending your lover is your “Daddy” (or that you are the “Daddy” having sex with a child, or any other variation of this repulsive “game”) is a hot or a harmless fantasy.

Furthermore, these fantasies are NOT LESBIAN.

Lesbians desire other ADULT Lesbians.

Lesbians don’t want to be your freaking “Daddy” or your “little boy” (or any other variation of this disgusting fantasy).

Some Lesbians may play along with this horrid game in order to please their fucked-up STRAIGHT girlfriend, or, in some cases, perhaps because they have been abused themselves and are acting out (See **Important Note, below).

In general, though, “age/incest play” is NOT a part of Lesbian sex.

**Important Note: Lesbians, like anyone else, may be victims of child sexual abuse, but to be very clear, being Lesbian is NOT caused by, nor in any way related to, sexual abuse.

Instead of being truly “Lesbian“, this “age/incest” fantasy/activity is perpetrated by mixed-up Straightbians; most likely in a misguided and futile attempt to heal childhood wounds. Rather than addressing these wounds in a healthy manner, instead, they play out these wounds in an endless loop of sordid sex, pain, and confusion…never making progress, never achieving true intimacy.

(I normally would feel sorry for such confused individuals, but these people are doing it, and publicly gloating about it, in the name of “Lesbian“…and that is unforgivable).

I wish I could say that “age/incest play” is the worst lie the author gives as an alleged “Lesbian” sexual fantasy, but alas, shockingly, it’s not!

What could possibly be worse? Molestation (sex with minors!!), necrophilia (sex with dead people!!), and bestiality (sex with animals!!) are also all listed as supposed “Lesbian” fantasies.

They’re not.

Let me say it again: THESE ARE NOT LESBIAN FANTASIES/ACTIVITIES. Please stop perverting Lesbians with these outright lies, Felice Newman.

And readers, please, please, please get professional help if you actually do fantasize about any of that.

Moving on to the author’s “helpful” (NOT!) tips on purported Lesbian” porn:

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Hmmmm, I’m sensing a theme, aren’t you? Newman seems to want to pound (hahaha!) it into everyone’s heads the absolute lie that “Lesbians want men!” We don’t.

Again, it should go without saying, but apparently some people are too stupid to think it through, so it bears repeating:

Lesbians do NOT want men, so please take that drivel and shove it really far, far, far up where the sun don’t shine, Newman (et al.).

I almost made it through Chapter 3 without wanting to bang my head on a wall, because it’s a relatively straightforward chapter on female anatomy/health.

However, sadly, I did not make it all the way through this chapter either, because Newman offers this lovely tip about “female anatomy”:

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Sighing loudly. I hope I won’t have to explain to anyone what is wrong with that snippet. (Spoiler alert: BIOLOGY MATTERS).

Let’s ignore the next few chapters. While I certainly didn’t agree with all of what was written in them, they didn’t make the list of the worst of the worst.

Moving on to Chapter 14, let’s examine this quote:

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First problem: Lesbian is NOT about “gender”, and that statement includes Butch/Femme Lesbians. To explain why would require its own post, but for the purposes of this post,  suffice it to say that Butch/Femme Lesbians are NOT playacting/performing “gender roles”. We are simply being ourselves. Remember: LESBIAN IS ITS OWN NORMAL!

Second problem: Butch sexuality is NOT in any way male sexuality. Please read Dirt’s post on this very topic, where she directly addresses yet more nonsense by this very same author.

The depicted image in the above quote of a Butch swaggering around, Barney-Fife-style, with her “thumbs hooked in belt loops“, trying to draw attention to the “lump in her jeans” is not only devastatingly incorrect, it’s downright insulting to real Butches.

Similarly, the description of an “aggressively erotic” hyper-feminine Femme who is “unconditionally interested in her own sex” (whatever that means) is a depiction of a Straightbian…NOT a real Femme. This cartoonish image is both untrue and damaging to real Femmes.

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More Butch/Femme bullshit ensues. This entire paragraph is FALSE.

Butch/Femme is NOT an “identity” to be “adopted“, it is NOT a “sexual dynamic“, and it is NOT a vague, nebulous concept that varies with the wind.

We most certainly do NOTcome from all genders and sexual orientations“!

Butches and Femmes are LESBIANS. Simple.

As I said above, Butch/Femme is NOT about “playing with gender signifiers“; we aren’t playing dress-up, for God’s sake!  We are born this way.

Also, the traditional/historic/correct usage of the terms Butch and Femme is in relation to the Butch/Femme dynamic. Therefore, there is no such thing as “Butch-on-Butch” or “Femme-on-Femme“.

Some may think this is quibbling about language, but for a group that is constantly misunderstood and misrepresented, correct language matters deeply, and it is both erasing and insulting to see our terms used improperly.

The next chapters deal with various aspects of BDSM. While I don’t feel as harshly about general BDSM as I do about “age/incest play”, I do object to the assumption that all, or even most, Lesbians are into BDSM, and particularly hardcore BDSM. For the author to take up copious space about hardcore BDSM in a purported “Lesbian sex” book gives the false impression that hardcore BDSM is indeed “the norm” for most Lesbians.

I would have lived the rest of my Lesbian life quite happily ~ in fact, even happier ~ having never known a damn thing about a “golden showers bottom” or a “tit-torture top” or a “scat bottom” or a “rimming top” or “blood play” or “seeks menstruating partners” or “sex in a body bag“, thank you very much.

An extensive section is then devoted to “play parties” (AKA group sex parties). I have known a ton of Lesbians in my life, and never…I repeat, NEVER…have I even heard of any “Lesbian Sex Party”.

Lesbians, at least for the most part, are monogamous, even if some are serial monogamists. Those serial monogamous relationships might only last years (or months) versus a lifetime, but they are one-on-one relationships with the intent on lasting the long haul.

It is NOT Lesbian culture to have orgies. It’s just not. Not even in California, because the famous ones having all the orgies…guess what…aren’t Lesbians!

These are the same twisted sisters we have written about before, and others like them: Straightbians who are acting out their sexual dysfunction and incorrectly calling it Lesbian.

I could go on and on about this book, and many others like it, which not only buy into the absurd notions listed in this post (and many more), but even worse, actively spread and perpetuate this misinformation.

I am speaking out about this because these lies are harmful to real Lesbians in many ways.

Lesbians already struggle with invisibility in a heterosexually-dominated world, and lying about us makes us all the more invisible, because the truth about the REAL us is not being told.

Misinformation like this also is actively dangerous to Lesbians, in several ways. It is literally dangerous, because it reinforces some males’ delusions that Lesbians really do want men, leading to unwanted attention, harassment, stalking, or even physical violence.

It is also dangerous because it makes it seem like Lesbians are perverts, when WE are not the ones who are the perverts. People who (incorrectly!) believe Lesbians are perverts can do much damage to us, in many different ways (laws against us; refusal to hire us; firing us; denial of housing; violence; etc.).

Another, more insiduous, danger is the cumulative effect of constantly reading/hearing falsehoods about ourselves has on Lesbians. It makes us more willing to put up with nonsense in relationships. It isolates us. It removes us from ourselves. It makes us feel even more puzzled, confused, and alone than we already are, because we don’t recognize ourselves in what we read/hear/see.

It can even lead to Lesbians transitioning, because propaganda, like what is in this book and in many other sources, normalizes transition and makes it seem like an appropriate “step” for many Lesbians to take. Already separated from the norms of straight females, reading nonsense like this can make Lesbians’ normal feelings of “otherness” seem like we really “should be male”.

No, Lesbians are fine as we are. And we’d be even better if warped opportunistic charlatans would shut the fuck up.

Lesbians Are Different

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#PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Ever since my partner, spouse, and all-around sweetie-pie, Dirt, wrote a post entitled “Lesbian Children Are Not Girls: How Hetero-Society Ignores Lesbians“, she has received lots of feedback both publicly and privately: positive feedback from Lesbians and argumentative comments from hetsplainers.

One hetsplaining commenter in particular persists in insisting that any differences between the sexes, and/or differences between Lesbians and heterosexual females, is simply a matter of “socialization” and “gender stereotyping”.

While socialization and stereotyping are indeed real, they are not solely responsible for, nor do they sufficiently explain, the differences between Lesbians and heterosexual females that Dirt is writing about.

The other tactic the hetsplainers like to use is the “exception to the rule” argument. They will completely ignore most the information presented and go straight to the argument that they and/or someone they know don’t fit into what Dirt is saying in one way or another.

It should go without saying (but it obviously has to be said anyway!), that, when speaking in generalities about any topic, of course, there will always be “exceptions to the rule”. These expected exceptions to the rule, however, do not disprove the rule, and using this tactic as an argument is simply a way to try to minimize or deny what someone is saying.

My point is that (as usual!) heterosexuals are responding  to Lesbians by arguing, minimizing, and denying what we are saying (in this case, about our own existence!), rather than realizing that they do not know what the heck they are talking about, and therefore shutting up long enough to listen and learn.

Dirt’s posts (a 3-part series, here is part 2) will cover the topic of how Lesbians and straight females differ in depth, but I also wanted to write briefly about it.

When I wrote the guest post entitled “A Lesbian Psychologist Speaks Out“, I touched very briefly on this division between Lesbians and heterosexual females:

“Even though I am a so-called ‘feminine-presenting’ lesbian myself, there are still significant differences in how I process and approach the world in comparison to my heterosexual cohorts…

Because lesbians often don’t see others like ourselves in the world around us, we often feel we are different than other females.”

This difference is something that is difficult to fully understand, much less articulate clearly. However, despite struggling to put it into words, feeling “different” from an early age is something that every Lesbian I have ever spoken to (or read about) consistently reports.

I wanted to give a brief summary of a just a few of the ways in which I personally have perceived myself as “different” from my straight friends, acquaintances, and coworkers:

  • I am/was neither flattered by, nor bothered by, males. (Note that I am not talking about stalkers, perverts, rapists, or otherwise abusive males…everybody should be bothered by them! Rather, I am referring to “regular” males encountered on an everyday basis ~ fellow students, coworkers, neighbors, etc.).
  • I didn’t “lose myself” when adolescence hit, unlike my straight friends and fellow students (and most heterosexual adolescent girls!), who were suddenly (and overwhelmingly!) more interested in boys than in anything else. Grades, hobbies, interests, friends, family, pets, etc. are suddenly yesterday’s news for many straight female adolescents.
  • Even though I was already aware that I was a Lesbian as an adolescent, I didn’t go “girl crazy” like my cohorts went “boy crazy”. Even when I met my first partner at age 17, I still made A’s in college, worked 2 jobs, volunteered, worked out, and still maintained my friendships and family relationships. My world didn’t simply stop to revolve around my romantic relationship; yet, time and time again, I have seen (otherwise intelligent) straight females seemingly sucked straight into a black hole
  • As Dirt said in her post, “Lesbian children are not culturally groomed to have our bodies change (develop) for the purpose of pleasing other (teen/adult) Lesbians as/when we mature.” Most heterosexual parents are not even aware they are doing it, but girls are groomed and reinforced from a young age to welcome sexual maturity and the heterosexual assumption/privilege that goes along with it. Girls are reinforced for physically attractiveness (“You’re such a pretty girl! You’re going to break lots of boys’ hearts one day!” and similar comments). Therefore heterosexual girls are often proud of the new curves that appear in adolescence. In contrast, I was extremely uncomfortable about the changes in my body at adolescence, and made every effort to cover up (still do!). Instead of welcoming the sudden attention I got for my looks, I dreaded it. (Although I did not have true dysphoria myself, I can easily understand how many young Lesbians might mistake such acute bodily discomfort for dysphoria).
  • Because I am not straight (therefore, I am an outsider), I could/can usually see clearly what’s going on (and what is going to happen) in my straight friends’ love lives, to the point where many have said I am “psychic”. Being on the outside allows me to view heterosexual relationships/culture/behavior with detachment, and makes me typically able to observe and understand male behavior more clearly than my straight female friends.
  • I didn’t/don’t understand the hints, innuendos, and vague language often used by my straight female cohorts. I didn’t/don’t understand the desire to speak indirectly rather than simply stating what is wanted or needed. For example, if you want something specific for your birthday, why not just say so, rather than assuming your partner “should” magically know (and then being disappointed when you don’t get what you want)?  I don’t understand it; I never will. But my straight friends say they find such directness “inappropriate” (or unimaginable!). (Note that I am not referring to “good/bad manners” here, but rather simply directness versus indirectness of communication).
  • It wouldn’t have occurred to me to break plans with a friend because I suddenly got a date, yet doing so seems to be often both accepted and expected amongst straight female friends.
  • As a child, adolescent, and adult, I have never completely “fit in” with straight people, male or female, although I get along well with both. I have personality characteristics that are considered to be “stereotypically female” as well as personality characteristics that are considered to be “stereotypically male”. It’s like I live in a middle world, which is separate from both, but also like both, in various ways. Thus, Dirt’s assertion that “Lesbians are not girls”.
  • When I comment online, either anonymously or using a gender-neutral username, I am often accused of “mansplaining”. Straight females often seem to mistake directness for male behavior. No, it’s Lesbian behavior!

These are just a few examples. Of course, every Lesbian’s experience is unique, and I am not speaking for all (nor do I want to).  (Similarly, every straight woman’s experience is unique as well, and, as I said above, of course, there are always exceptions).

I will say, though, that I have heard of numerous similar experiences in the stories of Lesbians. Enough to ascertain that there is indeed a definite pattern of difference between Lesbians and straight females. And all the hetsplainers in the universe cannot explain away this truth.