Tag Archive | Lesbophobia

The Official Straightbian Guide To Becoming A “Lesbian Expert” On Social Media

Attention: Straightbians! Have you ever thought how nice it would be to show the world your “Lesbian expertise”? Would you like to get your slice of the “Lesbian pie” and the attention and adoration of other Straightbians, “feminists”, “gender-critical” individuals, and all other straight people on social media? Hey, if you are lucky, and if you meet what heterosexual society deems as attractive, you too may get the opportunity to write for a popular “Lesbian magazine” or to be a contributor to a popular “Lesbian website”! Wouldn’t that be exciting? If this is everything you have ever dreamed of, never fear, you’ve come to the right place! This handy-dandy guide will take you from an obscure typical straight female to an internationally celebrated “Lesbian expert” quicker than you can spell Straightbian!

You may be wondering how to get started. Yes, it can indeed be a daunting prospect to create a fake persona based on a precarious balance of delusional self-deception and egocentric self-promotion, but hey! If many others do it every single day, you can too! Don’t let little problems like the truth or basic human decency deter you from your life goals! With just a little polishing of your “identity”, you will be ready to bask in your social media presence as a “Lesbian expert” in no time at all!

First, if you aren’t already posing as “a Lesbian”, you will have to “come out as a Lesbian”, but that is no problem at all! But before we jump the tiny hurdle of “coming out”, you will need to decide on the type of “Lesbian” you want to be:

Type A: The Sexy Straightbian: To be this type of Straightbian, all you need to do is to be fluent in the straight-male-fantasy-of-“Lesbian”. Pouty lips? Check! Smoky eyes? Check! Stilettos? Check! Pretty girlfriend? Check! A willingness to take sexy pics of yourself in various revealing poses, such as the ever-popular “doggie skyscraper“, while calling it “Lesbian”? Check check CHECK!

Type B: The Sexless Straightbian: Hate men? Check! #YesAllMen? Check! “Eschew” makeup? Check! Love the work of Sheila Jeffreys? Check! Ready to Smash The Patriarchy? Check check CHECK!

Now that you have selected your type, be sure to build upon it!

If you have selected Type A, feel free to embellish with all the accoutrements of your sexy persona. Take that pole dancing class! Buy a velvet sofa! Visit Victoria’s Secret and splurge on some hot lingerie! Wax those pubes! You’re worth it!

If you have selected Type B, go even deeper into character. Shave one side of your head! Buy some Doc Martens! Rip those Levi’s! Read some Andrea Dworkin! “Eschew” shaving! Call yourself “Butch”! Why not? The “Lesbian” world is your oyster, so get ready to suck it dry!

The deeper you go into your “Lesbian” character, the more you can profit, so go for it! Give it Hell, ladies! Meryl Streep herself couldn’t sell it like you can! Believe in yourself!

Okay, now that your Straightbian persona is sorted, now you can move on to “coming out”! How? Simple! Just say “I’m a Lesbian”! Other Straightbians, “feminists”, “gender-critical” individuals, and all other straight people will automatically believe you! Boom! Done!

Now, proceed to bombard social media with your “Lesbian life”. Aggressively follow and support other Straightbians ad nauseum. Building a “Lesbian community” is essential to your success as a Straightbian! Make sure to include numerous pics of yourself with another female, because that will be “proof-positive” of your “identity” as a “Lesbian”!

Take some time to review your social media friends’ tweets/posts/pics/hashtags/videos/etc. and proceed to copy them enthusiastically! Don’t worry that you don’t know what you are talking about! Nobody will notice, since they are all saying the same thing! Groupthink is your best friend! Rinse and repeat until “Lesbian” fame and fortune are yours!

No guide would be complete without a few words of caution. Beware of real Lesbians who may try to rain on your Straightbian parade. Current estimates of the number of these Lesbian “bullies” range from “a couple” to “a mob”. Regardless, should you encounter one of these annoying naysayers, simply repeatedly claim that you ARE a “Lesbian” BECAUSE YOU SAY SO. If necessary, make numerous sock-puppet accounts to support yourself in your own arguments! Call upon your Straightbian “sisters” to jump in and support you too! There is strength in numbers, and rest assured that Straightbians will always way outnumber real Lesbians! Don’t worry that you have no idea what it really means to be a Lesbian! Remain firm in your conviction that it is your right…indeed, it is your privilege…to claim “lesbianism” for yourself! When an argument with a real Lesbian gets heated, always be sure to mention “rape culture”, “racism”, “sexism”, “The Patriarchy”, and/or “misogyny”! That always works to derail a conversation! Don’t worry that what you are saying is completely irrelevant to the discussion! Most importantly, always make sure to call your Lesbian opponents “male” and to insult their appearance! All that is important in these senseless battles is for you to emerge with your “Lesbian” “identity” fully intact amongst your target group.

In summary, with just a few simple steps, you too will be well on your way to firmly establishing your Straightbian social media empire as a “Lesbian expert”. Go you! Feel good about yourself as you bask in the fragile glory of internet presence. Your past days of ennui and angst are but a distant memory. You are the very Straightbian image of “Lesbian” personified now…let’s hear you roar!

Lesbians Need A New Symbol

Note:  Please also read: Dirt’s companion piece, “Double Female Symbol-Not Lesbian-Then or Now” for additional information/explanation.

Dirt and I have been talking and writing for a while now about how Lesbian has been consistently misrepresented, used, and abused…twisted in a whirlwind of hetsplanations, pornifications, and outright lies.

Even the universally recognized symbol for Lesbian (intertwined female symbols) is NOT LESBIAN.

womanwoman

“Lesbian” Symbol (NOT!)

Why? Well, there are many reasons; Dirt’s companion piece, “Double Female Symbol-Not Lesbian-Then or Now” for more reasons/explanation.

The piece of the puzzle that I am focusing on today is: this symbol does NOT accurately represent Lesbian because 2 females kissing, holding hands, or even making love does not mean either/both of them are actually Lesbian(s).

Any 2 females can do any of those things, of course, but it is NOT “Lesbian” unless the individuals involved are BOTH Lesbians.

Here’s the thing: If something doesn’t involve actual LESBIANS, it is NOT LESBIAN.

In TV shows and movies, if there is even the slightest whiff of flirtation between 2 female characters (even if either of the characters was having sex with a man 5 minutes earlier and/or goes on to have sex with a man 5 minutes later)…BOOM…people will immediately start talking about a “Lesbian scene” or “Lesbian subplot” or “Lesbian subtext” or “Lesbian kiss” etc. etc. etc., ad nauseum.

The following is but a very small sample of the NON-lesbian characters/scenarios in TV and movies that have been incorrectly called “Lesbian“:  (Note that I am not talking about whether or not the actors themselves are straight; I am talking about the characters/scenarios):

1). Roseanne Barr’s famous “Lesbian” kiss with Mariel Hemingway in the episode “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. While addressing homophobia, an admirable goal, was the reason given by Barr for including this scene, unfortunately, calling kissing a married straight woman a “Lesbian” (or “gay” as some  people, including Barr, incorrectly insist on saying) scene undermines real Lesbians by implying that we are defined solely by physical contact or action. Lesbian is lesbian, and straight is straight, regardless of physical/sexual activity.

2). The entire hideously offensive “Lesbian” movie “The Kids are All Right”, in which Julianne Moore’s allegedly “Lesbian” character had copious heterosexual sex throughout the whole debacle, only to claim at the end of the movie that such straight behavior didn’t mean she wasn’t a “Lesbian“.  Um…yeah, it does, in fact, mean just that.

3). Almost every “Lesbian” storyline in Orange is the New Black, starting, but sadly not ending, with Straightbian Piper’s on-again, off-again affair with Alex. This decidedly NON-Lesbian storyline is foreshadowed in the Season 1 official trailer, in which at approximately .36-.37 seconds, Piper’s mom asks “You were a lesbian?” and Piper (sitting with her MALE fiance) replies “At the time”. No, no, no, no, no! You either are, or you’re not, a Lesbian, Piper. To make matters even worse, the OITNB Lesbian characters who are supposed to be REAL Lesbians are portrayed as sexual predators (Big Boo) or killed off (Poussey).  Boo, Hiss.

4). Thelma and Louise has been applauded as an excellent example of “Lesbian” subtext. Bullshit. Both Thelma and Louise were straight women who needlessly got themselves into a difficult situation, making progressively worse and worse decisions…including Geena Davis’s character first willingly making out with a guy in the parking lot (who turned out to be a wannabe rapist) which resulted in the very reason they became outlaws, then later having wild sex with a male thief. The whole sad nonsense culminated in them driving themselves off a freaking cliff.  Thelma and Louise are not heroic feminist icons, and they are definitely NOT Lesbians.

5). Xena: Okay, this last example actually pains me to discuss, because I was a Xena fan. I realize now that I was so starved for Lesbian representation that I was willing to scarf up the “subtext” scraps the writers and actors threw us. I was willing to overlook the “maintext” plots involving male romantic entanglements. I was willing to deny my own discomfort when the show could not be trusted to even acknowledge us, much less actually care about us, despite the fan base being heavily Lesbian. Now it’s time to admit that the  so-called Xena “Lesbian subtext” was only a pitiful broken bone thrown to the hungry Lesbian audience, all the while maintaining the true heterosexuality of the 2 main characters to keep their ratings, and their straight privilege, intact.

The examples of such NON-Lesbian scenarios go on and on and on and ON.

It is time to stop this foolishness. We need to stop calling any female/female innuendo “Lesbian”. I know I said it before, but I will say it again and again and again:

If something doesn’t involve actual LESBIANS, it is NOT LESBIAN.

lezzie-symbol

 

Lesbians Do Not Want A Damn Toaster Oven

Note: Please also read Dirt’s companion piece, Women’s Liberation-Recruiting Lesbians-When The Political Went Personal.

We’ve all heard the old classic joke:

“If a Lesbian “recruits” a straight woman to “play for our team”, we win a toaster oven for our efforts.”

toasteroven

This long-standing joke is so rooted in our collective consciousness that it was even included Ellen’s coming out episode.

Lesbians laugh along with this joke, and we even joke amongst ourselves about it. It is, after all, a funny joke, because, as with most humor, it is rooted in a long-term stereotype.

In this case, the prevailing stereotype of Lesbians is that we are always prowling the streets of Hetland to recruit straight women to jump the proverbial fence to come on over to Lesboville!

This trope plays itself out in an endless loop on TV, movies, books, and popular culture.

However, there’s a major problem with this popular stereotype: It’s not true!

The stereotype of “Lesbian recruiting” is rooted in radical feminist doctrine encouraging and even exalting the welcoming, but incorrect, notion that “any woman can be a Lesbian!

Many straight feminists of that time, sick of men and the roles often perpetuated in straight relationships and in heterosexual-dominated culture, enthusiastically jumped onto the radfem bandwagon, called themselves “lesbians” and proceeded to recruit others to their cause.

In other words, the “man-hating lesbian recruiters” whose bandwagon laid the tracks in the road that led directly to the “recruit-a-het-and-win-a-toaster-oven” trope were NOT LESBIANS.

It apparently never occurred to these so-called “radical” feminists that co-opting Lesbian lives/space was not truly radical; because the truly RADICAL option would have been to stand their ground as heterosexuals, in order to work to revolutionize their relationships with men and to ultimately change the sexist standards of society.

Instead of doing the hard work necessary to actually change heterosexual power dynamics and society’s expectations, these radfem Straightbians instead cowardly avoided the underlying issues by running away to Lesboville, appropriating actual Lesbian lives with astonishing Straight-privileged arrogance ever since.

So, next time you hear the old toaster-oven joke, chuckle if you want, but always remember that it is not, and never was, Lesbians who were doing the recruiting ~ it was Straightbians all along.

So Straightbians can take those toaster ovens and shove them up their…well, you know.

Most (So-Called) “Lesbian Experts” Are Neither Lesbian Nor Expert

Most (so-called) “Lesbian Experts” are neither Lesbian nor expert.

This extreme disconnect between the lived experience of real Lesbians and the musings of numerous blowhards has created a multitude of problems for Lesbians, including, among other things: confusion, misrepresentation, feelings of isolation, misunderstandings and disagreements amongst ourselves and with the general community, and perhaps most importantly, the further marginalization of an already marginalized group.

As just one example, I can still remember, over 2 decades later, my disgust, bewilderment, and growing anger upon reading The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader.  Who were these people and what the $^%#*@ were they talking about? These people certainly weren’t speaking for me or for anybody I knew. Their false interpretations were so foreign to me that it may as well have been written in Greek.

There are many, many, many, many examples of incorrect information in just this one book ~ way too many to address in this post ~ but to illustrate, please allow me to share just one of the many faulty examples.

This quote is from a piece in Persistent Desire entitled “Sex, lies, and penetration: A butch finally ‘fesses up” by some lost soul named Jan Brown who claims that Butches “become male, but under our own terms, our own rules.” Brown then goes on to say: “The truth, for many stone butches, is that we failed as women early on“.

Other quotes from Brown’s essay (which is supposed to be about Butch lesbians) include: “We jerk off to the rapist, to the Hell’s Angel, to the Nazi, to the cop….And, yes, we also dream of the taking. We dream of someone’s blood on our hands, at laughing at cries for mercy“, and “Sometimes, we need to have a dick as hard as the truth between our legs, to have the freedom to ignore ‘no’ or to have our own ‘no’ ignored.”

Brown also writes in this same essay about working as a prostitute (“I would swallow for $40“, she says in the first paragraph), and asserts that many like her (meaning alleged “Butches”) have “lived with abusive boyfriends“.

Sighing loudly.  So much bullshit, so little time. This person is clearly NOT a Butch, and just as clearly she is NOT any sort of Lesbian at all. Nevertheless, the editor of Persistent Desire obviously thought it appropriate to include her inaccurate assertions in a book supposedly about the Lesbian experience.

Sheila Jeffreys, another purported Lesbian expert who is also neither lesbian nor expert, even discussed Brown’s essay in her book, The Lesbian Heresy, unquestioningly using Brown’s words as a weapon in her misguided and erroneous arsenal against Butch/Femme, without even exhibiting the basic critical thinking skills to comprehend that Brown wrote that essay with the frail bravado of a straight female who has suffered at the hands of men, and most decidedly NOT as a Butch Lesbian or any sort of Lesbian.

I guess when you’re faking Lesbian yourself, you automatically accept everyone else’s fake Lesbian stories too. 

This illustrates just one of many examples of how one “Lesbian expert” (who is neither) uses another “Lesbian expert” (who is neither)’s words to spread even more misinformation to, for, and about actual Lesbians.

And thus the bullshit kept rolling, gaining form and speed with every increasingly disgusting revolution, until the whole massive ball of excrement has now splattered its hideous contents into every nook and cranny of the Lesbian community.  

I wish I could say the rest of the Persistent Desire book  (as well as the content of many other alleged “Lesbian” books) gets better, but, sadly…NO.

At the time I first read Persistent Desire, I was young and much more willing to shake my consternation off than I am now. So I did what anybody with any common sense whatsoever would do: I tossed it in the trash can, along with the other garbage that day.

Sadly, Persistent Desire is only one example of the plethora of nonsense that has been published over the years, by purported  Lesbian experts who have profited, and still continue to profit, from hard-earned Lesbian dollars.

Dirt and I are sick of it. We are weary of all the misinformation, the appropriation of Lesbian lives, and the push for inclusiveness that is threatening to dissolve what little cohesiveness the Lesbian community has left.  We are infuriated at being told to “be nice” by (supposed) feminist allies and (alleged) Lesbians. We are disgusted with the idea that Lesbians should gratefully accept whatever bullshit is served up to us on pretty silver platters.

It is past time to stand up and say something. We are working on a series of posts which will critique and expose some of the biggest charlatans who are selling lesbians a defective bill of goods, making money, and gaining kudos, while real Lesbian lives are being misunderstood, maligned, harmed, and sometimes even destroyed.

~ Mrs. Dirt & Dirt