Tag Archive | Lesbian Truth

Announcement

I hereby declare that I am going to attempt to stop my part in promoting anger, hostility, and hatred on Twitter…not because I am wimping out, nor because I have changed my mind on anything, nor because I want to make up/get along with anyone…but instead, the reason is quite simple: it’s because I believe the old adage “Two wrongs don’t make a right”.

Yes, I/we have been unfairly attacked, but I know that counterattacking certainly does not make things better…in fact, it only makes everything worse.

I have always known, but had apparently temporarily forgotten, the rule that I cannot change other people, but I can always change my response to them.

For some time now, I have been allowing my own anger, hurt, and frustration to bubble over to the point that I (shockingly!) found myself acting like someone I am not…someone who said outright mean/rude things…someone who kept fights going long after I should have just walked away.

I cannot promise that I will never lose my temper again, of course, nor can I promise that I will always refrain from smarting off when hurt or angry.

This announcement also certainly does not mean that I will stop speaking out when I see homophobia/lesbophobia or any injustice, and it also does not mean that I in any way agree with, nor do I want to have anything to do with, anybody who has attacked me, Dirt, any of our Lesbian friends/allies, or Lesbians in general.

I don’t plan to go back and remove any of my angry posts/tweets at this point though, because it would be a LOT to try to find ~ plus, I think that it would be a bit disingenuous to do so.

But rather, from this moment forward, I plan to continue speaking my truth and to defend myself, Dirt, and fellow Lesbians, but to try to do so without being mean to others…even when they say horrid things.

I will continue to speak up, to speak out, and to stand in solidarity with other Lesbians & with gay men, but I plan to try to do so in a way that doesn’t tear others down and create unnecessary angst/division.

In other words, I will strive to be myself from this moment forward…my real self, that is…the self that has been buried for a while now under multiple layers of anger, hurt, and frustration.

It’s worth a try, don’t you think?

Wish me luck… 

shutterstock_279269528 (1)

The Price of Truth

Since Dirt and I started speaking out about Straightbians and the multiple ways in which they harm Lesbian lives, we have both received numerous emails and private messages thanking us for speaking out. 

Sadly, though, the majority of our private supporters do not have the courage to say so in public. 

As just one example, here is what one person said to me privately, versus what she later said publicly: 

Private


Public:

Well, I know that it is difficult for some Lesbians to come out of the closet, but that issue has nothing whatsoever to do with Straightbians.  (You either are, or are not, a Lesbian, and if you are, you aren’t a Straightbian…zero overlap). 

I wish I could say such a gap between private versus public behavior was limited to this one person, but, alas, it is not. 

It seems that the price for speaking the truth is too costly for most people. 

For me, truth trumps popularity.  I won’t lie in order to be popular and tell people what they WANT to hear. 

The truth is: Any woman cannot just magically “become a Lesbian”, and all the wishful thinking and denial in the world won’t change that simple fact. 

PS: You may be wondering why I am bringing this up. Well, the answer is simple: It is because I am frustrated  and burned out with fighting with straight women on Twitter over what it means to be a Lesbian, while knowing that other (real) Lesbians agree, but nonetheless won’t publicly support the (very) few of us who are willing to speak out.  

Lesbians Are Not Mimicking Heterosexuals, Nor Do We Want To. (Duh!)

When hetsplaining Lesbian, one frequent mistake that heterosexual people make is assuming that Lesbian relationships are mimicry of straight relationships, along with the incorrect assumption that Lesbians seek to emulate straight people.

One particularly odious and completely ridiculous trope is that Butch Lesbians have “eschewed femininity” and that they are “trying to be men“, and that Femme Lesbians are playing the “straight woman” in our relationships.

No. Just NO.

It’s way past time for all of the straight people who think/say such things to remove their head from their own egocentric asses.

It is even more bizarre and distressing when such utter nonsense emerges from alleged “feminist allies“.

 Let’s take a look at just a couple of the multiple lesbophobic comments from these faux “feminist allies” about Dirt, and I hope that these examples will expose what these faux “feminist allies” REALLY think about Lesbians and our relationships ~ underneath their FAKE, chipper “But I totally support Lesbians!” rhetoric: 

IMG_1193

Please recall that Harpy is the very same individual who came up with this gem to explain our Lesbian relationship: 

Harpy

Let’s examine exactly what these self-proclaimed “feminist allies” TRULY think/feel about Lesbians underneath their bullshit “support“:

  • They are condescending, rude, hateful, and/or vicious toward us.
  • They clearly don’t understand Lesbians nor our relationships.
  • They don’t TRY to understand Lesbians nor our relationships.
  • They see Lesbians as simplistic heterosexual mimickers/wannabes.
  • They see Lesbian relationships as imitations of straight relationships.
  • They see Butch Lesbians as intentionally/willfully “non-conforming to gender norms”.
  • They think Butch Lesbians are imitating men and that they want to be men.
  • They think Femme Lesbians are imitating straight women/relationships.
  • They think Femme Lesbians are stupid, shallow, vacuous, vain, and dependent. (Which is quite an interesting perception, since they think we are imitating THEM. Think about it.).
  • They think that heterosexual relationships are higher status than Lesbian relationships. (For instance, in other tweets, they talked about our relationship with “marriage” and “wife” in quotation marks!).
  • They think that Dirt’s parents would/should be upset with the fact she is Butch, which shows their own underlying shocking lesbophobia.
  • They think that we are Lesbians because we are damaged in some way (“Would be intriguing to hear about her parents”).
  • They think Lesbians are simply play-acting; that our entire lives are a flimsy choice to mysteriously try to emulate heterosexuality….which doesn’t even make any sense, but apparently logic is optional for these cretins.
  • They see Lesbians only through their own narrow heterocentric lens…which is to say: they don’t really see US at all, nor do they care to.

I could go on and on, but I think that is the general summation of the falsehoods that these false allies TRULY believe about us when you scratch underneath the shiny surface of their “help“.

Once again for the slow learners: Lesbians are NOT “mimicking straight relationships” nor are we “trying to be men” (nor any other obnoxious variation of these lies). WE ARE LESBIANS. Lesbian lives/relationships are IN NO WAY related to these outlandish claims. 

These same individuals will tweet all day about how men are allegedly trying to coerce Lesbians into sleeping with them etc. etc. etc. ~ and some complete fools therefore mistakenly think that means they support Lesbians:

Rya

My message to these hetsplaining hypocritical harpies (and their ilk) and their fawning fan-boy is:

Fuck off.  

Attention Lesbians: These people are not allies to Lesbians, and they are not our friends. Furthermore, Lesbians don’t want, nor need, their “help“. These people are not only NOT helping Lesbians, but they are a HUGE part of the problem themselves by continuing to believe and to spew hateful lies and ignorant misconceptions about Lesbians.

With every hateful and/or ignorant tweet, these people are showing their true lesbophobic colors.

So: Keep it up, harpies & sycophants, because I WANT Lesbians to see the truth, and these folks are proving what Dirt and I are saying with every venomous word.  

Do Dirt and I Hate Straight Women? Part 2

Please see Do Dirt and I Hate Straight Women? Part 1 first, because this post is a continuation.

The controversy surrounding the accusations that Dirt and I hate straight women has continued unabated on Twitter despite our repeated explanations.

Some particularly unbalanced straight “feminists” apparently think that their own misconceptions of the situation gives them license to say cruel things about Dirt, myself, our relationship, other specific Lesbians, and Lesbians in general.

They are wrong.

While everybody is free to agree or disagree with an opinion (or to like or dislike a person), there is absolutely no legitimate excuse whatsoever for the hateful, vile lesbophobic statements that have been made.

So this post will attempt, yet again, what Dirt ACTUALLY said versus what these asshats are claiming she said. I have no hope that those boneheads will listen or understand; it is abundantly clear that they have no interest in even trying to.

Instead, I want it on the record that what is being said is not even close to being accurate.

So, here’s what happened:

Weary of seeing straight “feminists” yammer on and on and ON every day, all day on Twitter about how men are horrible, men are violent, men are holding women down, men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men men (ad nauseum), Dirt finally got fed up and said that if straight women were so very very very concerned about MEN, that they, being the sole childbearers, could potentially band together to reduce the male population to a more manageable number over time.

Literally, women hold the power of life itself. Think about it.

Dirt did NOT say that men/boys should be murdered.

Dirt did NOT say that boy babies should be aborted.

Dirt did NOT say that no male babies should be born.

Dirt did NOT say that the male population should be extinguished.

Dirt did NOT say that straight women should not date/marry/love/fuck men.

Dirt did NOT say that straight women should be celibate.

Dirt did NOT say that all male violence etc. was the fault of straight women.

Dirt did NOT blame all of the world’s problems on straight women.

Dirt did NOT say that straight women deserved any violence or trouble.

Dirt did NOT say that boys/men were bad or that they should be harmed in any way whatsoever (remember: Dirt was responding to THEIR OWN complaints about men…NOT hers).

Dirt did NOT say that they should throw boy babies in a wood chipper.

In short, Dirt did NOT even say that she personally thought that reducing the male population SHOULD even be done.

Instead, Dirt was making a hypothetical point that it theoretically COULD be done by systematic planning, birth control, etc.

My point is if you are going to kvetch about what Dirt said, at least find out WHAT SHE ACTUALLY SAID instead of taking the word of certain hetsplaining hysterical harpies and their simpering sycophant sidekicks.

Just sayin’.

“Sexuality is Fluid”: The Great Big Hoax

NOTE: This is a follow-up to Dirt’s post, With Lesbians Like Sue Perkins, Who Needs Enemies?!

Lately, it seems that you can’t swing a cat (Public Service Announcement: PLEASE DON’T SWING CATS, PEOPLE!) without hitting an article or interview where somebody or other is saying that “Sexuality is fluid.”

You’ll notice, however, that it is always FEMALE sexuality to which these articles/interviews are referring; it’s quite unlikely that Men’s Health magazine will ever come out with an article about the best techniques for sucking dick.

Hmmmm…why is that? There are likely many reasons, but I believe that the main one is that females/Lesbians are routinely hypersexualized, and the idea of watching so-called “Lesbian” sex often appeals to straight men. However, the very same men would quite likely be freaked out by the thought of having sex with a man. Therefore, the myth that female sexuality is “fluid” is appealing and persists, while male sexuality remains “static” in the public’s mind.

It is especially disappointing to me when a famous Lesbian makes such a erroneous and damaging claim. Dirt wrote about such a situation here, in which one of my favorite comedians, Sue Perkins, who starred in the hilariously quirky Lesbian-trying-to-come-out-of-the-closet sitcom Heading Out, said in an interview that “sexuality is fluid”.

In Sue P‘s case, I think a combination of internalized homophobia and a desire to fit in with the currently in-vogue “queer” crowd, along with parroting the nonsensical storylines of Straightbians, are major driving factors in such a spurious claim. However, I don’t know her, so I can only guess as to her motivation(s).

Well, let’s all just think about the whole “sexuality is fluid” claim for a moment, shall we?

First of all, the correct term is ORIENTATION, NOT SEXUALITY. Being a Lesbian is NOT all about sex, and to reduce our entire lives, our very being, to “having sex” is both incorrect and insulting. We are always Lesbian, regardless of whether we even ever have sex.

Secondly, if orientation were really “fluid”, there would be no reason to “come out of the closet”, would there, Sue P.? Everyone would just “flow” back and forth, willy-nilly, including the very parents that you had to “come out” to, Sue! Why would anyone have to “come out” if there were no true orientation to begin with, since everyone would be “fluid”? Why are there heterosexuals and homosexuals in the world?

Think, Sue, THINK!

The (incredibly obvious!) answer here lies in the difference between Behavior Versus Orientation.

As an example of behavior versus orientation:

Anybody could have sex with anybody (Behavior), but a female having sex (or even a long-term relationship) with another female does NOT magically make her a Lesbian.

You either are a Lesbian (Orientation), or you are not.

Later-in-life Lesbians (those who initially date/marry men, before coming out later) were never straight to begin with; so their orientation is NOT “fluid”; they just did not act upon their true orientation for a variety of possible reasons (family, society, religion, internalized homophobia, peer pressure, etc.).

Here’s the thing:

Behavior is changeable. Orientation is NOT changeable.

BehaviorVsOrientation

So, whenever you see the claim that “sexuality is fluid”, I beg you to remember this formula:

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation

Behavior ≠ Orientation!!!!!!!!!!!

As for Sue Perkins, I still believe that she is hilarious and talented and I truly wish her all the best, but she really needs to stop towing the “queer” party line and start telling the truth…not just for the sake of her Lesbian fans, but, ultimately, for her own sake.

Do Femmes Wear Lipstick?

Since I published “Femmes: Facts Versus Fiction” just yesterday, I have received several comments/emails along the lines of:

“But I wear lipstick”

“But my Butch pumps my gas for me”

“But I like kitten heels!”

“Maybe you’re not a Femme yourself”

etc.

Just to clarify, I didn’t say/mean that Femmes NEVER wear lipstick/makeup or get dressed up ~ the answer is: we may or may not, depending on the setting/situation and personal preference. I wear lipstick myself sometimes, particularly to work.

Regarding duties, etc., what I actually said/meant was:

Fact

The point is: Femmes are NOT “performing gender”. We aren’t play-acting or mimicking straight women. We aren’t primping and preening incessantly. We are more practical than that. While we may choose to “dress up” if the occasion calls for it and if we feel like it, we don’t feel the need to constantly prance around the world like a runway model. We wouldn’t put vanity over safety.

Here’s an example: Years ago, I took a Lesbo cruise to Alaska, and went on a group hike one day. It was over (fairly) rough terrain…in other words, it wasn’t a simple stroll on a neat concrete path. Everyone, including me, wore hiking boots, as allegedly required by the hiking guide…except for one purported “femme” Straightbian who wore…get ready for it…KITTEN HEELS (and a miniskirt)! Yes, it’s unbelievable, but…there she was. If I’d been the guide, I would have refused to take her, but it was not my call. So, this beautiful but helpless creature tottered dangerously throughout the hike, needing constant assistance. Even her girlfriend looked annoyed. I never saw Ms. Kitten Heels again, but I would bet anything that she MARRIED A MAN and is likely driving a soccer-mom van.

Also: Of course, there’s nothing wrong with dividing duties with your partner in whatever way it works best for both of you. So, there may be some instances where one partner primarily pumps the gas or one partner primarily does the grocery shopping (or whatever).

But what I was trying to say is that many people incorrectly think that Butch/Femme couples divide up the duties based on the perceived “Butchness” or “Femmeness” of the duty itself, and that perception is simply not true. For example, Dirt does most of the cooking, and I do most of the bill-paying. I drive an old truck and Dirt drives a car. I would be willing to bet that most people would not guess those things.

The main point that I was trying to make is that Femmes are NOT helpless, hapless, frilly, little goofballs who are dependent on a Butch or anyone else to help/save/rescue us. Femmes are Lesbians, and we function as Lesbians. We know how to take care of ourselves, and we have been fending off wannabe male suitors successfully ever since…well, forever.

Our relationships with our Butch partners are straightforward and equal. There is no straight-wannabe playacting nor any false dichotomy of “the strong one” and “the weak one”. We are both strong. We are both Lesbians.

Femme: Facts Versus Fiction

I have written before about being a Femme Lesbian, here and here.  But there is so much misinformation about us, the topic deserves much more attention.

This handy-dandy little guide is intended to be a start to separating the facts about being a Femme from the numerous fictional assumptions about us.

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Fiction: “Femme is an ‘identity’ that can be adopted by anyone who chooses it (Straightbians, males, any mid-range dyke who wears lipstick occasionally….whoever); Femmes are attracted to and partner with anyone (other Femmes, random dykes, men….whoever).”

Fact: Femmes are Lesbians who are oriented to and partner with Butch Lesbians. Femme is not an “identity” that can be simply chosen by anyone; you either are a Femme, or you are not. (Ditto re: Lesbian).

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Fiction: “Femme is a ‘performance of gender’; a cartoonish mockery of every femme fatale in every second rate movie since the beginning of time.”

femmefatale

Femme Fatale: Pixabay/darksouls1: CC0 Public Domain

Fact: Femmes are simply being ourselves…we were born this way. We are not “performing” gender (nor anything else, for that matter). We are not actresses in the play of life, and it’s offensive when people assume who we are is an act.

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Fiction: “Femmes and Butches are mimicking heterosexuality.”

Fact: We are not mimicking anything. We are being ourselves…who we are born as. Again, who we are is not an “act” or a “performance”. We aren’t heterosexual, we aren’t mimicking heterosexuality, and we don’t want to mimic heterosexuality.  There is nothing straight about us; Butches and Femmes are 100 percent Lesbian. Thank goodness.

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Fiction: “Femmes are fluffy-headed sexy helpless dependent little minxes who wouldn’t be seen in public without full makeup & dress/heels/etc.; Femmes depend on their Butch to take care of them.”

Fact: Real femmes are strong, outspoken, independent, and equal in our relationships our Butch partners. We are capable of “cleaning up nicely” if an occasion calls for it; but we dress practically on an everyday basis, and we dress appropriately for an activity.  We don’t wear stilettos to Walmart. We don’t wear kitten heels to hike the Alaskan wilderness. Unless there is some sort of physical limitation that would preclude us from doing so, Femmes can, and do, pump our own gas, carry our own groceries, open our own jars, pay our own bills, and competently handle the dude at the 7-Eleven who asks for a date.

Heads-Up: If you ever see an alleged “Femme” mincing around in high heels, donning makeup constantly, giggling helplessly, afraid to break a nail, while her Dyke partner does everything for her in a “manly”, swaggering sort of way, rest assured that you are witnessing a Dyke/Straightbian partnership…NOT a Butch/Femme one.

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Fiction: “Femmes are really straight women who have ‘chosen to be a Lesbian’.”

Fact: There is no such thing as “choosing to be a Lesbian”. You either are one, or you are not. Same thing with being Femme. Femmes are Lesbians who are born Femme Lesbians. Period. There’s nothing straight about us. Don’t confuse Femmes with Straightbians.

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This post is not meant to be a comprehensive list of all of the fictional assumptions about Femmes, but rather, it’s just a basic starting point to address a few of the main incorrect beliefs.

Please also refer to Hekate’s blog, Genuine Femme, which addresses similar topics.

If you can think of more blatant falsehoods, or if you ever have any questions about Femmes, Butches, Butch/Femme relationships, or Lesbians in general, as always, please feel free to comment on any post or email me at sayebennett@gmail.com. More on this topic later…