Tag Archive | Homophobia

Lesbians Are Not Mimicking Heterosexuals, Nor Do We Want To. (Duh!)

When hetsplaining Lesbian, one frequent mistake that heterosexual people make is assuming that Lesbian relationships are mimicry of straight relationships, along with the incorrect assumption that Lesbians seek to emulate straight people.

One particularly odious and completely ridiculous trope is that Butch Lesbians have “eschewed femininity” and that they are “trying to be men“, and that Femme Lesbians are playing the “straight woman” in our relationships.

No. Just NO.

It’s way past time for all of the straight people who think/say such things to remove their head from their own egocentric butts.

It is even more bizarre and distressing when such utter nonsense emerges from (alleged) “feminist allies“.

 Let’s take a look at just a couple of the multiple lesbophobic comments from these faux “feminist allies” about Dirt, and I hope that these examples will expose what they REALLY think about Lesbians and our relationships ~ underneath their FAKE, chipper “Oh, I totally support Lesbians!” rhetoric: 

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Please recall that Harpy is the very same individual who came up with this gem to explain our Lesbian relationship: 

Harpy

Let’s examine exactly what these self-proclaimed “feminist allies” TRULY think/feel about Lesbians underneath their bullshit “support“:

  • They are condescending, rude, hateful, and/or vicious toward us.
  • They clearly don’t understand Lesbians nor our relationships.
  • They don’t TRY to understand Lesbians nor our relationships.
  • They see Lesbians as simplistic heterosexual mimickers/wannabes.
  • They see Lesbian relationships as imitations of straight relationships.
  • They see Butch Lesbians as intentionally/willfully “non-conforming to gender norms”.
  • They think Butch Lesbians are imitating men and that they want to be men.
  • They think Femme Lesbians are imitating straight women/relationships.
  • They think Femme Lesbians are stupid, shallow, vacuous, vain, and dependent. (Which is quite an interesting perception, since they think we are imitating THEM. THINK ABOUT IT.).
  • They think that heterosexual relationships are higher status than Lesbian relationships. (For instance, in other tweets, they talked about our relationship with “marriage” and “wife” in quotation marks!).
  • They think that Dirt’s parents would/should be upset with the fact she is Butch, which shows their own underlying shocking lesbophobia.
  • They think that we are Lesbians because we are damaged in some way (“Would be intriguing to hear about her parents” is just one example).
  • They think Lesbians are simply play-acting; that our entire lives are a flimsy choice to mysteriously try to emulate heterosexuality….which doesn’t even make any sense, but apparently logic is optional for these cretins.
  • They see Lesbians only through their own narrow heterocentric lens…which is to say: they don’t really see US at all, nor do they care to.

I could go on and on, but I think that is the general summation of the falsehoods that these false allies TRULY believe about us when you scratch underneath the shiny surface of their “help“.

Once again for the slow learners: Lesbians are NOT “mimicking straight relationships” nor are we “trying to be men” (nor any other obnoxious variation of these lies). WE ARE LESBIANS. Lesbian lives/relationships are IN NO WAY related to these outlandish claims. 

These same individuals will tweet all day about how transgender individuals are allegedly trying to coerce Lesbians into sleeping with them (yada yada yada) ~ and some uniformed brown-nosers therefore mistakenly think that means that these mean-spirited twisted sisters support Lesbians:

Rya

Attention Lesbians: These faux feminists and their fawning fans are not allies to Lesbians, and they are most certainly not our friends. Furthermore, Lesbians don’t want, nor need, their so-called “help“. These people are not only NOT helping Lesbians, but they are a HUGE part of the problem themselves, by continuing to believe and to spew hateful lies and/or ignorant misconceptions about Lesbians.

With every hateful and/or ignorant tweet, these people are showing their true lesbophobic colors.

So: Keep it up, harpies & sycophants, because I WANT Lesbians to see the truth, and these folks are proving what Dirt and I are saying with every venomous word.  

The Sadly Predictable Stages of Hetsplaining

Note: Please also see Dirt’s post on the same topic: Lesbians: SEEING the Forest because we are Not Trees

Dirt and I have been attacked on Twitter by hetsplaining straight “feminists so many times now, I have discerned a predictable pattern of behavior which delineates the stages of hetsplaining:

Butt in to a conversation uninvited;

Attack viciously; twist everything being said beyond all recognition; falsely claim we are misogynists, racists, etc.; even sometimes stooping low enough to insult us personally by attacking our appearance, our relationship, etc.;

Rage all out of proportion to the situation; using all emotion with no logic whatsoever;

Block us so we can’t see what they are saying;

Incite others to attack;

Enlist others to continue the drama;

Subtweet about us, knowing we cannot see what is being said to defend ourselves (which is quite cowardly).

(Rinse and repeat ad nauseum with each new wave of straight “feminists” who pick up the gauntlet).

You can remember this sadly predictable pattern of hetsplaining by using the acronym BARBIES. The most recent brouhaha involved a Barbie harpy (see below).

And for just ONE example of how these hetsplaining harpies treat Lesbians who don’t kowtow to their straight-privileged BS, here’s just one of many insulting tweets Dirt and I have been subjected to for simply stating our opinion:

Harpy

And people wonder why I say that Lesbians are on our own…but, seriously, with “feminist allies” like this, who needs enemies?

So Many Lies, So Little Time

There is so much incorrect, libelous, ludicrous, and/or otherwise whackadoodle information on the internet about Dirt (and, now, by proxy, me) that it would take an entire encyclopedia set to cover it all.

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Image: © 3D_creation; used under license by Shutterstock

For the most part, I ignore such nonsense, but occasionally, an ally will let me know about a comment so preposterous, so laughable, so incredibly goofy that I just have to make fun of it.

This is one of those times.

This little gem has allegedly been posted in multiple places by the same disgruntled individual:

“Lynn Marie Baker (dirt from dirt) writes a sensationalist blog with multiple weekly posts demarcating anti-transgender rants. He writes his posts with the intention to dismantle the constricting Gender Straight Jacket that is binding and gagging the female experience. He writes provocative blog posts that personally shame and ridicule transgender children, transgender adults, and professionals who help transgender people. He purposefully denigrates the individuals by calling them by their birth pronouns and names (if he knows what they are) and proudly claims it is for the benefit of society. If you correct him on pronouns he deletes the comments and claims he will decide what pronouns the individual should be addressed by. In the end, nobody really cares about incorrect pronouns being used, as transgender people aren’t that thin skinned. However, if you mis-pronoun him he becomes quite irate. I choose to call her by him because it is well known in his personal circles that he used to take testosterone himself. Due to his own ambivalence around physical transition he decided to stop taking testosterone and began posting anti-trans videos and blog posts. The ambivalence he feels is common among lesbians in his age range as their identities are deeply rooted in the lesbian community. Originally, his intentions were probably meant to help provide others who are gender variant and feel in-between genders some hope. However, due his own background being raised by fundamentalists he quickly turned into black and white thinking regarding gender expression. His black and white defensive structure is seen throughout his entire blog posts which indicates a long history of trauma. It’s hard to feel sorry for him though due to his ongoing assaultive behaviors towards others. It would be different if his blog posts consisted of general information about transition and he came from a actual do no harm perspective. However, he moves into a position of harm quite quickly as he becomes triggered by those individuals who transition from female to male. It is no surprise that he has been focusing his blog posts primarily on the female to male transgender individuals and personalizing attacks against them. Lynn is cut from the same cloth as Donald Trump. It’s as though they are related. Lynn uses similar rhetoric in making fun of the underserved and those who are the most vulnerable. Transgender people are the most discriminated against population currently in our society and are at the most risk. Mr. Baker goes after the most vulnerable because this is the most vulnerable issue he deals with. Being conflicted about gender. He is in a relationship with a self-proclaimed psychologist. I say this because she refuses to let everyone know her real identity for fear of public assault and harassment. Yet, she joins her husband in abusing vulnerable people to express their joint agendas. Mrs Dirt knows that she upheld an oath to do no harm and that if she really is a psychologist, she is in clear violation of legal and ethical codes of her profession. Hence, she won’t allow her name to be publicized. Their latest agenda is pointing out real lesbians not straightbians. Another internalized conflict projected onto others. They claim that lesbians who have had sex with men, who support transgender people (in any way), and other random idiosyncrasies disqualifies you as a real lesbian. A few months back it appears they were sitting around looking at their bookshelves reminiscing about their dyke days in the 80’s and early 90’s. They looked at all their lesbian literature and realized that their world has changed. Yes, there are more than two choices for gender and yes, some women are bisexual and yes, Queer is a new identity. Sadness quickly turned to rage and they posted a series of posts that denounced women and their sexuality. Describing many iconic writers as fake or claiming that they are pussy pirates stealing money from the lesbian community. This pointless blog series proved that they are more disturbed than thought before. Their obsession with the Arian sisterhood of lesbianism is diabolical. Much like a Nazi who is going around asking for identification to ensure that they are truly one of us is exactly why we have a president like we do today. They have no tolerance for otherness. These two disturbed individuals must criticize and become cruel to those who don’t identify exactly like they do. It must be quite conflictual to be married to a man and yet hold staunchly the notion that you are still lesbian enough. I am not referring to the butch femme dynamic that sparks their attraction but I am addressing Lynn being a man which is much different than actually being a butch lesbian. Although he claims the butch lesbian identity pretty firmly, clearly he has deep rooted conflicts or she wouldn’t be so triggered and reactionary to transgender people. I could care less how he identifies but then again I’m not writing hate blogs about how other people should live their lives. In addition, I am not stalking children to shame them online and encouraging self-hatred. I believe Mr. Dirt should hold onto his own self-hatred and Mrs. Dirt should hold onto her own anxieties about being with a man. This would save the rest of us from enduring a hate blog about how you are the only two lesbians left in the world of your Arian nation lesbian world. It is not our fault you call him daddy at night and he dreams of transition. That’s your own conflict to hold.”

As I have said before, hateful comments always say much more about the person who is commenting than about the intended recipient.

The obvious intention is to insult, discredit, and harm Dirt and myself.  However, what he/she doesn’t realize is that such comments only make him/her look bigoted, angry, petulant, immature, and uninformed.

By deliberating and repeatedly “misgendering” Dirt and by outright lying about BOTH of us, this person’s true colors are revealed (Examples of the odd lies about me in this passage: falsely and absurdly claiming that I have “anxieties about being with a man” and the bizarre comment “call him Daddy at night“):

This individual is a bitter lesbophobic windbag who clearly is threatened by Dirt’s (and/or my) posts…because this response is way above and beyond the level of any sort of “normal” disagreement with what we are saying.

This individual also simply cannot comprehend Lesbianism, except through a very twisted, inaccurate, heterocentric lens.

This person so stuck in his/her own mental “gender straitjacket” that the fact that Dirt and I are both LESBIANS is apparently incomprehensible to him/her; so, instead of understanding (or respecting) our Lesbianism, so he/she has to mind-warp our relationship into a false and perverse heterosexual dynamic. 

Additionally, the incorrect and vitriolic allegations about our Straightbian posts further reveal an alarming lack of understanding of, AND a shocking lack of concern for, Lesbian lives. 

I won’t bother trying to argue with this person or similar homophobes, because it would be a waste of both my time and theirs. People like this don’t care about what either of us is actually saying, and they don’t take the time to try to find out. Instead, they rely on distorted “alternative facts” (also known as outright lies) in a misguided attempt to malign us.

But, just for the record:

Neither Dirt nor I are “abusing vulnerable people” in any way, shape, or form. This sort of bogus claim is commonly used to try to demonize and discredit us.

Dirt posts information which is ALREADY POSTED PUBLICLY ON THE INTERNET.  Here’s a clue: If you don’t want everybody on the internet to see what you are doing/saying, DON’T POST IT PUBLICLY.  Just sayin’.

Dirt never attempted to transition. The fatuous claim that Dirt is a “failed transman” is one of those completely false urban myths that people repeat ad nauseum, without ever bothering to find out if it’s actually true.  So I will say it again: This rumor is not true, and people who are circulating it only make themselves look sadly uninformed.

Neither Dirt nor I are “cut from the same cloth as Trump“, and to claim we are is beyond preposterous.

Our identities have already been revealed. Although the Supreme Court has repeatedly upheld the First Amendment right to speak anonymously, someone made it a mission to reveal my identity.

I am a psychologist…not a “self-proclaimed” one. And I have done nothing whatsoever unethical, and it is both untrue and defamatory to claim that I have. Apparently, this individual is completely unfamiliar with the concepts of free speech and healthy professional debate.

The correct spelling is “Aryan”, not “Arian”, Einstein. Regardless, we’re not Nazis or neo-Nazis, nor are we in any way affiliated with such groups. This analogy is daft.

Neither of our blogs include any sort of “hate speech”. Free speech is very different than “hate speech”, and if someone can read (and comprehend!) our posts, he/she should be able to easily see that what we are saying is NOT “hate speech”.

Neither Dirt nor I would ever advocate for anyone to be harmed or denied basic rights (housing, employment, safety, etc.). 

If anyone doesn’t like anything that either of us has to say, please remember that visiting our blogs is completely voluntary.

Dirt and I have one primary goal: To make the world a better place for Lesbians. You’re either with us in that goal, or you’re against us. (People don’t always have to agree with us on every point, of course, but suffice it to say that the difference is clear between someone who is on our side, versus someone who is trying to undermine us).

Finally, always remember that you are revealing yourself through your angry comments, and in this case, this person reveals him/herself to be someone who thinks he/she knows much more than he/she actually does. The result is unflattering.

Update: 04/06/2017: Edited To Add:

Running along the same veins as the ignorant, yet almost comical, comments above, similar comments were also made on Reddit by someone who has chosen to call him/herself “TheIndependantVote”. (I am not sure whether this person simply cannot spell “independent” or if there is a reason for the misspelling.).

Here is a selection of the quotes from the Reddit comments & my responses:

Quote:

“Mrs. Dirt, I can kind of understand. After all, she is that demographic of lesbian.”

My Response:  Could this person possibly get any more uninformed, offensive, and lesbophobic if they tried?  I truly doubt it.

Quote:

“But Dirt, is more of a mystery to me. Is this a self-hating transman? Is this a butch lesbian who has been called a trans man too much and feels upset about it? Or is this a situation where Dirt’s wife is leading Dirt into ruin?”

My Response:

Again, this person is obviously lesbophobic and uninformed about Lesbians.

This person, like our other prevaricator profiled above, cannot see past their own “gender straitjacket” long enough to see that LESBIAN IS NORMAL.

Whether Butch, Femme, or any other “variety” of Lesbian, we are ALL normal. There’s no “right way” nor “wrong way” to be a Lesbian/female and to assume/say that Dirt is ANY sort of “transman” is not only completely wrong, it’s also erasing Lesbian reality.

And: I am not “leading Dirt into ruin” (LOL!), and I couldn’t even if I tried, because Dirt is a fully functioning adult who is capable of forming her own thoughts and making her own decisions. Healthy adult relationships simply don’t involve anyone being “led into ruin”.

Quote:

“Like it seems like maybe Dirt was on their way toward something else and Mrs. Dirt decided to play some psychological games and abuse what little education it seems she has received. Also, Mrs. Dirt claims to be a psychologist as of at least July 22nd of this year, but some say she hasn’t graduated yet. Is that legal? Also, shouldn’t she get reported to any kind of licensing agency for going against the DSM so recklessly? She is causing real harm to the treatment of others with her behaviour. She’s like an anti-vaxxer in the middle of an outbreak. Seems professionally unethical and intentionally harmful.”

My Response:

“What little education” I have had is a Ph.D., cupcake.  I don’t know who is claiming I haven’t graduated yet, but clearly they don’t know what they are talking about. They are making themselves look ignorant by making false claims, as this individual is making him/herself look ignorant by repeating such idiotic lies.

Furthermore, my having an opinion and voicing it is in no way unethical/harmful.

Professionals and researchers disagree and debate civilly all the time about many topics, and we should. Healthy and respectful debate is a vital part of the checks and balances system for any profession.

Once again for the slow learners: I have NOT said or done anything unethical and/or harmful, nor would I ever do so, and for this individual to imply that I did/would is flat-out libelous.

Furthermore, if this individual and others are so convinced of the absolute correctness of their dogma, why are they so terribly threatened by any questioning/disagreement whatsoever?

Think about it: People who are completely secure in their views/beliefs/choices are not so desperately threatened by questioning/disagreement that they resort to making baseless accusations and posting asinine insults. So the fact that this person did so tells us all we need to know.

06/19/2018: Updated to add:

Some knuckle-dragging lunatic recently posted this nonsense regarding Dirt & myself:

(Dirt’s) “blog is now dedicated to calling other women fake lesbians.anyone who disagrees in the comments is called heterosexual and banned. She started this crusade when some younger lesbians claimed that creepy troons had coerced them into sexual activity. Dirt believes that lesbians would never have that happen. It also seems like she thinks lesbians are never raped and don’t whine. Lesbians are not radical feminists. Lesbians are unicorns it seems! Anyone who disagrees with dirt or her wife gets called a straightbian and blocked on twitter as well.”

Well, similar to the other clueless clowns above, this cretin apparently has the same reading comprehension and cognitive reasoning skills of a genetically modified soybean.

As has been addressed numerous times (but apparently some people are simply too stupid to understand), neither Dirt nor I call anyone a Straightbian, nor do we block anybody, for simply disagreeing with us. READ THIS POST.

Let’s all think about it, people. Yes, even those (like this pitiful creature) whose elevators don’t go all the way to the top floor:

Who do we call Straightbians?  Hmmmm…let’s all think about it…I know you can get it if you just try…keep thinking…keep thinking…keep thinking…OH! Yeah, that’s it! STRAIGHTBIANS, that is who. Duh.

And: Who do we block on Twitter? Again, let’s all try to get some basic thought processes in action here, even those who, like this dummkopf, are lacking in grey matter. C’mon, you can do it! Just keep thinking…Oh, yeah, that’s right: Lesbophobes, Liars, Bots, Trolls, Rude People, Perverts, Creeps, and those who just want to argue with absolutely no intention of having a reciprocal conversation…THAT’S WHO.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on a cracker. How stupid can people be? Apparently, infinitely stupid, if these commenters are any indication.

Furthermore, the things that this “person” (and I use that term loosely here) claims that  we have said is beyond ludicrous.

Never, ever, have either of us said that Lesbians “cannot be raped.”

What we said was that it is NOT actual Lesbians who are falling for the (alleged) sexual coercion that Twitter radfems and other “gender-critical” individuals are claiming is so prevalent.

Lesbians aren’t stupid. I wish I could say the same for this lowlife loser.

The Sad Truth About The Depths of Homophobia

Yesterday, my sweetie Dirt published a post about the pervasive hatred of homosexuals. Please read her post, here, first.

As Dirt mentioned in her post, we recently watched the 1996 film “Twilight of the Golds”. I had never seen it before, and although I am (sort of) glad I saw it, because it was so illuminating, I have to admit that part of me wishes that I hadn’t seen it because it is still haunting me days later.

To give a brief overview of the film, the storyline focuses on a family: parents and 2 adult children. One sibling is female, heterosexual, and married, while the other (David) is male, gay, and in a long-term relationship.

Early on, it becomes obvious that the parents have a problem with the gay son: his partner has NEVER been included in family get-togethers, and, in one particularly horrifying scene, when the sister takes a bite of food from her brother, the mother snaps at her to not eat after him.

At this point in the movie, I was already angry: why was David still even in contact with these homophobes?

But, as it turns out, what was to come was much, much worse.

The straight married sister learns she is pregnant, and her husband is a genetic researcher who has found a way to identify homosexuality in fetuses with a high degree of accuracy.

(I am sure you can already see where this is going…).

After learning that there is a very high chance that the baby will be “like David”, the sister, who has seemed to be a supportive and loving ally to David up until this point, finds herself seriously considering whether she will abort the baby. (Meanwhile, her parents and husband clearly want her to).

I won’t give away what happens in the movie, but suffice it to say that David is heartbroken when he finds out that his sister would even consider killing her baby simply because it is likely to be gay, and that his parents would agree with that decision.

Although I am certainly aware of the prevalence of homophobia/lesbophobia, have experienced it myself, and have known many who have been rejected by their families/communities, for some reason, this movie was a huge, unwelcome wake-up call.

It is bad enough to know that gays/lesbians are disapproved of, criticized, misunderstood, rejected, bashed, demonized, and ultimately on our own, but it is truly terrifying to realize that, if given the chance to identify and abort us, many of those who we currently consider to be our “loved ones” would likely have killed us before we ever got a chance to live.

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Image: PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Because, even though I know it was just a movie, I realized with chilling certainty that this scenario could happen. No, correction: Not “could happen“, let’s just be honest: We all know that it actually would actually happen if scientists were to ever find a definitive and testable cause.

Those who would choose to abort us would rationalize that they are doing “the best thing”: “Why bring a baby into the world who is going to face a lifetime of challenges and prejudice?”, they would say, self-righteously, perhaps a bit defensively. “Since we can now prevent that kind of pain, we should”, they would say with satisfaction, never understanding the irony that the attitude/hatred/homophobia that led to their twisted idea that gays/lesbians would be “better off dead” is the very cause of the pain they (allegedly) wish to spare us from.

Lesbians Need A New Symbol

Note:  Please also read: Dirt’s companion piece, “Double Female Symbol-Not Lesbian-Then or Now” for additional information/explanation.

Dirt and I have been talking and writing for a while now about how Lesbian has been consistently misrepresented, used, and abused…twisted in a whirlwind of hetsplanations, pornifications, and outright lies.

Even the universally recognized symbol for Lesbian (intertwined female symbols) is NOT LESBIAN.

womanwoman

“Lesbian” Symbol (NOT!)

Why?

Well, there are many reasons; Dirt’s companion piece, “Double Female Symbol-Not Lesbian-Then or Now” for more reasons/explanation.

The piece of the puzzle that I am focusing on today is: this symbol does NOT accurately represent Lesbian because 2 females kissing, holding hands, or even making love does not mean either/both are actually Lesbian. Any 2 females can do any of those things, of course, but it is NOT “Lesbian” unless the individuals involved are BOTH Lesbians.

Here’s the truth: If something doesn’t involve actual LESBIANS, it is NOT LESBIAN.

In TV shows and movies, if there is even the slightest whiff of flirtation between 2 female characters (even if either of the characters was f**cking a man 5 minutes earlier and/or goes on to f**k a man 5 minutes later)…BOOM…people will immediately start talking about a “Lesbian scene” or “Lesbian subplot” or “Lesbian subtext” or “Lesbian kiss” etc. etc. etc., ad nauseum.

The following is but a very small sample of the NON-lesbian characters/scenarios in TV and movies that have been incorrectly called “Lesbian“:  (Note that I am not talking about whether or not the actors themselves are straight; I am talking about the characters/scenarios):

1). Roseanne Barr’s famous “Lesbian” kiss with Mariel Hemingway in the episode “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. While addressing homophobia, an admirable goal, was the reason given by Barr for including this scene, unfortunately, calling kissing a married straight woman a “Lesbian” (or “gay” as some  people, including Barr, incorrectly insist on saying) scene undermines real Lesbians by implying that we are defined solely by physical contact or action. Lesbian is lesbian, and straight is straight, regardless of physical/sexual activity.

2). The entire hideously offensive “Lesbian” movie “The Kids are All Right“, in which Julianne Moore’s allegedly “Lesbian” character f**ked a male like a minx throughout the whole debacle, only to claim at the end of the movie that such straight behavior didn’t mean she wasn’t a “Lesbian“.  Um…yeah, it does, in fact, mean just that.

3). Almost every “Lesbian” storyline in Orange is the New Black, starting, but sadly not ending, with Straightbian Piper’s on-again, off-again affair with Alex. This decidedly NON-Lesbian storyline is foreshadowed in the Season 1 official trailer, in which at approximately .36-.37 seconds, Piper’s mom asks “You were a lesbian?” and Piper (sitting with her MALE fiance) replies “At the time”. No, no, no, no, no! You either are, or you’re not, a Lesbian, Piper. To make matters even worse, the OITNB Lesbian characters who are REAL Lesbians are portrayed as sexual predators (Big Boo) or killed off (Poussey).  Boo, Hiss.

4). Thelma and Louise has been applauded as an excellent example of “Lesbian” subtext. Bullshit. Both Thelma and Louise were straight women who needlessly got themselves into a difficult situation, making progressively worse and worse decisions…including Geena Davis’s character first willingly making out with a guy in the parking lot (who turned out to be a wannabe rapist) which resulted in the very reason they became outlaws, then later f**king a male thief’s brains out. The whole sad nonsense culminated in them driving themselves off a freaking cliff.  Thelma and Louise are not heroic feminist icons, and they are definitely NOT Lesbians.

5). Xena: Okay, this last example actually pains me to discuss, because I was a Xena fan. I realize now that I was so starved for Lesbian representation that I was willing to scarf up the “subtext” scraps the writers and actors threw us. I was willing to overlook the “maintext” plots involving male romantic entanglements. I was willing to deny my own discomfort when the show could not be trusted to even acknowledge us, much less actually care about us, despite the fan base being heavily Lesbian. Now it’s time to admit that the  so-called Xena “Lesbian subtext” was only a pitiful broken bone thrown to the hungry Lesbian audience, all the while maintaining the true heterosexuality of the 2 main characters to keep their ratings, and their straight privilege, intact.

The examples of such NON-Lesbian scenarios go on and on and on and ON.

It is time to stop this foolishness. We need to stop calling any female/female innuendo “Lesbian”. I know I said it before, but I will say it again and again and again:

If something doesn’t involve actual LESBIANS, it is NOT LESBIAN.

lezzie-symbol

 

Why Stating I Am A Lesbian Matters

Why am I so adamant about stating that I am a Lesbian?

This question arose on Twitter yesterday when an unknown man appeared in my mentions. At first, I simply assumed that he was just a typical troll, and responded accordingly. However, after the initial battle, it turned out that he actually wanted to have a conversation about those questions.

It started when I tweeted (for about the 584,328,901,475th time) that being a Lesbian is NOT a choice. To make a long story a little bit shorter, after we got past the initial volley of back-and-forth insults, he finally tweeted the following (which I have combined here for both clarity & brevity):

“i don’t define everything i stand for by which gender i prefer. My original point was that. Dont sell yourself short…my point is there is no reason to identify by sexual preference. Its an act for attention. …But im not saying its a choice. I agree…its like your saying to yourself- if people dont know im gay they wont value me as much. Not true…my whole point is i hate seeing people pigeonhole themselves behind sexuality, like its their greatest asset….I dont understand why you have to explain/declare sexuality to the masses…shouldn’t sexuality be way down on the list of things you tell strangers about yourself?…i just think sexual attractions are not something to be judged on and when you throw it out front, your actually asking to be.”

Basically, Twitter guy was wondering about why I so publicly and repeatedly say that I am a Lesbian.  He apparently felt that my insistence on doing so both limits and pigeonholes me, and, in his opinion, since it’s not really anybody’s business who I sleep with, he wondered why am I making such a big deal about it by stating it publicly.

Upon reflection, I realized that this general attitude is actually very common among heterosexuals, even among those who allegedly “support” us. When Ellen DeGeneres first came out on her show, I heard numerous straight people say things like: “I don’t care who she sleeps with, so why does she have to tell us?”; “It’s not my business; I don’t need to know!”;  “I like her even if she is gay, I just don’t want to hear about it“; etc.

(These are the very same “supporters” who say things like, “I am all for you people to have rights, but why do you have to call it MARRIAGE?”).

So this post is to explain, listed in no particular order, why it is important for me as a LESBIAN to say so, both publicly and privately, and why such questions themselves are based on faulty reasoning and Hetsplanations of “Lesbian“:

1).  The reason heterosexuals do not have to state that they are straight is because it is already assumed.  Nobody has EVER had to  come out as straight!

2). When I say I am a Lesbian, I am not trying to make my “sex life” public. Being a Lesbian is not all about sex (although, obviously, attraction/orientation are biological components thereof). Think about it: People do not assume that if a straight woman mentions her husband (or talks about dating, or makes any other reference to her heterosexuality) in conversation that she is talking about her “sex life” ~ but straight people seem to assume that if Lesbians mention that we are Lesbians, or if we mention a female partner in conversation, that we are somehow talking about our “sex life” ~ even when we are not, in any way, talking about actual sex. (Straight people project such hypersexual misconceptions onto Lesbians because of their own twisted notions of “Lesbian“).

3). Even though being a Lesbian is certainly not ALL I am, it is indeed integral to who I am…and therefore it is important to say so. Unlike being straight, being a Lesbian is not immediately assumed. Silence would be a form of covert lying.

4). By saying I am a Lesbian, I am not “pigeonholing” myself. It is simply an important fact about who I am. (Plus, quite frankly, anyone who would “pigeonhole” me in any way for being a Lesbian would not be someone who I would care about).

5). Saying publicly that I am a Lesbian is also not “an act for attention”, nor do I feel it’s my “greatest asset”. First of all, in case heterosexuals haven’t noticed, there’s a thing called homophobia, and it makes our lives hard and even dangerous. It would be much safer to stay in the closet and be silent, but it would also be dying a slow, painful, invisible death. Second, stating something factual is not the equivalent of bragging or attention-seeking. Third, it is illogical to believe that I am bragging about Lesbianism being my “greatest asset” when being a Lesbian can get me fired, denied housing, denied other rights/privileges, attacked, or even killed. That sort of “logic just doesn’t add up.

6).  Lesbian invisibility is a real issue, and this issue is illustrated well by what happened with this Twitter guy. Heterosexuals encourage Lesbians to be invisible…because they are uncomfortable and don’t want to actually see, hear, or think about real Lesbian lives. Even our most famous token Lesbian celebrity, Ellen DeGeneres, has been desexualized completely in the eyes of the public. She’s funny, she’s friendly, she’s cute, she’s approachable, and she’s neutral. And while sex is not everything to Lesbians, it is nonetheless an important part of our lives/relationships…and the same principle is true for heterosexuals, only MORE. In fact, sex is so important to heterosexuals that you cannot even watch TV for an hour without being exposed to sexual content, ranging from the innuendo of a shampoo commercial to actual depictions of heterosexual sex on practically every show now.

7).  One reason I personally am so vocal about my sexual orientation, both online and in real life, is because I am a Femme.  As such, people often mistake me for straight based on their own preconceived stereotypical and incorrect notions of what they think Lesbians look like. This makes it all the more imperative for me to speak out.

8). Twitter guy said that he thought that I believed that people wouldn’t “value” me as much if they don’t know I am a Lesbian. However, my experience is quite the opposite. I have lost “friends” and “family” over being a Lesbian; I have been told to be silent and “pass”. Ellen lost her original TV show over it, and it took years to recover. Other friends have been thrown out of college or fired from jobs because of it. Instead of people magically “valuing us more” for being a Lesbian, it is much more common to be hurt or rejected, which is hardly the privilege that straight people enjoy and take for granted every day.

9). Twitter guy’s questions centered on why would I find it important to say publicly that I am a Lesbian. In addition to all of the reasons mentioned above, one very important reason for us to come out of the closet and speak publicly about being a Lesbian is to show other Lesbians that they are not alone; and that it is okay to be open, comfortable, and yes, even proud of who we are. We are not second-class citizens and we don’t have to accept being treated as such. By showing acquaintances, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and the rest of world that we exist and we are normal, we are doing our part to increase Lesbian visibility and acceptance, both of which are desperately needed.

10). The only thing that Twitter guy and I agreed upon was the fact that sexual orientation is not a choice, so I do have to give him credit for that. By acknowledging that fact, he showed more insight and common sense that many so-called “lesbian experts” and many  alleged “lesbians on Twitter and elsewhere. Which is sad…very sad.

In summary, I realized that Twitter guy’s questions were important, because they represent the underlying assumptions/curiosities of many straight people….assumptions that we must address and challenge at every opportunity. The only way to free ourselves from damaging heterosexual misconceptions is for Lesbians to shine a light on our TRUTH at every opportunity.

enlighten

Image: #PicsArt #FreeToEdit

 

Lesbians Are On Our Own

I have written before about homophobia and false allies.  I have been out for a very long time and have had many disappointing experiences and have answered many offensive questions about being a Lesbian.

So: I know how people are.

Or, more accurately, I should have known.

But: every day, I find myself more disappointed and more disillusioned with my fellow humans than ever before.

The election and its aftermath have stripped off the remnants of faux acceptance from our so-called “friends” and “family“, revealing a massive gangrenous sore which had been festering,  unnoticed, underneath the surface all along:

Lesbians have no true allies. We are on our own.

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#PicsArt #FreeToEdit

My spouse, partner, and all-around sweetiepie, Dirt, recently changed her Twitter bio to say: “If you’re not us, you’re against us.”

Meaning: Unless you are actually one of us ~ a LESBIAN ~ you are against us.  I misread it the first time, thinking it said: “If you’re not WITH us, you’re against us”. But she clarified that she meant that unless you ARE one of us, you are AGAINST us.

At first, I thought, “Wow, that is really cynical, because surely we do have some allies…well…somewheretheoretically“.

You see, I wanted to believe that we have allies. And, pitifully, I still want to believe that we have allies: perhaps because I am still a four-leaf-clover-picking, peace-loving optimist underneath my current defiant exterior; perhaps because it would be easier and more pleasant to stay in denial about those who we mistakenly thought were our loved ones; perhaps simply because the truth hurts.

Sadly, however, I am now convinced that Lesbians are, in fact, on our own. More importantly, I am now convinced we always were on our own…because the appearance of support and acceptance from our alleged “allies“, “friends“, and “family” was, in reality, only a BandAid which was unceremoniously ripped off with the election of a bigoted dictator, revealing the repugnant stench of straight privilege and lesbophobia beneath.

Repeated Twitter attacks, hetsplaining, unfollowing/blocking and subtweeting by so-called straight feminist “allies“; unfriending and blocking by Facebook “friends“; and being admonished by various alleged former “friends” and “family members” to “calm down”, “be nice”, “don’t take it personally”, “get along” (etc.) have all coalesced in the last few days to irrevocably prove to me that most straight people, even seemingly well-intentioned ones, remain clueless, insensitive, unaware, and arrogant in their ignorance.

Plus: (unrelated to the election, but pertinent to this topic): Some (alleged) “lesbians” on Twitter have continued minimizing, denying, arguing, and/or even outright mocking our series about the existence of Straightbians and how Straightbians are detrimental to Lesbians.

The reasons why the truth matters to Lesbians should be stunningly obvious to anyone with an IQ higher than a Chia Pet, so the attitudes of these individuals indicates that not only are they Straightbians themselves, but furthermore, they are NOT even allies to Lesbians…and they never will be.

They don’t want to listen to Lesbians. They want to believe the false notion that any woman can magically become a lesbian, because their own pathologies are tightly tied to that illusion, and they have gained lovers, friends, attention, followers, fame, speaking engagements, and/or money from perpetuating the lie that they are Lesbians themselves, at the expense of actual Lesbians.

These individuals want to preach feminist theory about “political Lesbianism“, but they don’t want to actually deal with hearing the pesky truth from REAL Lesbians. They appear to be “inclusive” and “accepting” by promoting the untruth that a woman can “magically become a Lesbian”, and therefore, they are popular amongst the “feminist” crowd, because straight women want to keep “Lesbian” open as their backup Uber ride in case the dickmobile runs out of gas.

Furthermore, in addition to all the many traitors listed above, even our supposed “allies” who are purportedly fighting for Lesbian self-acceptance in order to to avert transitioning often show shocking covert lesbophobia. How? First, true Lesbian allies would care what happens to ALL lesbians, not just up until our 18th birthday. Second, the terms “gender non-conforming” and “gender defiant” are offensive terms to Lesbians (**See Note, below**), but despite being told this repeatedly, these purported “allies” continue to use these (and similar) inappropriate terms. Third, some  of these alleged “allies” will respond favorably to straight people’s input, while completely ignoring, or even rudely arguing with, polite Lesbian comments/questions.

Bottom line: True Lesbian allies would listen to Lesbians. They would believe Lesbians. They would fight for Lesbian issues/rights, even when it is inconvenient to do so. They would include Lesbians. They would remain in conversation with Lesbians, even when it becomes heated or uncomfortable.  They would support Lesbians. They would recognize Lesbian is a real thing….not just some choice to be made or discarded at will or whimsy. And: they would stand with Lesbians in our pain and fear about this election, without attempting to tell us how to feel or to “be nice”.

None of these things are happening.

The time for nice is over. The time for hoping that people will do the right thing is over.

It is time for Lesbians to wake up, stand up, and realize that with “friends” like these, who needs enemies? It is apparent that not only was Sappho ahead of her time poetically, it seems that she too realized that Lesbian needs to be its own island.

**Note**:  Edited to add:  After a comment, I realized that I should have clarified further why the terms gender non-conforming (GNC), gender-defiant, and similar terms (hereafter shortened to GNC for brevity) are offensive to Lesbians:

The way these terms are being presented is that the so-called “GNC” people (including the Lesbians who would fall under this description) are intentionally defying gender norms.

In other words, the idea is that GNC is some sort of conscious performance, rather than just being who people are naturally.

For the lesbians who would fall under the GNC category, this is an insult, as well as a dangerous assumption, because it implies a willful disobedience of “norms”, which, in turn, implies that it can be changed with a simple conscious decision to conform.

So the use of these terms is both dangerous and insulting to the Lesbians who are being referred to as falling under those categories.

Hope this clarifies better, and as always, if you have questions, please feel free to ask!