Tag Archive | Lesbian Invisibility

Lesbian Lives Matter

The following are just a small sample of recent responses to Dirt’s and my Lesbian pride-type and Straightbian-type tweets/comments/posts:

  • “I don’t see the need to label myself/anybody.”
  • “We’re all just people.”
  • “Surely ALL lives matter…”
  • “I’m just me; I don’t label myself as a Lesbian and don’t think you should limit/label yourself either.”
  • “People are more alike than different.”
  • “Views like this just cause further divide…”
  • “I’m very similar to many of my straight friends; why label myself?”
  • “I don’t feel the need to constantly define myself as a lesbian because I would still be the same person regardless of my sexuality.”
  • “Labels hurt people.”
  • “Why does who I’m attracted to have to make me ‘different’?”
  • “We should all move forward together. Not back into the dark ages of in-fighting” (in reference to in-fighting within the so-called LGBT++++ community)
  • “I’m just me. I’m more than my sexual orientation.”
  • “The only difference between me and my neighbor is I sleep next to a woman…”
  • “Sexuality is fluid; people can’t/shouldn’t be labelled.”
  • “I don’t want to label myself…I’m human.”

There are many, many more examples, but I think you get the idea.

There’s just one problem with this line of thinking: It’s utterly ridiculous.

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Image: PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Well, technically, maybe it’s not completely wrong. After all, it is not wrong in the sense that we all are indeed human; because (of course…well, um…duh!!) we are. That fact has never been in question. Lesbians, like everybody else, have much in common with our fellow humans: we eat, we work, we try to stay healthy, we have friends and family and furry companions we care deeply about, we feel love and loss and hope and fear and every other emotion known to humankind, and we are mortal; just to name a few universally human traits.

Instead, what I mean is that this line of thinking is wrong (and ridiculous) in the sense of any attempt to lump all humans together into one huge amorphous blob is not only incorrect, it is damaging to everyone, including Lesbians.

And since Lesbians are my only focus, this post will cover how this “Surely All Lives Matter — We Are All One — We Are Just Like Everyone Else (Etc.)” mentality harms us specifically.

This pathetic attempt at forced assimilation denies our Lesbian uniqueness, encourages us to deny our own true nature in order to attempt to “blend in” with society, and further contributes to Lesbian invisibility.

Saying “but surely ALL lives matter” when Dirt and I are specifically trying to stand up for Lesbian rights and attempting to address uniquely Lesbian issues is just as offensive to Lesbians as tweeting #AllLivesMatter is to the #BlackLivesMatter movement.

Sure, it’s true that all lives do matter, but by saying that in response to our specific points/concerns regarding Lesbian lives, is a transparent way to minimize and deny what we are saying. It is a way to try to shut us up. It is a way to attempt to make us feel guilty for prioritizing Lesbian needs before anyone else’s.  It’s a way of saying “Lesbians Be NICE!

Whenever any group expresses concerns which are specific to them, it is both obnoxious and dismissive to immediately jump to a “but all lives matter/we’re all just alike” attitude.

It is especially offensive when people are replying “But ALL Lives Matter!” in regard to Straightbians. Straightbians have a long history of messing up Lesbian lives, in a myriad of ways ranging from breaking our hearts to spreading misinformation about us to even encouraging us to transition, and they continue to do so every single day.

Dirt and I are not advocating for harm or denial of rights to anyone, including Straightbians, but we sure as heck aren’t going to put Lesbian lives on the back burner in order to kiss Straightbian butt either. (That’s already being done by almost everyone else). Plus, Straightbians already have straight privilege, and they wield it like the weapon it is against Lesbians all the time. So they are on their own, they are not our circus.

Here’s the thing: Lesbians are different. We are still persecuted for this fact, each and every day. Anyone who is a Lesbian, or even anyone who knows Lesbians well, knows this fact, and those who are denying it are clearly not Lesbians or allies themselves.

Stop denying Lesbian existence. Stop minimizing our valid concerns. Stop trying to shut us up. Stop trying to force us to assimilate. Just…stop.

Lesbians Do Not Want Men (This Is Not Rocket Science, People!) 

Several people have sent me the link to an extremely odious Huffington Post Queer article entitled “I Came Out As A Lesbian – But Then I Fell In Love With A Man“. Thanks for the heads-up!

First of all, the fact that the publisher of the article has “Queer” in their title tells us everything we need to know.

Lesbian is NOT queer, and queer is NOT Lesbian.

Queer usually equals “special snowflake straight”.

Moving on to the article itself, there is no need to even analyze it, because the title itself is a huge spoiler:

The author clearly never was a Lesbian…instead, she just called herself one, and obviously continues to falsely use “Lesbian” as her own personal badge of blinding specialness.

News flash, cupcake: You are a garden variety het. And you always were.

And there is nothing wrong with being a het…as long as you don’t appropriate Lesbian lives with your bullshit.

I find myself repeating the same fact over and over and OVER, because of the ongoing efforts to overtake and queerify Lesbian, and I will continue to do so because it obviously needs to be said:

LESBIANS DO NOT WANT MALES. LESBIANS DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH MALES. LESBIANS DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH MALES. LESBIANS DO NOT FANTASIZE ABOUT MALES. Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Lesbians want other Lesbians.

This is not a difficult concept, folks.

The other thing Lesbians want is for ALL of the people who are lying about our lives to shut the Hell up.

Lesbian Allies (or Enemies)?

In the last year or so, on Twitter and elsewhere, a plethora of straight-privileged so-called “gender critical” individuals have appeared, acting like they have invented the wheel, without giving credit to the ones, including my sweetie Dirt, who have been saying the same thing (and more!) for YEARS.

It’s fine to be late to the party (heck, I am too!), and when it comes to any kind of enlightenment, it’s always “better late than never”, but geez…how difficult is it to give proper credit to those who figured stuff out before you even noticed it??

As just one example out of many, yesterday, one of them tweeted a meme, brazenly using the tagline that Dirt has ALWAYS used, for years now, without giving proper credit to Dirt:

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Dirt’s Tagline

When Dirt, very politely, mentioned this, and I “liked” her tweet, this individual promptly unfollowed me and completely ignored Dirt’s request, instead of simply saying “okay” or “sorry” or even (imagine this!) retweeting the meme while properly crediting Dirt.

Really?  This is the act/attitude of an “ally”?

Answer: No, it isn’t.

Bottom line: Lesbians, don’t be lulled into thinking this new wave of “gender critical” individuals are automatically our true friends or allies. I learned the hard way that there is often underlying lesbophobia lurking underneath the seemingly supportive veneer.

Lesbians Need A New Symbol

Note:  Please also read: Dirt’s companion piece, “Double Female Symbol-Not Lesbian-Then or Now” for additional information/explanation.

Dirt and I have been talking and writing for a while now about how Lesbian has been consistently misrepresented, used, and abused…twisted in a whirlwind of hetsplanations, pornifications, and outright lies.

Even the universally recognized symbol for Lesbian (intertwined female symbols) is NOT LESBIAN.

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“Lesbian” Symbol (NOT!)

Why? Well, there are many reasons; Dirt’s companion piece, “Double Female Symbol-Not Lesbian-Then or Now” for more reasons/explanation.

The piece of the puzzle that I am focusing on today is: this symbol does NOT accurately represent Lesbian because 2 females kissing, holding hands, or even making love does not mean either/both of them are actually Lesbian(s).

Any 2 females can do any of those things, of course, but it is NOT “Lesbian” unless the individuals involved are BOTH Lesbians.

Here’s the thing: If something doesn’t involve actual LESBIANS, it is NOT LESBIAN.

In TV shows and movies, if there is even the slightest whiff of flirtation between 2 female characters (even if either of the characters was having sex with a man 5 minutes earlier and/or goes on to have sex with a man 5 minutes later)…BOOM…people will immediately start talking about a “Lesbian scene” or “Lesbian subplot” or “Lesbian subtext” or “Lesbian kiss” etc. etc. etc., ad nauseum.

The following is but a very small sample of the NON-lesbian characters/scenarios in TV and movies that have been incorrectly called “Lesbian“:  (Note that I am not talking about whether or not the actors themselves are straight; I am talking about the characters/scenarios):

1). Roseanne Barr’s famous “Lesbian” kiss with Mariel Hemingway in the episode “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. While addressing homophobia, an admirable goal, was the reason given by Barr for including this scene, unfortunately, calling kissing a married straight woman a “Lesbian” (or “gay” as some  people, including Barr, incorrectly insist on saying) scene undermines real Lesbians by implying that we are defined solely by physical contact or action. Lesbian is lesbian, and straight is straight, regardless of physical/sexual activity.

2). The entire hideously offensive “Lesbian” movie “The Kids are All Right”, in which Julianne Moore’s allegedly “Lesbian” character had copious heterosexual sex throughout the whole debacle, only to claim at the end of the movie that such straight behavior didn’t mean she wasn’t a “Lesbian“.  Um…yeah, it does, in fact, mean just that.

3). Almost every “Lesbian” storyline in Orange is the New Black, starting, but sadly not ending, with Straightbian Piper’s on-again, off-again affair with Alex. This decidedly NON-Lesbian storyline is foreshadowed in the Season 1 official trailer, in which at approximately .36-.37 seconds, Piper’s mom asks “You were a lesbian?” and Piper (sitting with her MALE fiance) replies “At the time”. No, no, no, no, no! You either are, or you’re not, a Lesbian, Piper. To make matters even worse, the OITNB Lesbian characters who are supposed to be REAL Lesbians are portrayed as sexual predators (Big Boo) or killed off (Poussey).  Boo, Hiss.

4). Thelma and Louise has been applauded as an excellent example of “Lesbian” subtext. Bullshit. Both Thelma and Louise were straight women who needlessly got themselves into a difficult situation, making progressively worse and worse decisions…including Geena Davis’s character first willingly making out with a guy in the parking lot (who turned out to be a wannabe rapist) which resulted in the very reason they became outlaws, then later having wild sex with a male thief. The whole sad nonsense culminated in them driving themselves off a freaking cliff.  Thelma and Louise are not heroic feminist icons, and they are definitely NOT Lesbians.

5). Xena: Okay, this last example actually pains me to discuss, because I was a Xena fan. I realize now that I was so starved for Lesbian representation that I was willing to scarf up the “subtext” scraps the writers and actors threw us. I was willing to overlook the “maintext” plots involving male romantic entanglements. I was willing to deny my own discomfort when the show could not be trusted to even acknowledge us, much less actually care about us, despite the fan base being heavily Lesbian. Now it’s time to admit that the  so-called Xena “Lesbian subtext” was only a pitiful broken bone thrown to the hungry Lesbian audience, all the while maintaining the true heterosexuality of the 2 main characters to keep their ratings, and their straight privilege, intact.

The examples of such NON-Lesbian scenarios go on and on and on and ON.

It is time to stop this foolishness. We need to stop calling any female/female innuendo “Lesbian”. I know I said it before, but I will say it again and again and again:

If something doesn’t involve actual LESBIANS, it is NOT LESBIAN.

lezzie-symbol

 

The On-Going Bastardization Of The Meaning Of Lesbian

Not a day goes by that at least one perverted male on Twitter follows me, tweets to me, and/or sends me a personal message, often including a dick pic (ugh!!), because I have the word “Lesbian” in my profile.

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A smart and logical person will immediately see the paradox:  I state clearly that I am a LESBIAN in my profile (and a happily married one!), but yet, the use of the word “Lesbian” prompts MEN to follow, tweet to, and/or message me.

Huh??

Yes, this phenomenon is but a small part of the current sad state of affairs for Lesbians who dare to continue to call ourselves Lesbians.

Unfortunately, Lesbians are misrepresented in so many ways, by so many people, that one post alone could not possibly even scratch the surface of the multiple bastardizations of our name, so this post will focus on the issue of the pornification of  the word”Lesbian”.

A quick search of #lesbian on Twitter revealed the following (and this is just the first 3 results, note that the pornified trend continues ad nauseum below where I screencapped):

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Just from the incredibly small sample above, you will see that the word “Lesbian” is somehow FALSELY associated with MALE: porn, fetish, variations of “cum”, MILF, FUTA (which I had to look up because I had NO CLUE what it meant, and it means “f**cked up the a$$”), and cuckolded, amongst other incorrect and unsavory references.

I have one main word to describe my feelings about this, and that word is EWWWWWW.

Let me be clear:

Lesbians do NOT want men.

Lesbians do NOT date men.

Lesbians do NOT fantasize about men.

Lesbians do NOT have sex with men.

Lesbians do NOT want to be a part of men’s creepy porno fantasies.

Etc.

Lesbians are females who are solely romantically/sexually oriented toward other females. End of story. It’s not complicated, folks.

I am reminded of Saturday nights in Lesbian bars. Almost every Saturday night, about 10:00 p.m., the door would swing open and in would walk a heterosexual couple, dressed up and eagerly scanning the bar for a target for their threesome, seemingly sure that we Lesbians would be THRILLED to be chosen for their evening shenanigans. Their hopeful faces would become increasingly LESS hopeful as they scanned the sea of dykes who did not meet their pornified fantasy. You could see the confusion on their faces. Where were all the scantily-clad nubile nymphets eager to put a smile on their faces? Who were these Lesbians and why were we ignoring them?  Occasionally, the woman of the couple would sashay onto the dance floor and attempt to dance seductively with a series of puzzled, drunk dykes who regarded this activity with a mixture of suspicion, derision, and horror. Needless to say, the straight couple would leave; puzzled, disappointed, and undoubtedly frustrated. Good riddance.

Moral of the story: Lesbians are not your bitches, hets.

Some people have asked me why I don’t simply remove Lesbian from my profile to avoid these unwanted perverts. I won’t remove Lesbian from my profile because I am stubborn. I AM a Lesbian, and I am proud to be a Lesbian. If I remove the word from my profile, I am giving up and allowing ignorance to win.

Lesbian visibility is important. Lesbian is normal and we need to stand together and stand up. The more we counteract the harmful messages, the better.

Lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, lesbian is normal, LESBIAN IS NORMAL. And our lives matter.

Black Mirror’s San Junipero: A Happily-Ever-After Lesbian Love Story…???

!!SPOILER ALERT!!

The 4th episode of the 3rd series of Black Mirror, “San Junipero” (and if you’re unfamiliar with Black Mirror, think Twilight Zone meets the technological age) has been much-ballyhooed as a triumph over the tired, homophobic “Bury Your Gays” trope.

And, in many ways, it indeed seems to be a happy ending. After all, the 2 lead female characters (Warning: Second, and final, spoiler alert!!) ~ after back-and-forth drama ~ do end up in virtual-reality eternity together, complete with a happy end-scene montage to the tune of Belinda Carlisle’s “Heaven is a Place on Earth”.

But…

There seems to always be a “but” when it comes to how Lesbian love is portrayed, and this particular portrayal has a big “but”:

Only one character (Yorkie) is a Lesbian; therefore, the relationship could never be mutual, happy, or true love. (And: Yorkie is a Lesbian whose family would not accept her, leading to tragedy…an all-to-familiar outcome for many Lesbians).

The other character, Kelly, is a bored straight woman who was married for 49 years to a man. Early in the episode, Kelly vaguely alludes to some never-acted-upon same-sex attractions over the years of her heterosexual marriage:

“They were crushes…Never acted on any of it. Never did anything. I really was in love with him.

This fleeting reference to Kelly’s unrequited same-sex flirtations led some viewers to call her “queer” or “bisexual”…but the truth is, it is clear that Kelly is oriented toward males. She married and stayed with a man for decades; plus, only a week before she meets Yorkie in San Junipero, Kelly was f**king a random man for “fun”.

The creator/writer, Charlie Brooker, explains in a spoiler interview (in reference to the same-sex relationship which is central to this story):

“in terms of the writing of it, I tried not to think of that. It’s just two souls.”

The actress who played Kelly, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, chimes in with:

“And that’s sort of the beautiful thing about the characters—in relation to their sexuality—is it’s really not about that, it’s not an issue, it’s not a problem. Obviously they all have their own relationships, how they’ve come to be in San Junipero and their own histories, but I think it’s about human beings and love and souls. And it’s not about it being a problem. That wasn’t the focus of the story and I think that’s actually really refreshing.”

Of course, all of that sounds very accepting and liberal and oh-so-very-nice, doesn’t it?

But here’s the thing: That sort of “sexuality-is-fluid, it’s not about same-sex love, we’re all just people, it’s just two souls” rhetoric is completely dismissive and erasing of real Lesbians. Note that they cannot even say the word “Lesbian”; instead they both refer to us and our love as “that!

For Lesbians, our love is not just about “two sexless souls”; our orientation is not “fluid”; and furthermore, we deserve to BE the actual focus of a story.

But it’s not just the hetsplaining and (seemingly) benign ignorance of the creator/writer and the actress that  I had a problem with in this episode.

My MAIN problem is, as usual, the Lesbian was just expected to accept, even embrace, shoddy treatment from a Straightbian, as if we are somehow LUCKY to be graced by their presence.

I am referring to the scene that decisively showed Kelly’s true colors and her arrogant straight privilege: the scene in which she abusively slapped Yorkie in the face, then condescendingly lectured her:

You can’t begin to imagine. You can’t know the bond, the commitment, the boredom, the yearning, the laughter, the love of it. The fucking love.
You just cannot know! Everything we sacrificed.
The years I gave him. The years he gave me.
Did you think to ask? Did it occur to you to ask? We had a daughter. Alison.
Always difficult, always beautiful. Died at 39 years old, bless her heart.
And Richard and I, we felt that heartbreak as one.
You think you’re the only person ever suffered, go fuck yourself…I pitied you, and that’s the truth.I pitied you. Now you give me some sales pitch about how fucking peachy forever could be… You wanna spend forever somewhere nothing matters? End up like Wes? All those lost fucks at the Quagmire trying anything to feel something, go ahead. But I’m out. I’m gone.

(Gagging loudly).

Kelly obviously didn’t remember (or care) that she was the one who refused to talk about serious topics, opting on insisting on a “good time”, instead of forming a real connection. Kelly obviously thinks that Lesbian Yorkie couldn’t possibly fathom the “depth” of her heterosexual marriage. She admits she married Yorkie out of PITY…not love…or even friendship. Furthermore, Kelly is quick to dismiss and disparage the people in the Quagmire (a new-wave, punk-rock sort of “anything-goes” club) as “lost fucks” even though she herself visited there for recreational f**king! Hypocritical much, Kelly?

Many viewers discussed in reviews and in online discussions about how “touching” the above scene was, because they perceived it to show “depth” to Kelly’s character.

Um…no.

What this specific scene showed was NOT true “depth”…at all. Instead, what it showed was Kelly’s complete disrespect and disdain for someone who had been nothing but kind and loving toward her. It showed the writer’s casual and callous dismissal of Lesbian feelings in favor of the alleged fabled “bond” of a heterosexual union. It showed the underlying nastiness lurking below Kelly’s seemingly fun and free-spirited facade. It showed outright physical and emotional abuse. It showed Kelly’s true heterosexual orientation and straight privilege. It showed an utter lack of understanding of, and a complete lack of respect for, not only the Lesbian lover who Kelly purported to care about, but also for Lesbians in general. And there is absolutely zero acknowledgement of, or empathy for, the tragic and HOMOPHOBIC circumstances that ruined Yorkie’s life.

Instead of discussing the very real dilemma Kelly was facing in a way that would have shown respect for the woman she allegedly cared about, Kelly’s character was shown to lash out physically and verbally in a very mean-spirited, immature, unattractive, narcissistic, selfish, straight-privileged, and egocentric manner.

And instead of handing Kelly her ass on a platter as she should have done, the Lesbian character, Yorkie, ends up apologizing, as if she had anything whatsoever to apologize for.

Furthermore, despite Kelly offering no apology to Yorkie (nor did any scenes afterward indicate any real soul-searching on the part of Kelly), the audience is magically supposed to believe that Kelly suddenly decides to show up in San Junipero for a happily-ever-after eternity with Yorkie and we are supposed buy into the concept that Yorkie should be happy to get Kelly back.

The sad truth is that Kelly would be f**king a man within a month, and Yorkie would get her Lesbian heart broken.

This is NOT the happy ending Lesbians deserve. Instead, San Junipero turns out to be just another slap in the face. 

brokenhearts

#PicsArt #FreeToEdit

Lesbians do NOT “Eschew Femininity”

Reposted from Dirt’s blog, originally posted here:

Radical Feminists, Straightbians, Separatist Lesbians and other assorted Lesbian posers have for the last 40 years spoke of “eschewing femininity”, demanded women “eschew femininity” and claim Lesbians “eschew femininity” all over the place.

The idea being if all women ungender themselves (like Lesbians), then men will magically cease to view women as sexual objects, give women the key to all areas of business that shut women out and women will have the money and power and equality with men all women purportedly desire as claimed by a few RadFems.

The very idea of eschewing femininity by early Radical lesbian Feminists and Women’s Lib groups spawned from Lesbians joining feminist groups under the assumption that FINALLY straight women have awoken. Lesbians could lend themselves to a female cause that would benefit us in work area’s and a cause that had the (Straight) strength in numbers that Lesbians have historically lacked. Styles of being/culture that are natural to many Lesbians were quickly commodified by RadFems. Lesbian culture now firmly in the soft lily white palms of RadFems quickly metastasized into Feminists everywhere eschewing femininity for equality. Even DICKtating to Lesbians then who joined RadFem groups to be more androgynous or be off.

The notion that Lesbians “eschew femininity” is as ignorant as it is lesbophobic. It implies that dyke is simply something Lesbians put on in order to remove ourselves from the dreaded Male Gaze, in order to complete with men and in order to solicit the attention of women.

Here’s a clue: Lesbians do not go around thinking about the Male Gaze and how we can escape it; we dress for comfort not politics. We do not think at age 1 or 2 that “hey I don’t wanna wear that dress cuz the boys might look at my sexy newly formed legs or try to look up my dress to see my diaper”, we don’t think about it at all!

Lesbians dress according to our Lesbian brains that go with our Lesbian bodies, both quite different than that of heterosexual females. Even Femmes or Lipstick Lezzies dress/occupy clothing stereotyped as feminine completely different that straight women, they wear a dress, it does NOT wear them-EVER.

Radical Feminists/Feminists derived the idea that “femininity could be eschewed” contributing to the onslaught against Lesbian as biology, Lesbian as REAL.

Eschewing femininity” helped to sell the idea that just as easy as high heels could be kicked off sore feet or short skirts replaced with comfy pants, so to could straight feminists remove men from their relationships and replace them with comfy Lesbians and with a simple change of outfit become Lesbians themselves.

RadFems/Feminists HATE (their own) biology and early on worked to bulldoze biology into oblivion and in doing so undermine Lesbian, co-opt Lesbian and redesign/define Lesbian into an unfeminine one-size-fits-all couture. Lesbian has become the little black dress in every RadFem closet.

Clothes are for fucking closets, and closets are the only fucking things LESBIANS have fucking eschewed!

dirt