Tag Archive | Lesbian Truth

What’s In A Name: Or, Do All Lesbians Experience Some Form of Dysphoria?

When I was about 12 or 13, I decided I did not like my given name (Anna). To make matters worse, being from the U.S. South, I was called by both my first and middle names (Anna Lynn). (This phenomenon was prevalent at that time where I grew up; many of my female peers had double names like Ellie Jo or Mary Beth or Maggie Jean).

At the time, I wasn’t exactly able to articulate why I didn’t like my name. The best I could come up with was that it felt too “girly” somehow…it just didn’t feel right.

And that wasn’t the only thing going wrong for me at the time either. I was distressed with the changes in my body; specifically, I didn’t feel comfortable with my new curves, primarily because I felt I wasn’t running or swimming as fast as before. I felt awkward, off-kilter, out-of-sorts, and just plain wrong in ways that I couldn’t fully explain in words. And I still have trouble explaining it in words.

So I upped my exercise to minimize curves, while I secretly fantasized about finding a new name for myself. My parents had considered naming me Jodie after my father, and I steadfastly wished they had. Other contenders were my middle name (Lynn), Bennett (a distant family name and my current writing pseudonym), and Alex (because it seemed suitably androgynous).

I didn’t mention any of this angst to my parents. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. A lot of thought had gone into my name, and I had been named after a beloved relative, so I didn’t want to offend by admitting I was unhappy with my name.

So I kept my feelings to myself, something I was extraordinarily good at. Any feelings I had were sublimated through daily runs, bicycle riding, hiking, swimming, and tree climbing. My basketball coach always jokingly called me “Bo” anyway (teasing me as if I had a “bow leg”, referring to the knee “brace” I had to wear to run suicide drills), and even that felt more right than my real name. (Side note: It’s apparently no longer politically correct to call those exercises “suicide drills” because everybody is apparently such a tender, delicate, oh-so-precious little snowflake now. Oh, well, that is what they were called at the time so that’s what I’m going with. Sigh.).

My point is: As a young Lesbian, I felt uncomfortable in a way that I didn’t have words for (and I still struggle to explain, even now) about having a (so-called) “feminine” name, even though I am what I’ve seen referred to as a “feminine-presenting lesbian” (although, ironically, certainly not as “feminine” as many people seem to expect me to be — see my previous post, Not Femme Enough…?).

The nebulous feeling that I am struggling to articulate relates directly to what I was trying to describe in my previous post, Lesbians Are Different.

Ever since I was a child, I always had straight female friends as well as male friends, and I always knew I was different than both in fundamental ways.

While I never experienced what I would consider to be true or severe dysphoria, I did, and still do, feel significant discomfort and a certain cognitive dissonance when I have tried to “dress up” and act “feminine”.

After talking to many other Lesbians over the years, who universally reported similar feelings to varying degrees, I now believe that all Lesbians experience some form of dysphoria, ranging from mild to severe, which stems from being inherently different in a heterocentric world.

We will likely write on this topic later.

“Not Femme Enough”…?

This is a post I have been slowly working on, a little at a time, because I am finding it quite difficult to process and articulate this topic; also, recently, I have been focused on my beloved sick cat, Ari, so it’s been hard to focus more than a few minutes on anything else.

Before I start trying to explain today’s topic, I wanted to mention that I’ve written before about being a Femme Lesbian, and this post will continue with that topic.

If you are interested in reading those previous posts, which are directly related to this post and which provide some important background to this post, here are the links:

Deciphering Butch/Femme

Femme: Defining Ourselves

Femme: Fact Versus Fiction

Do Femmes Wear Lipstick?

Today’s post is about the rampant misconceptions and outright lies about Femmes, and how these misconceptions and lies are prevalent, even within the Lesbian community.

There is a huge gap between what people THINK Femmes are versus what we ACTUALLY are.

Many people incorrectly THINK Femme Lesbians:

  • are hyperfeminine;
  • are obsessed with makeup, clothes, hair, shoes, etc.
  • are overtly seductive and hypersexual
  • are helpless, dependent, clingy, needy, etc.
  • are dumb, flighty, stupid, etc.
  • are Stepford Wives
  • are uninformed, unfeminist, old-fashioned, etc.
  • are “mimicking heterosexuality”
  • are an “identity” that can be chosen by anybody
  • are “performing gender”
  • are “really Straightbians
  • are subservient to Butches
stilettos

Shoes People THINK I Wear: Image: Pixabay: Pexels: CC0

These stereotypes have been perpetuated by a huge number of sources, including, but not limited to, so-called Lesbian experts” who are neither Lesbian nor expert, by purported Femmes who are actually Straightbians, by allegedly  Lesbian magazines/media/blogs/etc. which are decidedly NOT Lesbian, and by websites/forums which falsely proclaim to be for Butch/Femme Lesbians, but instead are just hideous mockeries, chock-full of Straightbians mingling with a few lonely, confused dykes.

Here is the truth about Femme Lesbians ~ we are:

  • REAL LESBIANS;
  • Born this way;
  • Equal partners in our relationships;
  • Independent, capable, strong, practical, etc.;
  • Typically outspoken;
  • Just being ourselves (Meaning: We are NOT mimicking heterosexuality, NOT performing gender, NOT playacting, etc.);
  • NOT obsessed with looks, makeup, hair, nails, clothes, shoes, etc.;
  • Dress appropriately for the task; function is important;
  • Can/do dress up if/when we choose to, but we don’t feel the need to impress the guy bagging our groceries;
  • NOT an “identity” which can just be adopted by anyone; because you either ARE a Femme Lesbian OR you are NOT…period.
Converse

Shoes I ACTUALLY Wear: Image: Pixabay: Wokandapix: CC0

So, you would assume that most actual Lesbians would be free of such misinformed assumptions, but sadly, this is rarely the case.

This widespread ignorance, even within the Lesbian community, results in real Femmes often feeling invisible. Sometimes, this invisibility presents itself in the form of being rejected and/or unrecognized by other Lesbians. At other times, paradoxically, this invisibility presents itself as being thought of as “not Femme enough” to some dykes who have issues of their own which leads them to partner with Straightbians.

Please see Dirt’s companion post, here, about some of the possible issues dykes might have which would lead them to partner with Straightbians. I won’t be covering that in this post.

Instead, I wanted to address the issue of my being perceived as “not Femme enough” by some dykes. This phenomenon has happened to me, although I didn’t fully understand it until recently. For instance, I was told repeatedly by 2 previous Butch partners that I was “too athletic”, and I was encouraged incessantly by both of them to dress more provocatively and to wear more makeup, etc. I didn’t EVER stop working out, nor did I change my appearance/clothes (because I am a particularly stubborn person, LOL!), but I will admit that such comments did bother me and make me feel criticized and unwanted. Interestingly, although not surprisingly, both of these Butches had only dated Straightbians before me, and both went back to dating Straightbians after we broke up. In other words, both of them were comparing me to Straightbians, and found me quite lacking in the hyper-femininity department. Both of them wanted another kind of woman (a Straightbian!) who would meet the male fantasy of a sexy, seductive woman —  which is so NOT me.

Another instance in which this scenario has affected me is when someone Dirt and I know online (from our blogs or Twitter or Facebook) wants to meet us in person. I always worry about what people’s reactions will be when I don’t meet their incorrect Straightbian/sexy/seductive/MALE-fantasy notions of what a Femme “should” be. Often, it feels that people are expecting me to show up looking/dressed like I plan to be on the cover of Vogue, but when they meet me, I am always dressed as I normally do (which certainly does NOT include high heels, skimpy dresses, or plunging necklines; instead, it usually includes shorts/pants, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes).

It is impossible not to feel that such people are somehow disappointed with me for not being the femme fatale of their imagination. (Not even remotely close!).

When I was younger, I was both puzzled and hurt by such situations. Now that I am older (and hopefully at least a little bit wiser), I finally realize that I am fine as I am; heck, I always was. I am proud to be a dyke. If anyone has the nerve to feel like I am doing it wrong, she is the one with the problem, not me.

Time for a Pop Quiz!

Here’s a quick pop quiz to test basic reasoning skills.

Just answer “Yes” or “No” to each of the questions below:

1). Can a cat become a dog?

2). Can a pickle become a potato chip?

3). Can a horse become a cowboy?

4). Can chocolate become vanilla?

5). Can a tree become a rock?

6). Can a gay man or a lesbian become straight?

7). Can an Android become an iPhone?

8). Can a fork become a spoon?

9). Can a fish become a cow?

10). Can a heterosexual woman become a lesbian?

If you answered “No” to ALL of the questions on this quiz, congratulations! You are officially smarter than many people who have a Ph.D.!

If you answered “Yes” to ANY of the questions on this quiz, have fun living in La-La Land.

Choice Or Not?

Let’s all play a little game.

Which ONE of the following is NOT A CHOICE?

  • Clothing
  • Hairstyle
  • Shoes
  • Tattoos
  • Piercings
  • Political affiliation
  • What to eat for dinner
  • Shaving
  • Watching TV
  • Becoming a vegan
  • Painting your toenails
  • Using deodorant
  • Drinking tequila
  • Giving up sugar
  • Smoking
  • Attending church
  • Having sex (Note: meaning: consensual sex between willing adults, of course!)
  • Straight females “eschewing” relationships with males
  • Being a Lesbian

For anyone who chose “Being a Lesbian” as the ONLY item which is NOT A CHOICE: Ding ding ding! You won the game! Hooray! Woo-hoo! Good for you!

For everyone else, please go find another blog that will tell you the lies you want to hear.

Here’s The Thing

To save myself, Dirt, and/or other real Lesbians from having the same argument with Straightbians, other straight “feminists“, and various other assorted dillweeds on Twitter or elsewhere over and over and OVER, I wanted to do a general post to address the most common nonsense we encounter.

So, without further ado, here are the definitive answers to the common malarkey we hear from Straightbians, purported “feminists” and other assorted asshats:

Accusation:

Dirt and/or I and/or other Lesbians are “really male” and/or “really transgender“.

Answer:

Hahahahaha(gaspsforbreath)hahahahahaha!

Seriously, folks: Are you really THAT stupid? (Hint: If you are dumb enough to tweet, retweet, like, and/or believe these lies: Sadly for you, you are officially more than a few fries short of a Happy Meal).

Both of our real identities have been revealed…long ago, and….drum roll, please….wait for it….wait for it….BOOM!:

We are BOTH Lesbians!

(Duh).

Here’s a helpful hint, Einstein:  Try doing even just a tiny bit of basic research and using just a small smidgen of critical thinking skills, if you have any, to avoid looking like a completely vacuous air-headed idiot by saying such foolish things in the future. (Or, alternatively: If the asinine shoe fits…go ahead and slip that stiletto right on, “sister”).

Furthermore, accusations that Lesbians are “really male” is a clear indicator that the accuser is a Straightbian. Why? Because it’s clear that she has no clue whatsoever how Lesbians communicate, look, act, or respond. So, keep talking, cupcake, because you’re just proving our points with every ludicrous thing  you say.

Accusation:

Dirt and I claim that Lesbians are not biologically female.

Answer:

Sighing loudly. Nope. Learn to read. Learn to comprehend what you read. Learn to think. That is, if you can. Otherwise, shut the heck up and leave the thinking to those who are smart enough to decipher what is ACTUALLY being said: That Lesbians are different than STRAIGHT females. Geez.

(Double duh).

Accusation:

Dirt and I hate straight women.

Answer:

Again, no. (Really, what is wrong with some people’s ability to read and to comprehend what they read??). We don’t hate straight women; we hate when Straightbians speak for and about Lesbians.

Accusation:

Dirt and I harass, bully, threaten, dox, stalk, and/or have gotten people fired from their jobs (and other assorted variations of these lies).

Answer:

Not just no, but OH HELL NO. No to all the above and to any/all other variations of this complete lie.

Calling a Straightbian a Straightbian is NOT harassment, bullying, etc.; rather, it is falsely called harassment, bullying, etc. because the truth hurts.

Bottom Line: If you find yourself so very threatened by someone else’s assessment of you that you stoop to spreading riDICKulous lies and/or creating DICKsgusting drama to prop up your own clearly-threatened weak ego, it’s a sure sign that YOU are not secure in your own (false) “identity” as a “Lesbian“.

Real Lesbians would simply respond directly. Real Lesbians are not threatened by being called a Straightbian. Why? Because real Lesbians know who we are and we don’t need anyone else’s approval.

So, if you find yourself OVERreacting to the point of making a total ass of yourself, it’s time to consider why what we are saying is so threatening to you. (Spoiler: You are looking more and more and MORE like a STRAIGHTBIAN with every hysterical OVERreaction).

Remember this same principle if you see someone else overreacting and outright lying in a similar manner: “Protesting too much” is an actual thing. And Straightbians doth protest way too much because they have built their entire lives (and, quite often, careers) on the LIE that they are “lesbians“.

Similarly, those who falsely claim that Dirt is “doxxing” anyone are also wrong. Posting what is already posted publicly on the internet is NOT “doxxing”. Dirt is NOT publishing real names, addresses, workplaces, phone numbers, and/or any other personal/private information, nor would she.

Again: Learn to THINK, people. Do some basic research of your own to come to a fully-informed conclusion before blindly believing lies; my blog and Twitter account are both public, and so are Dirt’s.

Helpful Hint: Whenever anyone is just throwing out triggering accusations — without any actual examples, data, or proof to back up the allegations — it is time to strongly consider the obvious reason for the lack of details. The reason is: IT NEVER HAPPENED. Someone is actively lying to you and manipulating you. Wake up and smell the BS, people.

Accusation:

Dirt and I block people “because they asked a question or disagreed”.

Answer:

No. People ask questions and disagree with us ALL THE TIME, yet we don’t block them all. Why? People who are polite and respectful and willing to engage in discussion (even civil disagreement) do NOT get blocked. Well, who gets blocked then? Rude/disrespectful people; lesbophobes; pornified accounts; people who just want to argue incessantly and clearly have no intention of having a discussion; trolls; bots; liars and those who continue to follow/support outright liars; and all other toxic people.

Accusation:

Dirt and I call everyone who disagrees with us a Straightbian.

Answer:

Yet again: NO. So: Who do we call a Straightbian? Hmmmm….let’s all THINK about it now…yes, even those who are bringing up the rear, brain-power-wise…oh, yeah…that’s right: STRAIGHTBIANS, that’s who! (Triple Duh). If we have called you a Straightbian, it’s simply because you exhibit many of the signs of being a Straightbian. If anyone in these posts here and here sound like you…oh yeah, cupcake, guess what? YOU ARE A STRAIGHTBIAN.

Accusation:

Dirt, I, and/or other Lesbians are “ugly”, “homely”, “mannish”, and/or any other insults to our physical appearance.

Answer:

Sometimes, mean-spirited and apparently unimaginative individuals will stoop to insulting our physical appearance. When this happens, such insults always say much more about the insulter than they do about the person/people being insulted.

If you choose to act in such an immature, unattractive, and toxic fashion, just know that your true nasty colors show through more clearly with each and every insult you hurl.

People will eventually see you for what you really are: a petty, mean, vile, repugnant, ignorant asshat.

And Karma always sees you too.

Furthermore, insulting someone’s appearance is a sure sign that you do NOT have a coherent argument to offer regarding the actual topic of discussion.

And: For those who are falsely calling themselves “feminist” and/or “gender-critical“, faking copious concern about the transitioning of Lesbians, while clicking the “retweet” or “like” button on any tweet directly insulting the physical appearance of Lesbians: We see you as the hypocritical, fraudulent liars that you are. YOU are the problem.

Dirt and I don’t give a darn whether or not you like what we look like. Dirt and I are happy with ourselves and with each other. If you don’t like the way we (and/or other Lesbians) look, don’t look at us. Problem solved!

Here’s the thing: Reading what we write is completely optional. If you don’t like us, the way we look, who we are, and/or what we write, just go away. Far away. Now. Don’t let the door hit your sorry butt on the way out.

We trust that the REAL Lesbians who need to hear what we are saying will find us and will understand what we are saying…which, by the way, is exactly what Straightbians are afraid of.

Straightbians WANT us to shut up, because we are giving away their dirty little secrets.

But we are NOT writing for Straightbians AND we will never shut up.

Real Lesbians deserve the truth. And our message is for LESBIANS only.

Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: Part 2: So Many ASSes

As a follow up to our previous post entitled Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: AKA the Seven ASSes, we wanted to follow up with 2 other subtypes of Straightbian, both of whom may likely have significant overlap with some of the previously described 7 subtypes.

Additionally, although this should go without saying, obviously it needs to be said anyway, based on comments we have received:

Of course, some just-plain-straight females (not Straightbian posers claiming to be Lesbian, but straight-up heterosexual females) may share characteristics that fall into one or more of these archetypes. That makes sense, since both just-plain-straight females and Straightbians share a VERY important characteristic: THEY ARE STRAIGHT, but always remember: we are never going to be talking about straight women unless they are impacting upon Lesbians in some way

So, before you comment, “I know a straight female who likes Tarot”, please stop and remember that unless she is a STRAIGHTBIAN, we are not talking about her, nor denying her existence. She is simply irrelevant to this topic.

So, without further ado, here are 2 follow-up ASSes to add to our previous Assorted STRAIGHTBIAN Subtypes:

8). White Picket Fence and 2 Children In The Suburbs Straightbian: The White Picket Fence (WPF) Straightbian just wants to fit in, to be “normal” (in the eyes of society), yet still retaining her Straightbian status due to her own pathology.

This Straightbian will say that there is absolutely no difference between herself and her soccer-mom neighbor, except who she is in a relationship with (and, actually, she is right about that…because they are BOTH STRAIGHT!).

“We’re all the same”, White Picket Fence loves to say, “Why label people?” Because “Love is Love”, after all! “We’re all human, why create all of these unnecessary divisions?”, WPF often thinks, shaking her perky head.

The White Picket Fence Straightbian loves this cup and carries it everywhere because, gosh darn it, we are all just HUMAN, now aren’t we?:

The White Picket Fence Straightbian cares very much about appearances and fitting in with society’s expectations.

She is in a relationship with another female (either another White Picket Fence Straightbian or a Lesbian who can pass as Straight) but, by golly, she and her partner are going to FIT IN OR BUST:

House in the suburbs? Check!
Golden Retriever? Check!
Volvo? Check!
Casually rumpled, but subtly elegant, decor? Check!
White wedding? Check!
2 adorable children? Check!
Picture-perfect holidays? Check!
Roth IRA and 401K? Check and Check!

On social media, she will call herself something like “just2mommies2kidsand1goldenretriever”. She will follow only others exactly like herself, “eschewing” any real Lesbians who point out that Lesbians are actually different than straight women. So darn divisive, those Lezzies are!

LOVE IS LOVE, after all…

White Picket Fence may be married to a female…

BUT she is not a Lesbian.

8a). Sunshine and Roses:

Relatedly, a sub-sub (-sub…?) type of the White Picket Fence is the Sunshine and Roses Straightbian, who is an emotionally-fragile straight female who uses relentless, sugary-sweet positivity to completely escape/avoid dealing with her own issues that have led her to mistakenly believe she is a “Lesbian“.

Sunshine and Roses was perhaps physically, emotionally, and/or sexually abused as a child; or at least likely had a very chaotic, disturbing home life while growing up. She likely has had very bad previous experiences/relationships with past boyfriend(s)/husband(s).

Sunshine and Roses is desperate to escape not only those bad situations, but also all of the heavy emotional baggage that she carries from those situations.

In fact, she has stuffed that baggage down so far that she actually mistakenly thinks she has left it behind.

On social media and in real life, Sunshine and Roses “eschews” all negativity and strives to keep herself forever insulated from real-world unpleasantness. Her social media posts are likely predominantly inspirational memes and/or cutesy GIFs and/or dreamy “Peace, Love, and Harmony” sentiments, and/or heartbroken laments about “Why is there so much strife in the world?”.

Sunshine and Roses may not even attempt to embark upon a relationship, preferring to call herself a “Lesbian” (or possibly “queer” or “LGBTQQIAAP+“) without the pesky reality of dealing with another fallible and not-always-positive human being. She lives in a fantasy world, perhaps fantasizing incessantly about an idealized version of a particular singer, actor, book, movie, TV show, author, etc. She may read or even write happy-ending fan fiction to erase the unpleasant reality of how an actual storyline turned out.

Sunshine and Roses is likely to unfollow or block anyone on social media who she perceives to be “negative” or “crass” or “unpleasant” in any way. She surrounds herself with beautiful objects and frantically attempts to create harmony in a world sadly lacking it.

Sunshine and Roses is not a bad person. In fact, she is typically a good person who has been dealt a very bad hand in life.

BUT she is not a Lesbian.

8b). The Urban Version of the White Picket Fence (WPF) STRAIGHTBIAN:

Like her suburban counterpart, the Urban WPF Straightbian just wants to fit in, but with a very different crowd.

The Urban WPF doesn’t want the actual white picket fence of her suburban counterpart’s dream…no, of course not, because that would be just too common for Urban.

No, the Urban Straightbian “eschews” the suburban lifestyle, wanting something more “edgy”, more “in”:

Renovated loft in an old cigar factory? Check!
Assorted popular Artists/Actors/Authors/Directors/Designers/Etc. as friends? Check!
Being the cool moms at the most exclusive private school available? Check!
Invitations to the most exclusive events in town? Check!
Season tickets to the local alternative theater? Check!
An amusingly pretentious Chilean chardonnay for the farm-to-table dinner party? Check!
Offspring named Jayden, Ayden, Cayden, or Brayden? Check!
Transgender child? Check!
Roth IRA and 401K? Check and Check!

The Urban Straightbian is popular with the liberal crowd, fitting right in with her liberal friends’ collective desire for diversity…

BUT she is not a Lesbian.

9). Mean-Spirited Unbalanced Faux-Feminist Yahoo (Muffy):

Muffy often overlaps with many/all of our previous 7 Assorted Straightbian Subtypes. In fact, Muffy has likely dabbled with playacting many of the subtypes at one point or another.

Muffy loves and uses social media with a vengeance. And “vengeance” is the key word here, because Muffy is one angry, hateful harpy. In fact, in her social media bios, she proudly claims to be a/an “angry, hairy Lesbian“, “man-hater”, “virago”, “shrew”, “Patriarchy-smasher”, “radical Lesbian“, “angry feminist“, “Lesbian separatist”, “woman-identified-woman” (or womyn or womon or wimmin or wimms…or any other ridiculous misspelling) and/or some similar descriptor.

On the surface, Muffy may seem to be the polar opposite of Sunshine and Roses, but these two subtypes share common denominators; the difference between them is exposed in how their underlying issues are expressed in opposite ways. Instead of internalizing/repressing her anger/angst (as Sunshine and Roses does), Muffy externalizes her rage, spewing her hatred outward in an incessant vomitous torrent, reminiscent of the pea-soup scene from The Exorcist.

Muffy doesn’t just wait for trouble to find her on social media; oh, no, not Muffy. She goes looking for trouble and when she doesn’t find it, she creates trouble.

Like a trigger-happy bounty hunter, Muffy is always on the hunt for people she finds offensive, and when she inevitably finds someone who dares to say something she disagrees with, she tries to blow that person away with her high-caliber nastiness.

In her quest to destroy her perceived enemy/enemies, Muffy completely “eschews” all logic, listening skills, and literacy, opting instead for sheer unadulterated, completely illogical, meanness.

No insult is too low nor off-limits for Muffy. Muffy hits below the belt and is proud of it.

Despite claiming to be a “feminist“, Muffy regularly insults other females’ looks, clothes, hair, makeup (or lack thereof), weight, age, marriage, choices, profession, ideas, words, work, etc., etc., etc. She calls Lesbians “men” without a single thought, nor care, in her venomous, vitriolic, vapid head about the potential effects of her words.

Muffy LOVES using inane memes/GIFs in the heat of battle, apparently not realizing that her memes/GIFs are as lame, illogical, nonsensical, and ineffectual as she herself is. She will then throw at least a few red herrings into the discussion, saying untrue things that make no sense whatsoever, and have nothing to do with the conversation at hand, but are intentionally designed to try to make the opponent(s) look bad and to distract from the fact that Muffy has no coherent argument. (Examples include falsely claiming that the perceived opponent(s) is/are: racist, sexist, misogynist, rape-apologist, perverted, pedophilic, etc.).

Finally, despite having deliberately sought out and started/continued the argument herself, and, despite having said absolutely false, defamatory, and despicable things to her opponent, Muffy then pretends to be the victim in the situation, falsely claiming that the other person is “bullying”, or even “stalking”, her. And Muffy is not above nor below using a fake suicide attempt to garner sympathy and support, thereby completely nullifying any further arguments.

She will then enlist other Muffys to attack, berate, harass, block, defame, exclude, and/or report her perceived opponent(s), while basking in the shallow, brittle “sisterhood” and feel-good-for-a-minute attention afforded from being The Perpetual Victim Of The Patriarchy.

Rinse and repeat, ad nauseum.

Muffy is one nasty, bitter piece of work.

BUT she is not a Lesbian.

In conclusion, while some Straightbians are clearly more dangerous to Lesbians in the individual sense, even Straightbians who partner with each other are dangerous to Lesbian as an idea. Straightbians are collectively responsible for taking the real flesh-and-blood Lesbian and turning us into nothing more than an idea which they, warped Het Women, flesh out through their own individual pathologies. Pathologies which the Psychiatric community has documented, diagnosed, and demonized for centuries. Pathologies ignorantly accepted by Het society as truth. Heterosexual Pathologies widely and readily, though incorrectly, attributed to actual Lesbians, haunting our relationships with family, friends, and even strangers, all with long held preconceived, wrong IDEAS forged by Straightbians!

But Lesbian isn’t an idea, we are flesh, blood, and bone.

Dirt and Mrs. Dirt

Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: AKA the Seven ASSes

Note: This is a joint post with Dirt, originally posted here.

We have written about Straightbians many times before, and we have even delineated some Lesbian Warning Signs You Might Be Dating A Straightbian and Portraits of a Straightbian, but we wanted to do a specific post about the seven primary specific Straightbian subtypes who, collectively, are the bane of Lesbian existence. There may be significant overlap between these subtypes, yet each of these Straightbian archetypes is easily recognizable as a discrete entity.


Without further ado, we present to you the seven main Assorted Straightbian Subtypes: (AKA the Seven ASSes):

1). The Woo-Woo Goddess: Everybody knows a Woo-Woo Goddess. She will read your tarot cards or your tea leaves. She is no stranger to runes, the I-Ching, unicorns, incense, herbal tea, soy candles, prisms, numerology, astrology, channeling, or rainbows. She speaks in awe of The Universe And Its Unknowable Mysteries. She wafts by in a voluminous dress, as if floating on a veritable cloud, smelling vaguely of Patchouli. She might be a massage therapist or Reiki master; or perhaps a Spoken Word Poet, frequently performing in indie coffee houses across our Great Mother Earth, typically accompanied by an acoustic guitarist playing folk music that always sounds suspiciously like Phoebe’s Smelly Cat. That is, when she is not attending the Drum Circle with her feminist group on the first Wednesday of the month, or her “Healing Crystals And You” support group at the local Raw Food Cafe on Tuesday evenings. She’s always been into Yoga but, lately, she has to admit Pilates is becoming a close contender. She recently heard about Rebirthing Breathwork Therapy from her psychic friend, Shamrock Clover, but sadly, she later discovered that it is just too expensive for her to do at the moment. But it’s certainly something to dream about in the future, though, because it would be sooooo very nice to reconnect viscerally, even if just for a fleeting moment, with her mother’s vagina, returning symbolically to the Great Cosmic Mother, if you will. She will just have to stick with Rolfing for now. Closely related to, and may overlap significantly with #2: The-Straightbian-in-the-Woods.

2). The-Straightbian-in-the-Woods: The-Straightbian-in-the-Woods is the stereotypical all-natural, organic, vegan Earth Mother. She picks her own mushrooms, sips wheatgrass smoothies, and presses her own cashew milk to pour over her hearty morning breakfasts of chunky granola, poured into her own handmade pottery bowl, fired right here in her very own kiln at The Farm, where she proudly hosts the annual “Womyn’s Week At The Farm” (AKA The Ye-Olde-Renaissance-Fair/Womyn’s-Music-Festival-At-The-Farm). She toyed with macrobiotics at one point, but found it to be a fleeting affair. She slips on her all-vegan Birkenstocks and sashays to the nearest pasture whenever the sudden need to howl at a full moon overtakes her, as it often does. She makes crafts out of pine cones, twigs, acorns, moss, feathers, rocks, and, when she is particularly reveling in her femaleness, her own period blood. Her favorite craft is the “Dream Catcher“, which she sells on her Etsy shop, despite the effect that shipping has on her carbon footprint. She tried making rainbow flags with dyes hand-crafted from fruits and vegetables, but sadly, the colors bled together and she was left with no alternative but to recycle them into tie-dye bandannas. She macrames and recently acquired a loom. She “eschews” shaving her armpits or legs, uses only rock salt deodorant, and, of course, uses an all-vegan menstrual cup, feeling that au-naturale is the only way to go. Clothes made of hemp are her staple, although she occasionally flirts with burlap. She may dabble in Wicca, sometimes casting a benign spell or two…for World Peace and Equality, of course, with some Prosperity thrown in for good measure. After all, Earth Mama needs her Ani DiFranco CDs, now doesn’t she? (They aren’t going to buy themselves, that’s for sure). She is a womon-identified-womon (or womyn or womin, depending on her mood and menstrual cycle), well, at least for now, and if she weren’t currently a Straightbian, she’d be giving birth (all-natural, naturellement) at this very moment, squatting in the shallow warmish natural creek in the bend by the old oak tree. Despite her current “identity” as a “Lesbian“, The-Straightbian-in-the-Woods intuitively senses that there’s still time to fulfill her true destiny: marrying a hippie-dippy pacifist liberal male in a sunshine-speckled field of daisies, then popping out plentiful progeny, who she will then proceed to “spoil” every year at their birthdays with her own special, homemade, hand-crafted, no-sugar, all-natural, all-organic, locally-produced, sustainably-sourced, non-GMO, fair-trade, vegan, raw-food, smelt/oat/raisin/hemp bars (in lieu of an actually tasty birthday cake). Closely related to, and may overlap significantly with #1: The Woo-Woo Goddess.

3). The Academic Straightbian Susie:  The Academic Straightbian Susie (AKA the biggest ASS of all) is the absolutely worst subtype of Straightbian. She knows absolutely nothing about Lesbians, yet, with shocking heterosexual privilege, nonetheless blithely publishes copious falsehoods about Lesbians without ever understanding the irony.  The Academic Straightbian Susie publishes alleged “Lesbian research” without ever having the basic common sense to realize that her subjects are NOT Lesbians, just as she herself is NOT Lesbian. Those pesky actual Lesbians need to shut up and let her speak for them, she thinks whenever she encounters actual facts which are contrary to her strongly held theories. After all, she is the one with the Ph.D. here! That should show them who knows more! For crying out loud, she’s almost-most-of-the-time-sometimes a Kinsey SIX! Forget about mentioning she’s been twice PUBLISHED in the prestigious Icelandic Journal of Queering the Gender Construction of InterSEXionality in PostModern Society, which is read by at least three whole people! What do blue-collar Lesbians know about their own lives anyway?  They are too busy actually being Lesbians to study such critical academic Lesbian topics as “political lesbianism” and “Queer Theory“. Certainly blue-collar dykes could NOT possibly know nearly as much about being a Lesbian as The Academic Straightbian Susie has learned by reading books/articles by other Academic Straightbian Susies and by conducting her very own academic “Lesbian focus groups“. She speaks haughtily, yet earnestly, of nonsensical concepts like “compulsory heterosexuality” and “gender theory” and “The Patriarchy“. She even uses terms like “intersectionality” and “eschew” with a straight face. She heartily subscribes to radical feminist theory and may even be a  well-known “pioneer” in the feminist movement. Some older Academic Straightbian Susies may bear a shocking resemblance to Maude (see #6, below). They “eschew femininity” (and men!) while incorrectly thinking that doing so makes them a Lesbian. The Academic Straightbian Susie, in summary, hetsplains Lesbian from her ivory tower with a bizarre, toxic mixture of arrogance and ignorance…never understanding, nor caring, how her multitudinous lies and delusions damage real Lesbian lives.

4).  The High Femme AKA The Queer Femme AKA Some Straightbian Idiot Wearing Kitten Heels: We have covered this territory before. (More than once). This Straightbian asshat is the one who most people mistakenly think of as a Femme. The High Femme won’t venture from her scarlet satin-filled abode without full makeup and perfect hair. She is meticulously groomed, shaved, moisturized, and perfumed at all times; always ready to tap her long, fire-engine-red fingernails in growing impatience when she doesn’t get her straight-privileged, demanding, whiny way. She may wear fishnet hose, miniskirts, and stilettos in the misguided notion that actual Lesbians will drool at the sight of her. She makes no secret about loving Victoria’s Secret. She is hypersexualized and attempts to use her hypersexuality as a weapon. She (mistakenly) believes that dykes think/act like males, and attempts to manipulate dykes with her hyperfeminine wiles. (Some naive dykes might even be flattered by her insincerities). She gives dykes back-handed “compliments” about how “manly” we are. In fact, she will even “support” a dyke into an early grave by encouraging her to transition. A subtype of the High/Queer Femme is the no-longer-body-oppressed Fat Femme (AKA The Fat Queer Femme).  Many FQF’s begin their Queer lives as Fag Hags, until they’re “eschewed” by their favorite Fag Brian after he gets a steady beau. Heart-broken but always hopeful, FQF’s survey their Queer landscape until they set their sights on a Dyke. Assured their Dyke prey will date them cuz Women ain’t like those subjective oppressive objectifying men! Dykes have to date Fat Grrls! Right? Regardless, Fat or Thin, make no mistake, this is a very sinister Straightbian. Underneath her perfectly coiffed exterior lies a twisted sister.

5).  The Very, Very, Incredibly Special Snowflake Straightbian: This Straightbian is so very, very, incredibly special…one might even say “precious”. Nobody in the history of humankind has matched her level of uniqueness. She strives to be different with every piercing, every tattoo, every mohawk (or, alternatively, dreadlocks), every rainbow hair dye, every body modification — often modifying herself into virtual unrecognizability from her real plain-Jane heterosexual self. This Straightbian didn’t feel loved as a child, and doesn’t love herself now, despite her frequent panicked protests to the contrary. Her social media bio reads like a liberal’s wet dream, sprinkled liberally with words like cis, queer, pansexual, aromantic, non-binary, “identify as…”, and they/them pronouns (or, perhaps she needs to be even MORE special with pronouns: maybe choosing ze/zir, or if she is feeling particularly frisky: tey/tem/ter). Despite her over-fondness for such descriptors, she “eschews” labeling herself. Labels are for losers, she thinks. People as special as she simply defy description! S/he/they/tey/ze live “outside the box”/”outside the binary”. So, she wouldn’t ever call herself a Lesbian nor even a Bisexual (because, Goddess Forbid, those monikers are just soooooo NOT “special” enough and may imply some sort of exclusivity), yet she qualifies as a Straightbian because she fucks with Lesbian lives in many and various ways; including, but not limited to, actual fucking. The Very, Very, Incredibly Special Snowflake Straightbian speaks of her “inclusivity” and “tolerance” and proclaims that mere frivolous things like biological sex/genitalia wouldn’t prevent her from exploring sexual relationships (Translation: If it moves, she will fuck it…Or, would at least claim she would be open to doing so). She may even get published in allegedly “Lesbian” publications, but most certainly NOT because she is a Lesbian…rather, because she is the opposite, the anti-“Lesbian“, the post-modern “Lesbian“, if you will. Some might say that she would be yesterday’s goth, but, gosh, goth is just so yesterday now, isn’t it? Gotta keep pushing those boundaries, don’tcha? Eventually, The Very, Very, Incredibly Special Snowflake Straightbian may even go where no Straightbian has gone before: In her ongoing quest for the final frontier of Specialdom, one day, she may become so very blindingly special that she will actually transcend human form in a final stunning blaze of glory; a Straightbian supernova of monumental proportions. Until that day, she will remain a wart on the ass of collective Lesbianism…but hey, at least she’s a very special wart.

6). The Midlife Menopause Maude (AKA The Triple M): The Midlife Menopause Maude is a late-comer to the Lesbian world. The Triple M has spent 2(+) decades married to a male, where she fulfilled her true heterosexual duty by popping out a couple of varmints. Now, menopause looms; her kids are in college; her husband, Richard (who “eschews” the nickname Dick) recently bought a red Corvette and is now casting his lecherous eyes upon his 20-year-old administrative assistant named Alex; and The Triple M feels her eggs shriveling up inside her more quickly than a Shrinky Dink in a toaster oven. She now casts a disparaging eye around her now-barren world and realizes there’s got to be more to life. Heck, she’s still semi-young. 50 is the new 30, right? Right? She used to be interesting!  She used to have her own apartment in the city! She was going to be a writer, wasn’t she? Or maybe an artist. Mixed-media, of course: using found objects, upcycled into collages, to be shown at a nice little wine-and-cheese gathering at the local art gallery on a brisk February evening. What happened? Where did all of the years go? When did she stop being a person and turn into a wifen-mommy? She knows the answer: It’s The Patriarchy who is at fault. The Patriarchy sucked the life right out of her, then spit her out, just when she was no longer juicy. Fuck The Patriarchy! Fuck ALL Men! Who needs men anyway? They can’t even find the damn ketchup in the refrigerator, for Christ’s sake, when it’s right there on the door, beside the mustard and the relish, where it’s always been. Men are disgusting anyway, aren’t they? Didn’t Richard scratch his hairy ass on her brand-new Ethan Allen sofa while watching Monday night football and eating nachos just last week? The Triple M isn’t going to stand for it anymore. She can do better than this. She should do better that this. But what? How will she ever escape from the hum-drum drudgery that her so-called life has become? Oh, snap! That’s it!  How did she not see it before? She can “become a Lesbian”!  Didn’t she just read an article in Cosmo about how “sexuality is fluid” and how many straight women are now “coming out” and finding true love with another female in their 40’s and 50’s?  Well, she did take a shower that one time with her college roommate. Granted, it was a large communal shower at a youth hostel in Italy during her junior-year summer abroad, but that counts, doesn’t it?  Maybe she was a Lesbian all along! Yes, that’s it! For sure! With straight-privilege fully intact, the Triple M barrels headlong into “becoming a Lesbian“. She reads and reads and reads, books and articles by Academic Straightbian Susies. She joins Twitter and proceeds to tell actual Lesbians how they should be Lesbians. She cuts her hair and throws out her high heels. She burns her bra. She “eschews” make-up because SHE WILL NO LONGER SUPPORT THE PATRIARCHY. Well, maybe a little mascara and lipstick sometimes, but that’s it. No more blush or creamy foundation for her! No, sir. There’s no need for that wrinkle cream that costs $285 for a mere ounce anymore either, now that she is thinking about it. She will EMBRACE her wrinkles. She is a Proud Crone now. Heck, she will even dare to wear purple! That will show The Patriarchy who’s boss now. She will make The Patriarchy her little bitch by “becoming a Lesbian“. “Hahahahahahaha”, she cackles in an increasingly hysterical tone, “hahahahahahaha”!

7). The Engineer: This Straightbian might not be an actual engineer, but she could have been. Should have been. Even if she doesn’t engineer as a career, she engineers as a way of life. She is logical, organized, and efficient. She runs a tight ship. She likes to be in control of the money in the relationship, because, after all, let’s face it, she would always do a better job at it than that actual Lesbian she lives with. In fact, the Lesbian she lives with is downright careless with money, consistently ordering the chicken walnut salad at Panera Bread when it’s so obvious she should have brought her own chicken and walnuts along in reusable ziploc bags to garnish a plain side salad, thereby saving an average of $4.23 plus tax per salad per trip! (Duh!). The Engineer Straightbian says she likes animals, but the truth is, she likes the thought of animals and the attention she gets for having pets, but not the actual daily upkeep of said animals. Too messy and inefficient for her taste, if the truth be known. This type of Straightbian often actually mistakenly at some point believes she is a Lesbian; because, after all, she has been different than her female peers ever since she can remember. She never was a “silly little girl”; she never ran around in circles and squealed like a banshee like her peers. She never went “boy crazy” in adolescence either, preferring chemistry or calculus. She naturally “eschewed” makeup, because: why spend money on such frivolous items? Seriously, just think about it: if she took that $143.18 that her girlfriends spend, on average, on a single trip to Ulta, she could invest it in a sensible municipal bond and pretty soon, she would be on her way to early retirement. So, when she heard the Lesbian narrative of “always feeling different”, she thought, “Huh. Maybe that’s me”. Sure, she still notices a handsome male, and she may even make off-handed comments to her puzzled Lesbian partner about it: “That weather guy on Channel 4 is such a handsome fellow, isn’t he? I bet he would make a really good husband“. Her mother always tells her that she isn’t really a Lesbian, that she just thinks she is because of what her “Uncle” Edmund did to her in the closet during her 4th birthday party, but she doesn’t listen. Her mother clearly doesn’t know what the Hell she is talking about. She LOVES her Lesbian partner, after all…doesn’t she? Well, they never have sex anymore, and they barely ever had sex, even when they first met, but that doesn’t matter, does it? Of course, she occasionally uses her sleeping Lesbian partner’s hand to masturbate with, but she’s not sure that would count as “sex”, since her partner is always unconscious at the time. Anyhow, having mutual sex just isn’t a priority; there are so many other factors in a relationship, after all. They have plenty else in common. They play video games together, for instance. That’s fun, isn’t it? And her Lesbian partner does drive her all over town on Saturdays to pick up craft materials, so there’s that. They have a good life, she tells herself, a busy life. And: So what if all of her girlfriends are having babies while her biological clock is tick-tick-ticking away, an ominous ever-present metronome in the background of her seemingly perfect Lesbian life? Let her friends change those poopie diapers. The money she is secretly socking away from the Lesbian’s paychecks, combined with all the money she is NOT spending on such nonsense as diapers and Legos, will definitely put her on the path to early retirement. Then she’ll have much more time to spend watching that handsome weather guy. Heck, by that time, he will probably be the anchor on the evening news. She just knows he would make a good husband…

dirt and Mrs. Dirt