Approximately a week or two ago, the Kindle Edition of the The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (2nd edition) by Felice Newman was on sale ($1.99), so I thought “What the heck?” and bought it.
I already suspected this book was yet another buttload of crap (pun semi-intended) because of Dirt’s and my earlier research into many (so-called)
lesbian experts (who are neither lesbian nor expert) Susie Bright and Shar Rednour, among others.
After reading it, I sadly came to the conclusion that IMHO, the book is indeed total crap.
Actually, to say this book is “total crap” is unnecessarily complimentary. This book would have to dig its way out of the sewer and make its way up through the pipes and into the toilet before it could even be considered crap.
“Pour quoi“? you may be asking.
The answer is: So many reasons, so little time.
Since the horseshit is shoveled abundantly in this book, I will have to focus on the absolute worst of the worst for this post.
Let’s start with this little gem from Chapter 1:
Okay, remember: this book is supposed to be about and for LESBIANS. The word “LESBIAN” is even in the freaking title.
First of all, most Lesbians aren’t promiscuous enough to have sex with random people (and groups of people!) as the first paragraph implies.
Secondly, and more importantly, the major flaw of the above quote comes with the second paragraph, which erroneously and slanderously implies that Lesbians have sex with men.
News Flash: Lesbians do NOT have sex with men.
Lesbians want to be with other LESBIANS. Period. End of story. It’s not rocket science, folks.
This ridiculous theme of (alleged) “
lesbians” wanting sex with men, fantasizing about sex with men, having sex with men, etc. etc. etc. is repeated ad nauseum throughout this book, so I won’t belabor each and every example of this blatant falsehood. Bottom line: NO, WE DON’T.
Moving on from this damaging and untrue theme (although the author unwisely didn’t), my next major gripe occurs in Chapter 2:
The author seems to assume that Lesbians either do, or should, have a fetish. The author turns Lesbian love-making into a completely unrecognizable hypersexualized kinky fetishistic fuckfest.
Here are just a few of the bizarre and unrecognizable alleged “
lesbian sex” (NOT!) examples mentioned by the author in Chapter 2: blood play, breast whipping, caning, enemas, golden showers, knife play, paying for sex, and triple penetration.
The author moves on to supposed
L fantasies, and right off the bat, we’re back to my original complaint: “Lesbians can and do get off to fantasies about sex with men“, the author claims. esbian
Um…no. No, no, no, no, no.
Lesbians: I have said it before and I will say it again now: If your lover wants you to pretend to be a male in bed, or fantasizes about having a male join you in bed, or in any way whatsoever brings the concept of “male” into your bedroom, you are dealing with a Straightbian.
Lesbians are females who are sexually/romantically oriented solely to females. Regardless of what lesbians are doing in bed, there will never be a male involved, even in fantasy.
Another purported frequent “
Lesbian” fantasy, according to our increasingly offensive author, is “Age Play” (also known as “incest fantasies” ~ ugh!): “Daddy/girl, Daddy/boy, Mommy/girl, Mommy/boy are popular forms“, says the author.
Hmmmm…let me think…how can I express my feelings about this topic in the nicest way possible?
Okay, here goes: That is some seriously sick, twisted, perverted, disgusting, and deviant shit.
(And that is the nice version of my thoughts on the matter).
Children should NEVER be a part of any sexual encounter, even in someone’s sicko fantasies.
My hope for those who are into “age/incest play”: Please get some serious therapy, because you truly need it if you think that pretending your lover is your “Daddy” (or that you are the “Daddy” having sex with a child, or any other variation of this repulsive “game”) is a hot or a harmless fantasy.
Furthermore, these fantasies are NOT LESBIAN.
Lesbians desire other ADULT Lesbians.
Lesbians don’t want to be your freaking “Daddy” or your “little boy” (or any other variation of this disgusting fantasy).
Some Lesbians may play along with this horrid game in order to please their fucked-up STRAIGHT girlfriend, or, in some cases, perhaps because they have been abused themselves and are acting out (See **Important Note, below).
In general, though, “age/incest play” is NOT a part of Lesbian sex.
**Important Note: Lesbians, like anyone else, may be victims of child sexual abuse, but to be very clear, being Lesbian is NOT caused by, nor in any way related to, sexual abuse.
Instead of being truly “
Lesbian“, this “age/incest” fantasy/activity is perpetrated by mixed-up Straightbians; most likely in a misguided and futile attempt to heal childhood wounds. Rather than addressing these wounds in a healthy manner, instead, they play out these wounds in an endless loop of sordid sex, pain, and confusion…never making progress, never achieving true intimacy.
(I normally would feel sorry for such confused individuals, but these people are doing it, and publicly gloating about it, in the name of “
Lesbian“…and that is unforgivable).
I wish I could say that “age/incest play” is the worst lie the author gives as an alleged “
Lesbian” sexual fantasy, but alas, shockingly, it’s not!
What could possibly be worse? Molestation (sex with minors!!), necrophilia (sex with dead people!!), and bestiality (sex with animals!!) are also all listed as supposed “
Let me say it again: THESE ARE NOT LESBIAN FANTASIES/ACTIVITIES. Please stop perverting Lesbians with these outright lies, Felice Newman.
And readers, please, please, please get professional help if you actually do fantasize about any of that.
Moving on to the author’s “
helpful” (NOT!) tips on purported “ Lesbian” porn:
Hmmmm, I’m sensing a theme, aren’t you? Newman seems to want to pound (hahaha!) it into everyone’s heads the absolute lie that “
Lesbians want men!” We don’t.
Again, it should go without saying, but apparently some people are too stupid to think it through, so it bears repeating:
Lesbians do NOT want men, so please take that drivel and shove it really far, far, far up where the sun don’t shine, Newman (et al.).
I almost made it through Chapter 3 without wanting to bang my head on a wall, because it’s a relatively straightforward chapter on female anatomy/health.
However, sadly, I did not make it all the way through this chapter either, because Newman offers this lovely tip about “female anatomy”:
Sighing loudly. I hope I won’t have to explain to anyone what is wrong with that snippet. (Spoiler alert: BIOLOGY MATTERS).
Let’s ignore the next few chapters. While I certainly didn’t agree with all of what was written in them, they didn’t make the list of the worst of the worst.
Moving on to Chapter 14, let’s examine this quote:
First problem: Lesbian is NOT about “gender”, and that statement includes Butch/Femme Lesbians. To explain why would require its own post, but for the purposes of this post, suffice it to say that Butch/Femme Lesbians are NOT playacting/performing “gender roles”. We are simply being ourselves. Remember: LESBIAN IS ITS OWN NORMAL!
Second problem: Butch sexuality is NOT in any way male sexuality. Please read Dirt’s post on this very topic, where she directly addresses yet more nonsense by this very same author.
The depicted image in the above quote of a
Butch swaggering around, Barney-Fife-style, with her “thumbs hooked in belt loops“, trying to draw attention to the “lump in her jeans” is not only devastatingly incorrect, it’s downright insulting to real Butches.
Similarly, the description of an “aggressively erotic” hyper-feminine
Femme who is “unconditionally interested in her own sex” (whatever that means) is a depiction of a Straightbian…NOT a real Femme. This cartoonish image is both untrue and damaging to real Femmes.
More Butch/Femme bullshit ensues. This entire paragraph is FALSE.
Butch/Femme is NOT an “identity” to be “adopted“, it is NOT a “sexual dynamic“, and it is NOT a vague, nebulous concept that varies with the wind.
We most certainly do NOT “come from all genders and sexual orientations“!
Butches and Femmes are LESBIANS. Simple.
As I said above, Butch/Femme is NOT about “playing with gender signifiers“; we aren’t playing dress-up, for God’s sake! We are born this way.
Also, the traditional/historic/correct usage of the terms Butch and Femme is in relation to the Butch/Femme dynamic. Therefore, there is no such thing as “
Butch-on-Butch” or “ Femme-on-Femme“.
Some may think this is quibbling about language, but for a group that is constantly misunderstood and misrepresented, correct language matters deeply, and it is both erasing and insulting to see our terms used improperly.
The next chapters deal with various aspects of BDSM. While I don’t feel as harshly about general BDSM as I do about “age/incest play”, I do object to the assumption that all, or even most, Lesbians are into BDSM, and particularly hardcore BDSM. For the author to take up copious space about hardcore BDSM in a purported “
Lesbian sex” book gives the false impression that hardcore BDSM is indeed “the norm” for most Lesbians.
I would have lived the rest of my Lesbian life quite happily ~ in fact, even happier ~ having never known a damn thing about a “golden showers bottom” or a “tit-torture top” or a “scat bottom” or a “rimming top” or “blood play” or “seeks menstruating partners” or “sex in a body bag“, thank you very much.
An extensive section is then devoted to “play parties” (AKA group sex parties). I have known a ton of Lesbians in my life, and never…I repeat, NEVER…have I even heard of any “
Lesbian Sex Party”.
Lesbians, at least for the most part, are monogamous, even if some are serial monogamists. Those serial monogamous relationships might only last years (or months) versus a lifetime, but they are one-on-one relationships with the intent on lasting the long haul.
It is NOT Lesbian culture to have orgies. It’s just not. Not even in California, because the famous ones having all the orgies…guess what…aren’t Lesbians!
These are the same twisted sisters we have written about before, and others like them: Straightbians who are acting out their sexual dysfunction and incorrectly calling it Lesbian.
I could go on and on about this book, and many others like it, which not only buy into the absurd notions listed in this post (and many more), but even worse, actively spread and perpetuate this misinformation.
I am speaking out about this because these lies are harmful to real Lesbians in many ways.
Lesbians already struggle with invisibility in a heterosexually-dominated world, and lying about us makes us all the more invisible, because the truth about the REAL us is not being told.
Misinformation like this also is actively dangerous to Lesbians, in several ways. It is literally dangerous, because it reinforces some males’ delusions that Lesbians really do want men, leading to unwanted attention, harassment, stalking, or even physical violence.
It is also dangerous because it makes it seem like Lesbians are perverts, when WE are not the ones who are the perverts. People who (incorrectly!) believe Lesbians are perverts can do much damage to us, in many different ways (laws against us; refusal to hire us; firing us; denial of housing; violence; etc.).
Another, more insiduous, danger is the cumulative effect of constantly reading/hearing falsehoods about ourselves has on Lesbians. It makes us more willing to put up with nonsense in relationships. It isolates us. It removes us from ourselves. It makes us feel even more puzzled, confused, and alone than we already are, because we don’t recognize ourselves in what we read/hear/see.
It can even lead to Lesbians transitioning, because propaganda, like what is in this book and in many other sources, normalizes transition and makes it seem like an appropriate “step” for many Lesbians to take. Already separated from the norms of straight females, reading nonsense like this can make Lesbians’ normal feelings of “otherness” seem like we really “should be male”.
No, Lesbians are fine as we are. And we’d be even better if warped opportunistic charlatans would shut the fuck up.