Tag Archive | Lesbophobia

The Covert Lesbophobe Checklist (CLC)

We all know what an overt lesbophobe is: He/she will just say what they feel very directly: “I hate Lesbians!”; “You’re evil”; “You’re going to HELL!”; “You’re an abomination to the Good Lord Jesus!”; “You need a man!”; “Marriage is for a man and a woman!”; “You need to be TAUGHT A LESSON!”; “No, I won’t rent to/hire you!”; “Your kind isn’t welcome here!” etc. They are obvious. They are obnoxious. They are our visible enemies.

But what about the covert lesbophobes? They are our friends, our acquaintances, our coworkers, our family members, our neighbors. They are subtle. They smile to our faces. They shake our hands. They bake us cookies. They say that they love us, like us, support us, and would fight for us ~ and they probably even truly believe that they mean it.

They say that they would NEVER, EVER tolerate lesbophobia/homophobia.

And we believe them, and will continue to believe them…until one day we find the proverbial knife between the shoulder blades and realize who put it there.

“If only there were a way to know“, you may be thinking.

Well, there is a way to know, but only if we are completely willing to keep our eyes and ears wide open, and only if we are willing to put aside our own wishful thinking long enough to accept the cold hard truth.

So, without further ado, here is a handy-dandy little lesbo checklist to see whether your Aunt Susie, or your neighbor Gladys, or, I don’t know, let’s say, um, the president of an international creative organization is a covert lesbophobe:

Does he/she do any of the following (or anything similar)?:

  • Refer to being a Lesbian as “a lifestyle”;
  • Refer to being a Lesbian as “a sexual preference”;
  • Refer to being a Lesbian as a “choice”;
  • Refer to being a Lesbian as a “behavior”;
  • Refer to your partner as “your friend” or “your roommate“;
  • Say anything like “sexuality is fluid”;
  • Say anything like “sexuality is on a spectrum”;
  • Say anything like “anybody can become/be a Lesbian”;
  • Say anything like “I am all for you people having rights, but why do you have to call it marriage?”;
  • Say anything like “I am fine with you being a Lesbian, but why do you have to TELL everybody?”;
  • Say anything like “Why do you have to put Lesbian on your social media profile?”;
  • Say anything like “I don’t care who you have sex with, I just don’t want to know about it!”;
  • Say anything like  “Who’s the man one?”;
  • Say anything like “Maybe you just haven’t met the right man yet!”;
  • Say anything like “But how do you know you wouldn’t like it if you haven’t tried having sex with a man?”
  • Say anything like “You and your friend can’t share a bedroom in my house!”;
  • Blame you in any way for the lesbophobia you encounter;
  • Punish, shame, or penalize you in any way for the lesbophobia you encounter;
  • Defend, befriend, or take the side of lesbophobes in any way;
  • Support you in private ~ but not in public;
  • Refuse to let you (or in any way support/defend the premise that you shouldn’t be allowed to): get married, adopt an animal, get hired for a job, buy a wedding cake, rent an apartment, patronize a business, buy a house, have benefits, inherit from your partner, file taxes together, travel together, visit your partner in the hospital, etc. etc. etc. etc. (This list would consist of anything and everything that straight people can do without question);
  • Encourage you in any way  to be nice, be quiet, remain silent, be invisible, and/or get along with lesbophobes (or in order to avoid being attacked by lesbophobes);
  • Treat you and your partner differently that they would routinely be treated with their spouse (Examples: when traveling together, walking into your hotel room without knocking; or putting you and your partner in twin beds when you visit their house, while straight couples are given the double, queen, or king beds);
  • Ask that you not tell someone/anyone/everyone you are a Lesbian. (“Granny doesn’t need to know, it will kill her!”);
  • Support and/or vote for a candidate/politician that is known to be against Gay/Lesbian rights;
  • Does not even recognize blatant lesbophobia in others (does not even understand what was wrong with what was said!).
  • (Added because of suggestions from 2 readers — thanks): Minimizes, belittles, and/or denies the existence of lesbophobia itself (and minimizes, belittles, and/or denies the consequences of lesbophobia on Lesbian lives). 

It’s important to note that before jumping to conclusions, it’s always best to verify our perceptions. I believe that some people can be covertly lesbophobic and aren’t even aware of it themselves. So, I always try to explain why _______ was lesbophobic, and then watch to see how the person responds. Does he/she listen and attempt to change the issue? Or does he/she barrel right along and then do something similar immediately afterword?

Well, I think these are the basics; please let me know if I have missed anything in the comments below…

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Image: Pixabay: evondue:  CC0 Creative Commons

I Used To Be So Nice (Or: Why I Cannot Walk Away From A Battle With Lesbophobes)

As anybody who has read even a couple of my recent posts will likely already know, I have been angry lately at all of the faux allies and hetsplainers ~ very angry, in fact, but I must admit that underlying that anger is disappointment, frustration, puzzlement, and sadness.

I won’t rehash all of the drama….if anyone is interested, feel free go back through my tweets and replies to get a just a small taste of the brouhahas. I have also done several recent posts which mentioned the drama.

Anyway, someone on Twitter who also knows me in real life (and has known me for over 20 years), recently said something to the effect of being shocked that so many people were being so rude to me.

I actually laughed out loud when I saw that, because I immediately knew exactly what she meant:

In real life, I am, in fact, what most people would consider “nice”.  Meaning: I am typically polite, kind, considerate, giving, etc.; in other words, I get along well with others. (I am always direct and assertive in real life…but I am not aggressive/rude unless it becomes absolutely necessary).

But on Twitter (and to a lesser extent, on this blog), I am quite outspoken…sometimes even outright rude (which occurs, lately with shocking regularity, when I finally reach my maximum frustration tolerance level).

The problem is not just that Twitter is online interaction (meaning: versus in-person), either. I participate regularly on Facebook and LinkedIn and on other various websites/forums/etc., and I get along just fine with people on those, just like I do in real life.

No, I really think it’s specific to Twitter. Somehow, Twitter seems to bring out the worst in me. Actually, perhaps Twitter brings out the worst in everybody, based on my recent observations of various assorted brouhahas that I have NOT been involved in.

I think it’s the combination of the limited characters available to make important points, the fast paced environment, and the discontinuity in threads when multiple people are responding at the same time (which makes it difficult to follow the order of the conversation) that makes Twitter the perfect storm for misunderstandings, anger, hostility, drama, and trouble.

Combine that perfect storm of Twitter with my temperament (I am unwilling to back down — when dealing with a topic which matters to me greatly) and BOOM, it’s Armageddon.

Recently, I have been wondering whether I should just let an ongoing fight with a specific group of mean-girl lesbophobic feminists go…whether I should just walk away and let them stew in their own putrid, poisonous juices.

After all, I do actually believe in karma. People who are mean-spirited and vicious are obviously not happy people.

Also, I truly believe on-going anger and conflict is unhealthy…mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And these individuals are certainly not worth my health or my time.

So, I have been wondering:

Why am I having such a hard time letting this particular fight go? 

It’s not just my ego from being personally and viciously insulted by the ringleader, although I am sure that is indeed a part of it.

And it’s not just their shocking lesbophobia and appalling ignorance about Lesbians, although I am sure that is a HUGE part of it also. After all, utter obtuseness appears in many guises, including some very unexpected sources.

After much consideration, I think that (in addition to the above-noted factors) I am reluctant to stand down for 2 reasons:

First, I am truly horrified at the support that these individuals are getting from other straight feminists, so a big part of me wants EVERYBODY to see who these people really are. So, by calling them out and posting screencaps of their copious bigoted nonsense, I have been hoping that the proverbial aha! lightbulb would suddenly and magically appear above somebody’s head…anybody’s head! (I am afraid, though, that this wish is just a pipe dream).

Secondly, and much more importantly, I, Dirt, and the other Lesbians on Twitter who have been standing up to these individuals are all assertive, secure adults with a strong sense of self and a healthy acceptance of ourselves as Lesbians. So we can take their nastiness with a grain of salt. But: what if we were different? What if we were young dykes, just coming out, currently being rejected by family, friends, and society? What if we were vulnerable, scared, alone, confused, maybe even suicidal? What if we were struggling with self-hatred, dysphoria, and/or internalized homophobia? Would the horrid lesbophobic venom directed at us as Lesbians potentially be the last straw for someone like that? I honestly don’t know, and I sincerely hope not, but I cannot in good conscience allow these people to say such horrible, lesbophobic things without calling them out on it.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and if these individuals would say such repulsive, vile, hurtful, homophobic things to us, it is a fact that they have the capacity to do it to others.

My crusade may not do any good. I may, at some point, decide to lay down my metaphorical sword and walk away from this riDICKulous battle…

But not today.

Sword

Image: Pixabay: azboomer: Creative Commons CC0

Lesbians Are Not Mimicking Heterosexuals, Nor Do We Want To. (Duh!)

When hetsplaining Lesbian, one frequent mistake that heterosexual people make is assuming that Lesbian relationships are mimicry of straight relationships, along with the incorrect assumption that Lesbians seek to emulate straight people.

One particularly odious and completely ridiculous trope is that Butch Lesbians have “eschewed femininity” and that they are “trying to be men“, and that Femme Lesbians are playing the “straight woman” in our relationships.

No. Just NO.

It’s way past time for all of the straight people who think/say such things to remove their head from their own egocentric asses.

It is even more bizarre and distressing when such utter nonsense emerges from alleged “feminist allies“.

 Let’s take a look at just a couple of the multiple lesbophobic comments from these faux “feminist allies” about Dirt, and I hope that these examples will expose what these faux “feminist allies” REALLY think about Lesbians and our relationships ~ underneath their FAKE, chipper “But I totally support Lesbians!” rhetoric: 

IMG_1193

Please recall that Harpy is the very same individual who came up with this gem to explain our Lesbian relationship: 

Harpy

Let’s examine exactly what these self-proclaimed “feminist allies” TRULY think/feel about Lesbians underneath their bullshit “support“:

  • They are condescending, rude, hateful, and/or vicious toward us.
  • They clearly don’t understand Lesbians nor our relationships.
  • They don’t TRY to understand Lesbians nor our relationships.
  • They see Lesbians as simplistic heterosexual mimickers/wannabes.
  • They see Lesbian relationships as imitations of straight relationships.
  • They see Butch Lesbians as intentionally/willfully “non-conforming to gender norms”.
  • They think Butch Lesbians are imitating men and that they want to be men.
  • They think Femme Lesbians are imitating straight women/relationships.
  • They think Femme Lesbians are stupid, shallow, vacuous, vain, and dependent. (Which is quite an interesting perception, since they think we are imitating THEM. Think about it.).
  • They think that heterosexual relationships are higher status than Lesbian relationships. (For instance, in other tweets, they talked about our relationship with “marriage” and “wife” in quotation marks!).
  • They think that Dirt’s parents would/should be upset with the fact she is Butch, which shows their own underlying shocking lesbophobia.
  • They think that we are Lesbians because we are damaged in some way (“Would be intriguing to hear about her parents”).
  • They think Lesbians are simply play-acting; that our entire lives are a flimsy choice to mysteriously try to emulate heterosexuality….which doesn’t even make any sense, but apparently logic is optional for these cretins.
  • They see Lesbians only through their own narrow heterocentric lens…which is to say: they don’t really see US at all, nor do they care to.

I could go on and on, but I think that is the general summation of the falsehoods that these false allies TRULY believe about us when you scratch underneath the shiny surface of their “help“.

Once again for the slow learners: Lesbians are NOT “mimicking straight relationships” nor are we “trying to be men” (nor any other obnoxious variation of these lies). WE ARE LESBIANS. Lesbian lives/relationships are IN NO WAY related to these outlandish claims. 

These same individuals will tweet all day about how men are allegedly trying to coerce Lesbians into sleeping with them etc. etc. etc. ~ and some complete fools therefore mistakenly think that means they support Lesbians:

Rya

My message to these hetsplaining hypocritical harpies (and their ilk) and their fawning fan-boy is:

Fuck off.  

Attention Lesbians: These people are not allies to Lesbians, and they are not our friends. Furthermore, Lesbians don’t want, nor need, their “help“. These people are not only NOT helping Lesbians, but they are a HUGE part of the problem themselves by continuing to believe and to spew hateful lies and ignorant misconceptions about Lesbians.

With every hateful and/or ignorant tweet, these people are showing their true lesbophobic colors.

So: Keep it up, harpies & sycophants, because I WANT Lesbians to see the truth, and these folks are proving what Dirt and I are saying with every venomous word.  

Everyday Lesbophobia and How It Harms Lesbians Every Day

As anyone who reads my blog and/or follows me on Twitter already knows that I have been angry lately. Very angry. Heck, let’s just be honest here, I am still angry now.

I am angry at all of the Lesbophobia I see everywhere online and in real life, both overt and covert. I am angry at false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers.

I am angry that nobody but a handful of fellow Lesbians seems to even notice, or care, that Lesbians are being thrown under the proverbial bus left and right.

As of this morning, I became aware of another feeling existing along with the anger:

Sadness.

Sadness is a much less comfortable feeling for me than anger. With anger, I feel “in control”, powerful. With sadness, I feel helpless.

As much as I don’t want to feel sadness, darn it…there it is.

It turns out, underlying my anger and defiance, there is something else lurking much deeper which I am not even fully consciously aware of yet myself. Something that I cannot fully articulate yet; something that I am just now beginning to see the fuzzy outline of through a thick fog of anger.

For some time now, I have been gradually coming to an uneasy realization of the increasingly obvious fact that Lesbians are ultimately on our own. I have been very resistant to this knowledge, because I don’t want to believe it.

I have about a zillion screencaps which would starkly illustrate my points about false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers and the lesbophobia they perpetuate.

But I won’t post those screencaps in this post, because this post is not about proving my point…interestingly and ironically, their own comments prove the very points Dirt and I are making.

Anybody who wants to see specific examples of truly appalling anti-Lesbian sentiments can peruse my Twitter timeline/replies (and the subtweets about myself, Dirt, and other Lesbians) to see the hatred, nastiness, pettiness, and sheer meanness directed at me, Dirt, other specific Lesbians, and/or Lesbians in general.

Instead, this post is about the direct and indirect toll of such lesbophobia on Lesbian lives.

Here is just a small sample of the many possible ways that anti-Lesbian actions/comments take on Lesbians, every second of every minute of every hour of every day FOR OUR WHOLE LIVES:

  • Feeling alone;
  • Feeling misunderstood;
  • Feeling attacked;
  • Feeling sickened, physically and/or emotionally;
  • Feeling chronically angry;
  • Feeling the need to constantly defend ourselves, our partners, and other Lesbians;
  • Feeling hesitant to speak up because it means facing a whole crowd of opponents;
  • Feeling invalidated;
  • Feeling invisible;
  • Feeling anxious;
  • Feeling outnumbered;
  • Feeling different;
  • Feeling hypervigilant;
  • Feeling exhausted from all of the ongoing effort;
  • Feeling a new wave of disappointment every single time someone else lets us down;
  • Feeling offended/invalidated when outsiders tell us to “be nice” or when they try to make us mediate/get along with Lesbian-hating bigots (think about it: would they ask Black people to be nice to the KKK, or Jewish people to be nice to Hitler???!!!);
  • And last on this partial list, but certainly not least: Feeling sad.

I have decided that it’s okay to feel sad today. It’s okay for myself and other Lesbians to feel any/all of the things listed above…and more…because ALL of those feelings are COMPLETELY NORMAL REACTIONS to living in a world in which the BEST case scenario is that we will never be fully understood/accepted and in which the WORST case scenario is that we are murdered, raped, beaten, fired, denied housing/employment/etc., and/or otherwise harmed for simply being who we are.

And my message to all of the false allies, faux “feminists“, Straightbians, and hetsplainers (and to all of the simpering sidekicks) who are harming Lesbians with your copious bullshit: Karma is a bitch and she sees what you are doing.

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Image: Used under license with Shutterstock.

The Sadly Predictable Stages of Hetsplaining

Note: Please also see Dirt’s post on the same topic: Lesbians: SEEING the Forest because we are Not Trees

Dirt and I have been attacked on Twitter by hetsplaining straight “feminists so many times now, I have discerned a predictable pattern of behavior which delineates the stages of hetsplaining:

Butt in to a conversation uninvited;

Attack viciously; twist everything being said beyond all recognition; falsely claim we are misogynists, racists, etc.; even sometimes stooping low enough to insult us personally by attacking our appearance, our relationship, etc.;

Rage all out of proportion to the situation; using all emotion with no logic whatsoever;

Block us so we can’t see what they are saying;

Incite others to attack;

Enlist others to continue the drama;

Subtweet about us, knowing we cannot see what is being said to defend ourselves (which is quite cowardly).

(Rinse and repeat ad nauseum with each new wave of straight “feminists” who pick up the gauntlet).

You can remember this sadly predictable pattern of hetsplaining by using the acronym BARBIES. The most recent brouhaha involved a Barbie harpy (see below).

And for just ONE example of how these hetsplaining harpies treat Lesbians who don’t kowtow to their straight-privileged BS, here’s just one of many insulting tweets Dirt and I have been subjected to for simply stating our opinion:

Harpy

And people wonder why I say that Lesbians are on our own…but, seriously, with “feminist allies” like this, who needs enemies?

“Straight” To The Point

Over the last several days, Dirt and I have been arguing with straight female “allies” on Twitter over the premise that Lesbians are different.

To make a long story short, not 1, not 2, not 3, but a whole coterie of straight females have tag-teamed us, alternating between telling us to “be nice to our allies“; completely dismissing us; twisting whatever we say; bringing up unrelated topics/issues to try to derail/confuse the discussion; making analogies that make absolutely no sense whatsoever; acting like we are saying something we are not, then being offended by their own incorrect assumptions; trying to make us seem mean/bad/rude/etc.; name-calling; subtweeting; and usually, finally blocking us. Just when one wave disappears into the horizon, a new wave appears. Rinse and repeat.

Here’s the thing: It takes an astonishing amount of straight privilege to argue with Lesbians about OUR OWN LIVES.

These straight women do not know what it is like to be a Lesbian; but much more importantly, their actions of arguing with us ad nauseum proves that they don’t CARE.

I don’t know what it is like to be a man, or a Black person, but you don’t see me telling men or Black people how they “should” feel or denying or arguing with what they say about THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES.

Yet, that is precisely what these straight women are doing. Instead of listening to what we are actually saying about our own Lesbian experience/lives, they are actively attempting to silence us, shame us, twist our words, deny our experiences, and discredit us.

Why? There are likely a number of reasons, depending on the person, including, but not limited to: ignorance, arrogance, straight privilege, fear, reacting with emotion instead of logic, faulty preconceived notions, wanting to keep the incorrect notion alive that “any woman can be a Lesbian”, comprehension difficulties, not wanting to listen, misdirected anger, etc.

Whatever the reason(s), their behavior is completely unacceptable. 

Whether or not people agree with us, Lesbians deserve the same respect and courtesy straight people expect (and routinely get).

People, especially those who purport to be “Lesbian allies, should actually BE allies by listening rather than talking; caring rather than dismissing; remaining open rather than blocking.

And if you fruitcakes cannot do that, you are NOT an ally.

AND you can kindly fuck off.

(Please also read Dirt’s post on the same topic, here).

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Image: Pixabay: varintorn: CC0 Public Domain

There Is No Such Thing As A “Former Lesbian”

If we had a nickel for every time we’ve heard a variation the phrase “used to be a Lesbian” or “former Lesbian”, Dirt and I could quit our day jobs.

Just think about it, there are tons of examples in everyday life, in TV shows, in movies, in books (etc.) where an allegedLesbian” ends up with a man.  (“Alleged” is the key word here, obviously).

Let’s review just a few examples of (so-called) “former Lesbians“:

1). Susan Ross, George Costanza’s ill-fated fiance on Seinfeld: When George learned that his ex-girlfriend, Susan, was dating a woman named Mona, he made a joke that he had “turned her Lesbian”. Then (of course, predictably) Susan and George reunited. To make matters even worse, Mona fell for Kramer, even though the character had allegedly never expressed interest in men before. (Offensive).

2). Orange is the New Black’s Piper Chapman:  In the Season 1 official trailer, at approximately .36-.37 seconds, Piper’s mom asks “You were a lesbian?” and Piper (sitting with her MALE fiance) replies “At the time”. (Ugh).

3). The turd from my last post. (Yuck).

4). Susie Bright. (Barf).

5). JoAnn Loulan. (Loathsome).

6). Every Straightbian who has allegedly eschewed “Lesbianism” to embrace Christianity, such as Turd #3, above, as well as others of her ignorant ilk, like Rosario Butterfield.  (Repugnant).

A couple quick Google searches for “used to be a lesbian” and “former lesbian” showed that there are many, many, MANY hits:

UsedToBeALesbian

Former LesbianThe problem is: There is no such thing. You are being lied to. These people are insulting your intelligence.

And: not only is this pervasive lie offensive to, and erasing of, real Lesbians…but it is also downright dangerous because it gives the VERY false idea that being a Lesbian is just a choice which (POOF!!) magically can be changed on a mere whim, the whiff of a penis, and/or the discovery of a deity.

Once again, behavior does not equal orientation.  Any woman can enter into a same-sex relationship (or just have sex with another woman), BUT any woman cannot magically become a Lesbian. It doesn’t matter whether a relationship between a straight woman and another woman lasts 50 minutes or 50 years, a straight woman will never be a Lesbian, and a Lesbian can never be a straight woman.

The truth actually stunningly simple: Whenever you hear that somebody “used to be a Lesbian” or is a “former Lesbian”, you know you are dealing with total bullshit. You’ll know that the very special snowflake somebody in question is a Straightbian.  Bottom Line: This person never was a Lesbian to begin with.

The end.