Tag Archive | Political Lesbianism

Choice Or Not?

Let’s all play a little game.

Which ONE of the following is NOT A CHOICE?

  • Clothing
  • Hairstyle
  • Shoes
  • Tattoos
  • Piercings
  • Political affiliation
  • What to eat for dinner
  • Shaving
  • Watching TV
  • Becoming a vegan
  • Painting your toenails
  • Using deodorant
  • Drinking tequila
  • Giving up sugar
  • Smoking
  • Attending church
  • Having sex (Note: meaning: consensual sex between willing adults, of course!)
  • Straight females “eschewing” relationships with males
  • Being a Lesbian

For anyone who chose “Being a Lesbian” as the ONLY item which is NOT A CHOICE: Ding ding ding! You won the game! Hooray! Woo-hoo! Good for you!

For everyone else, please go find another blog that will tell you the lies you want to hear.

Breaking It Down (More About Why Being A Lesbian Is NOT A Choice AND Why It Matters)

The recent posts regarding the topic of Straightbians which were made by Dirt and I have been offensive to many people. I wish that the topic weren’t so divisive because it is not intended to be.

I wanted to clarify our position further by trying to break it down to the most basic examples; in order to try (once again) to convey to the disbelievers the seriousness of situation that Lesbians are faced with when unknowingly dating Straightbians.

To summarize a ton of previously posted information, basically, a Straightbian is a heterosexual woman who chooses to try to partner with another woman due to a variety of possible reasons, including, but not limited to: political reasons, being sick of dating men, curiosity, thinking “the grass is greener on the other side”, trauma, mistaking friendship for love, etc.

A lot of people have mistakenly taken our posts to mean that we are being callous, exclusionary, disapproving, hostile, discriminatory, and/or just plain mean.

A lot of people, including some Lesbians, apparently want to believe that any woman can simply choose at any time to “become a Lesbian“.

But: the simple truth is that all females cannot “choose to be Lesbians”, just as Lesbians cannot choose to be straight.

To imply that orientation is a choice implies Lesbians could choose to be straight if we just wanted to, and this faulty thinking is what leads to harmful, barbaric, and ineffective ideas like conversion therapy.

As I have said before, magical thinking simply does not work. If a female is straight, she is never going to fall in love with a Lesbian like another Lesbian would.  It is not possible ~ no matter how much you wish it were so.

The Straightbian may even stay in the relationship for a long time, so her behavior may change during the relationship, but her orientation will never change.

Those people who are so very offended are missing the very basic core message we are trying to send, which is: JUST BE HONEST.

We are not telling straight females that they shouldn’t make the choice to partner with another female; BUT we are saying that if a straight female wants to date a lesbian, she needs to be honest and to admit that she is straight up-front ~ rather than falsely claiming to be any sort of “Lesbian” (including a “political lesbian”, which is a flat-out misnomer).

Similarly, someone who is straight should not falsely claim to be a Lesbian, nor should she speak for and about Lesbians.

Let’s break it down:  It’s all about truth and communication.  

No matter what your orientation is, I hope everyone can agree that all people have the right to know their potential partner’s true orientation and intentions before consenting to a sexual/romantic relationship.

Because when we don’t know the truth, we cannot give true consent.

Here are just a few examples of possible situations that most people would want/need to know about a potential partner before consenting to a relationship/sex:

1). If you are a heterosexual woman, you would probably like to know that the handsome, funny, charming man you are flirting with is really gay.

2).  If you are a straight man, you would probably want to know that the woman you are considering proposing to is a closeted Lesbian before buying an engagement ring.

3).  If you are a straight woman who just got proposed to by a man, you would probably want to know that he already has 3 wives and believes bigamy is the way of the future.

4).  No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person you are considering having a relationship does not believe in monogamy and therefore, does not plan to be exclusive.

5).  No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person you are falling in love with is not interested in ever having sex with you.

6).  No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person you are considering having sex with has a sexually transmittable disease or other contagious illness.

7).  No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person who you are making out with intends for you to be a one-night stand only, and therefore, is not interested in seeing you again…ever.

8). No matter who you are, you would probably want to know if the person you are getting seriously involved with has any secret that could end up hurting you eventually (possible examples include already being married; having a criminal history; having financial problems that would affect you; lying about who they really are; etc.).

9).  No matter who you are, you would probably want to know that the person you are taking home is the sex they say they are (nobody wants a “Crying Game” episode in real life).

10). Finally, last but certainly not least on today’s list is: If you are a Lesbian, you should definitely want to know that the woman you are falling for is really straight.

This is not rocket science, folks. It’s basic common sense.

All people (and the term “people” includes Lesbians, just in case that fact is not entirely clear to heterocentric individuals) have the right to know who they are becoming involved with sexually and romantically.

It is not offensive for Lesbians to demand to know who were are getting involved with.

What is offensive is the fact that the so-called “feminists” who are defending Straightbians care so little about Lesbians that they think Lesbian needs/lives should take a backseat to the desire of Straightbians to hijack “Lesbian” for their own purposes.

Magical Thinking (Why Being A Lesbian Is NOT A Choice)

Definition of Lesbian: A Lesbian is a female homosexual.

Seems simple, right?

Well, the definition of Lesbian is actually simple…but many, many people apparently want to believe otherwise. These people deny that orientation is innate and want to reduce Lesbian lives to a simple “choice” that any female could make. They are wrong.

This baffling argument usually arises when people get peeved at myself and/or my wife regarding the topic of Straightbians.

Straightbians are HETEROSEXUAL females who, for any of a variety of reasons, will choose to partner with another female (either with Lesbians or with other Straightbians), but instead of simply being upfront and honest about their innate heterosexuality, they co-opt “Lesbian” for themselves and proceed to speak for and about “Lesbianism” — with their straight privilege fully intact.

Potential reasons that straight females might make the decision to partner with a female include, but are not limited to: the twisted tenets of radical feminism, which falsely preaches that “any female can/should ‘become a Lesbian‘”; curiosity; trauma; simply being sick of dealing with males; not being able to have a successful heterosexual relationship and arrogantly/incorrectly assuming that Lesbians are “lucky” to get a chance with them; mistaking closeness/friendship for love; thinking “the grass is greener on the other side”; rebellion; companionship; etc. etc. etc.

Some Lesbians, and many others too, apparently want to believe that any female can ~ POOF! ~ magically “become a Lesbian”.

While the incorrect idea that any female can magically “flip to the Lesbian team” may seem to be a harmless fantasy on the surface, the reality is often far from benign.

Straightbians have a history of wreaking havoc on the hearts and lives of real Lesbians, in many ways, ranging from the damage/frustration of our orientation being treated as a “choice” to wasting our lives in a relationship with a liar.

In the latter scenario, a Lesbian will partner with a Straightbian (who, by definition, literally cannot be a Lesbian and cannot love a Lesbian as another Lesbian would), leading to an unfulfilling, one-sided  relationship. If the Lesbian gets “lucky”, such a unhealthy relationship will end quickly.

The truth is that straight females cannot change their orientation, just as Lesbians cannot change our orientation.

BECAUSE ORIENTATION IS INNATE. You are either born a Lesbian, or you are not one.

The much-accepted but ultimately faulty idea that sexual orientation is “fluid” is the very slippery slope that leads to idiotic ideas like conversion therapy, which, by the way, has been proven to NOT work.

If some Lesbians want to believe that straight females can change their orientation, how can they possibly reconcile this wish with the simple fact that, as Lesbians, we cannot change our orientation?

Please consider this: Don’t we all want our romantic/sexual partners to want/love us for exactly who we are?

If a female is not a Lesbian, she can never experience the true connection with another female (either straight or Lesbian) that a Lesbian feels for another Lesbian.

Don’t get me wrong: I am not trying to tell anyone what to do. Whatever floats your proverbial boat is fine by me (as long as it involves consenting adults). Everyone is completely responsible for her own life.  If Lesbians knowingly decide to partner with Straightbians, that is certainly their choice, and whenever both parties are honest with themselves and each other…more power to them!  (It wouldn’t be my choice, but it is not my life)

Also, I am not saying that it is wrong to be straight, nor am I saying that I believe most Straightbians are intentionally trying to harm Lesbians. In fact, I believe that most Straightbians are unaware of the inherent problems involved in this scenario, likely primarily due to straight privilege.

Instead, I am simply saying that is unhealthy for anyone to be dishonest with herself and/or with her partner regarding her true orientation.

I would hope that everyone would agree that informed consent in sexual relationships is imperative; but if a Straightbian is appropriating Lesbianism for her own purposes, without disclosing her true heterosexual orientation to her Lesbian partner, then informed consent is not happening.

Everyone deserves to know the TRUE motivations and TRUE orientation of anyone we are intimate with.

Bottom line: Just be honest. If you are a straight female, and are curious about having a relationship with another female, just say so.  Then your potential lover can make an informed decision on how to proceed.

Magical thinking may be fun for fantasy, but if you hope to solidify a relationship based upon it, don’t be surprised to find the (so-called) “magic” dissipate into the very thin air from which it arose.

**Edited to Add: Please also see my partner’s companion piece about Straightbian Privilege: Heterocentricity and Dyke Vulnerability.